#60 - The Final Realization

Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
(Ok… a guy made this video for his gf (who is living with Crohn’s Disease) and I think it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen…)

“So… for whatever reason, you’re father didn’t tell you this… but, we want to offer you a full ride scholarship to Penn State. That includes an internship with the Penguins and a guarantee job signing at the end, if you’re interested that is?” I could hardly believe my ears.

I had sent in my application to the Penguins when things had gone downhill with Alex; not actually hoping for anything, other than some kind of plan B for next year. I wasn’t sure whether or not I would be able to spend everyday at the Verizon Center and not hurt when I saw him; I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me back there.
Maybe he’d be uncomfortable with an ex-girlfriend working with him. Or maybe he wouldn’t care at all… I wasn’t sure which would be worse.

I stared at Jack, the Pen’s head medical trainer, as he smiled at me warmly. “Umm… wow. I honestly didn’t think that I’d hear anything back from this. I mean, I know that sounds silly since my dad owns the team but… you guys are so… picky.”

He laughed loudly and nodded. “Regardless of your parentage Jespin, you did excellent in your first year of University and I’m positive you’re going to do fantastic here.
You can even live at home, I’m sure your father will love that.”

“I bet.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes as I thought about how happy dad would be if I came home; and then it struck me. If there was a chance for me to come home, why wouldn’t dad have told me this himself?

“So what do you think Jes? Do the Pens have a new head intern?”

“Head internet?!”

“Well yah, you’ve already served one year as an intern and you’d be the only second year student we’d have on staff. It’s just a formality really, you can show some of the other interns around, help them out with questions or concerns… it’s not a big deal.”

I raised my eye brows as I nodded slowly. “Alright… yah. Sure… that sounds great. Penguins here I come!” I giggled, raising my fist in a mock-celebration.

“Fantastic. Now, it won’t be official till September but, I look forward to working with you.” I grinned back as he shook my hand. Excusing himself back out the front door.
I shut it behind him and sighed lightly as I heard someone descending the stairs.

I turned around just as dad reached the landing. “So… guess who’s moving home?” I grinned, excited to see his reaction.
It was less then expected.

“Why?” He asked, gazing at me intently. “I mean, not that I’m not happy but… why? I thought you loved Washington?”

“I do but… this might be nice. Being home and getting to see everyone all the time again. Plus I’ll get to hang out with the guys again… that’ll be nice.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes zoning out for a few seconds before he focused back on me. “Yah… sounds nice…”



“Well, that’s fantastic Jes, you should be really happy… the Pens are lucky to have you.” Alex said as I sat in my room; my cell phone clutched tightly against my ear. I smiled to myself as he praised me, his mouth full of whatever it was men ate, when there was no one to cook for them. “I’m sure some of the boys will miss you though…”

“Oh well, just means more fresh meat for everyone.” I laughed along with him - even though I could feel a sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought.

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line, as we both feel into an uncomfortable silence. It was the first of it’s kind, and I didn’t like it. It was unexplainable and it hurt; a lot.
Did this mean that we had nothing left to say to each other? Or was there a distant barrier there now? Both thoughts were horrible ones.
I didn’t want to be done with Alex, not ever, even if we were technically ’done’. Break-up with someone is one thing, imagining your life without them is even more foreign.

“So… talk to Sana lately?” He asked suddenly, causing me to bite my lip in confusion.

I shook my head to myself before answering; trying to remember the last time in my head. “No, it’s been a week or more… why?”

“Oh, just more shit in the media about her… I honestly don’t know how she does it. What is it about her that people hate so much?” He asked absently, as I began to search the web.
Sure enough a few seconds later some sites popped up, and I just shook my head; angry.

“I think it’s the fact that she looks like Malkin cut her out of a magazine… and he’s well…”

“And he’s ugly! He gives Russians a bad name… so lucky I’m hear to pick it up.”

“Yes… he should be very pleased…” I responded, rolling my eyes and trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.
Someone knocked at my door, causing me to jump. “Oh, hold on, someone’s here.”

“No worries, I should go anywhere. I’ll talk to you sometime soon, alright?”

