#59 - Lost And Found

Hey all! Just wanted to say that the post that is 'technically' #61... is The End of this story.
There's an epilogue afterwards, and I believe that that's due up on the 20th.
That will be the complete end to this story... /sob. I can't believe it's actually almost over!!

My Little Girl - Tim McGraw


“Umm… what?” Alex asked slowly as he followed me up the stairs, towards my office.

I shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “I guess I just assumed you’d be coming here to see me one day, for one reason or another.” I explained, closing the office door behind me as he took the seat in front of the desk.

His face contorted in confusion as I flopped down across from him, into my large desk chair. “I don’t mean to sound rude… but I didn’t come here to talk to you… I came here to see Jespin.”

I chuckled lightly. “I know you’re here to talk to her… but I also know that you love her. I also know that you want to be with her and… I know you’re a semi-traditional guy.” He tilted his head in acknowledgement, still not sure where I was trying to go. “I remember how awful it was the day I went to Nat’s house to ask her dad if I could marry her… he, of course, had to make it difficult but… that’s apparently a hereditary thing.” I laughed, glancing down at the wedding photo on my desk.
I looked back up at Alex, he looked terrified. “I’m not saying that you’re here right now to ask me that…” I backtracked quickly. “I know you’re here to win her back. I just thought it might help you to know that… I give you my blessing.”

He laughed lightly, his eyes lighting up as he caught sight of a small picture of Jespin in front of him; pig-tails, popsicle moustache and freckles - grinning broadly with missing teeth.
We sat in silence a few moments, both of us looking at the photos around the room. I saw pictures of a little girl that had grown up too fast - but beautifully. He saw the woman he loved, back when she was still mine. “I don’t think that that’s ever going to happen but… why? Why would you want her with me?”

“I could give you a list of reasons if you want me to. You’re smart, you’re financially stable, you’re part of the world that she grew up in… I could continue but… there’s no point. None of that matters.
I’m giving you my support and my blessing, because my daughter loves you. She’s lost when she’s without you, and when she’s with you… she finds herself again. You make her happy and… she deserves all the happiness in the world.”

He continued to look around the room, drinking in the family pictures, before speaking again. “You know, it would have been easier to just tell everyone I was a mistake… that it was just poor judgement; that I manipulated her.”

I nodded in agreement, he had no idea how right he was. “Absolutely. Who would that serve though? Jespin doesn’t think you were a mistake and I don’t believe you manipulated her.
No matter what we said, there would have been a group of people with something to say about it.
We told the truth, because you didn’t do anything to deserve less than that. Besides, Jespin would never have allowed it.”

He nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “She won’t take me back though… I want her to but, she won’t.
It’s like… anything I ever said to her… none of it mattered. As soon as shit hit the fan she was gone; she stopped listening to me and believed all of their lies-”

“It’s a hard thing to go through.” I said quietly, cutting him off. “She might be my daughter, and she might have lived in the hockey world her whole life, but she was never involved in any of this.
You have no connection to me either; I’m a famous Canadian hockey player, not a Russian one. If I was, then maybe this would have been easy for you both… the same way it would have been easy for her and Sidney.”

I could tell by the way his shoulders slumped, that the idea wasn’t a pleasant one. He didn’t argue though; he knew I was right. “What do I do?” He asked finally, softly.

“You have to tell her… tell her everything. Then let her decided what she’s going to do about it.” He gulped audibly, something that caught me off guard. He looked ashamed - guilty - like I had brought up something private. It didn’t make sense though.
I had told Alex that I already knew he was in love with here, there was no reason for him to be ashamed about it; unless he really was that afraid to say it to her.

I waited for him to say something else, but he never spoke. Finally, I stood up and walked towards the door, opening it. “She’s in her room… down the hall, third door on the-” I stopped talking, shaking my head as a thought just occurred to me. Alex stood up too, looking confused as I continued to laugh. “I guess I should have realized that you already know where it is.”
I managed to choke out as I shook my head, slightly embarrassed as he walked by. He was blushing, and it looked like he wanted to say something apologetic, but I waved his concern away.
I had been young once too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Find Me - Boyce Avenue
(Yes, I did use this song on a Mr. Serious update… but really… can you blame me for re-using it? lol)

I was lying on my bed when someone pushed the door open. Rolling over I expected to see little Natalie, or Austin, or both; it was neither. “Alex?” I said slowly, pushing myself up onto my elbows to stare at him as he closed the door behind him.
He tilted his head, watching me as his face coloured slightly. I blushed too, pushing myself into a sitting position as I remembered what had happened in this room the last time he was here.
He moved towards me and sat on the bottom of my bed, never taking his eyes away from me as we stared at each other; found.

I wanted to say something smart. Something witty, or romantic, or perfect; but I just stared at him, wondering if he was really here. “There’s something I need to tell you…” He said slowly, finally pulling his eyes away from me. “You’re not going to like it, but, I have to tell you. It’s only fair that you know what I’ve done.”
I nodded slowly as he glanced back at me; my face a mask of terror and fear.
“I killed him Jespin.” Was all he said, it was all he had to say.

I knew who he meant, but I didn’t know what he meant. Sergei had been killed in a car-crash; an accident that had occurred because of ice, not because of Alex.
Not to mention Alex had been nine or ten at the time, there was no way he could have actually had anything to do with the death of his brother.
It didn’t matter though, the explanations would come later.

