#34 - Careful What You Wish For

Vulnerable - Secondhand Serenade


“I don’t know what to do man… we’re together all the time. She likes me, a lot, I know she does. I just… I don’t get it. What else does she want from me?” I paced back and forth Greener’s living room as him and Brooks sat on the couch, watching me.

“Maybe she’s just worried about getting caught up in the media thing?” Greener suggested, for the hundredth time.

“Maybe she realized how ugly you are.” Brooks piped in, grinning as he did so.

“Thanks man…” I mumbled, too stressed to really care about his insult.

Greener sighed, taking another sip from his beer. “Maybe you should just put it all out on the line. Tell her, she either wants you, or she doesn’t.” He shrugged nonchalantly as I turned to stare at him.

“And if she says she doesn’t?!” I exclaimed, my face full of fear.

“At least you’d know.” Brooks said simply.

I shook my head; just the idea of Jespin leaving made me upset. “No… no. I’d rather not know and have her… than know and have her leave.”

“Then why the fuck are we even having this conversation. There ya go! You don’t wanna risk it so… let’s move on.”

“I want her to be my girlfriend Brooks! Not just the girl I sleep with.” I spat, shaking my head again.

“Jesus Ovie… you’re getting the milk for free… but you still wanna spend the money on a cow…? It makes no sense.”

“Did you just compare Jes to a cow?” I asked, hostility in my voice as I stepped towards him.

“I was joking! Fuck! She must be good in the sack for you to freak out this bad… of course… you’re sisters probably better.” Brooks laughed, punching Greener in the arm. “But then again, she’s a total freak…”

Greener didn’t dignify that with a response, shaking his head as he looked away. I wasn’t going to get any help with this… not with Brooks here.



“What are you thinking? You think she’s seeing that other guy?” I asked Greener once we were finally alone.

He shook his head. “No. If she was going to spend time with you and sleep with you behind his back, it wouldn’t make a difference if you had a title or not. You guys go out in public now and she doesn’t care, the only way he’d find out you two were together would be if he follows hockey… closely” He shrugged. “There’s something else here man… I just don’t know what it is.”

“Could you find out?” I asked sheepishly, quietly. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. “Greener… there is some reason why she doesn’t want to date me, and I don’t know what it is. We get along great, we talk all the time, we spend lots of time together… the sex is… fantastic. Please, find out. Tell me that I’m not completely crazy for being with her.
Greener, I’m falling hard here man…”

He let out a low whistle, surprise crossing his face. “I’ll go talk to her man… but I don’t know if she’ll tell me what’s going on…” I nodded, silently pleading that this would work out.
I didn’t want to be without her, but I need to know she was in this too. I knew I couldn’t stop myself from caring about her; but I need to know what I was doing wrong. I needed to know what was wrong with me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Chasing You - Kina Grannis (Doesn't start till about 1:17 in)


“Mike? What are you doing here?” I asked, smiling as the sheepish looking defenseman walked past me into my kitchen.

“I came to talk to you… it’s kinda… weird and personal actually…” I bit my lip as he rocked back and forth on his heels; uncomfortable, nervous.

“Umm… sure, ok.” I nodded, closing the door and heading into my living room, Mike following closely behind.
We both sat down on the couch, neither one of us saying anything at all for a few minutes. “So… are you gonna tell me why you came here?”
I was starting to get nervous, Mike was never this quiet, not ever. Maybe Alex sent him here to break up with me! My heart started to pound immediately, like an airplane taking off; it’s acceleration rocked through my body.
I began to draw in quick, short breaths; causing myself to get light-headed.

“Are you ok Jes?” I nodded, too quickly. The action causing a wave of nausea to hit me as I clutched onto the side of the couch. “Jes?”

“Why?” I half-sobbed as I focused on Mike.

“Why… why what?” He asked, his voice going up a pitch as he stared at my eyes; more specifically, at the tears that were growing in them. “Oh… it’s not… I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is…” Mike said, sliding over until he was beside me. “Ok, I don’t think that made sense. Look Jes, why won’t you date him?”

“I am dating him…”

“No I mean, why won’t you go public with him? Make it official?”

I shook my head, looking away. “He’s gonna leave isn’t he?” It was the only thing I could say.

“No… I don’t know. He just… doesn’t understand… none of us do.” He said quietly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You like him, right?” I nodded. “Then what is it… are you dating that guy from Pittsburgh? You can tell me Jes, between us.”

