Thursday, January 28, 2010

Stories as they go...

Stories... YAY!

Alright, Gogo story is starting on Feb. 1st (Should be a good time!)

And I'm still following my original schedule BUT... just so you guys can have the addresses, here's the:

Semin story
and the

Godard story


Wednesday, January 20, 2010


Just a quick note.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took part in reading this story with me. I wasn't hoping to end it on some kind of cliché cop-out, but I really hope you'll be happy with where we ended up.
It has meant a lot to me, to have each and every one of you reading along and I especially loved getting your feedback!
After receiving a few e-mails from people who follow this story I decided to promise that I would write a sequel... but that will not be for a *long* time! I have so many other fun ideas and I really, really hope that you guys enjoy them! (I'll put the sequel's link at the end... but again, it won't be happening for a long time).

Thank you all, so, so much.


Make You Close Your Eyes - Dierks Bentley

I could tell by the look on her face that she expected to find anger when she looked up at me. She probably thought I was going to tell her to get out of my house, out of my city; move back to Pittsburgh, but I didn’t. It was the farthest thing from my mind. “Seriously Jespin, that’s so stupid…" I said slowly, allowing my voice to lose it's edge. "Why would you ever think that I didn’t want you?”

She inhaled sharply, her eyes starting to well up with tears. She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her; not with words but with my lips.
I kissed her like I never kissed her before; until my lips hurt and I was light-headed.

I finally pulled away from her, cupping her face in my hands. “I thought you were gone… I didn’t think you were coming back.” I stopped talking as my voice became too choked up to trust.

She gave me a weak smile as I flopped down on the couch, pulling her down beside me. “I’m sorry about that… I just…” She laughed sadly, shaking her head slightly before continuing. “After everything that’s happened, I wasn’t sure you’d want me to come back. I wasn‘t going to but… I guess I‘d been looking for an excuse to stay here.”

“You already have an excuse Jes. Ya tak lyub-lyu te-bya…”

“You know I don’t know what you’re saying, right?”

I turned around to face her fully, cupping her face in my hands, tilting it towards me. “It means that I love you. That I love you more than anything… that, I need you here with me, always.”

She tried to shake her head, but I stopped her; forcing her to keep eye contact with me. “You don’t mean that.” She said finally, her eyes brimming with tears.

“But I do.” I wanted to say everything, tell her everything that I was feeling; but I couldn’t - she made me speechless.
Instead I bent down, grazing my lips against hers. I deepened the kiss; not breaking it as I scooped her up in my arms and carried her towards my room.

I set her back down on her feet once we were by the bed. I could tell she wanted to say something but I didn’t allow it, continuing to hold her face up to mine with one hand; the other gently sliding away the straps of her simple sun-dress.
I felt it fall down on top of my feet as her arms wound around my waist. I let go of her face, breaking the kiss long enough to pull my shirt over my head and toss it away.
My pants went next, flying across the room to land somewhere by my shirt. I dropped down on my knees in front of her, grabbing onto her hips with my hands.
I slid the white lace down over her thighs before I looked up, meeting her gaze for the first time since we came through the bedroom door.
It was crazy, how long it had been since I’d seen her; but everything came back as soon as I saw those eyes.

I smiled to myself as I began to trail kisses along her waist and onto her thigh. She let out a low sigh and I took it as my cue to continue. I moved my head lower until I could shove my tongue into her soft, wet, folds.
Her hands began to run through my hair, coaxing me onward.

I pushed her down onto the end of the bed and moved as close to her as I could; until my chest was pressed against the bed, in between her legs.
I worked her over with my fingers and tongue until she couldn’t hold herself up any longer; flopping down on the bed with a satisfied grin.
I scooped her up again, positioning her until she was at the top of the bed, before crawling up on top of her.
Pushing her legs open I lowered myself down. I needed her desperately, every part of her; immediately.
But there were too many things that I needed to say first, too many things that I needed to make her understand. “Jes…” I murmured into her ear, nuzzling my face against her.

“Alex, please…” She whined, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Don’t stop…” I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from slamming myself into her; this was too important.

“Don’t worry love, we will.” I said softly, reaffirming what I already knew. “I need you to understand something first though… I love you.”


“No listen. I know I never said it before, and I know that I should have. But I love you Jespin Lemieux, I love every single part of you.
I can’t ever loose you again Jes, I need you to know that I want you forever. I need you to know that no matter what’s happened in the past, and no matter what anyone has to say - you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I won’t loose you again Jes. I’m not going to make the same mistakes that we’ve been making. This time I’m in it for life… and if you ever pull another stunt like you did back home… I’m gonna follow you back to Pittsburgh, and not take no for an answer."

She sighed, tears falling from the corner of her eyes. “I love you…” She said softly, reaching up to wipe away at the streaks of wetness that were traveling down her face. “I’m so sorr-” I rolled my eyes, cutting her off by pressing my lips gently to hers.

I still couldn’t believe that she was really here, even in the heat of passion; her body arching up against mine as her legs quivered gently around me, I couldn’t believe it was real.
In response to my inability to accept the truth, I held onto her tighter.

I grasped her shoulders firmly in my hands, my fingers digging into her soft flesh as I pushed myself inside of her. She was perfection; more beautiful than I remembered. I grinned in complete satisfaction; every inch of her body pressed up against mine as she moved with me in unison.

I wanted everything. I wanted all of her, the good and the bad. The confusing and the wonderful. I knew without a doubt that there could never possibly be anyone else for me, not even close.
I sighed, trying to restrain myself as my hormones and heart started working in harmony. I wanted, no need, to own her. I needed to possess her desires, command her lust; if it was the only thing I did with the rest of my life, I needed her to need me.

There was no way I could ever loose her again, not after everything we went through, not after finally admitting my unyielding love for her. I had to make sure that she understood that, I had to make her see that there was no way we were ever going our separate ways.
I needed to wipe her brain clean of all the bad things in the world. I need to - wanted to - spend the rest of my life reaffirming that I loved her more than anything. I needed to never let a day go by when she didn't know the truth... and more than that; I needed her to love me and believe me. Only me.


You Fill My Heart - Jason Walker


I sat beside Alex, his arm resting lightly around my shoulders as I watched my dad, Austin, Lauren, Stephanie and Alexia, tear through the presents below the Christmas tree. “They’re not going anywhere you know…” My mother quipped, flopping down on the other side of me, a mug of hot coffee in her hands.
They didn’t answer her, continuing to tear at the brightly coloured paper, until their spoils were scattered across the floor.

I chuckled along with Alex as my family dispersed across the house; everyone moving off to their own rooms, leaving us alone. “Are they always like that?”

“Worse…” I answered, causing him to laugh louder. “They were on their best behaviour for you.” I grinned up at him before leaning over, resting my head on his shoulder as we settled back on the couch, watching the day break through the front, bay window. “What time do your parents get in?” I asked him, my eyes still focused on the winter land outside.

“I’m suppose to pick them up at noon… I can’t believe they’re staying here… so many people.” He sighed, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. “Too many people… how do I get you alone?”

“I have the utmost faith in you.” I giggled, sighing as I finally pushed myself off the black leather surface and made my way into the kitchen. I felt Alex moving behind me as he chased after me, pulling me into a hug before I reached the fridge.

I sighed in complete contentment as I wrapped my arms back around him, breathing him in as he held me, tightly. He pulled away slightly, just enough to smile down at me, staring like always. “Don’t you ever get tired of looking at me… I mean, it’s not like I change or anything…”

He shook his head, grinning broadly. “No, you don’t change… it’s just, the more I look, the more I see…”
I pursed my lips and rolled my eyes slightly as he kissed the top of my forehead; no matter how many times he said things like that to me, I’d probably never be able to take him seriously.
That didn’t mean I wanted him to stop though.

The phone rang and I jumped slightly. Alex didn’t let go of me, continuing to hold onto me tightly as he walked me backwards towards the phone. “A Mr. Troy Crosby…” He chuckled as he pulled the phone off the receiver and handed it to me.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” I shouted into the phone without waiting to find out who I was talking to. It was someone from Sidney’s house, that was really all I needed to know.