“Sounds good, night.”

“Night.” He hung up and I put the phone down, turning around as Sidney pushed the door open.

“Busy?” He asked quietly, and I shook my head, motioning for him to come in. “You’re staying here?” he asked, grinning as he crossed the room towards me. I stared up at him, not bothering to stand up as he stopped in front of me. He watched me intently, until I was sure he was going to kiss me.
It was a frightening thought, I wasn’t staying here for him… surely he had to see that?

“Umm… see this stuff about Oksana?” I asked, trying to divert his attention from me.

Sidney nodded, finally pulling his eyes away from me to glance at the computer screen. “Yah… annoying as shit. I feel bad for her… she can’t catch a break that girl.”

“She doesn’t even do anything to deserve it…”

He nodded his head in agreement. “Nope but, you know… people hate the people that have the things they want. Especially girls, girls suck.”

I chuckled quietly as he leaned away from me. “Well anyway… I have to get going… I’m heading to Flower’s but, I just wanted to say that I’m really happy you’re staying here Jes.
It just feels right.”

I nodded as he patted my shoulder before turning around and heading for the door. I turned back to the screen and scrolled down; the whole situation was eerily familiar, but different.
They were saying the same things about Oksana that they said about me; only they were calling her a gold-digger on top of it. The only real difference was, Oksana was none of the things that she said.
She wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t horrible and she wasn’t a bitch. Besides, Geno loved her and she loved him, why wouldn’t that be enough for Geno’s so-called-fans?

I gasped, throwing my hands up to my mouth as realization poured over me. “I’m such a fucking idiot!” I moaned, sliding my hands over my face and taking a deep breath.
Everything they said about her, they said about me too. I couldn’t believe that people would say things like that if they weren’t true, but they did; here was my proof.
If they could lie about her, they could lie about me too.

They lied about me too, but I was too late to do anything about it. Why couldn’t I have made this realization before everything had been finalized with Alex?
Why couldn’t I have accepted everything that everyone said to me as true, and ignored the faceless people on the internet?

God I was stupid. Now everything was ruined, and there was nothing I could do about it. Alex was done, and I had to accept that.

I sighed, closing my lap top and heading over to my bed; I’d give anything to return to the blissful ignorance I had felt only moments before.

Anything.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My Wish - Rascal Flatts


I sighed as I hung up and flicked through my computer screen. I shook my head as more pictures of Sana and Geno popped up.
It was retarded the way people attacked her constantly; it was almost more brutal than the things they said about Jespin.

Of course, it didn’t bother Oksana. Not because she was immune or because she was conceited; she had Geno’s love, and that was all she needed. She knew that he loved her beyond anything, so why would she listen to other people?

And there it was, all of my problems in a nutshell. Geno loved Oksana, and most importantly, she knew it.
Would that have changed anything? It wasn’t like she didn’t know that I loved her. It was obvious. If I didn’t love her then I never would have spent all that time with her, told her how awesome she was; were those three words really so important when I acted on it everyday?

Maybe I should tell her, maybe it would change her mind? Maybe I needed to stop being such a coward and just call her back, apologise to her and make everything ok.
If I told her I loved her, would that fix it all? Could it really be that simple?

I was a coward when it came to that, otherwise, I would have told her a long time ago. But could I tell her now? I wanted to, I wanted to call her right now and tell her everything…

No. I can’t, she’s in Pittsburgh, I can’t mess her life up anymore… I need to let her go. She was moved on with her life, happy with it, and the decision had been made.
How selfish of me would it be if I ruined all of that? I had no right to make her feel guilty about moving forward.

God, how did I let this happen? How is it possible that I had the whole world in my arms, and was still too afraid to tell her something so simple; something so right.
I could tell her about Sergei, but I still couldn’t tell her that I loved her - I could tell her the worst about me, but not the best.
It made no sense, but it was the only thing that I could do. I couldn’t chase her down, I had to let her go; if I really loved her, it was time to prove it.

There was no more being selfish and putting myself first; I had to let her live her own life… and hope that she had all the happiness in the world.

I had to let her go.