#58 - Long Time Coming

Don’t Matter - Akon(Cover)


At times, the hate-on for me was too much to handle; the love for Masha was consistently unbearable. I couldn’t understand why I was doing this to myself; I had admitted that I was going to move on, but once again I was at my desk, unable to take my eyes off the computer screen.
It was like a horrible accident - you didn’t wanna see the blood and gore, but - you couldn’t look away.

If I had of actually sat down and listed all the reasons why Masha was better for Alex than I was, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with this many things.
Some sights said that they were back together, some said they were on a break, some said they were over. Regardless of what their relationship status was, it was blatantly obvious that the world liked her more than me.
At some point, the entire planet had decided that I was a worthless whore, and Masha was the princess of ’perfect-wonderful land’.

The funny thing was; the Pittsburgh Penguin sites were the worse; I was simply referred to as ’Traitor’ or ’The Traitor’.
And although no one was wondering why Sidney was - as far as they were concerned - ’dating’ me, they were still horrible in new ways.
I might not have lived up to the physical expectations of what an NHL player’s girlfriend should look like, but now that I was being pictured with Sidney; it didn’t matter. I was Mario Lemieux’s daughter, so now, I was at least good enough.

I sighed as I finally closed my laptop, spinning around in the computer chair and pushing myself onto my feet. I headed towards my door, pulling it open and coming up short; almost bumping into my dad. “Oh hey! Sorry… heading out?”

“Umm… no. Why?” I asked slowly, wondering why he was up here. Dad was suppose to be spending a lot of time this week with some of the scouts, figuring out who was going to be getting called up or re-evaluated before training camp.

“Could we talk for a second?” I nodded slowly as I moved aside, allowing him to enter my room. He walked in, taking the seat that I had just evacuated.

“So… what’s up?” I bit my lip as I glanced down, noticing for the first time that he had a magazine rolled up under his arm. I flopped down onto my bed, sitting on the edge and waiting.

He exhaled slowly and cleared his throat as I he pulled the magazine out, spreading it flat on his lap. He glanced at the cover and shook his head before opening it and flipping through some pages. “Jespin.” He started, sounded very severe and grave.
I shifted as his gaze moved to me, causing me to feel very much like a child again. “How much have you been reading about yourself?”

I furrowed my brow, slightly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I guess a better question is… how much are you listening to?” I shook my head slowly, still not following. “You’re not a traitor, Jespin. You’re not a bad person, you’re not worthless and you’re not, well, you’re not every other thing they’ve said.”
I wanted to nod in agreement, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I just looked down; adverting my eyes.
“Jespin…” Dad sighed, getting up and coming to sit beside me on my bed. “These people don’t know you. The things that they say are-”

“Please don’t. I know that they don’t know me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with…”

“Well, who matters to you more, me or them?” He asked seriously, holding the magazine up in front of him.

“You.”

“Then why do you believe this…?” He asked, flashing the headline ‘Ovechkin’s Downfall’, at me as he did so. “… instead of me? Jespin, I can’t imagine how hard this is on you. They said awful things about your mother when she married me too, of course, it wasn’t quiet so widespread or severe, but… you’re not the first person to deal with this.
They’re saying that you’re the reason the Capitals lost the Stanley cup, now, I know that Alex is a big part of that team; but do you really think you’re choices are monumental enough, that they can take down an entire organization?”

“No, but I did have a part in it. Alex is the whole team and it was my fault that he played so horribly…” I said, closing my eyes as the images of that night came back to me.

“So… if it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then by the same logic, it’s thanks to you that the Penguins won…” He concluded, giving me a fatherly smile.

“… no, that doesn’t make any sense. The Pens won because they’re a great team and they played their hearts out.” I said incredulity, surprised he would even joke about that.

He nodded slowly as his grin grew. “You’re running yourself down Jespin. You believe every single bad thing that these people say, but believe none of the good.
If you think it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then it’s thanks to you we won. If you don’t believe you had a hand in the victory… then how can you say you had a hand in the defeat?” I sighed loudly, looking away from him as I thought about everything he was saying.
“Jessie… I love you, but you don’t have that kind of sway over an entire hockey team… the things that happened, happened because of a lot of things - not because of one person.”

“Ok… so it’s not my fault they lost, happy?” I asked at length. He snorted in response.

“I didn’t come in here to just talk about hockey. I came here because I’m your father and I love you… and it is with the utmost love and respect that I tell you… you’re being a complete idiot.”