“Hey pretty lady! Get a good haul this year?” Keisha shouted back, causing me to laugh as I glanced back over my shoulder at the assortment of gifts under the tree.

“I still haven’t opened anything yet… too busy watching everyone else I guess.” I explained as Alex bent down to nuzzle his face into my neck. “What about you? Sidney get you anything good?”

She let out a loud squeal and I could only imagine how badly he’d spoiled her. “Honest to god… to god! The damn wrapping paper he used, cost more than I make in a year… I got the poor kid a photo album and a tie…” She sighed audibly, but there was still no mistaking the grin I could easily picture on her face.

“I’m sure he still loved it.” I said, trying to comfort her ego as Alex began to rub his stubble against the sensitive skin on my neck. “Anyway, how’s Cole Harbour treating you?”

I could only imagine the answer to that. Ever since Sidney and Keisha had become a couple, things had certainly been turned upside down in the Crosby household.
Troy was against it, obviously. He had dealt with Sidney’s crush on me only because I was Mario Lemieux’s daughter, and in some sick way, that made me good enough for him.
Troy’s reasoning’s behind his attempted sabotages on their relationship, ranged from it being ‘too soon’ for him to be seen with someone else, to Keisha’s skin colour. Apparently, Troy believed, people would have issues with the Golden Boy being in an interracial relationship.
That wasn't going to sway Sidney. He listened to his dad when it came to hockey and endorsement deals; he was happy, so happy with Keisha.
There was no way he'd let his father ruin that for him... not after he'd spent his whole life searching for a girl like her.

“Hmm… what can I say, I think I’m starting to grow on Papa bear… and things with Sidney are good... I guess. Ugh, ok no lies, I'll be honest... I love the kid to death but if he tries to get me to play hockey one more time, I might kill him.” We both laughed at that, Alex chuckling along with us; apparently Keisha’s voice was carrying - like normal. “No kidding… you’d think there are things to do here… nope. Hockey and standing out front of the bingo hall, no wonder these kids leave town when they’re fifteen.” She quipped while I rolled my eyes; yes the kids left town at fifteen, and then they usually ended up at my house. If anyone knew Sidney’s hockey addiction, it was me.
We said our goodbyes and I told her to give Sidney a hug for me.

I smiled to myself as I hung up the phone, Alex’s arms winding around my waist once again. “Are you gonna open your presents now?” He asked sheepishly as he tugged me away from the kitchen.

I sighed, enjoying the look of excitement and anxiousness on his face. “I suppose I could do that for you…” I chuckled, allowing him to lead me into the living room.

I flopped down on the couch while he grabbed a package and handed it to me. Grinning I pulled off the wrapping, only to feel my mouth drop.
I stared at the photo in my hands, unable to believe it was real. Turning it over I could only shake my head as I felt laughter bubbling up inside of me. “It’s good, isn’t it? Best present you ever got?!” He said proudly, causing me to tear up as the laughter erupted out of me.

“You got me and autographed picture of yourself?” I howled, clutching the frame in my hand as I stared down at it.

“Yah… what could be better than that? Now you can look at me even when I’m not around.”

“And it’s autographed…” I added with a snort.

He nodded, proud as a peacock. “And it’s autographed.”

“Alex, love, don’t ever change. Ok?” I said quietly as he flopped down beside me, throwing his arm around my shoulder. He grinned at me as handed me another package, a smaller one.
I pulled the lid off the box and pulled out a hockey puck.
I glanced over at him, raising my eyebrows as he continued to grin. “An autographed picture of you, and a hockey puck?” I laughed quietly as I wiped away my tears.
I couldn’t help but feel my face light up as I realized that in his mind, these were probably the sweetest things anyone could possibly receive. "Thank you."

He reached out and flipped the hockey puck over, until I could read the white words on the other side; I read them out-loud:

“People are so cynical about love, because,
love truly is everything it’s cracked up to be.
It really is worth fighting for,
being brave for,
risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything,
you risk even more.”

I bit my lip as I finished, feeling the emotion well up inside of me as I glanced over at him. He took my momentary silence to reach over and turn the small puck onto it’s side.
I glanced down: November 17th, 2008. “What’s that?” I asked slowly, going back through my mind and trying to figure out what had happened last November. Obviously a hockey game, a game that Alex had scored on with this puck, but I couldn’t make the connection.

“That night I only scored that one goal. I skated by you afterwards and you smiled at me.
And when you smile at me like that, like you really saw me… I knew one day I was going to make you my wife.”

I felt like I couldn’t breath, like everything in the world had just stopped. I couldn’t get my mind to wrap around what he saying; was he asking, or just making an observation?
I watched him in slow motion as he moved off the couch in front of me, dropping down onto his knees and taking my hands in his.
I could see his lips move but I couldn’t make sense of the words; the ringing in my ears were too loud. “I don’t… I don’t know what you’re saying… oh my god.”

“I love you Jespin. I know it’s soon, and I’m not saying that we need to plan anything yet… I don’t want to pressure you, but I need you forever.” He grinned, his eyes brimming with elation as he looked up at me. “Engagements aren't even big things in Russia… people don’t make big hooplas over them or anything so… it’s not a huge-”

“I love you, Alex.” I managed to choke out. “I need you forever too.” I finished, causing his grin to widen as he pulled out the ring.

He stood up slowly, once the ring was in place on my finger, pulling me up beside him. He gently put his arms around me, brushing his lips against mine, as I pressed myself against him. I breathed him in, the tears of joy falling freely down my face as I clung to him.
I took a deep breath, realizing for the first time - without a doubt - that I would never have to let him go again. Not because of anyone or anything.
Alex loved me - loved me just as much as I loved him - and there was no one in the world that could ever take that from me.

The love that coursed through my veins would never require embellishments or glitz and glam; it was perfect in it’s own existence, and would never need more than him.
I knew that I was young and that there would still be the naysayer’s but at that moment, I couldn’t cares less about any of it; not when I’d already found someone who made everything sweeter. That one person that I could be myself around and not worry about being judged or put down; someone that filled my heart with wonder, every time I saw him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my father. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his cheat; grinning from ear to ear.
I smiled back at him and he nodded slightly, telling me how much he loved me in a single action.
I shut my eyes again as I began to laugh and cry at the same time.

How beautiful that crowded, messy room looked in that moment; my entire life in one single second of happiness. Everything had been worth it then, I knew that for sure; every tear, every heartache, every feeling of disappointment - it was all nothing but a distant memory in comparison to the love I felt now.
I sighed to myself as Alex pulled away, grinning down at me as he ran his fingers down the side of my face.

I saw in his eyes then, all the validation of the world; telling me that never again would I let down the people that I loved.
The rest of the world could disappear for all I cared; their opinion wouldn’t effect me, not ever again, not ever in the same capacity as before.
I knew now, without a doubt that the only people who mattered were the ones that loved me; Alex, the most amazing of all.

I wasn't worried about the future, not as long as I had him. Nothing would ever mean as much to me, as the love that we shared; and as long as we had that, I would never give up on happiness.
I would never again become a traitor against my own heart.


colour of love

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

The End

Down - Jason Walker

One Month Later

I paced back and forth around the living room, hating myself for thinking I was strong enough to just walk away from her. Letting out a low grunt I flopped down onto one of the armchairs, leaning my head back and closing my eyes as I inhaled deeply. I tried not to think about what she was doing at this very moment, but it was no use. She’s probably out having a good time with the Penguins and the rest of her friends - she’s probably not thinking about me at all.
The thought didn’t even make me angry, just sad. Any anger I felt towards the Penguins, especially Sidney Crosby, were all but extinguished; nothing more than the chard remains of a hate that use to burn through me.
That was the only upside to how I was feeling now. It wasn't even like he had won, I knew that she wasn't with him; that she would never be with him - but that didn't make it better.
I wanted to call her, ask her how her intern was going with the Pens, but I couldn't...

