#50 - Unbeautiful

Unbeautiful - Lesley Roy


I was numb as I walked beside Alex through the airport. The last couple of days had passed by in an indefinable haze; like my brain was moving in slow motion.
I had thought a lot about everything since the night I had found out what the world thought about me.

It was such a strange thing, knowing that I wasn’t the person I thought I was; at least not on the outside. My physical appearance had never been that big of a deal before; I wasn’t totally satisfied with how I looked, but I definitely wasn’t ashamed of at. At least I hadn’t been until now.

Alex had spent the whole time trying to reassure me that no matter what anyone said, it wouldn’t change how he felt, but I couldn’t believe him. I couldn’t bring myself to trust what he said.
He was trying to protect me, he wasn’t going to come out and tell me that I was ugly; that he deserved better.

“Jespin please, don’t do anything rash ok?” He whispered as he walked me through the terminal gate.
I nodded mutely, causing him to groan. “Baby please? You’ve hardly said anything in two days… say something!”

“Something.” I sighed, turning around to face him. He looked down at me, giving me a weak smile.

“I wanna be with you Jes. You. Don’t get home and forget that, ok?”

“I won’t forget.” I agreed, allowing him to pull me into a tight hug.

I clutched onto him harder and longer than I normally would have; I had made up my mind. This would be the last time I saw Alex, at least in this way - the next time we came face-to-face, he wouldn’t belong to me anymore.
He could feel it too, he shot me a pleading glance as I was ushered through towards the plane.

I allowed one last look back at him as I walked away. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and he was staring back at me with a fierce intensity in his eyes; he knew.


I was an idiot, a fool for believing we were unbreakable. I truly believed that no matter what happened, nothing would ever be able to tear us apart, but I had been wrong.
It was ridiculous to believe that love could conquer anything, a fairy tale, an unrealistic dream.

There were lots of things that I could tell myself to make me feel better; ’if you love something let it go’, ’all good things must come to an end’, ’it is better to have loved and lost’…
None of it mattered. None of it could take away the aching that I felt inside of me.

I kept reminding myself that this was going to be better for everyone. Alex would move on and maybe this time he would find a nice girl; someone that loved him and would be better suited for his world.
I would go back home and try to forget about the horrible things people said, even if it was fruitless; I would still try.
I liked to believe that I was being selfless, but I knew better, I was being totally self-centred.
Sure, I was backing away so that Alex could move on to something greater than me; but I was also running away from the hurt.
I viewed the last week in Russia as one last, wonderful, memory. Like the giant party that follows graduation; something to remind you of all the reasons you missed it - but something that told you it was time to move on.


When I got home, I told dad not to worry about the press conference; that Alex and I had decided it was better if we just ended it now, before it got out of hand.
He just nodded, giving me a small smile; but I could tell he didn’t believe me, just like Alex he knew the truth.


“Can I come in?” I looked around to see Sidney walking towards me, smiling timidly.

I nodded, rolling over onto my back. “Looks like you’re already in.” I chuckled quietly as he crawled onto my bed beside me.

We stared at each other, not speaking for a long time. It was almost humours, just how much had changed between us in the past year. “I slept here you know… after you left, every now and then.” He laughed quietly, looking away from me.

“You use to sleep in my bed? Why?”

He shrugged, glancing back at me. “I missed you I guess. It made me feel like you were close… like you were with me…”

“Sidney…” I sighed, wondering what I could possibly say to stop this conversation.

“I know.” He said quickly, before I had a chance to speak. “I know that you don’t want to do this right now… maybe you don’t want to do this ever but… I just thought it was only fair to let you know that I’m still not giving up.
Mario thinks that you left Ovechkin because of what was being written about you, and I know people would write stuff if you were with me… but it’d be different.”

“It’d be worse.” I said simply, not even wanting to imagine what people would say if Sidney Crosby ever had a girlfriend.

“No, it wouldn’t. People expect different things from me Jes. Ovechkin is suppose to lead the rock-star lifestyle; fast cars, expensive clothes, lots of women… It wouldn’t be like that with me.
People don’t want to see Sid the Kid out drinking and hooking up with models, they wouldn’t hate on you for being with me. At least not in the same way that they’d hate on you for being with him.” I sighed softly, feeling emotion lump in my throat. I rolled over onto my side, away from Sid.

“I really can’t do this right now Sidney…”

“I know… just… keep it in the back of your mind ok.” I nodded as I felt the bed shift beside me, and Sidney’s weight disappear from it.
I listened as he gently shut the door behind him, leaving me alone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls(Cover)


“Just tell me what you need?” I said softly, listening to Jespin breathing on the other side of the line.

“I don’t think I can do this…” She said slowly, pain evident in her voice as she exhaled deeply.

I nodded to myself, not expecting any less. I had given her, her space after she left; hoping that maybe if she calmed down she’d realize that I really didn’t care what people said about her - I was wrong.
I could tell that this was the end, and that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind, or chase after her.
This was her choice. She had seen how cruel people can be and she wasn’t ready to deal with it; it wasn’t like I expected her to put up with their shit - it just hurt that she believed them over me.

I thought about saying it now, telling her that I loved her and that this would end me. All I wanted to do was to be worth her, but I was afraid if I told her I loved her, she’d hate me for it - think that I was only saying it to make her stay. I could take a different route, tell her she was right... it was better this way.
If she asked why though, it would mean coming clean about the real reason behind Sergei’s accident, revealing my true colours to her.

“I’m sorry that they hurt you Jespin.” I said finally, after waiting to make sure that I could trust my voice. I was positive that I wasn’t fooling her, there was no mistaking the emotion that was burning through every word I spoke. “I’m sorry that it ended like this.”

On those words I could hear a sob escape her, confirming to me that I was doing the right thing. Right now it was just some people sitting at home saying bad things, and it was getting to her; if we carried this out then eventually it would filter up to the mass media - that would be a million times worse.

I could feel my resolve slipping as her sniffles became louder and I fought with myself to get off the phone. “I’ll see you later Jes…” I had so many things that I wanted to tell her, so many things that I needed to say to her but there was no point now. Every confession I made would only hurt her more, and that was the very thing that I was trying to prevent.
I said the only thing that I could think of, the only thing that made sense. “No matter what happens… tee ma-ya sud'-ba.”


My dad and I watched from the living room as the Penguins came back in game six. It was hard to watch, even when dad assured me that it would be my turn next year.
I kept hoping that the camera would show Mario’s box, begging internally that I would get just the slightest glimpse of Jespin. When they finally did show it, I couldn’t help but feel stupid - of course Jespin wouldn’t be there.
Mario wasn’t about to parade her around and risk someone recognizing her as the same girl that I had been with only a week before.

And had it really only been a week since I let her walk away? I nodded to myself, it was painful when I realized just how slowly time had been moving. Without hockey and Jespin, I was running out of reasons to get up in the morning.

It hurt even more to know that I could have given her everything she wanted. That I could have spent all my time with her and loved her everyday of my life. Even if she didn’t want to be with me anymore, for whatever reason, she was always on my mind; and I knew I’d never get her out of my head.
I didn’t want her to go, and I still couldn’t believe that I had given her up.

Every time I wanted to call her, or hop on a flight and go find her, I remembered the last time that I saw her; the last day she was here.
The more I tell her I cared about her, the more pain she was in; her smile began to dim every time I came around.