#15 - Stupid

Too Soon - Kina Grannis


I watched him walk away from me, unable to stop the tears from gently cascading down my cheeks. There were too many things running through my head to even try and sort out what I was feeling right now; I was a blubbering mess of hormones, guilt and heartbreak. And did he actually just say that to me? He chases me around for over a month and that’s what he’s worried about? Hockey? The thought made me want to throw a bitch fit; stamping my feet and pulling my hair like Hannah Montana on a drug trip.

I shouldn’t have been surprised though; after all I had spent my awkward years living with Sidney Crosby - the most obsessive of hockey players.
Groaning inwardly, at the thought of him, I walked back down the hall; shutting myself in my office. Over several weeks, this office had become my refuge, my safe-haven. The only place in the arena where I actually felt that I was out of harm’s way.
I hated feeling like that, after all, everything that happened that night was my fault - I shouldn’t be blaming Alex.
But blame wasn’t the only reason I had been trying to avoid him. I had basically been attempting to evade the scene I had just taken part in.

I shook my head, silently cursing myself for the millionth time. Where did I even start when it came to how badly I had screwed everything up?
Sidney, that was a good of place as any. The only plus side of this situation was the fact that I didn’t have to lie when I told him I wasn’t hanging out with the Capitals - something he seemed genuinely concerned about.
The problem was the guilt. Every time I heard his voice I couldn’t help but remember Alex’s hands all over me; and the way my body screamed out for more.

Stupid body. I could easily walk outside and find hundreds of women that would give up everything they owned for a chance with Sidney; and I was throwing it away.
After the awkward sex we’d had the last time he was down; I’d just assumed that there was something wrong with me. My hormones were broken, I was a-sexual, a lesbian, too drunk to function… but Alex had blown all of those theories out the window; leaving me with the inevitable conclusion that I just wasn’t attracted to Sidney.
I had been naked with Sidney, having sex with him, and I felt almost nothing. Then in thirty seconds, fully clothed in a public place, Alex had made me feel like I would explode if he didn’t touch me. When he did touch me, I was overwhelmed with need, desire, lust; everything I should have felt for Sidney, but didn‘t.

Then, the worst of the worse; waking up in his house. At least I knew nothing had happened; I was fully clothed and in a bed by myself.
That didn’t stop the embarrassment from occurring as I tried to run out without being noticed.
No, I take it back. The worse of the worse was how badly I wanted to see him again. I had gone to work the next day and felt my face flush every time he walked by me; not just with embarrassment, but with all the strange feelings I had experienced the night before.
I couldn’t like him, I couldn’t want him. It would kill my father, Sidney, the whole team - basically everyone that mattered to me. So I avoided him, as best I could. Spending as little time in the arena as possible; finding every excuse to avoid him.
In a dyslexic way, it seemed like the more I tried to avoid him, the more I wanted to talk to him. Without being in close contact with him, to hear his egotistical, arrogant, cocky remarks; he seemed more and more appealing. I had to keep reminding myself that he was an ass, a huge ass… a completely rock-hard, muscular, confident, delicious… UGH! Stop that!

Bad things were suppose to happen in threes, so I suppose it only made sense to feel like shit three different ways. Hormones, guilt, heartbreak.
Hormonally, I wanted Alex, no, make that needed Alex; to an unhealthy extent. I felt weighted down with guilt because Sidney had no idea anything was going on at all; not about him and not about Alex. Heartbroken because Alex Ovechkin had just proven to me, what I had assumed all along; I was nothing to him beyond a piece of ass.
No, not even that; I had thrown myself at him and he still wouldn’t touch it. I supposed that I should be thankful, how much worse I would have felt if I slept with him - then at least I would have been worthy enough for that.
I wasn’t a pretty girl, not by mainstream standards anyway; but still, I was in his house, ready, all-too-willing, and he said no.

Just a few more days and I can go home for Thanksgiving… I sighed, trying to ignore the fact that home wouldn’t be a whole lot better. No Alex, but plenty of Sidney.



