#46 - A Father’s Love

Never Never - Kina Grannis


“Sidney, I’m sorry.” I said quickly as he walked in through my door. I was sitting at the kitchen table, fully expecting my dad to follow in after him; but Sidney shut the door behind him.

He stared at me hard for a minute as I wrapped my fingers around the bottle of Coke I was drinking. “Ok.” He said finally, walking over to my fridge and pulling the door open.

“… what?” I asked, my mouth dropping as I stared at his back.

“You said sorry, I said ok. You’re forgiven.” His face reappeared a second later, grinning, as he clutched a plate of left-overs. “Are you gonna eat this?”

I shook my head as he placed the dish in the microwave. We both waited in silence until the dinger went off and he carried it back over towards me; taking the seat next to me and digging in. “So… just like that, we’re ok?”

He shrugged as he shovelled forkful after forkful into his mouth. “Obviously, I would rather you date someone other than Ovechkin but… there’s no reason why we wouldn’t be ok.”

“Oh.” I said softly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Are you positive? Cause I did go behind your back and-”

“Jes! I’m not mad. I still like you, I still want you to be happy and… I guess I’ll just… wait and hope that things don’t work out. In a non-asshole way, I didn’t mean for that to sound like that.” I shook my head, waving away his concern as happiness and relief flooded my face.

“Thank you…” I sighed, throwing my arms around his neck as I giggled excitedly. I pulled back and looked up at him, he looked confused. I laughed a bit as I sat back down. “I just… I thought you hated me and, I haven’t talked to dad yet and Alex isn’t speaking to me so-”

“Ovechkin’s not talking to you?” Sidney asked, grunting as a grin crossed his face. “Why?”

“Because I lied to him… he didn’t know anything about you or Mario and, I don’t know, he’s mad at me.”

“Well, you kinda lied to me too and I’m not mad at you. Clearly, we get along better.” I bit my tongue at that remark, not wanting to fight with him so soon after he’d forgiven me.
I had a feeling that Sidney would be making remarks like that for a long time, but that was ok. He wasn’t mad at me, and judging by the way things were; Alex wouldn’t be around for much longer anyway.


“So where’s my dad?” I asked as Sidney and I sat on my couch watching highlights from yesterdays’ final game of the Pen/Capital series.

“Umm… he went back to Pittsburgh with your mom earlier, she wanted to get back to make sure that the kids were ok.” I nodded slowly as he spoke, wondering just how upset dad was. “He’s not mad at you either… by the way.” He added as he saw the pain cross my face.

“How could he not be…” I said slowly, shaking my head. “I totally disrespected him Sidney.”

“I think he gets it. I mean, at least he seemed like he did. He doesn’t think that you’re ashamed of him or anything, he just…” Sidney shrugged, giving me a reassuring smile. “Seriously Jes, it’s ok.”

I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as I rested my back on the couch. “I need to see him…”

“Then let’s go.” He said simply, causing me to look up.

“What?”

“You wanna see him. You’re done of school. The Capitals are done - thanks to yours truly - and, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t just come home with me!” Sid grinned, pushing himself off the couch and grabbing for me. “Come on!”

“I can’t just take off Sidney!” I groaned, glancing around my apartment.

He rolled his eyes, tugging on my arm still. “I don’t mean for good but, come on… celebrate with me!”


I couldn’t believe that I had let him talk me into this. I suppose in a way it was good, I needed to get out of Washington for a bit; go back home and try to find some way to make things up to my parents.
I watched the lights of the city disappear behind me as Sidney drove slowly through the darkening night.

It would only take us a few hours to get home; and I was both excited and anxious at the same time.
It’d be nice to get away from things for a while, but I was worried about the reception I would get. What if they didn’t want to see me? What if they kicked me out?

I couldn’t believe that I had lied about my dad now that I thought back on it. It wasn’t like I had done it was malicious intent, or with the purpose of hurting him; but that’s what I had done - no matter what Sidney said.
My parents had never been anything but wonderful to me, and they didn’t deserve to be hurt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Lost - Michael Buble


I sat beside Nathalie, my arm resting around her shoulders as we watched another episode of Hoarders. “Mario, maybe we should call her?” She asked softly, gazing up at me as I raised my eyebrows at her.

“I thought you had the utmost faith in Sidney.” I chuckled as my scrunched up her face at me. “Those were your words after all… they’ll be fine babe. Sidney said he’d call when he left.”

“And he should have left hours ago! He’s going to be driving back in the dark Mario, go call him and make sure everything‘s ok. What if he hit a moose?”

“A moose?“ I sighed rolling my eyes as she pouted up at me. I unwound myself from around her and groaned as I pushed my body off the couch.

“Geezer.” She quipped as I rubbed my back, heading into the kitchen.

I snorted “Geezer… I’m not the one with grey hair.” I laughed as she yelped behind me. “Don’t worry about it… you’re still fairly attractive for being seventy-something.”

She muttered something behind me, but I couldn't make it out as I headed off the landing; I stopped in my tracks as car headlights flashed in through the window. “He’s home babe!” I called, turning around and heading towards the front door.
I pulled it open, surprised to see Jespin’s car parked in my driveway. She got out of the passenger seat, and even in the dark I could see how flushed her face was. I gave her a small smirk as I walked out on to the porch, watching her walk towards me slowly; her steps, small and timid.

My smile widened and I tried not to laugh as a look of complete shame and sadness spread across her face. “Jessie.” I cooed, reaching out for her.
She fell into my arms and began to sob, her apology almost indistinguishable as she pressed her face into my chest.
I laughed heartily before kissing the top of her head and steering her towards the front door.

I turned around as I felt Sidney move behind us; thanking him with my smile as he nodded in return, his eyes never leaving Jespin.
Poor kid… I sighed, recognizing the tenderness in his gaze. He was in love, completely; and there was nothing I could do to ease his pain.
As much as I would love for things to work out between the two of them, Jespin needed to find her own way.
I knew that that didn’t make it any easier though; and if Alexander Ovechkin was really what she wanted, then we were in for the battle of the century. Once the press got a hold of this, it was going to be everywhere.

“Jessie, it’s ok.” I sighed, leading her towards the couch as Nat glanced over her shoulder.

“JESPIN!” She screamed, jumping up and pulling our daughter away. They embraced warmly before they both plunked down on the couch.

“Mom… I’m sorry.” She sighed, finally getting her emotions in check. “I should have… I didn’t mean… It’s not…” She sputtered, unable to find the right words to say what we already knew.

“It’s ok Jespin, we know.” I grinned, sinking down on the cushion beside her. “It’s ok.”



“Hey dad, what are you doing?” Jespin asked softly, walking into my office, a cup of coffee clutched in her hand.
She was still wearing her PJs as she headed towards me, her hair dishevelled from tossing and turning the night before.

“Austin got me that facepage thing a few days ago. I’m ‘liking’ things…” I explained as I clicked around the page.

“You’re what?” She giggled, coming to stand beside me.

“Ummm here look…” I said, pointing to the screen. “Maxime updated his status to say ‘Is a superstar’… Jordan commented on it and said ‘you suck’. So… I agree with Jordan, and then all I have to do is hit this little link here… and now Max knows how I feel about him.”

She shook her head at me, her eyes still focused on the screen. “Why don’t you just tell him?”

I sighed, laughing slightly. “It’s technology Jespin… it’s what all the cool kids are doing! Anyway, what can I do for you this morning?”

She bit her lip, moving around to the front of the desk to sit down in one of the empty, leather chairs. “Umm… I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry… again.” She sighed, glancing up at me. “I didn’t lie to hurt you I just… I don’t know. I felt so alone the past couple days… like everyone hates me.”

“No one hates you Jes, and you’re never alone.” I reached out across the desk to squeeze her hand. “Baby, there is nothing in this world you could do that would ever make me love you less. Except date a Flyer, that I couldn’t tolerate.” I smirked, causing her to grin back. “So… do I get to officially meet your boyfriend now?”

She groaned, leaning back in the chair. “We’re not… he’s still not talking to me. It’s probably better this way anyway, I mean, it wouldn’t have worked out.”

“I don’t believe that.” I said quietly, causing her head to snap back up.

“Why?” She asked incredulity, tilting her head to the side.

I exhaled loudly, glancing around my desk at all the pictures of her on it. “You’ve never been that kid Jespin. You were never the one to give up or stop trying. If you wanted something bad enough, you worked until you got it… why would this be any different?”

“Mike Green says that Alex is planning on going back to Russia soon… there’s not a lot I can do to stop that.”

“Stop it, no. But he can’t stop you from going…” I said simply, smiling at my logic.

“Dad! Are you trying to encourage me to chase after a boy into a foreign country?” She laughed, her eyes full of disbelief.