I sighed and shook my head, trying to find some way around this. I couldn't tell Mike the truth; the implications were terrifying. I wasn't ashamed of who I was, not at all; but that didn't make this any easier.
I felt like superwoman. Washington was my public persona, the place where no one knew who I really was; where I was free to make choices and decisions that affected only my life, and not the lives of my family.
By telling Mike the truth, I was opening myself up, taking away my safe place. There would be no more hiding behind the mask; all the expectations and implications of being the daughter of a hockey legend would crash in around me like waves of judgement.
I wanted to curl up into a ball. Run away to my secret layer. Continue to hide, safe and sound, behind the namelessness I had created for myself. The only thing that gave me pause was the questions surrounding Mikes visit.
If Alex had sent him here to find out, then it meant Alex was on his last leg. I wouldn't loose Alex, I couldn't.

With a deep breath I turned to face Mike, fear rocking through my body as the pieces of my new life began to fall away; exposing me for what I was. “No… we’re not dating but, I guess you could say it has to do with him…” Mike sat still, silent, waiting. “The ironic thing is… you already know who he is…” I paused to study him; his face was confused, worried. “Sidney Crosby.”

“Like… really?” He said shocked, his face a mixture of surprise and humour.

“Yep.” I breathed, steadying myself for the accusations of betrayal that were sure to follow.

“So, you like him and that-”

“No. I mean, I do like him but… not in the way I like Alex… it’s more complicated than that…” Mike chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me; he probably thought I was crazy, what could be more complicated than that? I bit my lip, the biggest secret bubbling up inside of me as I thought of Alex, of why I needed to do this. “I lied to you guys. My last name isn’t Landry, it’s Lemieux… Mario’s my father.” I said quickly, pushing the words out in a single breath.

“Shit.” He said, before falling silent again. I waited patiently for him to say something; anything. It was my worst nightmare. The silence echoed around us as Mike mulled my words over in his head, weighing what the best punishment for my lies would be.
Finally, he began laughing. “I’m sorry… that’s hilarious. Holy shit!”

I stared at him, my mouth gaping as he covered his face with his hands and continued to laugh. “You think this is funny?” I hissed, unable to believe what was happening; how could he possibly find humour in this?!

“I’m sorry Jes! I don’t mean to laugh at your life but… that’s like a soap opera or something… wow.” He shook his head, pulling me into a hug. “Is that it though?”

“Is that it?” I spat. What kind of mockery was this? Did he not have any idea what would happen if this went public?
If my father found out he would disown me, send me packing; refusing to have anything to do with a daughter that would sell herself across enemy lines.
Sidney would never speak to me again; he wouldn't even say anything bad. He would just give me that look - that look of complete disappointment and disgust - I could picture too clearly on his face.
Then there was Alex; and the fact that this revaluation would change everything for us, would suck our relationship of all the things that made it beautiful.
It was carefree, simple, perfect. We cared about each other because of who the other person was; not because of a name or a history.
Would he hate me? Would he be disgusted with himself for dating someone that had lied to him about the very core of herself?

“You know what I mean… is that what’s stopping you from being with Alex? You’d date him but you’d worry about how he’d react to this? How your dad would react to this?” I nodded slowly against his chest, wondering what he was going to say. “So… why exactly do you not want Alex to know all this?”

“I’m not sure… it’s just… I don’t want him to treat me any different; good or bad. I just want him to like me because he likes me, not because of my name or who I know or my connections-”

“But you already know that he likes you… I can’t see that really changing his mind. I guess though, if you don’t want to tell him, don’t tell him. That doesn’t mean you can’t date him. Just tell him you don't want some kind of huge 'Ovechkin hoopla' over the whole thing... that way, if it stays out of the press, you wouldn't have to tell your dad.”

I sighed and pulled away to look up at him. “Don’t you think that makes me a horrible person though… if I date him and he doesn’t know the truth?”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me; thoughtfully. “I don’t think so Jes. You’re doing it because you feel that’s what’s best for you… I think Ovie will just be happy if he can call you his girlfriend.”



I knocked on the door, waiting for Alex to answer; nervous as hell. After talking with Mike I still had no idea what I should be doing. I took a deep breath, feeling like it filled me for the first time. Even though I was completely confused, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Mike knew the truth, and that made me feel good - it was nice having one ally.
I could tell Alex that I cared about him, enough that I wanted to be with him and only him; but could I really do that if I wasn‘t willing to tell him the truth about who I was.
I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was; the way I saw it, I had three choices. First, I could tell him that I wanted to make things official and then tell him who I was, hoping for the best. Second, I could tell him I wanted to make things official and then not tell him anything else. Or, third, I could walk away. Tell him that it was over and save myself the rejection that might come from him learning about my parentage.
“Hey…” He said slowly as he pulled open the door, glancing around behind me. “What’s up?” I gazed up into his blue eyes, completely unsure as to what I was going to say.

“Alex, we need to talk.”