#47 - Goodbye/Hello

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley(Cover)


I sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by bags of clothing and other crap that I was taking back to Russia with me.
My team-mates had left long ago, all finally giving up on me and heading back to their respective homes. It wasn’t that I wanted to push them away, it was simply that I didn’t give a shit anymore. About anything.
Well, that wasn’t true; there was one thing, but she didn’t give a shit about me.

And there it was, I had done it again. It’s was like telling yourself not to think about the colour red; you can‘t help but see red. I fought my hardest to keep Jespin out of my mind, but everything kept coming back to her.
My house wasn’t safe, Washington wasn’t safe, hockey wasn’t safe. Russia wasn’t safe either - not with all the memories of Sergei - but at this point, those memories were almost preferable.

A knock at my front door forced me onto my feet; compelling me to do something other then wallow in self-pity; at least for a few minutes.
I pulled it open, fully expecting to see Greener, but it wasn’t. It was the only person and the last person I wanted to see. Her.

“You’re going to Russia?” She asked, her voice stabbing through me like a rusty blade, twisting into an already fatal wound. I nodded, looking away from her. “And there’s nothing I can do to stop you?” I shook my head, wondering when the gloating was going to start. “When do you leave?”

“Tonight.” I said, my voice raw. “I leave tonight.”

“Don’t.” She sighed, her perfect lips falling into a frown as her thick lashes attempted to bat away the tears that were now pooling in her lids. “Don’t go.”

I wasn’t consciously aware that I was moving until I was clutching her against my chest; my lips fighting for dominance as I kicked the door shut behind her.
Whether it was the words she spoke or my body acting under direction of my heart and no my mind; I didn’t stop.

I pulled her further into my house; the gaping whole in my chest sated for the time being.
Her arms wound around me and I clutched at her desperately; like a drowning man to a lifeboat. We dropped down onto the floor, a jumbled mass of twisted limbs and tears.

I pulled off her clothes before I could even comprehend what she had been wearing, throwing my own off before I moved back down on top of her.
She didn’t say a word as I frantically made love to her on the hardwood floor; all my important belongings creating the walls of the dream like world in which she clung to me.

It wasn’t out of need or revenge. It wasn’t out of vengeance or retribution. The only explanation I had was love. I loved her so much that this, this love was the only thing I could comprehend.
It didn’t matter how bad the repercussions would be, or how much it was going to hurt when she went back to the man that she loved; for these few minutes she was mine.
For these few minutes we were the only two people in the world and she loved me, just as wholly as I loved her.


I wasn’t sure why she was letting me pretend like this, for so long. She must feel that bad for me… I decided as I watched her sleeping on my bed, wrapped up in my comforter like she always use to do.
I glanced at the clock, knowing that I was going to have to leave soon. I sighed, rolling away from her as I sat up; moving towards my closet.
I pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, never taking my eyes away from her sleeping form; not even when my phone vibrated on the bedside table. “Yah?”

“You ready man? I’m out front.”

“Sure Feds, I’ll be down in a second.” I said, flipping my phone shut as I stowed it away in my pocket.

Knowing that Feds was waiting for my downstairs, brought me back down to reality faster than anything else. I listened as I heard the front door open and he began to pull my crap out to his car.
They wanted me gone just as badly as I wanted to go. It wasn’t that they hated me, or they didn’t understand what I was going through; but they were worried, that was what they all kept saying.
They were worried about me and wanted to make sure that I got away for a while; took some time off and relaxed.

I shook my head as I walked back towards the bed, leaning over to gently tuck a strand of hair behind Jespin’s ears. There would be no relaxation when I got home; just distance and safety. I would still feel the pain and the burn; both of which were already beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach as I glanced down at her.

It shouldn’t be this hard to walk away, not from someone who doesn’t want you. It hurt now, to look at her and wonder where Crosby had put his hands, possibly hours before me.
It would have been easier to never know her; to have ignored her and continued on my merry way through life never knowing that love like this actually existed; but there was no going back now.

I kissed her on the forehead, sighing as I pulled myself away. It was all I could do to sneak out; I couldn’t face her. With a deep breath I turned around and headed towards the door. I stopped on the threshold, allowing myself one last look at the person I was leaving my heart with. “Goodbye Jespin.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Slow Goodbye - Leslie Roy


I rolled over; sad, but not surprised to find the bed empty beside me. I glanced up at the clock and realized how late it was.
My first thoughts were of Alex, and where he’d be by this time; wondering whether or not he still felt anything for me at all. It was easy to pretend that the answer was yes. The way he had held me and kissed me made me almost believe that he had forgiven me; but he was still gone, and I was still alone.