“I am suggesting nothing of the sort…” I said slowly, trying to hide the grin on my face. “But you aren’t going to stop until you get what you want Jespin, and as long as that continues to be him then, you need to do what it takes to be happy.” I watched her for a long minute as she stared off into space, debating in her mind. “Besides, whatever happens, you have a family to come home to… that’s all that really matters.”

#45 - Nothing

Yes, this song IS in the New Moon movie... No, I did not know it at the time that I picked it... don't judge =P lol

Meet Me At the Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie


The phone went to a dial tone, and I finally hung it up. I couldn’t believe that that had just happened, how was it possible that even Beth was angry at me?
Of course she wasn’t really mad at the fact that I was dating Alex - or had been - and had lied to everyone about it; she was mad that I hadn’t told her.
‘We’re suppose to tell each other everything, and you didn’t think that was important enough to mention?’, she had hissed when I told her what had happened the night before.

I had called her because I needed someone; someone to talk to, someone to figure things out with.
Now I didn’t even have Beth. I had nothing.

I left out a long sigh, staring out at the back parking lot as I sat, defeated, on the stairs. I watched the cars driving past the gates, heading off to their destinations as I sat unmoving, no where to go, no one to talk to.
Almost no one. I grinned slightly as I saw Mike pull into the parking lot, pulling his Lamborghini into an empty spot before hopping out.

He saw me instantly, giving me a huge grin as he jogged towards me. “Hey Jes, what are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here? I thought you guys had the day off…?”

“I just came to workout, suppose to be meeting Brooks at the gym. So, what’s up? You look like shit… no offence.” He added sheepishly as he sat down beside me.

I bit my lip and turned to look at him. “You don’t know?” He shrugged his shoulders, still staring at me with expectation. “Alex found out about my dad. About Sidney.”

“Shit, how did that happen?”

“They ran into each other last night…” I explained, not wanting to go into detail about the worst night of my life.

“Huh. You think he would have called to tell us something about that… where is he anyway?” He asked innocently, looking around as if he was expecting Alex to pop out from behind the garbage bin.
I closed my eyes and looked away as I felt heavy tears forming under my lids. “Jes?”

“He’s gone. I think he broke up with me.” I sobbed, feeling Mike’s strong arm slid around my shoulders, hugging me against him.

“What did he say?” He asked softly, rubbing his hand along my arm.

I shrugged, the tears finally falling freely down my cheeks. “I don’t know he just… he left and… he won’t answer my calls…”

“Ok well… I’m sure it’s not that bad. I mean really, Ovie’s gonna realize that this isn’t that big of a deal. It’s not like you were cheating on him or something… you just… left out a few details about your dad. That’s not so bad.”
The way he said it made it seem so simple; and I almost believed it was going to be ok. Until I remembered the look on Alex’s face when he left.
I shook my head, trying to make him feel the devastating effects that last night had had on our relationship.

Mike pulled out his phone and hit a few numbers before holding it up to his ear. “Ovie? Yah… what happened last night?” He asked as I sat up, staring at him with wide eyes. “So… well… I think you’re over-reacting. So what? Are you mad about Mario or Sidney?
Uh… how do I know about Sidney?” Mike looked over at me, an apologetic look on his face. “Jespin sort of told me a while ago… who she was…
Look Alex, it’s not that big of a deal. Ok! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but that doesn’t…” He let out a loud sigh, shaking his head as Alex’s voice cut crossly through the phone. “Whatever, fine. I’ll talk to you later.” He snapped his phone shut and glanced at me again.
“I think he just needs to cool off.” He said finally, giving me a sad smile. He pulled me back into a hug and we continued to sit in silence.

“Do you ever feel like there isn’t a single person in the entire world that loves you anymore?” I asked quietly as Mike walked me to my car; after finally having decided it was best if I wasn’t here when Alex showed up.

“Jes-”

“No Mike, it’s true. Alex, dad, Sidney… why am I so selfish?”

He shook his head, hugging me on last time. “You’re not selfish and they all still love you… they just probably need some time I mean, this is kinda big.” He chuckled, releasing me and pulling open my door.
“I’ll talk to him, alright? See if I can’t talk some sense into him. You take care of your dad. Just remember that he’s your dad so… he has to love you on principle.” He said smugly before closing my door for me.

I groaned as I watched him jog back to the VC, hoping that this conversation wouldn’t be the death of me.
I couldn’t possibly talk to Sidney about it today, but I could try and patch things up with dad; I probably owed him the biggest apology of all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Hockey Night In Canada - Pens vs. Caps

I knew what Mike had been trying to do, but it didn’t have any effect on me; I already knew that I needed to let Jespin go, give her what she wanted.
I needed to focus on tonight, at least try and make it look like I wanted to be here.

Normally hockey had always been my sanctuary, the ice, the fans, the game; tonight it felt like hell. It all reminded me of her.
Jespin had taken over almost every part of my life, changing it, and now there was no going back; it was like being haunted.

I skated past the Pens bench and felt all their eyes following me. I could see Crosby out of the corner of my eye; he looked like a man with something to prove - as if he hadn’t already stole the most important thing from me.


We were being crushed. Apparently the entire Pittsburgh team felt the need to dominate the game; although it wasn’t too hard to dominate a game when the other side didn’t want to win. Or at least I didn’t want to win.
I just wanted to get away from here, from this place, from everything that reminded me of her. I needed to go back home; the only part of my life that she hadn’t managed to filter in to.

Everyone was angry, yelling at me, but I didn’t give a shit. I was numb and I preferred it that way. “What the fuck is wrong with you tonight Alex?! Get out there and DO SOMETHING!” Coach screamed at me as I felt his hand slam into the back of my helmet.
I hopped out of the bench and on to the ice; glancing at the clock. There was still eight minutes in this game and I wasn’t sure I could make it.
I hated being around Crosby; hated watching him touch the puck and skate past me.

My mind was screaming at me to stop him, to knock him out. I wanted to inflict pain on him until he was physically able to comprehend the suffering that was consuming me; but I couldn’t.
Some where out in that crowd of black and white was Jespin; and I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her. If I took Crosby out, she would be upset, and even though she wasn’t mine anymore; I didn’t want her to be upset.



Our Cup run was over, and that meant only a few more days till I could go home. I’d have to come back once for the NHL award show, but other than that I could hide out in Russia until the start of next season.
Hopefully putting an ocean between us would help ease the pain; it was a fruitless thought, but I couldn’t stand to think about the long months I had ahead of me.

I answered the media questions quickly, without my usual flare; trying to sneak out the back before anyone noticed. “Not so fast!” I groaned as I turned around to see Brooks and Greener following me.

“Fuck off guys, I’m not in the mood.”

“Jesus, since when did you become such a fucking pussy?” Brooks spat, glaring at me as they moved forward.

I sighed and shook my head. “Just stop Brooks.”

“No I won’t stop! We just lost that fucking game because you’re off in ‘Everyone-Feel-Sorry-For-Ovechkin Land’. Some of us would have liked to make it to the finals you know?” I shrugged, turning back around. “Why won’t you just go talk to her?" Brooks pressed on. "You’re both moping around, like always. This always happens… one of you does something wrong and then you’re both too stubborn to do anything about it."

"And we’re the ones that have to pay for it.” Greener added, softer.

“Look. There’s no point having this conversation with you. She already made her choice… I have to respect that.” I said, taking a deep breath.

Brooks cursed again, shaking his head. “First off, she’s not with Crosby, Mike already told you that this morning. And second, since when the fuck do you respect anything?”

“There’s nothing I can do-” I started to say, taking another step towards the exit, but Brooks cut me off.

“Umm… yah there is. Go get your woman! Fucking Christ. Go club her over the head and drag her back to your cave, or whatever the fuck it is you people do! Just stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Brooks shrugged at Greener, both of them looking proud of themselves. “That it?” I asked sarcastically, reaching out for the door.
They nodded, and I pushed it open, letting it slam behind me as I headed towards my car.

#44 - Traitor

Breathe - Sia


It was just before game 6 of the Penguin/Capital series, and the Penguins were winning by one game; if we lost tonight, we were out.
I stood in the visitor’s hallway of the Iceberg, waiting for the guys to head out onto the ice; also waiting for my dad.
I knew he was coming to visit me at some point, the only question, was when.

I debated telling Alex the truth about me before the game, but I decided against it. By some miracle of god no one saw the two second clip of me on SportsCentre; I wasn't about to bring it up now, not if the shit hadn't already hit the fan.
I was going to have to tell him, I realized that now. I would tell him as soon as the series was over; as soon as he was done playing against Sidney for the summer.
I would tell him, and I would face the repercussions head on - praying for the best.

“Hey love, what are you doing?” Alex asked as he came up behind me, startling me as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I froze in place as I shifted my eyes back and forth down the hallway… this was not good. He was fully geared, ready to head out onto the ice.

