The End

Down - Jason Walker

One Month Later

I paced back and forth around the living room, hating myself for thinking I was strong enough to just walk away from her. Letting out a low grunt I flopped down onto one of the armchairs, leaning my head back and closing my eyes as I inhaled deeply. I tried not to think about what she was doing at this very moment, but it was no use. She’s probably out having a good time with the Penguins and the rest of her friends - she’s probably not thinking about me at all.
The thought didn’t even make me angry, just sad. Any anger I felt towards the Penguins, especially Sidney Crosby, were all but extinguished; nothing more than the chard remains of a hate that use to burn through me.
That was the only upside to how I was feeling now. It wasn't even like he had won, I knew that she wasn't with him; that she would never be with him - but that didn't make it better.
I wanted to call her, ask her how her intern was going with the Pens, but I couldn't...

Not having Jespin was like loosing the entire world all at once; one second there had been everything, green earth, warm sun, hope, love… and then the next, nothing.
I missed her so much it hurt; I loved her so bad, it hurt more.

I spent my time bouncing back and forth between determination and hopelessness. At times I wanted to run to Pittsburgh and kick down the front door. Run to her room and grab her; hold onto her and never let her go.
Then I would remember that she was moving on, and I had no right to keep dragging her back to me.
I wasn’t a knight in shinning armour; there were no dragons to slay, nothing for her to be rescued from.

She hadn't found someone else as far as I knew, not yet. I knew someday though, she'd find someone that she wanted to be with more than anything else. I wanted to be happy for her, I wanted to be able to look her in the face and honestly tell her that I was - or at least be able to lie well enough that she’d believe me.

There was no getting over Jes, I knew that, I had accepted that; but that didn’t make life any easier. She was still the only woman that I saw, the only one that mattered; the only one that could make me feel anything.

My mother was concerned, she did little to try and hide it. I wanted to tell her that everything was fine, that I was ok; but she knew me too well to believe me, and I knew her too well to bother lying.

Sergei had always told me to shoot for the stars; that, even if I didn’t make it, it would still be one hell of a ride. I had done that, tried my best to reach for everything I’d ever wanted; but I had failed miserably. I had lost the only thing that ever really mattered, the only thing that would ever matter to me.

And how funny it was, that I could think about Sergei and not hurt anymore.

That was another thing Jespin had done to me; for me. After telling her the truth about my brother and his death; she had sat beside me and comforted me, she didn’t hate me.
She told me that it wasn’t my fault, only for some reason, I believed her. I believed her because I wanted to believe her, and because she made it sound so simple.
Showing her the darkest side of myself, allowing the bad to show; then still feeling her warm embrace surround me, was enough to pull me out of my misery.
Of course I still missed him, deeply; but I was ready now.
I was ready to move on and go forward - not to forget, but - to forgive myself for a world that was, and always would be, out of my control.

Only now I had no one to move forward with…

I sighed as someone knocked on the front door. I glanced down at my watch and realized that I should have left for practice at least twenty minutes ago. Oh well… I thought, pushing myself off the chair and jogging towards the stairs.

I ran past the front door and shouted out “Just a second man! I lost track of time… come in, I gotta change.” I jogged up the stairs as Greener let himself in the front door.
I threw on a pair of D&G jeans, and a tight blue tee-shirt before running back down the stairs.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed my car keys off the table before heading towards the front door. There was no way I was gonna let Greener drive me anywhere, no matter how close it was. That kid just could not be trusted…

I took a deep breath before I turned around the last corner, feeling ready.
Ready for hockey, for the season. Ready to hang out with my friends again, and try to smile. I wasn’t ready to move past Jespin, I probably never would be, but I would go on…

I would go on, because it would be what Sergei wanted me to do; because no matter what my sins had been in the past, even I deserved a second chance. Just because I didn't carry the guilt with me any longer, I knew that I wasn't a traitor. I could still love and honour my brother's memory... I could do that by moving forward, by living life for both of us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


The Call - Regina(Cover)


I glanced around the small room that was about to become my new office; packing box in hands. I shifted the container until I was able to lift it, high enough that I could set it on my new desk.
It was full of pictures, documents, textbooks and other odds and ends that I had decided to take with me. On the very top was a picture of Alex and I; one that had been taken during a random night out - it caused me to bite down on my lip, as the picture pushed him back into the forefront of my mind.
I sighed as I began to pull everything out of the box; distributing the contents between the desk, shelves and filing cabinet - accordingly.

“Hey… you must be Jespin?” I turned around and smiled at the girl standing in my doorway.

“Yah I am… Nikita?” I asked her, extending a hand as she smiled at me.

“So you’re the head internet they said? You’re doing the two year program?” I nodded along with her questions, my eyes returning to the picture that was now on my desk - causing them to fill with tears.

“Umm… I’m gonna finish setting some things up in here and then I’ll meet you in the locker-room ok?” I said quickly, trying to mask the emotion that was now brimming in my voice. She nodded and turned around, heading off down the hallway towards the group of boys that I would soon have to face.

I sighed and turned back to the desk and my now half-empty box. I moved to continue on packing, but stopped, flopping down in to the chair and resting my face in my hands. This was the right thing to do… I chanted over and over again in my head, hoping that the constant sanction would stop the burning that was spreading through my chest. It didn’t.
I felt the hot tears pool over my lids and onto the palm of my hands, as my body shook gently with the sobs that were now consuming me. “Jes? Jespin?” I breathed in sharply, wiping away the tears hurriedly as I looked up to meet the gaze of my father. “Jes… what’s wrong?” He moved over to me and pulled me up towards him, holding me against his chest tightly as fresh tears began to trail down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around his neck as his strong arms held me up.