I was sure that going to Alex’s house and having sex with him wasn’t exactly what my dad had in mind when he’d told me to go and be happy; but Alex hadn’t thrown me out, that had to count for something.
Of course he hadn’t said a single thing to me. I took that at face value, wondering if it was because he had nothing to say, or he just didn't know where to start.

I could keep chasing him, and I probably would; but at some point I was going to have to realize that I couldn’t make him love me if he didn’t. And he didn’t.


I sat in the airport, wondering how this was going to go. I had called dad before I bought the ticket, telling him what I was planning to do; he had remained calm and collected through out our conversation. He asked only that I call him when I arrived, and that I stay safe.
I sighed as I pulled my legs up underneath me, shifting in the uncomfortable airport chair as I watched the men loading luggage on the runway. I smiled to myself as I looked down at the ticket in my hands. This is without a doubt the craziest thing I’ve ever done… I shook my head, reaching for my phone.

“Keisha here! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the phone… leave a message and I’ll call you back if I feel like talking to you!” I rolled my eyes at her voice mail as I waited for the beep.

“Hey Keisha… it’s Jes. I was just calling to let you know that I’m sitting in the airport… going to Russia, apparently. Umm… I don’t know how long I’ll be but, I’ll give you a call later on.” I sighed, hanging up and stowing my phone back into the pocket of my pullover.
I had gone through the conversation last night with Keisha; running over the pros and cons of me going to find Alex.
I had his address from Semi, so it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be able to find him; my biggest problem was going to be the fact that I didn’t speak any Russian.
Well, that and I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to see me.

Some people might say that I was out of my mind, there was no reason for me to be doing this to myself, or to him. But I needed to know without a doubt that it was over.
I had no idea what Alex was thinking. After talking to Mike I knew that he was still under the impression that I was using him to get Sidney jealous; I was determined to find a way to show him the truth.

I owed him a million apologies, but I was completely ready to give each one, as long as I could get him to talk to me this time.


It wasn’t until we were touching down in Moscow that I realized I was out of my fucking mind. Moscow? Moscow!? What kind of crazy person follows a guy to Russia? No not just a guy… a guy that hates me!
For the first time in my life I had no idea what to do. Do I just turn around and go back now - am I actually in Russia? How did they even let me get on the plane for such a stupid reason? Why did no one stop me!?

I groaned as everyone started getting up. “Shit…” I sighed, grabbing onto my purse and following the crowd off the plane.
I don’t fucking speak Russian! How am I going to get a fucking cab!? This was the very last time I ever did anything on impulse, ever. EVER.

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks; Alex was not the only Russian I knew. I started to laugh, delirious with relief, as I pulled my phone out. The roaming charges were going to kill me, but it was worth it if- “Hello?”

“Oksana! Oh my god, thank god. Where are you?”

“Home… what’s up Jes?”

“I’m in Russia! Do you mean home like… Russia home?”

She started to laugh and I couldn’t help but giggle along. “Yes I’m in Russia… I’m heading back to the states soon for the finals but… why are you here? Where are you?”

I told her the whole story - although she already knew bits and pieces from Geno - then I told her what airline I had taken, and she hung up; assuring me that she was on her way.


“You’re a fucking life saver! Ugh! I don’t even know what I was thinking…” I groaned as I climbed into the front of her Ferrari.

“You weren’t.” She chirped, rolling her eyes as she cautiously pulled out onto the highway. “But, that’s not your fault, that’s what love does to you.”

I snorted, watching the dark brick building roll by outside. “Right love…” I allowed my mind to wander, zoning out as a random Russian pop song poured out of the speakers. “Oksana… how did I screw up so bad?” I asked softly, pulling my eyes away from the window to glance at her.

She furrowed her brow, pouting her lips slightly. “I don’t think you screwed up that badly… I think that Alex just has a hard time depending on people. I mean, after Sergei… it was just hard for him, you know?”

“Wait. Who’s Sergei?”

“Alex’s brother.” She said slowly, glancing over at me.

I bit my lip. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that I didn’t know a whole lot about his home life, he never really talked about it much. “He has a brother?”

“Had a brother.” She corrected me, shaking her head as she pulled the car onto the curb. “Looks like you weren’t the only one keeping a secret.”

I twisted my face, trying to find meaning in her words. I reached for the handle, planning on continuing this conversation once we were inside her place. “Aren’t you coming?” I asked as she watched me get out of the car.

“Why would I go into Alex’s house?”

My mouth fell open as I pulled myself back in her car. “Why are we here?!”

“You flew all the way to Russia, to talk to him. So go talk to him. I don’t live far from here anyway… if things go bad… call me and I’ll come get you.” She shooed me out and I grabbed my suitcase.
I watched her drive off, leaving me standing on the sidewalk, clutching onto my bag. I turned around once she was out of sight, glancing at the large brick house behind me.