I sighed softly as I rested my head against his chest. “Just getting ready to head out… are you ready to play?”

“Ready to win.” He grinned back. I shook my head at the complete confidence in his voice; I wish I felt that confident right now. He let out a sigh as the Caps started to file out of the locker-room. “Let’s get going… need my baby in the box with me.”

He grabbed my hand, pulling me out towards the ice behind him. “Oh! I forgot something… I’ll meet you in the box!” I stretched up to give him a kiss on the lips; turning quickly and running back down the hall. The last thing I needed was to walk hand and hand out with Alex…

“Hey! There she is!” I pulled up short; almost running right into dad as I rounded the corner. “Where are you going in such a rush?”

“Umm… just forgot something in the locker-room…” I lied again, starting to panic as I shifted uncomfortably. “I gotta go!” I took off again, running past my dad and flying through the locker-room door.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves as I counted to 10 Mississippi. I slowly pushed the door back open and headed towards the ice.


It wasn‘t getting any easier, watching Sidney and Alex play each other; it felt like I should be over the worry by now, but I wasn‘t. I shook my head softly as the game started and Alex dove over the box, skating straight towards Sidney.
Coach B paced beside me as the period went on, mumbling to himself as the play intensified.
And it was an intense game, a hard game. It’d expected no less though; Sidney and Geno always felt the need to try and outshine Alex - of course now it was all out on the line - do or die.

We were able to make a come back, winning game six and securing a game seven on home ice.


I had snuck down to say hi to dad and the guys while Alex was changing, running back in time to catch him before he knew I was gone.

“Hey baby! Ready to head home?” He asked as I pushed my way into the locker room.

“Yah, let’s get out of here…” I agreed hurriedly, hopping that we’d be able to sneak out of here before anyone saw us.
Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the locker-room after him, he rushed down the hall; trying to avoid the media. I didn’t try to stop him, I wanted to be out of here just as badly as he did.

“Hey! Let go of her! Just cause she works here doesn’t mean you can put your fucking hands on her!” I froze as I heard Sidney’s voice snap out from somewhere behind me.
Through wide-eyes I started up at Alex as he stopped walking too; his face mingled with a mixture of confusion, anger and shock.

He looked down at me, then back up at Sidney. Apparently deciding that I was in some kind of danger he pulled me protectively behind him; taking a step in front of me to shield my body from Sid, completely. “Don’t try and tell me what to do… I can touch my girlfriend whenever I want and it’s none of your business.”

“Girlfriend?” Sidney spat, his voice dripping with venom as he started to emit a bark-like laugh. “Yah, cause Jespin would date you!”

I groaned softly, resting my forehead on Alex’s back; I need to say something now, before this escaladed any further. “I am… I am dating him Sidney.”

Alex grinned in triumph for a minute - at my proclamation - before his face fell back into confusion. He looked back and forth between Sidney and I, as I moved to stand beside him. “Why does Crosby care if you’re dating me? … how do you even know him?” His eyes strayed to me; accusing for the first time.

“It’s not what you think-” I started to say before Sidney cut me off.

“How do you know me? Please… the only thing that Ovechkin cares about is getting his name spread around even more - it’s not enough for him to have ability, he wants the celebrity that goes along with it… he’s using you Jes. He's using you for your name, and to get under my skin...”

“Shut up Crosby! Don’t stand there and pretend that you know anything about me… and if all that bull was true; why would I go after Jespin? That doesn’t even make any sense.” Alex sneered back, his arm wrapping around my shoulder; pulling me against him once again.

“Hey Sid! We’re getting ready to-” Jordan came around the corner, stopping in his tracks as he saw Alex’s body wrapped around mine. “Whoa… what’s going on?” I groaned softly as Max, Bill, Tyler and Chris came around the corner too, stopping just behind Jordan.

“Let’s go…” I said softly, grabbing onto Alex’s hand and tugging on him. He gave one last glare at Sidney before allowing me to lead him down the hallway.

“Jespin?” I skidded to a halt; my entire body locking into place as my father’s voice slammed the wind out of me. I turned around slowly - facing him - as he came to stand beside Sidney. “What’s going on?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. How do I fix this now? Ok… not a big deal… I took a deep breath and looked over at Alex. “Ovechkin’s using Jespin to try and get back at me.” Sidney spat before I had time to get any words out.

“What?” I wasn’t sure who had said it first, but the question was stated by more than one person.

“That’s not true Sidney!” I whined, tightening my grip on Alex as I did so. “He doesn’t… he didn’t know…” I said slowly, quietly.

“He doesn’t know what?” Dad asked, walking towards me; until he was close enough to reach out and gently grab my shoulder.

“He doesn’t know… that you’re my father.” I felt Alex stiffen beside me as I watched comprehension and sadness cross my father’s features. “I’m sorry…” I whispered, not really sure who I was actually apologising to. My dad nodded, turning around to face Sidney.

“He didn’t know… so… he’s not using anyone…” He said slowly, directing his words at Sidney - who’s face was now a deep shade of angry red. He turned back around and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You’re mom wants you to stop by the hotel sometime tonight, alright?” I nodded slowly as he turned around, motioning for the rest of the guys to head out.

We stood there, hand in hand, watching them disappear before either one of us said anything. “Alex…” I whispered softly, breaking the silence as I turned towards him. “I’m so sorry I know I should have-”

“Why was he so mad?”

“Who?”

“Sidney… why was he so mad that you were with me?” I sighed softly, hoping that Alex wouldn’t have picked up on that. “You had a thing?” He asked, answering his own question.

“Not really…” I sighed again, reaching out for his other hand. “Not like this anyway.” He nodded slowly. “Not like this.” I said again, firmer this time as I closed the gap between us.

“Did you use me… to piss him off?”

“No!” I yelled, reaching out for him. “Sidney had nothing to do with this Alex…”

He dropped my hand and staggered back a step. “I need to go… I need to think about this-” He brought his hands up, running them through his damp hair. Suddenly, his calm demeanour broke. “What else did you lie about? Fuck Jespin! I didn’t even know your last name!”

“I know… I know, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know… what else did you lie about?”

“Nothing! Alex listen.. Anything that I ever said about us, or about the way I feel about you… that was all true.” He turned around and headed down the hallway, not waiting for my explanation; leaving me stunned. “Alex… no, wait!” I cried out, taking off after him. “Please, I know I should have told you but… I didn’t- I just wanted-” I groaned, internally cursing myself for being so stupid. He shook his head, refusing to look up at me; turning around and taking off again. “Please! Alex… I love you.”

He stopped walking, his hands on the handle of the emergency exit. I heard him exhale loudly, his body noticeably dropping as he looked back over his shoulder at me. “A few minutes ago I would have believed that… a few minutes ago, that would have meant the world to me…” he said softly, before pushing the door open and letting it slam shut behind him.

I stood alone in the hallway, hot tears cascading down my face as I stared after him, feeling like a complete traitor. What now?
Alex was mad at me because I lied to him, Sidney because he felt cheated, Dad because I hurt him. In a few minutes I had managed to chase everyone that mattered out of my life. What now?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol


Jealousy. How did I not see that one coming? I had been used for money, used for fame, and used for a free ride. Why not jealousy? Why wouldn’t someone use me for something that simple?
I felt angry tears stream down my face as I raced through the dark streets, paying no heed to traffic lights as the night passed by in a blur.
It was pretty simple why I didn’t see it coming; I trusted her. I fucking trusted her and she lied to me; it felt like blatant treachery.
She lied to me about everything, and I was stupid enough to believe her; stupid enough to want to believe her.

I should have seen the signs, I should have known. I wasn’t good enough to deserve someone’s love; and yet I fell into her trap, I allowed her to use me.
And Crosby had her first. Out of every single guy in the whole world it had to be fucking Crosby.
I yelled, slamming my hands down on the steering wheel as I hit the break. I pulled off in front of a bridge, stepping out into the rain after wrenching the keys out of the ignition.

I jogged out onto the overpass, not stopping until I reached the middle. I leaned over the edge, resting my face in my hands as I allowed the truth to wash over me.
The worse part was that I still loved her, no matter how much I denied it, I knew it was true. Jespin was the first person I had ever trusted since Sergei died, the first person I had allowed myself to become attached to; the one person that had made me feel good, for the first time in forever.

And it was all a sick joke now. I had hidden the truth and kept my feelings inside, to protect her, and she had been lying the whole time.

It was nothing that I didn’t deserve, nothing that I hadn’t earned. “Is this what you wanted?” I screamed at nothing in particular. “Is this what I get? Karma? I take his life and you take the only thing that matters to me?” I let out an angry hiss as the tears began to fall again. “I fucking lost him too! Even if it was my fault, I had to live without him… I had to live my life knowing what I did!”