Not having Jespin was like loosing the entire world all at once; one second there had been everything, green earth, warm sun, hope, love… and then the next, nothing.
I missed her so much it hurt; I loved her so bad, it hurt more.

I spent my time bouncing back and forth between determination and hopelessness. At times I wanted to run to Pittsburgh and kick down the front door. Run to her room and grab her; hold onto her and never let her go.
Then I would remember that she was moving on, and I had no right to keep dragging her back to me.
I wasn’t a knight in shinning armour; there were no dragons to slay, nothing for her to be rescued from.

She hadn't found someone else as far as I knew, not yet. I knew someday though, she'd find someone that she wanted to be with more than anything else. I wanted to be happy for her, I wanted to be able to look her in the face and honestly tell her that I was - or at least be able to lie well enough that she’d believe me.

There was no getting over Jes, I knew that, I had accepted that; but that didn’t make life any easier. She was still the only woman that I saw, the only one that mattered; the only one that could make me feel anything.

My mother was concerned, she did little to try and hide it. I wanted to tell her that everything was fine, that I was ok; but she knew me too well to believe me, and I knew her too well to bother lying.

Sergei had always told me to shoot for the stars; that, even if I didn’t make it, it would still be one hell of a ride. I had done that, tried my best to reach for everything I’d ever wanted; but I had failed miserably. I had lost the only thing that ever really mattered, the only thing that would ever matter to me.

And how funny it was, that I could think about Sergei and not hurt anymore.

That was another thing Jespin had done to me; for me. After telling her the truth about my brother and his death; she had sat beside me and comforted me, she didn’t hate me.
She told me that it wasn’t my fault, only for some reason, I believed her. I believed her because I wanted to believe her, and because she made it sound so simple.
Showing her the darkest side of myself, allowing the bad to show; then still feeling her warm embrace surround me, was enough to pull me out of my misery.
Of course I still missed him, deeply; but I was ready now.
I was ready to move on and go forward - not to forget, but - to forgive myself for a world that was, and always would be, out of my control.

Only now I had no one to move forward with…

I sighed as someone knocked on the front door. I glanced down at my watch and realized that I should have left for practice at least twenty minutes ago. Oh well… I thought, pushing myself off the chair and jogging towards the stairs.

I ran past the front door and shouted out “Just a second man! I lost track of time… come in, I gotta change.” I jogged up the stairs as Greener let himself in the front door.
I threw on a pair of D&G jeans, and a tight blue tee-shirt before running back down the stairs.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed my car keys off the table before heading towards the front door. There was no way I was gonna let Greener drive me anywhere, no matter how close it was. That kid just could not be trusted…

I took a deep breath before I turned around the last corner, feeling ready.
Ready for hockey, for the season. Ready to hang out with my friends again, and try to smile. I wasn’t ready to move past Jespin, I probably never would be, but I would go on…

I would go on, because it would be what Sergei wanted me to do; because no matter what my sins had been in the past, even I deserved a second chance. Just because I didn't carry the guilt with me any longer, I knew that I wasn't a traitor. I could still love and honour my brother's memory... I could do that by moving forward, by living life for both of us.


The Call - Regina(Cover)

I glanced around the small room that was about to become my new office; packing box in hands. I shifted the container until I was able to lift it, high enough that I could set it on my new desk.
It was full of pictures, documents, textbooks and other odds and ends that I had decided to take with me. On the very top was a picture of Alex and I; one that had been taken during a random night out - it caused me to bite down on my lip, as the picture pushed him back into the forefront of my mind.
I sighed as I began to pull everything out of the box; distributing the contents between the desk, shelves and filing cabinet - accordingly.

“Hey… you must be Jespin?” I turned around and smiled at the girl standing in my doorway.

“Yah I am… Nikita?” I asked her, extending a hand as she smiled at me.

“So you’re the head internet they said? You’re doing the two year program?” I nodded along with her questions, my eyes returning to the picture that was now on my desk - causing them to fill with tears.

“Umm… I’m gonna finish setting some things up in here and then I’ll meet you in the locker-room ok?” I said quickly, trying to mask the emotion that was now brimming in my voice. She nodded and turned around, heading off down the hallway towards the group of boys that I would soon have to face.

I sighed and turned back to the desk and my now half-empty box. I moved to continue on packing, but stopped, flopping down in to the chair and resting my face in my hands. This was the right thing to do… I chanted over and over again in my head, hoping that the constant sanction would stop the burning that was spreading through my chest. It didn’t.
I felt the hot tears pool over my lids and onto the palm of my hands, as my body shook gently with the sobs that were now consuming me. “Jes? Jespin?” I breathed in sharply, wiping away the tears hurriedly as I looked up to meet the gaze of my father. “Jes… what’s wrong?” He moved over to me and pulled me up towards him, holding me against his chest tightly as fresh tears began to trail down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around his neck as his strong arms held me up.

“Shh…” He hushed in my ear, turning his body slightly; rocking me into a lull. “Are you sure you're doing the right thing Jespin? You've been a mess for weeks” I nodded slowly, pulling my face away from his chest as I did so.

“It is… this is where I belong dad. I just, didn’t think it would hurt so much… I’ve made such a mess of everything. Of everyone.”

“That’s not true Jespin.” He said confidently, tilting my chin towards him and raising his eyebrows. “Are you sure you made the right decision this time though?”

I nodded, trying to appear confident. “I need to be here… this is the right decision. I just, I hope I can make it up to him. He's been better to me than I ever could have deserved and... I never loved him the way I should have... I need to correct that. I need to give him the chance he deserves.” He stared back at me, thoughtfully, before slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“I think that you, officially picking to be here, will make it up to him. You don't have to be alone anymore Jessie.” I hope you’re right… I sighed, not bothering to say it out loud, as I allowed him to lead me down the hallway. “Well now that you‘re all settled in… I’m gonna head home.” He said as we stopped walking. He gave me a one armed-hug, kissing my temple before he left; leaving me standing outside of the locker-room.
I could hear them on the other side; laughing, shouting, carrying-on. Oblivious to the fact that I was about to come through the door. I wondered how many of them knew the Penguins had offered me the internship, how many of them would really believe I was here?

My heart was hammering in my chest so hard that I could feel it in my throat. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm my erratic breathing as I wiped my clammy hands off on my jeans. Just reach out and open it… I thought; willing myself to push the door open. You can’t stand here forever Jespin!
I closed my eyes and leaned up against the door, taking one last breath before gently pushing my body forward.

I opened my eyes as I took my first step into the room; only catching the attention of one person. “Holy shit!” I grimaced as Mike flung himself across the room at me. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged the air out of me. “I thought you were moving back to Pittsburgh!?”

“Can’t breath!” I groaned, causing him to laugh as he loosened his grip, just enough for me to draw a breath.

“This is crazy! I was talking to Alex yesterday and he said you weren’t coming back…”

“Well, I haven’t really told him yet…” I trailed off, not really wanting to have this discussion in a room full of people - all of which were staring at me. I took the opportunity to glance around; Alex wasn’t there.

“He didn’t show up today.” Nick said expectantly as he came to stand beside us. I nodded in response, trying to look like I understood the tone of his statement. The rest of the team was still staring at me; half-smiling, half waiting for me to say something.

"I was just about to go get him but..." Mike said, smiling as he trailed off.

I knew that I should just leave Alex alone, if he wasn’t at practice then he was probably wasn't in any mood to deal with me. Besides, my place was at the arena, doing my job; but I didn‘t think I‘d be able to get through an entire day without talking to him. “I’ll see you guys later on…” I began, trying to figure out a way to get out without drawing attention to where I was heading.

“No explanation needed… tell Ovie we said hi.” Semi laughed from his stall, causing me to blush slightly as I dashed out the door.

