#55 - Hollow

I’m Sorry - Buckcherry


I looked at Sidney as he stood in front of me. He wanted me to go home with him for the summer, be his girlfriend, and come out to the public; but everything he wanted was wrong.

I stared at him as he waited for me, patiently, like always. I shook my head, I had no right to do this to him. I wanted to say everything to him, find some way to make this up to him; make it better.
I wanted to look at him and have my heart race, feel myself falling in love with him; the way I should have been.

I had nothing to say though, nothing that he didn’t already know; so I said it anyway. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry about everything that I ever said to you or did to you Sidney. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that you’ve wasted so much time on me…”
I dropped my head, resting it in my hands as I tried to decide what I needed to do. “We can’t do this Sidney… I can’t do this.”

“We’re not doing anything Jes! We’re not together, I know that… if you don’t want to be with me yet then just say it and I’ll give it a rest.”

“No Sidney… I can’t do this. I can’t just keep you dangling in my life, it’s the most selfish thing that I’ve ever done.”

He fell down onto his knees in front of me, pulling my hands into his. “You’re not dangling me Jes… I want to be here. I love you and there’s no where else I want to be.”

I took a deep breath, trying to suck the tears back down before they fell. “But I don’t love you.”

“Not now…”

“What if I don’t ever love you? Ever?”

He looked away from me, sighing deeply. “I don’t know Jes… I just think you can’t possible know that right now. You’re still hurting over someone else so of course you don’t feel like you’ll ever love again-” I shook my head, he just didn’t understand, and there was no way I could make him see. “Ok look Jespin, I’m going home for a few weeks, maybe some time apart will make you see that you need me.”

“I do need you Sidney… just not like that.” He shrugged his shoulders, like it didn’t matter in the least.

“I’ll see you when I get back.” He stood up, kissing the top of my head before he turned around and headed out the door.

I flopped back down on my bed, cursing myself for being so destructive. I found it ironic that when I was really fucking with Sidney’s life, people loved me. As long as I wasn’t pictured with Ovechkin ever again, I could do no wrong; it didn’t make any sense, Sidney was better off when I was in Russia. “Hey girlie…” Keisha said softly as she moved into my room, laying down beside me. “He gone?”

I nodded my head, glancing over at her. “I don’t know what to do about him…”

She sighed, looking away from me to stare at the ceiling. “Well, he’ll find someone else you know, if you don’t end up with him. I just… I don’t want to see you settle, not that Sidney Crosby is really settling… ass like that… but, you know what I mean.” She chuckled as I let out an airy laugh.

“I can’t go back to Alex though…”

“I don’t know. He’s back with that girl so… who knows but, I think he loves you… even if he didn’t say it. You just need to figure out whether or not Alex is the one for you, then you‘ll know what to do.”

“And how do I do that?” I asked sceptically.

She rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows so that she could look at me. ”Well how did you feel when you saw him at the awards?”

I bit my lip, bringing up the memories in my mind. “Happy I guess, I was glad to see him. Sad to think that he’s back with that girl… jealous… that he wasn’t mine and that I couldn’t leave with him. Empty when he was gone.”

“And how do you feel now that he’s gone back to Russia?”

“Hollow.” I answered honestly, the word coming easily to me. I clutched my arms around me as I spoke it, involuntarily trying to cover the hole in my chest. “Hollow like there are pieces of me missing.”

“When Sidney’s around, do you feel whole again?”

I shook my head. “No, but it feels like I have someone else to help me try and cover the hole. The same way I feel when I’m with you. Just to have a friend, someone I trust.”

She nodded, thinking over my words. “Well then, I think you need to go after Alex. If you don’t think that hole can be filled by anyone else…”

“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?” I asked sadly, wondering what Alex was doing now.

“I don’t think it’s ever too late…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Hollow - Godsmack


I sat by myself, cap pulled low over my face as I waited for Masha to hurry up. She’d been trying on clothing all day and I couldn’t wait to get home; I was exhausted.
It took more energy to put up a fake front then it did to win hockey games. Even with my best attempts at hiding how I felt, I could tell the people closest to me could still tell.

I was a hollow man, there was nothing left on the inside, at least it was less painful this way. No matter how hollow I was though, I still couldn’t forget about her.

I went through the motions with Masha, but that’s all it was gesture after meaningless gesture. We spent time together, had sex, slept in the same bed, ate at the same table; but there was noting behind it.
She didn’t seem to care, but we had an understanding. I didn’t want to be alone; look pathetic and forlorn in front of the world and she wanted a rich boyfriend.
It was a compromise that we could both live with; me, because I didn’t really have any other choice.



“I’m going out tonight… are you coming?” Masha asked as she came down the stairs.
I was laid out on the couch, my eyes focused on the TV as I flicked through the channels.

“No.”

She huffed, pulling on a pair of stilettos. “Fine then, do you have cash on you?”

I reached for my pocket, tugging my wallet out and chucking it at her; never looking away from the TV.

I listened until I heard the door close behind her, before I reached for the phone. It was a really bad thing to do, for all I knew Jespin and Sidney were all lovey-dovey, but I still had to check.

The phone rang three times before she answered it. “Alex?”

“Yah! Hey! … how’d you know?”

“Not too many people calling my house from Russia right now… especially not with the caller ID Ovechkin.” She giggled.

“True. Are you busy? Do you need me to let you go?”

“No! No, no… I’m not doing anything… how are you?” She asked, sounding genuinely interested.

I grinned as I laid back down on the couch. “Good… alright. Not really doing a whole lot… playing some pick up games of hockey down at the arena.”

She snorted. “I shouldn’t even be surprised… how are your parents?”

“Good. They’re doing good, my mom asks about you a lot, they both really miss you…” I really miss you.

It was amazing just how hearing her voice could change me, change my mood and my entire outlook. She sounded happy too; I liked to think that that was because of me, but I couldn’t be sure.
Just because I was devastated, didn’t mean she was too.

We stayed on the phone for hours, either way. Both of us chatting non-stop about our families and what else was going on in our lives; minus the relationship part.
“I guess I should probably let you go…” I said slowly as I looked at the clock and realized what time it was.

“Yah…” She said, yawning. “It’s pretty early, “I should probably get some sleep… it was really great hearing from you Alex, it’s been too long.”

“I know, I’m sorry… I should have called but, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me or… well, you know. Are things going good for you and Sidney?” I asked quickly, wondering if I would rather not know.

She sighed slowly. “We’re still not together. He wants to be but…” She sighed again, and we sat in silence for a few minutes before she started again. “He’s just not the one for me, and, I don’t know what to do about it.”

“You’re still not together?” I asked, trying to hide to relief in my voice. “Why? People saying stuff about you again?”

“No, oh no. Well, they were but, apparently it wasn’t as big of a deal… I just can’t lead him on anymore, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been too selfish with him for far too long.”

“You’re not selfish Jespin.” I said slowly, glancing up as I heard the front door open and Masha came in.
I was the one in a dead-end relationship, all because I didn’t want to be alone; Jespin was stronger than I was in that sense.

Masha didn’t say anything to me as I got off the phone. She headed up the stairs and I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway. Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and headed up the stairs too; exhausted but happy.
I smiled to myself as I headed down the small hallway, feeling just slightly less hollow.