I shook my head, taking a deep breath as sobs began to rock through me. “Not her…” I choked out. “Please God, if you exist… take anything… but don’t fucking take her.”
There wasn’t even anything productive I could do. This was her, she was the one that had chosen to lie to me; she was the one that used me to get Crosby jealous.
I wonder if it worked. I wonder if she was with him right now, laughing with him, touching him.

I wanted to kill him. I wanted to punch him in his over-rated head until I felt better.
It didn’t even matter any more what people said about us as competitors, I knew the truth now. Even if I could beat him on the ice, he’d already won. He had Jespin, she loved him and not me.
She had probably always loved him; it wasn’t like I could blame her, what girl didn’t want Sid the Kid? The fucking wonder boy.

In that moment, my mind tried to force her memory out, but my heart clutched on to it. With each word, smile, touch, kiss, laugh that I remembered; my body fought against itself, forcing her out; inadvertently pushing her down deeper inside of me.

I made up my mind. She had made her decision and I wouldn’t punish her for it, I had lied to her too; even if I had lied for different reasons.
Crosby could have her, he could do whatever he wanted with her; after all, she wanted him, so why would I try to stop it?
Fuck, if he wanted the Stanley Cup he could take that too, it didn’t matter anymore.

Not without her.

#43 - Wardrobe

The Real Thing - Gwen


“Ugh! What do you want?” I groaned, trying my best to mask the smile in my voice as Alex jumped on top of me.
I was wrapped up tightly in the blankets of the bed, unable to move as his body weight spread out across me.
It was a lazy day off - a rarity as of late - and I was looking forward to spending the entire day in this same position. Nothing but my Pjs, some junk food, old movies and possibly Alex; as long as he promised not to mention the word ’hockey’ to me.

“It’s my bed…” He reminded me as he sat up and tugged at the blankets. “I don’t need an excuse to be here. Now, you on the other hand…” He chuckled, finally finding a chink in my bedspread armour; wedging his way in beside me.
His legs entwined with mine as his arms enfolded me, squeezing me against his warm chest. I smiled to myself, unable to hide the feeling of giddiness that washed through me every time he held me like this. “So… do I have the pleasure of your company all day?”

“Mmm… that depends…” I turned slightly to grin at him. “Are you planning on pissing me off today?”
He sighed, pulling his face into a look of deep concentration; as if seriously trying to figure out the answer to that question. I started to laugh as he grimaced, “should I go grab you the magic 8 ball or…”

Rolling his eyes, his grinned; bending his head down to brush his lips against the side of my face. “I want you to stay… if that means I have to take a vow of silence for the rest of the day… I will.”

“Hmm… you… not talking?” I stared incredulity at him, allowing my mouth to fall open slightly. “I’m liking the sound of that!”

He grunted as he started to roll away from me, reaching for the bedside table. “Ugh! Alex, you’re breaking up my cocoon!” I whined as his movements caused cool air to find me; sending goosebumps down my exposed skin.

He laughed in response, rummaging around through the drawer some more before rolling back into me. Grinning he held up the magic 8 ball in his free hand. I rolled my eyes in retort; for someone who was so sure of himself, he sure liked to use that stupid thing a lot. “Will I get laid… right now?” He asked in a mystical voice, shaking the fortune-teller in his hands.

“Shouldn’t you be asking me that?” I asked smugly, causing him to snort.

He stopped shaking and held the tiny writing towards him. “Wicked!” He smiled, tossing the ball down towards our feet. “Outlook good…” he said confidently, rolling back on top of me.
I started to laugh, fully intending to push him away and give him a hard time; but I couldn’t - not when I saw the sincere look of contentment that was on his face.

He brought his lips down to mine; his movements languid and relaxed as he shifted on top of me. I sighed into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and gently twining my finger through his hair.
“Ya lyublyu tebya…“ He mumbled softly against my lips, causing me to move my lips off of his.

“What does that mean?” I asked, curiously as he pulled back to stare down at me. “You’ve been saying that a lot the past couple days.”

He didn’t answer me, looking away instead; leading me to assume that it was something horrible, something he didn’t want me to know he was saying. “It’s nothing.” He finally said turning back to face me. “Sometimes… I don’t even know I’m saying it most of the time… it’s just a Russian thing, no big deal.” He shrugged, giving me a small smile.
I wanted to believe him, but there was something else in his face that made me want to press deeper; a burning that shone intently in his eyes.

I knew that I could have argued with him, could have gotten him to tell me - or at least I liked to think so. I didn’t want to fight though; today was a day for relaxing and enjoying each others company - not arguing.


He wanted to go downstairs and watch Sports Center, I refused; our compromise ended up being us on the couch - me still wrapped tightly in his comforter. He laughed as he watched high lights of himself, and all I could do was roll my eyes. “You’re the most vain person I’ve ever seen… you know that right?”

“With looks like this? Of course, if you looked like this, you’d be the same way.”

I sighed, a grin spreading across my face. “Well, if I ever get in some kind of horrible freak accident and become disfigured, I’ll let you know.” His mouth fell open as he looked down at me, laughing.

“Oh so, I’m vain for watching myself on TV? I hate to see what’s going to happen to you…” He grinned nodding towards the television.

I laughed and looked over, the colour draining off my face as I saw myself hugging Alex in the locker-room after his win against the Penguins in game two. “Oh shit…” I breathed, sitting up to get a better view.

The picture changed and the reporters went on talking like the world hadn’t just ended. “I know… I told you I’m way better looking than you!”

“My dad… my dad watches Sports Center…” I managed to choke out, tearing my eyes away from the TV to look at him.

He shrugged. “You’re dad also almost caught us having sex… I think that’s worse than this. Besides, he knows you have a boyfriend… is he really going to be that mad that you’re dating a Capital?”

I had two options. Either pretend like this didn’t matter, or tell him the truth.
I wanted to tell him the truth, I hated lying to him and I loved him, it felt foolish to hide anymore; but there was always the chance he’d be so mad that he’d leave me.
Pretending seemed like a - holy shit. Did I seriously just think that? Did I seriously just admit that I loved Alex Ovechkin?
I took a gasp of air, turning to look him in the eye. “You’re right… I’m just being silly.” I said finally as his eyes began to fill with concern.

“You sure?” I nodded, leaning over to kiss him gently on the lips, feeling his worry melt away as his tongue swept through my mouth. “Mmm… what were we talking about?” He asked quietly as I laid back down.

“I think you were talking about how fantastic you were…” I giggled, trying to forget about the image of myself on TV.

He nodded seriously. “Yah, that sounds about right…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson


“We should go away somewhere… seriously… just take off.” I commented as we laid on the couch that night, enjoying our last night of stress-free relaxation.

“Where?” She asked, yawning slightly as glanced over at me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know… south.”

“You might need to be more specific than that.” She giggled, stretching her arms out above her head.
On reflex I jabbed my fingers into her side, causing her to squeal as I ruined her stretch. “Jerk…” She grinned once I finally let her go.

“You know… I can’t deal with that.” I said, shaking my head as I pointed at her shirt.

“Why, you don’t like mad Max?” She said, giving me an evil grin as she rubbed her hands down the ratty Talbot shirt she was wearing.

I shook my head, trying to look like I was seriously thinking about it. “No I don’t think I do…” I snapped out with my hands, my good reflexes beating her to her shirt. I grabbed at the flimsy fabric and pulled; careful enough to not hurt her.
The old cotton gave way under my hands, ripping open easily.

“Why do you always rip my shirts?!” She whined as I tugged the white shirt off of her. I laughed as I continued to tear it.

“There.” I said once it was completely demolished, throwing it down on the floor. “You look better like that anyway.” I added, nodding towards the white lace bra she was wearing.

“Gee, thanks.” She pouted, causing me to laugh as I grabbed onto her, pulling her down into my lap. Her stomach began to growl loudly and we both laughed. “Are you hungry?”

I nodded, allowing her to get up. “Wanna just go get some take-out?” I asked as I watched her head for the stairs.

“Sure, let me grab another shirt…” She laughed as she disappeared.


I was in the garage, leaning against the hood of the Lamborghini when Jespin found me. I glanced up as she walked down the garage stairs, wearing a short skirt and a fitted sweater.
She smiled at me as she moved to walk past me, aiming for the passengers’ side; she didn’t make it.