There was a moment of silence as my head snapped back up and I stared at my dad. He didn’t look angry or disappointed, but he also didn’t look like he was joking. “Umm… what?”

“I’m sorry if I just don’t follow, and I said I was going to stay out of this but… I’ve been watching you the past little bit and I just can’t continue on this path.
You left Alex, so I assumed that was over… even if you were still hurting from it, I assumed things would get better.
Then you started seeing Sidney and even though I wasn’t sure it would work out, I at least thought that you were trying to be happy.
And then I realized that you weren’t trying to be happy, you were trying to make everyone else happy.
I watched you throw away the boy you loved, because other people didn’t believe you deserved him, because you didn’t believe that you deserved him. Then you went into a relationship because you thought it was what people wanted you to do. You need to cut this shit out.” He finished, leaving my mouth gaping. “You can’t live the rest of your life according to what other people want Jespin, that’s not how you have a happy life.
As horrible as it might sound, you need to look out for yourself first. Even more than that Jes… you‘re not getting better, every day you get worse.”

“It’s not that easy dad-”

“What do you want? Forget about everyone else and answer honestly… between you and me… what do you want?”

I tilted my head back and glanced at the ceiling as I slowly drew in a breath. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to stop the tears from the falling. “Him.” I answered finally, through the lump of emotion that was thick in my throat. “I want to be with him.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

“He’s done with me dad…” I sobbed as he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to them. “It doesn’t matter what I want because I already screwed everything up so much…”

“You don’t know that Jes… why don’t you call him?”

“What about everything that would happen if it did work out? We just went through a press conference to try and push everything under the rug… I can’t do that again.”

“Jespin, the media is my specialty, you leave that to me. I need you to look after yourself first.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I nodded slowly. “I don’t even know what he’s doing dad.” I said, bringing the conversation back to Alex. “For all I know, he’s not even thinking about me anymore.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God Loves Her - Toby Keith


I couldn’t get her out of my mind. As I drove towards her house, it was all I could do to try and stay below 100mph; the last thing I needed was to get pulled over. I banged my hands on the wheel as I drove through streets that were only slightly familiar.
I glanced over into the passenger seat, at the directions that Keisha had given me over the phone. Sighing, I realized I was getting closer.
I was torn. I wanted to see her so badly, tell her the truth about me, about my past, and my feelings for her; but I was also afraid. I wasn’t sure how she would react.
I knew that it shouldn’t matter, this should be easy. We weren’t together so her reaction shouldn’t effect me; but it did, and it would.

As I pulled up in her driveway and pulled the car into park; a sudden idea came over me. What would her family do?
I had never met her mother, or her siblings. I was coming her uninvited; uninvited into the home that Sidney Crosby lives in. I was out of my fucking mind.
Taking a deep breath I pushed open the door, there was nothing else to do now but go in.

I headed up the walkway, praying that she would be the only one home, or - at the very least - that she would be the one to answer the door.
I knocked timidly, but loudly, and only had to wait a few seconds before I heard someone jogging down the stairs.
Taking another deep breath, I willed myself to stand tall and show no fear; not even if Crosby opened the door.

When the door latch clicked and the door was pulled open, I gazed into the empty room. Completely confused I looked down, to see a small girl standing in front of me. “Umm… is Jespin here?”

She continued to stare at me, her head tilted completely backwards as she watched me; her blond pigtails falling down behind her. “Who’s there Natalie?” A man yelled from somewhere in the house.

“I didn’t get it! I thought you were getting it!” A woman’s voice answered back, as the tiny blond girl continued to watch me.

“Not you Nat! Little Natalie… when do I ever call you Natalie?” I suppressed a snort, shaking my head as I listened to Jespin’s parents banter back and forth.

“Well are you gonna get it?” The woman finally called out, and I heard Mario let out a groan, his feet soon thumping down the stairs.

“I was up on the second floor! You’re ten feet away!” He complained loudly, “… lazy old-” He began to say, coming to a halt once he made eye contact with me. I opened my mouth to say something, but shut it quickly.
Mario came forward, gently shooing the little girl away. “Go find Austin.” He said, nodding at her to take off.
She dashed away, giggling as he turned his attention back to me. “Sergei’s been busy with the baby and whatnot so… my wife’s been baby-sitting his oldest.” He explained. “Well, if you call that babysitting…” He laughed as I woman came around the corner; smelling strongly of nail-polish and fanning her hands out in front of her.
“Well.” He said finally, motioning for me to come in. “What took you so long?”