“Shh…” He hushed in my ear, turning his body slightly; rocking me into a lull. “Are you sure you're doing the right thing Jespin? You've been a mess for weeks” I nodded slowly, pulling my face away from his chest as I did so.

“It is… this is where I belong dad. I just, didn’t think it would hurt so much… I’ve made such a mess of everything. Of everyone.”

“That’s not true Jespin.” He said confidently, tilting my chin towards him and raising his eyebrows. “Are you sure you made the right decision this time though?”

I nodded, trying to appear confident. “I need to be here… this is the right decision. I just, I hope I can make it up to him. He's been better to me than I ever could have deserved and... I never loved him the way I should have... I need to correct that. I need to give him the chance he deserves.” He stared back at me, thoughtfully, before slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“I think that you, officially picking to be here, will make it up to him. You don't have to be alone anymore Jessie.” I hope you’re right… I sighed, not bothering to say it out loud, as I allowed him to lead me down the hallway. “Well now that you‘re all settled in… I’m gonna head home.” He said as we stopped walking. He gave me a one armed-hug, kissing my temple before he left; leaving me standing outside of the locker-room.
I could hear them on the other side; laughing, shouting, carrying-on. Oblivious to the fact that I was about to come through the door. I wondered how many of them knew the Penguins had offered me the internship, how many of them would really believe I was here?

My heart was hammering in my chest so hard that I could feel it in my throat. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm my erratic breathing as I wiped my clammy hands off on my jeans. Just reach out and open it… I thought; willing myself to push the door open. You can’t stand here forever Jespin!
I closed my eyes and leaned up against the door, taking one last breath before gently pushing my body forward.

I opened my eyes as I took my first step into the room; only catching the attention of one person. “Holy shit!” I grimaced as Mike flung himself across the room at me. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged the air out of me. “I thought you were moving back to Pittsburgh!?”

“Can’t breath!” I groaned, causing him to laugh as he loosened his grip, just enough for me to draw a breath.

“This is crazy! I was talking to Alex yesterday and he said you weren’t coming back…”

“Well, I haven’t really told him yet…” I trailed off, not really wanting to have this discussion in a room full of people - all of which were staring at me. I took the opportunity to glance around; Alex wasn’t there.

“He didn’t show up today.” Nick said expectantly as he came to stand beside us. I nodded in response, trying to look like I understood the tone of his statement. The rest of the team was still staring at me; half-smiling, half waiting for me to say something.

"I was just about to go get him but..." Mike said, smiling as he trailed off.

I knew that I should just leave Alex alone, if he wasn’t at practice then he was probably wasn't in any mood to deal with me. Besides, my place was at the arena, doing my job; but I didn‘t think I‘d be able to get through an entire day without talking to him. “I’ll see you guys later on…” I began, trying to figure out a way to get out without drawing attention to where I was heading.

“No explanation needed… tell Ovie we said hi.” Semi laughed from his stall, causing me to blush slightly as I dashed out the door.


I had no idea what I was going to say to him, what could I say to him? ‘Sorry’, seemed like a good place to start as any, but that would hardly be enough. And was this even the right thing to do? Sure, he had seemed upset when he left my house at the start of August, but it was the middle of September now; boys change their minds all the time. Why would now be any different?

I had been guiltily watching the fan sights for any information on who - if anyone - he was seeing; according to the internet, he was single. That didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be with me though…
I should have ran after him - again - once I saw the whole ’attack on Oksana’ thing, but I was still too chicken to do that.

It might have been along the lines of the same thing; their hate for her and their hate for me. There was one major difference though… Oksana was the prettiest girl I had ever seen; and I was ‘plain Jane’ at best. Maybe if I had of been prettier, maybe if I looked like the ideal 'hockey wife', I'd have felt differently about it. It was too late to think about that, I had to stop reliving it in my head.

I pulled up outside Alex’s house. I got out of my car and ran up the walk; hoping that he was still here, and alone.
I took a deep breath, reaching out to knock on the door.

His voice melted me instantly, even if he had just called me ‘man’, and had no idea who I was.
I shoved the door open anyway, catching sight of him as he headed up the stairs, dashing off towards his room. I sighed, stood awkwardly in the foyer, waiting.

I was standing there a few minutes before he came back down, smiling to himself as he went into the kitchen. He appeared a second later, swinging his keys around his finger.
I bit my lip when our eyes met; the smile fading off his face. “Jes?” He asked slowly, hesitantly as he froze in the foyer.
I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face as he took a timid step towards me. “You’re here…?” He said quietly, something between a question and a statement, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I nodded. “You came back for me?”
I nodded again, biting the inside of my cheek as tears began to well up in my eyes.

“I’m sorry… maybe this was a bad-” He held up a hand, cutting me off as he closed the gap between us, in three long strides.

He stared at me, long and hard for a few agonizing moments. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t bring words to form on my lips as I gazed up into his clear blue eyes. “What does this mean?” He finally asked, ending the silence that was crushing in around us.

“I don’t know…” I answered honestly, trying to sound as unemotional as possible; I wanted to talk to him, not cry like a baby. I looked away from him, not trusting my voice, or my emotional resolve. When he didn’t say anything, I kept going. “I decided that I wanted to stay in Washington… even if you don’t want me- I mean, even if things aren’t the same between us, this is my home now. This is where I’m suppose to be.”

“That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard…” He said harshly, causing me to glance up at him again...