Something about seeing her long, smooth legs moving past me; had my mind completely discarding the idea of food. She sighed loudly as I pushed her down onto the hood. “I knew it! I seriously knew that I shouldn’t have worn a skirt…” She laughed as I stepped in between her legs, pulling myself out of my jeans.
I bent her forward until she was on her tip-toes; grabbing at the hood for support as my hands started to travel.
I slapped her roughly on her bare thigh as my other hand moved around to her front, gently rubbing my clit through the tiny cotton underwear she had on. I listened to her let out a quiet purr as her wetness began to dampen the material that was still covering her pink flesh. I grinned, slapping her ass hard before I kicked her legs open wide.
She started to whine with pleasure as I roughly pushed the blue cotton aside and pressed myself inside of her; grabbing onto her hair and tugging, until she was arched up against me.
She let out a loud cry as I filled her completely. “You like that baby?” I grunted as she murmured an incomprehensible string of words. “I can’t hear you Jes… tell me how much you like it.”

I started to slow down, taking long languid thrusts as I waited for her to comply. Normally I didn’t have the will power to hold off and tease her like this; but she was full clothed and I couldn’t see her facial expression - that helped a lot. “Alex no!” She whined, pushing her body back towards me.

“Tell me that you love it.” I grinned, coming to a complete halt as I cocked my head to the side, waiting.

She managed - with a dancers body - to turn around, moving her leg over my head until she was facing me; with me still inside of her.
She grabbed onto my shirt and pulled me towards her as she sat down on the yellow hood. “I love it when you fuck me, now fuck me.” She demanded in a seductive growl, biting onto my bottom lip as I groaned.
So much for teasing… I thought for a fraction of a second, before I shrugged my shoulders, deciding to oblige her.

#42 - Coward

Hope For The Fallen Man - Relient K


After another win, the energy in the locker-room was contagious. Even Jespin was smiling as she enfolded me in her arms.
The guys were celebrating and making plans for our last night in Washington. We were heading to Pittsburgh for the next two games, but I could think of much better things to do with my last night at home. “Let’s get out of here…” I whispered to Jes, inhaling her sweet scent as I kissed the side of her head.

“You don’t want to go out with them?” I shook my head earnestly. I had become a party-pooper as of late.
Normally I was the first person out and the last person to leave; but all that had changed. I use to love the attention that I got everywhere we went, but now there was only one person that I needed attention from.
Knowing that Jespin was the only one I wanted, I almost dreaded going out. I had a tendency of getting jealous of everyone that was around us; anyone that looked at her or anyone that took her attention away from me.
I didn’t need her like a desperately clingy child; it was more of a certainty thing. I wanted Jespin forever; for every day of forever, and I had no use for other people any longer.

Jespin didn’t argue with me or try to stop me as I grabbed her arm, sneaking out the locker-room before anyone saw us. “So do I get to meet your dad?” I asked, remembering for the first time that he was somewhere in Washington to watch the game.

“Umm… he’s going to be leaving soon so… I don’t know…” She said slowly, I nodded, not totally upset.
I was looking forward to just going home with her and enjoying some alone time before we had to leave. “Congrats on the win, by the way…” She smirked as we reached the parking lot.

“Yah… I am pretty fantastic.” I agreed, opening the passenger door for her.

I walked around the front of the Hummer and climbed in the driver’s side. “Um, that’s not what I said…” She laughed as I looked over at her.

“It’s not?”

She laughed loudly, rolling her eyes. “No, not quite…”



We had lost our first game in Pittsburgh, our first loss of the series. The games sat at two for us, one for them; but I still wasn’t worried.
I knew that I was better than the Penguins; I knew that we were better than the Penguins. We had another game left here before we headed back home, and I was determined to win it.

Jespin had been disappearing a lot, spending time with her mother and father while I ran over drills and plays with the team and coaching staff. I was glad that she had something to distract her from this, and glad that she didn’t have to be alone; but I still missed her terribly.
I had gotten so use to her seeing her around the ice all the time, it was hard knowing she wasn't there to support me.

“So everything going good in paradise?” Feds asked as he started to undress beside me.

“Yah.” I grinned, as I allowed my mind to wander off. He didn’t press me for any more information, thankfully.
I thought about Jespin the entire time I got ready, wondering if I’d be able to see her tonight.
I didn’t want to take her away from her family, but I needed her too - especially going into this game tomorrow.

I gave her cell a call, getting no answer. I flipped through my contact list until I found her home phone number, giving it a try. “Hello?” A little girl answered.

“Hi, is Jespin there?” I asked, smiling as I tried to picture a tiny Jespin.

“Umm… yes she is, may I ask who is speaking?” She asked professionally, probably regurgitating the direct way her parents taught her.

“Sure, just let her know it’s Alex.”

“Ok… JESPIN THERE’S A ALEX ON THE PHONE!” She screamed, not bothering to pull her face away from the mouthpiece.

“Alex?” Jespin asked a few seconds later, evidently taking the phone away from her little sister.

“Hey babe! Can you come to the hotel tonight?” I asked quickly, unable to put on any kind of pretence.

“Ugh! I really want to but I’m kind of stuck babysitting… mom and dad are gone out on a ’date’ and Lauren left me. Austin's here but he’s not really…” She sighed, trailing off as the sound of something shattering came from somewhere behind her.

“Can I come over for a bit… or…?” I bit my lip, regretting putting her in that position.

She sighed again, and I could tell she didn’t know what to do. “Alright. Just for a bit, and only because I miss you.” She said quietly, causing me to grin.


Almost an hour later I was pulling up in front of a massive mansion surrounded by a huge yard. I shook my head as I got out of the cab, paying the driver before I jogged up the walk.
She opened the door before I had to knock, jumping into my arms with a grin. I sighed as I lifted her off the ground, taking a few steps through the colossal double doors. “So I assumed your parents had money but… fuck. What does your dad do again?”

“Old money.” She said quickly, pulling me up the stairs to her room.

“Where is everyone?” I asked as I followed her down the dimly lit, empty hallway.

She giggled as she led me through an open door into a big, expensively decorated bedroom. “I gave Austin money and sent him to the friend's, and my little sister is sleeping.” She explained as she flopped down on the bed.

I walked around the room, staring at all the pictures and posters that were on the walls.
“Who’s that?” I asked as I pointed to one girl that kept reappearing in pictures that spanned the years.

“Beth, my best friend. Or, was my best friend… we don’t talk a lot anymore… not since I moved.”

I nodded in understanding. “Yah, distance can do that to people.” I said softly, moving on to the shit ton of dance trophies in the corner. “Whoa! So you’re actually a good dancer…” I quipped, turning around the grin at her.

“Oh… yah…” She hopped off the bed quickly and grabbed onto my arm, pulling me away from the trophies before I could read the labels. “Wanna see?” She grinned mischievously as she pushed me down on the bed.

From her tone of voice, I had an idea of what she was getting at. I laid back, propping myself up on my elbows as her body began to sway.
In a matter of minutes she was pulling off clothing, all the blood in my body rushing south with due haste.
I watched her until I couldn’t stand it anymore; reaching out for her and grabbing onto her arms.
I shoved her backwards roughly onto the bed. She grinned up at me through her eyelashes, her perfect teeth dragging along her bottom lips; pouting. “Fuck” I groaned quietly, climbing onto the edge of the bed, pulling her legs open and trying to remain as silent as possible.
My right hand grabbed onto the thin layer of black lace; the only thing that was left on her. I pulled them off in one quick move before taking a step backwards.
Standing up at the end of the bed I fumbled with my own pants, shoving them down to my ankles before moving back to Jespin.

I grabbed her thighs and pulled them wide, tugging her down to the end of the bed. I bent down, digging my teeth into her stomach as she whimpered; her hands slamming down on my back - nails digging into my skin.
It was like a new game; pleasure and pain. The goal was to stay as quiet as possible, no matter what.

I moved down, tracing my tongue around the Y of pussy that was now in front of me. Gasping, her legs opened further, imploring me forward; welcoming me into the warm wetness that was already beginning to seep out of her.
I grinned to myself, plunging my fingers into her as deep as they’d go, while I drew a figure ’8’ around her clit; causing her to push herself against me.
I did - one of the many things that I did great - brining her off effortlessly before flipping her onto her stomach, grabbing at her hips and pulling her back up to me.


When I was completely spent I fell down on the bed beside her, both of us laughing quietly as our heart-rates returned to normal.
I was almost asleep when I heard a car door slam. Jespin gasped beside me and sat up, snapping her head around the see the time. “How the fuck is it one AM?!” She moaned, the front door opening downstairs, voices carrying up to where we were.

I hurriedly grabbed my clothing, tugging the different pieces on as I began to laugh again. “Don’t make me laugh!” She grinned. “I can’t believe I’m sneaking you out… oh god.”

“I feel like a rebel.” I chuckled. “Although, I never thought I’d be afraid of my girlfriends parents at the age of 23.” She rolled her eyes and gasped as foot steps moved towards her door.
I dropped down on the floor and rolled under her bed as she jumped onto the mattress above me and gathered the sheets around her.

“Hey babe.” Her dad said as he opened the door. “Did you have a good… are you naked?”