I made a quick call to Beth; having had no contact with her in almost a week. I felt horrible about that situation as well, but with everything else that was going on; my relationship with Beth was taking a seat on the back burner.
She understood of course, school, job/internship, meeting new people; she didn’t think badly of me, but I was still sad that it felt like I was losing touch with her.
Part of me wanted to tell her everything, wanted someone to confide in, about Alex and what had happened between us; but I still felt like it was too awkward. I didn’t want to say the words out loud, even to her.

Moving around my empty apartment I felt lonely. I thought about calling Sidney, but decided against it; I didn’t need to add any more fuel to the fire. The sound of my phone caused me to jump. “Hello?”

“Hey Jes!” I smiled as Mike’s loud voice boomed into the phone.

“What’s up Mike?”

“I’m just getting to your place, get ready!”

I jogged over to the window, just in time to see the white Lamborghini pull up outside. “Get ready for what?” I laughed, waving to him as he grinned up at me from the street.

“To get all sexed up… Tah-dah!” He shouted, pulling a couple boxes out of the back seat before crossing the street. I giggled and hung up the phone, walking down to the door and holding it open.
Mike appeared a minute later, climbing up the stairs towards me. He handed the boxes over to me and followed me back inside the apartment.

“So what’s this all about now?” I asked, grinning as I read the names off the three boxes. The top one, the smallest, was plain and black; nothing written on it at all. The second one down was a shoe box, gold and black with Jimmy Choo written on it. The last one, the biggest one, was white and had a scrawling D & G on it. “We going somewhere?”

“Umm… you could say that. Go get ready!” He added the last part excitedly, shooing me up the stairs.

“Alright, don’t look though… no walls.” I explained as I headed up towards my now, uncomfortably open bedroom.
After checking to make sure Mike wasn’t peeking; the girl inside of me exploded, grabbing for the boxes and tearing off the covers.
Once I had the dress and shoes out on the bed, I was confused. Firstly, both of these were things that I would never wear. The dress was loud and tight, it was long and slightly ungodly. The shoes were, well, fantastic. I would never have picked them out myself, but I loved them the second my feet hit the floor in them.
None of it made any sense though. I glanced down at Mike, he was wearing a pair of jeans and a tight shirt; not something that matched with me at all. Remembering the last box, I shuffled through the mess of wrappings on my bed. I grabbed the little box and opened it up; of course… I sighed, holding up the small pendent.
With one small charm, everything made sense again. Who else would buy a hot pink dress for a girl but Alex?


“Ok seriously, are you going to tell me what’s going on?” I asked as I stepped carefully down the stairs.

“Wow… you look… wow.” Mike said, causing me to blush deeply as I moved off the staircase.

I gave him a small, self-conscious smile. “You still didn’t tell me what this was all about…” I said slowly, pointedly reaching up for the pendant, that was now snugly resting around my neck.

“Just give him a chance Jes.” He took a few steps towards me, reaching out to grasp my bare shoulders. “He really likes you… he might not admit it, but he does. If you could see the way he’s been acting since you started ignoring him…” He scrunched up his lips and grimaced away; as if trying to erase the memory.
I sighed, slumping my shoulders under the weight of his hands. “Come on… he’ll be on his best behaviour, I promise.”
Nodding slightly, I allowed Mike to lead me out the door and down towards his car. My entire mind was in overdrive as my heart hammered away at my chest. Right now, the only thing keeping me from trying to spend time with Alex, was the fact that he didn’t care at all - he was too busy being concerned about hockey to even remember that anything had occurred between us. Or so I thought.
If all of this stuff was actually from him, then that meant that he cared, at least somewhat; and I wasn’t sure whether or not I could ignore him anymore.



It was quiet, but not in the awkward sense. It was more of a serene feeling; one that you were usually only able to experience alone, or with a very select few of trusted people.
I glanced up at Alex, across the small table, as he took another sip of wine; eyeing me. I couldn’t help but smile slightly. Normally I would expect him to stare down my shirt or at some other private part of my body; but tonight, his eyes were focused higher up. “You like that, don’t you?” I asked, amused, reaching up to lightly trace the small ’8’ with my finger.
He flashed me a sheepish grin before setting down his glass and leaning across the table towards me.