I had no idea what I was going to say to him, what could I say to him? ‘Sorry’, seemed like a good place to start as any, but that would hardly be enough. And was this even the right thing to do? Sure, he had seemed upset when he left my house at the start of August, but it was the middle of September now; boys change their minds all the time. Why would now be any different?

I had been guiltily watching the fan sights for any information on who - if anyone - he was seeing; according to the internet, he was single. That didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be with me though…
I should have ran after him - again - once I saw the whole ’attack on Oksana’ thing, but I was still too chicken to do that.

It might have been along the lines of the same thing; their hate for her and their hate for me. There was one major difference though… Oksana was the prettiest girl I had ever seen; and I was ‘plain Jane’ at best. Maybe if I had of been prettier, maybe if I looked like the ideal 'hockey wife', I'd have felt differently about it. It was too late to think about that, I had to stop reliving it in my head.

I pulled up outside Alex’s house. I got out of my car and ran up the walk; hoping that he was still here, and alone.
I took a deep breath, reaching out to knock on the door.

His voice melted me instantly, even if he had just called me ‘man’, and had no idea who I was.
I shoved the door open anyway, catching sight of him as he headed up the stairs, dashing off towards his room. I sighed, stood awkwardly in the foyer, waiting.

I was standing there a few minutes before he came back down, smiling to himself as he went into the kitchen. He appeared a second later, swinging his keys around his finger.
I bit my lip when our eyes met; the smile fading off his face. “Jes?” He asked slowly, hesitantly as he froze in the foyer.
I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face as he took a timid step towards me. “You’re here…?” He said quietly, something between a question and a statement, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I nodded. “You came back for me?”
I nodded again, biting the inside of my cheek as tears began to well up in my eyes.

“I’m sorry… maybe this was a bad-” He held up a hand, cutting me off as he closed the gap between us, in three long strides.

He stared at me, long and hard for a few agonizing moments. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t bring words to form on my lips as I gazed up into his clear blue eyes. “What does this mean?” He finally asked, ending the silence that was crushing in around us.

“I don’t know…” I answered honestly, trying to sound as unemotional as possible; I wanted to talk to him, not cry like a baby. I looked away from him, not trusting my voice, or my emotional resolve. When he didn’t say anything, I kept going. “I decided that I wanted to stay in Washington… even if you don’t want me- I mean, even if things aren’t the same between us, this is my home now. This is where I’m suppose to be.”

“That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard…” He said harshly, causing me to glance up at him again...

Monday, January 18, 2010

#60 - The Final Realization

Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
(Ok… a guy made this video for his gf (who is living with Crohn’s Disease) and I think it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen…)

“So… for whatever reason, you’re father didn’t tell you this… but, we want to offer you a full ride scholarship to Penn State. That includes an internship with the Penguins and a guarantee job signing at the end, if you’re interested that is?” I could hardly believe my ears.

I had sent in my application to the Penguins when things had gone downhill with Alex; not actually hoping for anything, other than some kind of plan B for next year. I wasn’t sure whether or not I would be able to spend everyday at the Verizon Center and not hurt when I saw him; I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me back there.
Maybe he’d be uncomfortable with an ex-girlfriend working with him. Or maybe he wouldn’t care at all… I wasn’t sure which would be worse.

I stared at Jack, the Pen’s head medical trainer, as he smiled at me warmly. “Umm… wow. I honestly didn’t think that I’d hear anything back from this. I mean, I know that sounds silly since my dad owns the team but… you guys are so… picky.”

He laughed loudly and nodded. “Regardless of your parentage Jespin, you did excellent in your first year of University and I’m positive you’re going to do fantastic here.
You can even live at home, I’m sure your father will love that.”

“I bet.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes as I thought about how happy dad would be if I came home; and then it struck me. If there was a chance for me to come home, why wouldn’t dad have told me this himself?

“So what do you think Jes? Do the Pens have a new head intern?”

“Head internet?!”

“Well yah, you’ve already served one year as an intern and you’d be the only second year student we’d have on staff. It’s just a formality really, you can show some of the other interns around, help them out with questions or concerns… it’s not a big deal.”

I raised my eye brows as I nodded slowly. “Alright… yah. Sure… that sounds great. Penguins here I come!” I giggled, raising my fist in a mock-celebration.

“Fantastic. Now, it won’t be official till September but, I look forward to working with you.” I grinned back as he shook my hand. Excusing himself back out the front door.
I shut it behind him and sighed lightly as I heard someone descending the stairs.

I turned around just as dad reached the landing. “So… guess who’s moving home?” I grinned, excited to see his reaction.
It was less then expected.

“Why?” He asked, gazing at me intently. “I mean, not that I’m not happy but… why? I thought you loved Washington?”

“I do but… this might be nice. Being home and getting to see everyone all the time again. Plus I’ll get to hang out with the guys again… that’ll be nice.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes zoning out for a few seconds before he focused back on me. “Yah… sounds nice…”

“Well, that’s fantastic Jes, you should be really happy… the Pens are lucky to have you.” Alex said as I sat in my room; my cell phone clutched tightly against my ear. I smiled to myself as he praised me, his mouth full of whatever it was men ate, when there was no one to cook for them. “I’m sure some of the boys will miss you though…”

“Oh well, just means more fresh meat for everyone.” I laughed along with him - even though I could feel a sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought.

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line, as we both feel into an uncomfortable silence. It was the first of it’s kind, and I didn’t like it. It was unexplainable and it hurt; a lot.
Did this mean that we had nothing left to say to each other? Or was there a distant barrier there now? Both thoughts were horrible ones.
I didn’t want to be done with Alex, not ever, even if we were technically ’done’. Break-up with someone is one thing, imagining your life without them is even more foreign.

“So… talk to Sana lately?” He asked suddenly, causing me to bite my lip in confusion.

I shook my head to myself before answering; trying to remember the last time in my head. “No, it’s been a week or more… why?”

“Oh, just more shit in the media about her… I honestly don’t know how she does it. What is it about her that people hate so much?” He asked absently, as I began to search the web.
Sure enough a few seconds later some sites popped up, and I just shook my head; angry.

“I think it’s the fact that she looks like Malkin cut her out of a magazine… and he’s well…”

“And he’s ugly! He gives Russians a bad name… so lucky I’m hear to pick it up.”

“Yes… he should be very pleased…” I responded, rolling my eyes and trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.
Someone knocked at my door, causing me to jump. “Oh, hold on, someone’s here.”

“No worries, I should go anywhere. I’ll talk to you sometime soon, alright?”

“Sounds good, night.”

“Night.” He hung up and I put the phone down, turning around as Sidney pushed the door open.

“Busy?” He asked quietly, and I shook my head, motioning for him to come in. “You’re staying here?” he asked, grinning as he crossed the room towards me. I stared up at him, not bothering to stand up as he stopped in front of me. He watched me intently, until I was sure he was going to kiss me.
It was a frightening thought, I wasn’t staying here for him… surely he had to see that?

“Umm… see this stuff about Oksana?” I asked, trying to divert his attention from me.

Sidney nodded, finally pulling his eyes away from me to glance at the computer screen. “Yah… annoying as shit. I feel bad for her… she can’t catch a break that girl.”

“She doesn’t even do anything to deserve it…”

He nodded his head in agreement. “Nope but, you know… people hate the people that have the things they want. Especially girls, girls suck.”

I chuckled quietly as he leaned away from me. “Well anyway… I have to get going… I’m heading to Flower’s but, I just wanted to say that I’m really happy you’re staying here Jes.
It just feels right.”

I nodded as he patted my shoulder before turning around and heading for the door. I turned back to the screen and scrolled down; the whole situation was eerily familiar, but different.
They were saying the same things about Oksana that they said about me; only they were calling her a gold-digger on top of it. The only real difference was, Oksana was none of the things that she said.
She wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t horrible and she wasn’t a bitch. Besides, Geno loved her and she loved him, why wouldn’t that be enough for Geno’s so-called-fans?