I suppressed a snort as I heard Jespin go ridged. “Umm… yah… it was really hot in here…”

“Why are your clothes everywhere? Actually, forget I asked… I don’t wanna know.” He laughed. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning… I love you.”

“Love you too dad. Tell mom I said goodnight.”

I heard the door close and I rolled out from under the bed, grinning at Jespin as she looked down at me. “Come here.” I whispered signalling for her to come off the bed.

“No! Alex… you have to go… I’ll drive you back to the hotel.” She whispered, getting off the bed.
I reached out and grabbed her leg, accidentally tripping her. She landed with a loud thump on the floor beside me; laughing softly.

“Are you ok in there?” Her dad yelled from the hallway.

“Yah. Fine. I just… fell off the bed.” She giggled, covering her face with her hands.

“Umm… you know, for someone who’s been in dancing since they were three… you’re awful clumsy.” Came the muffled reply, from the other side of the door.

x x x


The Scientists - Coldplay


The reporters were calling this the greatest series ever played. I was leading the Capitals and Crosby was heading the Penguins; together we were racking up the points, but I was finally showing the world what I already knew. I was better than Sidney Crosby. I knew it, and now they did too.

We lost our last game in Pittsburgh, and even though Greener couldn’t seem to shut Crosby down, it didn’t matter; I was untouchable.
Even on our bad games, I was still on.

I felt on top of the world, in a way I had never known before; in a way I never thought possible.
I had it all, but for the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of losing it either.

I was making a run for the most sought-after trophy in the hockey world. I was doing amazing personally, and we were doing well as a team. On top of all that, I had someone to share my victories with.
For the first time in my life I felt like I had a soft place to land; someone that finally understood me.
Of course I was stilling hiding the worst of myself from her, but what else could I do? I wasn’t willing to risk loosing her.
The best part, was the thought of winning the Cup for her; bringing it home to share it with her. The victory would be that much sweeter because her arms would be waiting for me at the end of the day; knowing that, made all the difference in the world.

I still felt the pressures of the world on me; the critics, reporters, owners, coaches, fans - the weight just felt more distributed, more manageable.
I glanced at Jespin as she laid beside me, her head nestled into my shoulder as the plane flew silently through the night.

Whatever came over the next few days, even on the off chance that we didn’t knock the Pens out, I knew that I was going to be ok. I had Jespin, and that was more important than anything else.
She murmured in her sleep and I chuckled as I pulled her closer, resting my chin on the top of her head. “You’re so beautiful…” I whispered, glancing around to make sure none of the guys were paying attention to me.
“Jespin…” I whispered softly into her hair, gently running my fingers through it as she slept. “I love you. I love you and I’m sorry I’m too much of a coward to tell you that…”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I had always been hiding two things from Jespin; the very worst and the very best of myself.
The worst parts of me that covered my hands in blood, and the best that ratified everything good I had ever done in my life.

#41 - Differences

Pretty Girl - DRH ---> I seriously love this song! I wanted to use it somewhere so I swung this update around to try and make it fit... hope you like it!


I had no idea what was going on with Jespin; what could possible cause her to react that way - to anything.
Sure she was stubborn and horribly frustrating but at the same time; she was usually more rational than that.
Whatever it had been, it seemed to be in the past now; at least I hoped it was; I hated seeing her in pain.

I had a photo-shoot with SI before the start of the series, and Jespin was beside me, riding shotgun as I cruised through the streets of downtown Washington. She was smiling and chatting away as I listened along, searching for a hint of sadness in her voice; there was none.


“Alright Alex, I think that’s gonna be it. Good luck with the series… hopefully you’ll be bringing the cup home for us.” I grinned as I moved away from the models around me to shake hands with the photographer, Adam.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I chuckled, grabbing a water bottle off the nearby table and making my way over to Jespin.
She was leaning back against the wall in the far corner, her arms folded protectively over her chest; self-consciously.
She didn’t notice me as I made my way to her, causing me to grin more. She looked beautiful, the lights above her illuminated her skin; giving it a mysterious glow as she shifted back and forth below them.
She was focused on something, her face creased with worry. I stopped walking and turned to follow her line of sight.

The blond, interchangeable models were laughing as they headed off the set; still dressed in their tiny, tight outfits.
I glanced over at Jespin and then once more at the girl, comprehension finally dawning on me. Could she really be worried about them? She’s way prettier than any of those girls…
I guess it only made sense for Jespin to be worried about it though, for whatever reason she seemed to be under the impression that she was something other than perfect.

I didn’t say anything as I walked up beside her. She was so focused on her own thoughts that she didn’t notice me as I bent down, planting a firm kiss on her cheek. “Oh!” She jumped, colour flooding her face as she looked up at me. “I didn’t see you there.”

“I noticed… you ok?” She nodded, like she always did, even in times like this; when there was clearly something wrong.
I set the water bottle down beside her before I wrapped one arm around her waist, tugging her towards me. My other hand sliding underneath her hair to grasp the back of her neck.
I pulled her face towards mine, kissing her passionately. I expected her to push me away but she didn’t, instead she answered with just as much enthusiasm; sending shivers through my body. “You’re beautiful…” I said gently as I finally pulled away, conscious of the effect she had on my body and the fact that we weren’t alone. “We have to get going.” I added when she didn’t say anything.

“You don’t need to tell me that.”

I tilted my head, not releasing my grip on her. “I don’t have to tell you what?”

“You don’t need to say those things to me…” She said quietly, blushing as she looked away.

I rolled my eyes. “You know what… you’re just as foolish as you are beautiful… and that’s a lot.” I let out an airy laugh, unable to fathom her words. She sighed, looking away from me; back in the direction that the models had exited. “You jealous?”

“No… not jealous.”

She had a fire in her eye, something familiar, something I’d seen the night before. Adding up her reaction to the other women and the emotional flip out of last night; things were starting to come together. “Jes… you know that I think you’re perfect, right? I love everything about you, everything. It doesn’t matter how you see yourself because well… you’re delusional.”

“Alex, I’m not delusional, and I’m not blind either.” She added, causing me to laugh.

“Jespin seriously… look at you.”

“I’d rather not.”

I rolled my eyes, unable to stop laughing. I could tell she was getting annoyed but it didn’t matter; she was being ridiculous.
I finally managed to calm myself down enough to hide my smile. “To think for one second, that you could possibly be anything less that breath-taking… frankly, is an insult to me and my fantastic taste.” I said genuinely, forcing her to look me in the eye.
In this second, there was nothing I wanted more than to tell her that I loved her, but I couldn’t.
I knew if I allowed myself to admit out loud what I already knew; I would lose everything. I needed to keep myself together, keep my feelings inside in order to protect her.
There had to be another way to make her realize what everyone else could clearly see. “Why don’t you believe me? You think I’m just with you for fun?”

She shrugged, biting her lip. “Why are you with me?”

Because I love you. “Because you’re everything Jes. Look, I‘m a nice guy but let‘s face it… I‘m not nice enough to date a charity case. If I wasn‘t attracted to you one-hundred percent, than I wouldn‘t be here.”

She nodded slowly, finally allowing me to move her away from the wall - we walked arm and arm towards the exit. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather that?” She asked quietly as we passed some more of the SI models.

“Positive. Why have that when you can have the best?” She chortled quietly and I shook my head. “You’ve seen my ex girlfriends Jes, you know I’ve already been down that avenue, I’m not going back.
You’re just stuck with me now… so get use to it.” She finally cracked a grin and leaned into me.
I sighed, kissing the top of her head as we reached my car. I would probably never get use to the fact that Jespin didn’t see herself the way I did; but maybe it was for the best. After all, if she knew how I actually viewed her, she’d realize just how much I needed her; and my dependency was a dangerous thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over My Head - The Fray(Cover)


Washington had won the first game of the serious, and I was conflicted. I had spent my entire life always cheering for the Penguins. They were my dad’s team, my family’s team, Sidney’s team, and I had always assumed that they were my team by default.
Watching the Capitals win was something else entirely. It felt like they were really my team; like I was actually part of it.
I was only a medical intern, but it felt like I had spent so long watching them fight for every win. I wanted them to win this, as horrible as that was.
I wanted to watch my team, the team that I was part of, win the games and take home the Cup.

Even though Sidney and I had made up after our fight and were back on a semi-good basis; I felt guilty again for cheering against him.
I almost felt like I needed to apologise, even though that was foolish. I knew if I went to see him I would never tell him that I was actually cheering for the Caps whole-heartedly, but I still felt compelled to wish him luck.

I headed through the visitor’s halls, searching for Sidney. Some of the guys were already out in the hall stretching and they waved to me as I headed by.
I finally saw Sidney through the locker-room window. He was sitting by himself taping his stick.