I watched Alex’s head slump forward, only to be caught in his hands as his body began to shake slightly with pain and hurt.
I reached out, crawling towards him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I buried my face into his neck. “It’s ok Alex… it’s ok.” I breathed, as his pulled his hands away from his face. He laid his head down, gently, on top of mine as his arms snaked around me; hugging me to him.

I moved around until I was sitting on his lap, still clutching onto him. I tugged on him gently, bringing him back onto the bed with me; our body’s intertwining together - his gaze bearing into me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I said quietly, but firmly, once his emotions were back under control.

He shook his head slightly, his fingers tracing my face as he spoke. “You don’t know… you don’t understand. He…” He took a deep breath, forcing the word out. “… Sergei… he gave me everything and I took everything from him.”

“Alex, you were just a kid-”

“Just a spoiled, selfish kid. He told me to walk Jespin… he said that he was tired and that the roads were bad… he didn’t want to drive.
He was a wrestler, and he had a meet in the morning… he just wanted to stay home and go to sleep early, not wait up and go out to get me.” He breathed deeply, tears dropping from his eyes. “He told me to walk. The rink was only fifteen minutes away.
It wasn’t even that cold out… I just didn’t want to walk. I wanted him to come get me because… because… I don’t even know. I just… I didn’t mean for it to happen.
It wasn’t suppose to happen Jespin, it was only a short drive.”

“Alex, it’s not-”

“And you know what? You know what I did when he didn’t come? I got mad and I cursed him… I started walking home and I said when I got home I was gonna yell at him for not coming to get me. I was gonna tell him that I hated him.
I had it all planned out in my head… and then I saw it. I saw the car. I saw the ambulance and the police… the fire trucks.
And then I knew. I didn’t need to see him to know he was dead… I just knew.” I shook my head slowly as he fought to draw a break, trying to find some way to talk him down. “I just knew he was dead… just like I knew it was my fault.”

“Alex, things happen, ok? Bad things happen to good people, and I know that that doesn’t make it up to you, that doesn’t make it better… but this wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t want him to die… it was an accident and you can’t keep blaming yourself for something that you didn’t do…” I said, half-begging him to believe me; to believe the truth.

He shook his head, defiantly. “He wouldn’t have been out if it wasn’t for me. Jespin, Sergei was the greatest brother ever… the greatest son ever. He did everything right.
He didn’t get into trouble, he didn’t do bad things… he was always there for me, for my parents… he wouldn’t have been out that night if it wasn’t for me.
And if hadn’t of been out that night… he’d still be here.”

I shook my head, my own tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know how to convince you that this wasn’t your fault Alex… but it’s not. You’re not a bad person, you’re good… you’re so, so good and you need to see that.
You need to see that.
And you don’t know… you don’t know that he’d still be here, you can’t live your life with ’what ifs’ Alex. My dad told me that… and he’s a pretty smart guy.” I said, giving him a small smile as he nodded at me.

“I should go… I just… I needed you to know. You deserved to hear the truth and… I should just go.” He said suddenly, moving to get up. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before… well… I should have told you before we were together, so you could have had the time to change your mind.”

“Change my mind? What in god’s name are you talking about?” I asked incredulity. “Alex, this doesn’t make me think about you any differently… I don’t think you’re bad now.
I mean, this explains a bit… like… why you’re so reckless. You blame yourself and you don’t feel like your worth of anything good… but that’s not true.”

“… you don’t think I’m a monster?” He asked quietly, causing me to grimace with sadness.

“Of course I don’t think you’re a monster… I could never think that of you.” I said back just as quietly; pushing myself off the bed to stand before him. “This isn’t your burden to bear Alex, let it go. Sergei wouldn’t want to know that you’re living with all this guilt.
If you can’t, if you can’t just drop this weight; then let me help you with it. Or if it’s confirmation that you need, or forgiveness that you still need, then take mine.
Alex, I forgive you everything, and blame you nothing.”

“Promise?” He asked, the word so low it was hardly audible.

I nodded, smiling through the tears that were still cascading down my cheeks. “I swear it.”
He smiled at me then, completely; his body relaxing as if a visible restraint had been removed off of him. Nodding, he took my face in his hands.
“Is there… anything else… that you needed to tell me?” I said softly, my body tensing as I prayed that this break through might lead to another one.

He didn’t move, his eyes searching intently into mine as I waited. Alex opened his mouth to say something as his phone went off.
We both stepped back, as if we had been caught doing something inappropriate by a physical person. “Hello? No… I’m in Pittsburgh… Yah… No… oh- yah well fuck you too Greener.” He sighed, flipping his phone shut and stowing it away in his pocket. “Sorry… I should get going but… I’ll… umm… I’ll give you a shout, ok?”

I nodded, trying to hide the disappointment on my face. I was so close to thinking that I had what I needed. I was so close to believing that he was going to say those three little words. “Drive safe.” I said at last.

He nodded, grabbing for my left hand. He pulled it up and gently kissed my fingers. “Ya lyublyu tebya, Jespin…”

I snorted, rolling my eyes at his conversational use of Russian. “Goodbye Alex, I’ll talk to you soon.”