I gasped, throwing my hands up to my mouth as realization poured over me. “I’m such a fucking idiot!” I moaned, sliding my hands over my face and taking a deep breath.
Everything they said about her, they said about me too. I couldn’t believe that people would say things like that if they weren’t true, but they did; here was my proof.
If they could lie about her, they could lie about me too.

They lied about me too, but I was too late to do anything about it. Why couldn’t I have made this realization before everything had been finalized with Alex?
Why couldn’t I have accepted everything that everyone said to me as true, and ignored the faceless people on the internet?

God I was stupid. Now everything was ruined, and there was nothing I could do about it. Alex was done, and I had to accept that.

I sighed, closing my lap top and heading over to my bed; I’d give anything to return to the blissful ignorance I had felt only moments before.



My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I sighed as I hung up and flicked through my computer screen. I shook my head as more pictures of Sana and Geno popped up.
It was retarded the way people attacked her constantly; it was almost more brutal than the things they said about Jespin.

Of course, it didn’t bother Oksana. Not because she was immune or because she was conceited; she had Geno’s love, and that was all she needed. She knew that he loved her beyond anything, so why would she listen to other people?

And there it was, all of my problems in a nutshell. Geno loved Oksana, and most importantly, she knew it.
Would that have changed anything? It wasn’t like she didn’t know that I loved her. It was obvious. If I didn’t love her then I never would have spent all that time with her, told her how awesome she was; were those three words really so important when I acted on it everyday?

Maybe I should tell her, maybe it would change her mind? Maybe I needed to stop being such a coward and just call her back, apologise to her and make everything ok.
If I told her I loved her, would that fix it all? Could it really be that simple?

I was a coward when it came to that, otherwise, I would have told her a long time ago. But could I tell her now? I wanted to, I wanted to call her right now and tell her everything…

No. I can’t, she’s in Pittsburgh, I can’t mess her life up anymore… I need to let her go. She was moved on with her life, happy with it, and the decision had been made.
How selfish of me would it be if I ruined all of that? I had no right to make her feel guilty about moving forward.

God, how did I let this happen? How is it possible that I had the whole world in my arms, and was still too afraid to tell her something so simple; something so right.
I could tell her about Sergei, but I still couldn’t tell her that I loved her - I could tell her the worst about me, but not the best.
It made no sense, but it was the only thing that I could do. I couldn’t chase her down, I had to let her go; if I really loved her, it was time to prove it.

There was no more being selfish and putting myself first; I had to let her live her own life… and hope that she had all the happiness in the world.

I had to let her go.

Sunday, January 17, 2010

#59 - Lost And Found

Hey all! Just wanted to say that the post that is 'technically' #61... is The End of this story.
There's an epilogue afterwards, and I believe that that's due up on the 20th.
That will be the complete end to this story... /sob. I can't believe it's actually almost over!!

My Little Girl - Tim McGraw

“Umm… what?” Alex asked slowly as he followed me up the stairs, towards my office.

I shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “I guess I just assumed you’d be coming here to see me one day, for one reason or another.” I explained, closing the office door behind me as he took the seat in front of the desk.

His face contorted in confusion as I flopped down across from him, into my large desk chair. “I don’t mean to sound rude… but I didn’t come here to talk to you… I came here to see Jespin.”

I chuckled lightly. “I know you’re here to talk to her… but I also know that you love her. I also know that you want to be with her and… I know you’re a semi-traditional guy.” He tilted his head in acknowledgement, still not sure where I was trying to go. “I remember how awful it was the day I went to Nat’s house to ask her dad if I could marry her… he, of course, had to make it difficult but… that’s apparently a hereditary thing.” I laughed, glancing down at the wedding photo on my desk.
I looked back up at Alex, he looked terrified. “I’m not saying that you’re here right now to ask me that…” I backtracked quickly. “I know you’re here to win her back. I just thought it might help you to know that… I give you my blessing.”

He laughed lightly, his eyes lighting up as he caught sight of a small picture of Jespin in front of him; pig-tails, popsicle moustache and freckles - grinning broadly with missing teeth.
We sat in silence a few moments, both of us looking at the photos around the room. I saw pictures of a little girl that had grown up too fast - but beautifully. He saw the woman he loved, back when she was still mine. “I don’t think that that’s ever going to happen but… why? Why would you want her with me?”

“I could give you a list of reasons if you want me to. You’re smart, you’re financially stable, you’re part of the world that she grew up in… I could continue but… there’s no point. None of that matters.
I’m giving you my support and my blessing, because my daughter loves you. She’s lost when she’s without you, and when she’s with you… she finds herself again. You make her happy and… she deserves all the happiness in the world.”

He continued to look around the room, drinking in the family pictures, before speaking again. “You know, it would have been easier to just tell everyone I was a mistake… that it was just poor judgement; that I manipulated her.”

I nodded in agreement, he had no idea how right he was. “Absolutely. Who would that serve though? Jespin doesn’t think you were a mistake and I don’t believe you manipulated her.
No matter what we said, there would have been a group of people with something to say about it.
We told the truth, because you didn’t do anything to deserve less than that. Besides, Jespin would never have allowed it.”

He nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “She won’t take me back though… I want her to but, she won’t.
It’s like… anything I ever said to her… none of it mattered. As soon as shit hit the fan she was gone; she stopped listening to me and believed all of their lies-”

“It’s a hard thing to go through.” I said quietly, cutting him off. “She might be my daughter, and she might have lived in the hockey world her whole life, but she was never involved in any of this.
You have no connection to me either; I’m a famous Canadian hockey player, not a Russian one. If I was, then maybe this would have been easy for you both… the same way it would have been easy for her and Sidney.”

I could tell by the way his shoulders slumped, that the idea wasn’t a pleasant one. He didn’t argue though; he knew I was right. “What do I do?” He asked finally, softly.

“You have to tell her… tell her everything. Then let her decided what she’s going to do about it.” He gulped audibly, something that caught me off guard. He looked ashamed - guilty - like I had brought up something private. It didn’t make sense though.
I had told Alex that I already knew he was in love with here, there was no reason for him to be ashamed about it; unless he really was that afraid to say it to her.

I waited for him to say something else, but he never spoke. Finally, I stood up and walked towards the door, opening it. “She’s in her room… down the hall, third door on the-” I stopped talking, shaking my head as a thought just occurred to me. Alex stood up too, looking confused as I continued to laugh. “I guess I should have realized that you already know where it is.”
I managed to choke out as I shook my head, slightly embarrassed as he walked by. He was blushing, and it looked like he wanted to say something apologetic, but I waved his concern away.
I had been young once too.


Find Me - Boyce Avenue
(Yes, I did use this song on a Mr. Serious update… but really… can you blame me for re-using it? lol)

I was lying on my bed when someone pushed the door open. Rolling over I expected to see little Natalie, or Austin, or both; it was neither. “Alex?” I said slowly, pushing myself up onto my elbows to stare at him as he closed the door behind him.
He tilted his head, watching me as his face coloured slightly. I blushed too, pushing myself into a sitting position as I remembered what had happened in this room the last time he was here.
He moved towards me and sat on the bottom of my bed, never taking his eyes away from me as we stared at each other; found.

I wanted to say something smart. Something witty, or romantic, or perfect; but I just stared at him, wondering if he was really here. “There’s something I need to tell you…” He said slowly, finally pulling his eyes away from me. “You’re not going to like it, but, I have to tell you. It’s only fair that you know what I’ve done.”
I nodded slowly as he glanced back at me; my face a mask of terror and fear.
“I killed him Jespin.” Was all he said, it was all he had to say.

I knew who he meant, but I didn’t know what he meant. Sergei had been killed in a car-crash; an accident that had occurred because of ice, not because of Alex.
Not to mention Alex had been nine or ten at the time, there was no way he could have actually had anything to do with the death of his brother.
It didn’t matter though, the explanations would come later.