“Hey Sidney…” I said slowly as I pushed the door open. His hands stopped moving as his eyes snapped up to meet my gaze. “Oh… umm…” I began, trying to backtrack; I probably should have assumed that he was already in game mode.

“Get out.” He hissed, never taking his eyes away from me.

“What?” He was always crabby before the games but, he’d never bossed me around before.

“You can’t be in here wearing that. You need to get out.” I glanced down at my shirt and realized that I had probably just screwed with some random superstition he had. I opened my mouth to apologise and I backed towards the door. “I don’t have time for you right now Jespin! I’m trying to get ready for a game here. We need to win! … if it‘s the last thing I do… I‘m getting that Cup… and I need to get the fucking Capitals out of my way first!” He spat, causing me to shrink back as he ran a hand through his messy hair. “I don’t mean… ugh. I’m sorry ok, I just can’t deal with anything else right now.” He looked mildly deranged as his eyes bounced back and forth between my shirt and my face.


In truth, I really didn‘t need to get him worked up like this, and I knew better. There was just something forcing me onward; like his superstition was not directed at me. I was a member of the Capitals and he didn’t want to deal with me because of that. In a fit of childish immaturity I snapped. “Right… cause of hockey.” I drawled sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

“Jespin, I’m a hockey player! This is what I do! The Stanley Cup is like… the holy grail of my life… I need to win this… can’t you understand that?”

“Sure… I was just coming in to wish you good luck anyway.” I turned around and left back the way I had come in. I gave a few hugs as I headed down the hall, getting more and more angry as I did so.
No one else had a problem with what I was wearing. I sighed as I reached the Capital’s locker-room, pushing the door open and walking through.

I didn’t even feel like it had anything to do with what I was wearing; Sidney was being insane because of his insistent need to win the Stanley Cup. That in itself wasn’t wrong; it was that way for most guys in the NHL, their number one goal in life.
But they all had lives. They didn’t sit around and feel the need to wait for the giant silver trophy before they actually moved forward with anything else. Maybe it had always been an excuse.
Maybe Sidney wanted those model girls and I had been foolish to think he was interested in me. Maybe he just wanted me because he wanted to date Mario Lemieux’s daughter, right now, that wouldn’t surprise me.

All my emotions seemed to come pouring out of me; like someone had opened the flood gates.
All of a sudden it wasn’t about Sidney and his superstitions, it was about me not being good enough for him. No forget about him, it was about me, not being good enough for Alex.

A couple days ago I had seen those girls fawning over him; and even though he was only reciprocating it for the pictures - those girls would probably date him in a second.
I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t good enough for Sidney - not that that part mattered.

I continued to storm around aimlessly, throwing open one of the medical room doors and walking through, sighing. “Oh sorry, I didn’t know you were in here…” I groaned as Alex turned around. I sighed again, biting my lip as I waited for him to freak out too; why not?

“No problem.” Alex said gently as he smiled at me from across the room. “You ok?”

“Umm… yah, why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged, setting his freshly taped stick down on the examining table, before walking the length of the room towards me. “You look upset. Anything you want to talk about?”

I stared at him in bewilderment, unsure of how to continue. “Shouldn’t you be… getting ready for the game?”

He shrugged, “I’ll be ready later… you look like you need to talk now.”

I laughed slightly, shaking my head as I thought about my conversation with Sidney, just minutes before. “I’m actually… doing better now, surprisingly. Don’t worry about it… you need to get ready for the game.”

“More important things than hockey, you know?” He grinned, causing an unexplainable lump to rise in my throat. I nodded, smiling slightly as I did.

“Yah… I know.” He bent over and his lips began to slid along mine; moving together in a gently rhythm as his arms surrounded me.
After what felt like an eternity, or a few seconds, I pulled away. “Good luck tonight.” I said quietly, not letting go of him.

“I’ll see you after…” He whispered back, kissing my forehead as Boudreaux’s voice boomed through the hallways, ordering the players into the room.

I watched him go, glancing over his shoulder at me and grinning before he disappeared through the door. I sighed to myself hopping up on the table and lying down on my back.
My thoughts were a jumbled mess and I simply didn’t have the energy to sort them out.

#40 - Changing Views

You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol


“Merde! Sorry Sidney… I wasn’t watching… and since when did TK learn how to shoot?” I glanced over at Flower as he apologised to me again, his thin fingers clicked away at the buttons on his PSP.
Apparently he didn’t realize that I wasn’t playing attention either.

I sighed, looking back down at the tiny LSD screen, just in time to see myself get gunned down by Talbot. I set the small black console down onto the tray in front of me, leaning back into my spacious airplane seat; perks of playing in the NHL - comfortable seats. “Jesus Sidney! Thought you’d be more excited to get to Washington… I mean, if anyone needs to get laid, it’s you.” Max’s voice carried loudly through the plane, causing me to groan as I felt Mario shift in the seat in front of me.

“Shut up Max.” I said hastily, running a hand through my over-gelled, brown hair.

“What!? I thought you and Jes were finally… you know…” I sighed and turned my attention to the clouds below; peering out my window with an unreasonable interest. “Sid?” Max pressed, earning the attention of everyone within ear shot - and when you’re Max Talbot, ear shot happens to encompass the total plane.

I bit my lip, regretting having put this conversation off until this moment. I took a deep breath; wondering how bad the guys were going to poke at me for this; or even worse, how nice they were going to be because of this.
It was one thing for them to laugh at me, another to realize just how upset I was and try to console me. If there is one thing French men can’t do, it’s console. “Jespin’s dating a boy from Washington” Mario answered for me; the tone of his voice leaving no room for further discussion, as he relayed the information we had both received last night.

It almost hurt to hear it from him. When Jespin had called last night to let me know what was going on, it didn’t seem so bad. After all, she was only dating this guy because I told her to; he didn’t have anything on me, I knew in my heart he couldn’t compare.
And not just because of the money or the fame; but because of who I was to her. Her family loved me, especially her father, and I knew her better than anyone, she was like a sister to me - in a non-incestual way.
The idea of her being with someone else didn’t effect me like how it should have - or how I had expected it to.
There was just something in the way it sounded coming out of Mario; so real, so blunt, so final.

At least I was going to see her; even if that meant playing Washington and dealing with Ovechkin. I had honestly thought that they were going to get put out by the Rangers, but they came back to win it in the end.
Now we were playing them; playing them for a spot in the finals… a spot I'd rather die than let Ovechkin take from me.



“Jes!” I shouted, causing her to jump as I jogged towards her through the hotel lobby. I caught her in my arms and spun her around. She laughed as I put her back on her feet, her green eyes shinning with happiness as the rest of the team started drifting towards us. “How have you been? You look great!”

“Thanks! And… I’ve been good… how was your trip?”

“Nothing special-” I began to explain as Jordan cut me off.

“Where’s your new boy-toy at? Max and I are gonna let him know who he’s dealing with, show him what‘s gonna happen if he messes around on ya.” He grinned as I rolled my eyes.

Jespin giggled again. “Well, as interesting as that would be to watch… I figured I would put off introducing you all till… well… never.”

“Ouch! Is he that ugly?” Max quipped, pulling her into a hug.

“No but, I don’t want him to have to stand beside you… we all know that no one can compare to you.” She said patently, causing Max to grin triumphantly as he turned around to face me.

“Jessie!” Mario cooed before I could say anything to wipe the dumb look of Max’s face.
She ran into her father’s waiting arms, throwing herself at him as they rocked back and forth in a warm embrace. Mario talked to her softly for a few minutes, a conversation that I really should have tuned out. “Is he taking care of you? He’s good to you? You’re happy?”
She nodded mutely, never pulling away as he rattled off a long list of questions. I waited around, not wanting to loose the few precious moments I had with her.
Finally, after being called away, Mario left; giving me a small smile as he did so. Jespin turned around and headed back to me, pushing me gently in the arm.

“So what’s your plan for tonight?” She asked casually, following after me as I headed for the elevator.

I shrugged. “I don’t really have any plans, what did you have in mind, or, are you… busy?” She shook her head, giving me a weak smile. “He won’t mind if you’re here?” I added, trying to fish for information without actually asking anything about him.

“He has some things that he needed to do anyway… for… work.” She hastily, causing me to laugh.

“Sneaking out to hang out with me? You shouldn’t have…”

“I’m not.” She snapped, exhaling loudly before the lines of her face relaxed. “Sorry, I mean… I didn’t come here, not for anything that would be inappropriate.”

“Jes. I know.” I said quickly, my brow furrowing with stress as I glanced at her. “I know that’s not why you’re here… I was kidding.”

“I know. Sorry… just… stressed out about playoffs I guess.” She said unconvincingly.