I didn’t move away. We’d been here - at the swanky, up-scale, almost empty restaurant - for almost two hours; and I was feeling disturbingly comfortable with Alex’s presence. I sighed as the musky scent of his cologne filtered out around me, it was almost intoxicating from where he was sitting; the closer he got, the more I wanted to lean in to him… Damn you David Beckham! Damn you and your delicious smelling scent! I cursed silently, trying to focus on anything but Alex.

I was leaving in a few days and I needed to keep a clear head. I wanted to go home still ignoring Alex and spending as little time with the team as possible; that way I wouldn’t have to lie about it when Sidney asked me, again. Surprisingly enough, the more time I spent with him away from the rink, the harder it was to imagine going back to ignoring him.
I was having a good time - a great time - and I didn’t want to go home, not anymore. I needed him to be a dick. I needed him to stay as far away from me as possible and start acting like an asshole, or else I was done for. “Thank you for coming.” He said softly, causing me to cringe slightly against the exhilaration in his voice. “I’ve had a really great time.”

“Me too.” I added weakly, unable to meet his eyes as he stared intently at me.

He leaned back, grinning, but never taking his eyes from me. “We should probably head out… don’t want you falling asleep on the job.” He stood up, throwing a small stack of bills down on the table, before reaching for my hand.
I accepted it, not even bothering to resist it.

He interlaced his fingers through mine, holding my small hand tightly in his large, calloused one. He moved slowly, but determinately, into the cold night; walking for less than a minute before he lead me to the passenger side of a silver car. He pulled the door open for me, helping me slid into the black leather seat before he closed the door; heading around to his own side.

“Ok, how many cars do you have?” I asked, trying not to laugh, once he’d taken his seat beside me.

“A few.” He answered smugly, shooting me a grin before he slammed on the gas; the force of acceleration pushing me back into the seat.

We drove quietly. I stared out the window as the lights of the city blew by. He slowed down once he reached the area around my loft; glancing over at me for directions - this time I gave them. “Well, this is me.” I said once he had pulled up to the curb in front of my building.
Alex nodded, putting the car into park as he licked his lips discreetly. “Umm… thanks for tonight… I guess I’ll see you tomorrow.” I turned around, reaching out for the door handle.

I felt his hand grab onto my arm, stopping me. I turned around trying to figure out how I was expected to react; if he was going to kiss me, was it what I wanted?
He was giving me a small lopsided smirk, not letting go of my arm as he brought up his other hand; sliding it along the back of my neck, under my hair.
He pulled me towards him without waiting for any kind of feedback from me.

Then his lips were on me, and they were all I knew. For a split second I thought about pushing him away, but I knew that was futile; my body was refusing to do anything that didn’t involve pulling him closer.
His breath was hot against me as his lips moved slowly on top of mine. His tongue pushed through the part in my mouth smoothly; forcing the heat to expand through me.
I was contemplating jumping over the centre console, when I finally pulled back. I smiled slightly when I realized that Alex’s breathing was increased to the same elevated level as mine. I turned away, trying to hide my blush as he ran his fingers along the back of my neck, moving down onto my shoulders.

“I should go…” I said quietly. I needed to get away from him before I allowed this to go to farther; but the last thing I wanted was to get out of the car. This was wrong, too wrong for me to continue.
It was a mistake to come out tonight; I have to go… I thought desperately, shrugging his hand off my shoulder.

“Stay.” He implored quietly, wrapping his arms around me and pulling me towards him once again.

“Alex, I can’t. I can’t.”

He nodded, smiling slightly as he released me. “Alright. I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“No, I can’t… I shouldn’t be doing this… here, with you.”

He started to chuckle, assuming that I was joking. When I didn’t laugh back, confusion crossed his face. “I don’t understand…”

“Look, you’re great but… I can’t do this.” I sighed, trying to find some way to explain to him just how screwed up this whole thing was. Why did I even allow myself to get into this position? Stupid, stupid Jespin! I looked away from Alex, unable to do anything else besides let the waves of guilt roll over me again.
I pushed the door open and stepped out into the night. Running up the steps to my loft and leaving Alex behind me; completely bewildered.