I watched Alex’s head slump forward, only to be caught in his hands as his body began to shake slightly with pain and hurt.
I reached out, crawling towards him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I buried my face into his neck. “It’s ok Alex… it’s ok.” I breathed, as his pulled his hands away from his face. He laid his head down, gently, on top of mine as his arms snaked around me; hugging me to him.

I moved around until I was sitting on his lap, still clutching onto him. I tugged on him gently, bringing him back onto the bed with me; our body’s intertwining together - his gaze bearing into me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I said quietly, but firmly, once his emotions were back under control.

He shook his head slightly, his fingers tracing my face as he spoke. “You don’t know… you don’t understand. He…” He took a deep breath, forcing the word out. “… Sergei… he gave me everything and I took everything from him.”

“Alex, you were just a kid-”

“Just a spoiled, selfish kid. He told me to walk Jespin… he said that he was tired and that the roads were bad… he didn’t want to drive.
He was a wrestler, and he had a meet in the morning… he just wanted to stay home and go to sleep early, not wait up and go out to get me.” He breathed deeply, tears dropping from his eyes. “He told me to walk. The rink was only fifteen minutes away.
It wasn’t even that cold out… I just didn’t want to walk. I wanted him to come get me because… because… I don’t even know. I just… I didn’t mean for it to happen.
It wasn’t suppose to happen Jespin, it was only a short drive.”

“Alex, it’s not-”

“And you know what? You know what I did when he didn’t come? I got mad and I cursed him… I started walking home and I said when I got home I was gonna yell at him for not coming to get me. I was gonna tell him that I hated him.
I had it all planned out in my head… and then I saw it. I saw the car. I saw the ambulance and the police… the fire trucks.
And then I knew. I didn’t need to see him to know he was dead… I just knew.” I shook my head slowly as he fought to draw a break, trying to find some way to talk him down. “I just knew he was dead… just like I knew it was my fault.”

“Alex, things happen, ok? Bad things happen to good people, and I know that that doesn’t make it up to you, that doesn’t make it better… but this wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t want him to die… it was an accident and you can’t keep blaming yourself for something that you didn’t do…” I said, half-begging him to believe me; to believe the truth.

He shook his head, defiantly. “He wouldn’t have been out if it wasn’t for me. Jespin, Sergei was the greatest brother ever… the greatest son ever. He did everything right.
He didn’t get into trouble, he didn’t do bad things… he was always there for me, for my parents… he wouldn’t have been out that night if it wasn’t for me.
And if hadn’t of been out that night… he’d still be here.”

I shook my head, my own tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know how to convince you that this wasn’t your fault Alex… but it’s not. You’re not a bad person, you’re good… you’re so, so good and you need to see that.
You need to see that.
And you don’t know… you don’t know that he’d still be here, you can’t live your life with ’what ifs’ Alex. My dad told me that… and he’s a pretty smart guy.” I said, giving him a small smile as he nodded at me.

“I should go… I just… I needed you to know. You deserved to hear the truth and… I should just go.” He said suddenly, moving to get up. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before… well… I should have told you before we were together, so you could have had the time to change your mind.”

“Change my mind? What in god’s name are you talking about?” I asked incredulity. “Alex, this doesn’t make me think about you any differently… I don’t think you’re bad now.
I mean, this explains a bit… like… why you’re so reckless. You blame yourself and you don’t feel like your worth of anything good… but that’s not true.”

“… you don’t think I’m a monster?” He asked quietly, causing me to grimace with sadness.

“Of course I don’t think you’re a monster… I could never think that of you.” I said back just as quietly; pushing myself off the bed to stand before him. “This isn’t your burden to bear Alex, let it go. Sergei wouldn’t want to know that you’re living with all this guilt.
If you can’t, if you can’t just drop this weight; then let me help you with it. Or if it’s confirmation that you need, or forgiveness that you still need, then take mine.
Alex, I forgive you everything, and blame you nothing.”

“Promise?” He asked, the word so low it was hardly audible.

I nodded, smiling through the tears that were still cascading down my cheeks. “I swear it.”
He smiled at me then, completely; his body relaxing as if a visible restraint had been removed off of him. Nodding, he took my face in his hands.
“Is there… anything else… that you needed to tell me?” I said softly, my body tensing as I prayed that this break through might lead to another one.

He didn’t move, his eyes searching intently into mine as I waited. Alex opened his mouth to say something as his phone went off.
We both stepped back, as if we had been caught doing something inappropriate by a physical person. “Hello? No… I’m in Pittsburgh… Yah… No… oh- yah well fuck you too Greener.” He sighed, flipping his phone shut and stowing it away in his pocket. “Sorry… I should get going but… I’ll… umm… I’ll give you a shout, ok?”

I nodded, trying to hide the disappointment on my face. I was so close to thinking that I had what I needed. I was so close to believing that he was going to say those three little words. “Drive safe.” I said at last.

He nodded, grabbing for my left hand. He pulled it up and gently kissed my fingers. “Ya lyublyu tebya, Jespin…”

I snorted, rolling my eyes at his conversational use of Russian. “Goodbye Alex, I’ll talk to you soon.”

Saturday, January 16, 2010

#58 - Long Time Coming

Don’t Matter - Akon(Cover)

At times, the hate-on for me was too much to handle; the love for Masha was consistently unbearable. I couldn’t understand why I was doing this to myself; I had admitted that I was going to move on, but once again I was at my desk, unable to take my eyes off the computer screen.
It was like a horrible accident - you didn’t wanna see the blood and gore, but - you couldn’t look away.

If I had of actually sat down and listed all the reasons why Masha was better for Alex than I was, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with this many things.
Some sights said that they were back together, some said they were on a break, some said they were over. Regardless of what their relationship status was, it was blatantly obvious that the world liked her more than me.
At some point, the entire planet had decided that I was a worthless whore, and Masha was the princess of ’perfect-wonderful land’.

The funny thing was; the Pittsburgh Penguin sites were the worse; I was simply referred to as ’Traitor’ or ’The Traitor’.
And although no one was wondering why Sidney was - as far as they were concerned - ’dating’ me, they were still horrible in new ways.
I might not have lived up to the physical expectations of what an NHL player’s girlfriend should look like, but now that I was being pictured with Sidney; it didn’t matter. I was Mario Lemieux’s daughter, so now, I was at least good enough.

I sighed as I finally closed my laptop, spinning around in the computer chair and pushing myself onto my feet. I headed towards my door, pulling it open and coming up short; almost bumping into my dad. “Oh hey! Sorry… heading out?”

“Umm… no. Why?” I asked slowly, wondering why he was up here. Dad was suppose to be spending a lot of time this week with some of the scouts, figuring out who was going to be getting called up or re-evaluated before training camp.

“Could we talk for a second?” I nodded slowly as I moved aside, allowing him to enter my room. He walked in, taking the seat that I had just evacuated.

“So… what’s up?” I bit my lip as I glanced down, noticing for the first time that he had a magazine rolled up under his arm. I flopped down onto my bed, sitting on the edge and waiting.

He exhaled slowly and cleared his throat as I he pulled the magazine out, spreading it flat on his lap. He glanced at the cover and shook his head before opening it and flipping through some pages. “Jespin.” He started, sounded very severe and grave.
I shifted as his gaze moved to me, causing me to feel very much like a child again. “How much have you been reading about yourself?”

I furrowed my brow, slightly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I guess a better question is… how much are you listening to?” I shook my head slowly, still not following. “You’re not a traitor, Jespin. You’re not a bad person, you’re not worthless and you’re not, well, you’re not every other thing they’ve said.”
I wanted to nod in agreement, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I just looked down; adverting my eyes.
“Jespin…” Dad sighed, getting up and coming to sit beside me on my bed. “These people don’t know you. The things that they say are-”

“Please don’t. I know that they don’t know me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with…”

“Well, who matters to you more, me or them?” He asked seriously, holding the magazine up in front of him.


“Then why do you believe this…?” He asked, flashing the headline ‘Ovechkin’s Downfall’, at me as he did so. “… instead of me? Jespin, I can’t imagine how hard this is on you. They said awful things about your mother when she married me too, of course, it wasn’t quiet so widespread or severe, but… you’re not the first person to deal with this.
They’re saying that you’re the reason the Capitals lost the Stanley cup, now, I know that Alex is a big part of that team; but do you really think you’re choices are monumental enough, that they can take down an entire organization?”

“No, but I did have a part in it. Alex is the whole team and it was my fault that he played so horribly…” I said, closing my eyes as the images of that night came back to me.

“So… if it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then by the same logic, it’s thanks to you that the Penguins won…” He concluded, giving me a fatherly smile.

“… no, that doesn’t make any sense. The Pens won because they’re a great team and they played their hearts out.” I said incredulity, surprised he would even joke about that.

He nodded slowly as his grin grew. “You’re running yourself down Jespin. You believe every single bad thing that these people say, but believe none of the good.
If you think it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then it’s thanks to you we won. If you don’t believe you had a hand in the victory… then how can you say you had a hand in the defeat?” I sighed loudly, looking away from him as I thought about everything he was saying.
“Jessie… I love you, but you don’t have that kind of sway over an entire hockey team… the things that happened, happened because of a lot of things - not because of one person.”

“Ok… so it’s not my fault they lost, happy?” I asked at length. He snorted in response.

“I didn’t come in here to just talk about hockey. I came here because I’m your father and I love you… and it is with the utmost love and respect that I tell you… you’re being a complete idiot.”

There was a moment of silence as my head snapped back up and I stared at my dad. He didn’t look angry or disappointed, but he also didn’t look like he was joking. “Umm… what?”

“I’m sorry if I just don’t follow, and I said I was going to stay out of this but… I’ve been watching you the past little bit and I just can’t continue on this path.
You left Alex, so I assumed that was over… even if you were still hurting from it, I assumed things would get better.
Then you started seeing Sidney and even though I wasn’t sure it would work out, I at least thought that you were trying to be happy.
And then I realized that you weren’t trying to be happy, you were trying to make everyone else happy.
I watched you throw away the boy you loved, because other people didn’t believe you deserved him, because you didn’t believe that you deserved him. Then you went into a relationship because you thought it was what people wanted you to do. You need to cut this shit out.” He finished, leaving my mouth gaping. “You can’t live the rest of your life according to what other people want Jespin, that’s not how you have a happy life.
As horrible as it might sound, you need to look out for yourself first. Even more than that Jes… you‘re not getting better, every day you get worse.”

“It’s not that easy dad-”

“What do you want? Forget about everyone else and answer honestly… between you and me… what do you want?”

I tilted my head back and glanced at the ceiling as I slowly drew in a breath. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to stop the tears from the falling. “Him.” I answered finally, through the lump of emotion that was thick in my throat. “I want to be with him.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

“He’s done with me dad…” I sobbed as he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to them. “It doesn’t matter what I want because I already screwed everything up so much…”

“You don’t know that Jes… why don’t you call him?”

“What about everything that would happen if it did work out? We just went through a press conference to try and push everything under the rug… I can’t do that again.”

“Jespin, the media is my specialty, you leave that to me. I need you to look after yourself first.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I nodded slowly. “I don’t even know what he’s doing dad.” I said, bringing the conversation back to Alex. “For all I know, he’s not even thinking about me anymore.”


God Loves Her - Toby Keith

I couldn’t get her out of my mind. As I drove towards her house, it was all I could do to try and stay below 100mph; the last thing I needed was to get pulled over. I banged my hands on the wheel as I drove through streets that were only slightly familiar.
I glanced over into the passenger seat, at the directions that Keisha had given me over the phone. Sighing, I realized I was getting closer.
I was torn. I wanted to see her so badly, tell her the truth about me, about my past, and my feelings for her; but I was also afraid. I wasn’t sure how she would react.
I knew that it shouldn’t matter, this should be easy. We weren’t together so her reaction shouldn’t effect me; but it did, and it would.

As I pulled up in her driveway and pulled the car into park; a sudden idea came over me. What would her family do?
I had never met her mother, or her siblings. I was coming her uninvited; uninvited into the home that Sidney Crosby lives in. I was out of my fucking mind.
Taking a deep breath I pushed open the door, there was nothing else to do now but go in.

I headed up the walkway, praying that she would be the only one home, or - at the very least - that she would be the one to answer the door.
I knocked timidly, but loudly, and only had to wait a few seconds before I heard someone jogging down the stairs.
Taking another deep breath, I willed myself to stand tall and show no fear; not even if Crosby opened the door.

When the door latch clicked and the door was pulled open, I gazed into the empty room. Completely confused I looked down, to see a small girl standing in front of me. “Umm… is Jespin here?”

She continued to stare at me, her head tilted completely backwards as she watched me; her blond pigtails falling down behind her. “Who’s there Natalie?” A man yelled from somewhere in the house.

“I didn’t get it! I thought you were getting it!” A woman’s voice answered back, as the tiny blond girl continued to watch me.

“Not you Nat! Little Natalie… when do I ever call you Natalie?” I suppressed a snort, shaking my head as I listened to Jespin’s parents banter back and forth.

“Well are you gonna get it?” The woman finally called out, and I heard Mario let out a groan, his feet soon thumping down the stairs.

“I was up on the second floor! You’re ten feet away!” He complained loudly, “… lazy old-” He began to say, coming to a halt once he made eye contact with me. I opened my mouth to say something, but shut it quickly.
Mario came forward, gently shooing the little girl away. “Go find Austin.” He said, nodding at her to take off.
She dashed away, giggling as he turned his attention back to me. “Sergei’s been busy with the baby and whatnot so… my wife’s been baby-sitting his oldest.” He explained. “Well, if you call that babysitting…” He laughed as I woman came around the corner; smelling strongly of nail-polish and fanning her hands out in front of her.
“Well.” He said finally, motioning for me to come in. “What took you so long?”

Friday, January 15, 2010

#57 - New Opinions

Separated - Usher

“How are you getting along?” Mario asked as he came up behind me. I shrugged my shoulders, gripping the bike handles tightly as I forced my legs to move faster. “Sidney… torturing yourself isn’t going to solve anything. You hate the bike…”
He sighed when I didn’t answer him, moving until he was standing in front of me. I reluctantly slowed down to a more manageable pace, glancing up at him. “Let’s go for a walk.”

I exhaled loudly, gradually slow down to a stop before I said anything. “Why?” I asked quickly as I shoved myself off the small black seat, grabbing for a towel.

“Because you need to get out of the house… let’s go play pool.”

“There’s a pool table in the rec hall… and one in the kid’s room. Why don’t we just stay here?” I grumbled, following him out of the home gym.

He snorted, turning around and shooting me a mischievous grin. “Because I said so… and I’m older, smarter, and much more talented than you… not to mention better looking…” He answered, causing me to shake my head as I headed for my room, planning on hopping in the shower.

We played two games of pool before he started to talk to me; or at me rather. As much as I hated listening to Mario when it came to personal things, he was always right, so it would be a waste of my time to ignore him.
It just sucked being around someone who was so sure of everything, someone who had it all figured out and pulled together; I told him that too. “Sidney…” He laughed, shaking his head as he started racking the balls. “I do not have everything figured out and I hardly have my life pulled together. I just know more things about relationships than you… I have been with Nat since before you were born; I managed to pick up a few things over time.”

I nodded, grudgingly, wondering what ‘things’ he was going to share with me. “So… what do you need to tell me, oh wise one?” I quipped, lining up a shot.

He sighed, leaning on the pool cue. “I know it’s cliché, but relationships are something you need to work at Sidney, if you want them to work that is. Nat and I have had our share of problems… if neither one of us wanted to be here whole-heartedly, do you really think we’d still be together?” He asked, staring at me hard as I finally glance up at him. “If you and Jespin got together, then yes… you’d be happy, for now. But I know my daughter Sidney, she’s a steady kind of girl, she doesn’t change her mind easily, if ever.
Unfortunately she got that from me; and I apologise for that… but there’s not a whole lot I can do about it now.”

I knew there was no point arguing with him. He was right, and it wasn’t like changing his mind would change the truth; but I couldn’t help it. “I would have made her happy Mario, I could have, but she never really gave me a chance.”

“Exactly Sidney, that’s what I’m trying to say. She won’t ever give you a chance because of the fact that she doesn’t chance her mind. She wants him.
And even if she never has him again, she’s always going to have those feelings. Of course I’m going to speak highly of my daughter, but I think she’s doing the right thing here. It’s not fair to either one of you to continue in a relationship like this… think about it.
Maybe it’d last for a little while but at some point - one, five, ten years down the road - it’d fall apart, and you’d both be worse off. You can’t pull a relationships out of ’could haves’ and ’what ifs’, it doesn’t work like that.

We continued our game in silence. I could tell that he had more he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to push me. “It still doesn’t seem fair.” I said at length. “I end up alone, she ends up alone and he just goes on with his life… unaffected.” I complained, glancing up at Mario.

He shook his head slowly, the glimmer of a secret in his eyes. “I wouldn’t say that he’s unaffected Sidney. You can’t know that… for all we know, he’s going through the same thing she is.
Jespin, for some reason, has a hard time believing that she deserves certain things. Even though she had what she wanted, she just can’t seem to accept that someone could want to be with her - someone that she wants to be with.” He added quickly at the end, catching sight of the look on my face. “She’s always had that masochistic side to her…” He added softly, staring off into space.

I had no idea what he was thinking about, but I was sure I didn’t want to know. I especially didn’t want to feel bad for Ovechkin. The thought of him sitting all high and mighty somewhere in Russia fitted in nicely with my ’blame Ovechkin for everything’ mindset. I wouldn’t want to consider him a victim.
Even if Jespin ended things with him, I was positive that he was unaffected, regardless of what Mario thought he knew.

If anyone knew how self-serving he was, it was me. I was the one that had been compared to him since World Juniors. I was the one that had to watch him sweep the awards shows and push me out of the leader board.
It wasn’t that I thought I deserved to be at the top; after all, when Geno did better than me, I didn’t think ill thoughts of him. Same with Thornton and all the other great players in the league.
It was Ovechkin, and the fact that he didn’t seem to give a shit about anything. He played with reckless abandonment - like he was untouchable - not giving a shit about who he hurt or who he had to push out of his way; this time he‘d gone to far though. He took his style out of the game, and put it to work in the real-world; resulting in the situation we were in now. Some how, I was gonna find a way to pay him back for what he’d done to Jes - for being such a dirt bag.

I could still remember his hit on Gonch in the play offs; I didn’t care what anyone said, it was dirty, just like him. It was no less than what I would ever expect though.
No, Mario might fully believe that he was suffering too, but I wasn’t going to fall for it. Maybe he had tricked Jes into thinking he was a good person; but he had allowed her to walk away, knowing that she wanted him.

I knew what I would do in his position; I knew what I would do if Jespin loved me and she was planning on leaving.
I’d follow her for as long as I had to, in order to make her understand.
No, I’d believe Ovechkin wasn’t a conceited, selfish bastard, if he ever got off his high hoarse and came for her; until then, I was the only one with my head on straight.


Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur

I watched Sidney leaving out the front walk with my dad, neither of them talking as they climbed into Dad’s SUV; heading off for god knows where. I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I had done the right thing.
I would never be fully healed, but I was healing, even I couldn’t deny that. I might never ever recover completely, but at this point, wasn’t anything better than this?

Not only had I pushed Alex away, but now I had done the same thing to Sidney; the only difference was that now Sidney was in the same position as me. I had broken his heart the exact same way that my heart was breaking. “WHERE IS SHE!?” I heard someone scream from down below me as the front door flew open, pulling me out of my thoughts. I sighed as I heard Lauren run up the stairs, turning around, just as she busted through my door.
I walked across the room and flipped my laptop shut, the last thing I needed right now was for Lauren to see what people on the net were saying about me. She took a giant gasp of air before shouting; “Ovechkin?! Alex I-look-like-I-should-be-riding-a-fucking-brontosaurus Ovechkin?!”
I stood completely still, raising my eyebrows slightly as she glared at me. “ALEX OVECHKIN?! What are you thinking?! Have you lost your mind… well, clearly you have but… what the fuck happened?! Car accident? Fall down an elevator shaft?”

“Have fun in Fiji then?” I asked nonchalantly. When she didn’t responded I started trying to answer her questions. “Lauren, listen-”

“Oh yes… yes. Please do explain this to me because right now I’m at a complete loss as to when my sister became a complete RETARD! What the hell Jespin!?”

“Lauren… I love him.” I sighed as she snorted.

She flopped down on my bed, shaking her head as I moved to sit next to her. “I can’t believe you would do this to us Jes. To mom, dad, Sidney… me! Do you have any idea all the things that people are saying about us now? They’re laughing at us… and it’s your fault.”

“I thought you’d be happy.” I snapped, pushing myself away from her. “Just makes one less person trying to get Sidney, and seeing as how he didn’t notice you were alive even when I was gone…” I trailed off shrugging as she visible winced.

“Yah well… at least I’m not selfish enough to sell my own family out.” She spat back, getting up and moving across the room haughtily. We glared at each other for a moment before she reached for the handle.
I heard the door open and I moved over to the wall, glancing out the window. “Dad spent his whole life trying to get to where he is today… and you threw everything he ever did into the shitter. You say you did it because you’re so in love with Alex? If you’re so fucking in love with him then why aren’t you still with him?”

“Well, that could have been a lot worse… really…” Keisha said after I relayed my conversation with Lauren to her. “I’m serious!” She added when I stared at her incredulity. “Look, you said yourself that she’s kind of crazy uppity, and on top of that she’s in love with Sidney. The same Sidney that doesn’t pay attention to her because he’s lookin’ at you. I mean, think about it… she’d die to be in your position and as far as she’s concerned, you’re wasting an opportunity.”
I shifted uncomfortably as Keisha continued to flip through the TV channels. “She has a point though…” She added after a moment.

“What?” I asked, wondering if she was actually serious.

“If you love him so much… why aren’t you still with him?” She said slowly, causing me to turn and stare at her. She shrugged her shoulders, waiting for an answer.
There were a million things running through my head; headlines, forum names, hate clubs… I just rolled my eyes and climbed off my bed, returning a minute later with my laptop.

“Look…” I said slowly, clicking through a few pages before finding the one I’d been on before. “My dad said, that a lot of what people were saying, was probably just because they didn’t want to see Alex with a girlfriend. Does it look like these people care?” I asked, sliding the laptop over to her.
She took it and started reading,, only going a few lines down before stopping.

“Jes, these people are idiots, they don’t know anything about you… or her. You know what that Masha bitch is like. These are just crazy Russian fans that think as long as Alex is dating a Russian, that’s all that matters.
If people really knew… if they knew how you felt about him and how he felt about you; they’d want you to be with him.” She sighed, flipping the laptop shut again; the hateful words disappearing.

It had been a site, set up in support of anyone but me. They were saying how much better Masha was for Alex, then I could ever be; I was just some skanky American trust fund kid. How could I ever deserve the Russian ’king of hockey’. No, he was much better off with a Russian woman, someone that understood his culture… someone that wanted all the attention and drama that went with dating an NHL player. "Right, how he feels about me..."

"We've been through this too Jespin! You love him and he loves you! He's just one of those stupid guys that doesn't have the balls to say it. I've seen the way he looks at you Jes.
I've seen how his face lights up everytime you come around... that means something... it really, really does.
I would give anything to have a boy look at me, the way he looks at you."

I gave her a small grin, flopping back down onto my bed. Everything Keisha was saying, seemed logical and true; but there was no denying the hate-on everyone seemed to have for me. The hockey world was better off without my interference, and that included Alex.