I shrugged, figuring it was better to forget about the conversation than pressure her on it. I didn’t particularly feel like talking about him anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Freshman - The Verve Pipe(Cover)


I was planning on stopping off at the hotel to see everyone - especially dad - but somehow I had forgotten about Sidney.
Alex knew where I was, I told him that my dad really liked hockey and was coming down to watch the Pens play; he was mildly impressed that my dad would follow a team, but he didn’t think anything strange about it.
I had, however, completely forgot that Sidney was going to be here. I wasn’t really sure how that happened, but it did, and now I felt horrible.

I felt bad because Alex had no idea that Sidney was here; that I was in his room, spending time with him.
Even if we weren’t alone, and even if we weren’t doing anything bad, I still felt guilt ridden.
Of course Alex still text'd me lots through out the night; keeping me happy and anxious at the same time. I truly missed him, as lame as that seemed.
I had been with him only a few hours before; spending time with him before his evening practice and team meeting.

“So Jes… sex good?” Max asked, as casually as a normal person would ask about the weather.

I glowered at him. “Horrible. Unless we’re comparing it to your performance? If we are, it’s fantastic.”
The guys began to howl with laughter all around me, even Max couldn’t help but grin sheepishly at me before turning his attention back to the movie.
The only set of eyes that lingered on me were a pair of chocolate brown ones; full of realization and anger. I made eye contact with Sidney, trying to give him a reassuring smile as his gaze intensified.

Leave it to Sidney to assume that I would never touch another man. I mean, obviously I didn’t want him to know about my sex life; but still, the fact that he’d assume I wouldn’t touch my boyfriend? That was a little much.
I tried to pretend that I couldn’t see him watching me as I gazed in the direction of the TV set; not caring for the first time that TK’s bush of hair was blocking my view.


“You’re not letting him pressure you, right?” Sidney asked hesitantly as he stood beside me in the elevator; the metal box slowly moving down towards the underground parking lot, and my awaiting hybrid.

“Of course not… Sidney, he’s not that type of guy.” I explained patiently, trying not to let his questions get under my skin.

He nodded, staring straight ahead. “So you’re not sleeping with him?”

My mouth fell open as I spun around to glare at him. “I don’t really see how what I do, or don’t do with my boyfriend, is any of your business.” I snapped, finally loosing my cool.

“So you are?”

“What does it matter?”

“It matters.” We bother glared at each other for a minute before glancing off in opposite directions. “Stop.” He said finally as the doors opened and we both stepped out.

“Excuse me?”

“Stop sleeping with him.” I shook my head, more at him than at his request, before I took off towards my car. “Jespin!” He shouted taking off after me.

I stopped walking and turned around as he closed the gap between us. “No. No, I won’t. We’re not together Sidney… you even told me that you wanted me to date someone else. Now that I am… you’re not ok with it?”

“I didn’t mean for you to fuck him!” He hissed, his eyes growing wide as I tilted my head. “Ok, wow, that sounded bad… I didn’t mean…” He licked his lips as he searched for the right words. I waited. “Look Jes… I wasn’t ready for this. I really care about you and I think you could be the girl that I end up with… I just didn’t want to committee to you until I’d proven myself.
I need that Cup, Jes.
I just assumed that you’d date some guy and it wouldn’t go anywhere. I guess I sort of assumed you’d compare him to me and… rather me.
I obviously was wrong. That’s ok though I mean… this was my mistake, putting it off.
But we can make it work… I don’t want to think about you out there with someone else so, let’s do this.”

I hesitated, unsure if he was really say what I thought he was saying. “Are you inadvertently telling me to dump my boyfriend, and date you?” He nodded, like he was pleased I’d caught on so fast. “No.” I said simply, unable to think of a clearer way to put it.

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean… no. N-O, no. That’s… I can’t even… ugh!” I turned around and finished walking to my car, needing to be away from here.
I knew that Sidney wasn’t really trying to be an ass, but that’s what he was being.

“Jes come on! I’m sorry alright I just…” I heard him groan loudly as I pulled my car door open.

“Look Sidney, I love you like a brother. You’re always going to be important to me and I’m always going to want you in my life… but maybe this is all we’re ever suppose to be.” I hesitated before getting in, watching his face contort in pain. “Sidney, I really like him. I didn’t date him because you wanted me to, I’m with him because it’s what I want.
I don’t want to lose you, but, if you can’t respect that…” I trailed off, letting my threat hang in the air.

“Yah, I got it.” He said slowly, bringing his eyes up to meet mine. “Some other time then.” He turned around and left before I could say anything else.


I felt like shit as I drove home. I didn’t want things to go like that, I hated fighting with people; especially Sidney.
Was I being unreasonable? Was I making a huge mistake? This was all my fault after all.
I had been selfish enough to keep Sidney in the dark about how I actually felt about him, and selfish enough to start a relationship with Alex.
I didn’t deserve them; but I didn’t want to give one of them up either. Of course, I wanted each one for something different, for my own reasons, but the reasons were still selfish.

I was still re-evaluating everything as I slowly climbed the stairs to my door, my head hung in shame and guilt.
I unlocked the door and walked inside, wanting nothing more than to curl up and die; or at least cry, a lot.

I didn’t even notice Alex until his arms were around me. He didn’t ask questions or pressure me for information; he just directed me towards the stairs, and allowed me to cry into his chest.
He curled up next to me on the bed and pulled me against him tightly.

His compassion was almost more than I could handle, causing my tears to come out in hot waves. He murmured to me in his thick Russian accent; reassuring me with his natural language. It felt wrong and wonderful at the same time.

When I could finally calm myself enough to stop the flow of tears I glanced up at him, and his concerned eyes. “Do you need me to do something?” He asked hurriedly, fear taking the place of his gentle whispers.

I had no idea what to say. I wasn‘t even sure why I was crying so much; it didn‘t make a lot of sense. I still had Alex, and that fact alone seemed to assure me that I could get through anything.
Even though he had no idea what was going on; it was like his blue eyes were reassuring me that everything would work out. “No, I’m fine... I’m so sorry about that Alex… I don’t know-” He cut me off by pinching my lips together, shaking his head slightly as he smiled.
When he was confident that I wouldn’t try to apologise anymore, he removed his fingers and replaced them with his lips; allowing my body to explain the things that my mind couldn’t.

Tonight's Update

Hey ya'll!

Just wanted to let you know that there will not be a Traitor update tonight.

If you guys are anything like my family, tonight's the 'big night' anyway... so you won't be home lol.
The next update (#40), is hopefully going to be a bit of a change... new perspective... so I wanted to make sure that everyone was around to read it.

It'll be up tomorrow night (3pm - regular time on this blog).

Cheers!

#39 - Mr. Romantic

I’m Yours - Jason Mraz


I put the finishing touches on the dinning room as I waited for Jespin to show up. I had left the food in the oven to warm; it didn’t look very good, and I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste - but I was positive I’d get an ’A’ for effort.
The dinning room table was set with a white linen cloth, running the full length of the king size surface. The plates and silverware - that I had bought specifically for tonight - were set on the table, the same way as they had been at the store.

Tomorrow we were leaving for New York and I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect; or at least that it looked perfect for tonight.
I heard the front door open and ran my hands through my hair, trying to tame it as I headed towards the front hallway. “Look at you all fancy…” Jespin laughed as I came into view; nodding towards my outfit.
I wasn’t actually that dressy - black denims and a grey collard shirt - compared to her though, I supposed that I did look over dressed.
She was wearing a fitted red, plaid shirt and a pair of grey baggy sweatpants that were tucked unceremoniously into a pair of over-sized, brown, suede boots.
Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, looses pieces stuck out all over the place; giving her the look of someone who’d just rolled around in the sac. The thought had my heart rate increasing.

I grinned as she moved towards me, opening my arms and accepting her in a tight hug. “Did you bring your bag?” I asked, referring to the things she’d need with her for the next few days.

“Yah, I just left it in my car though… so… are you going somewhere?”

I shook my head and let her out of my arms, grabbing for one of her hands instead.
I pulled her after me, into the dimly lit dinning room, watching her reaction with smiling eyes. She inhaled deeply, biting down her lip as she took a timid step into the room. Her eyes moved around slowly, taking in every detail as a smile danced around the edge of her lips. “Alex…” She breathed slowly, finally turning around to look at me. “Did you do this?”

I nodded sheepishly. “I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you…” I said lamely, feeling foolish for trying to explain my feelings to her.

“I can’t believe you did this… thank you!” She threw her arms around my neck and I grabbed for her; enthusiastically enough that I lifted her right off the floor.
My tongue swept around her mouth as she wrapped her legs around my waist. I spun around to get a better grip on her, pushing her back against the wall until I could hold her up with just the pressure of my body against hers.
I brought my hands around to the front of her shirt, grabbing at the buttons and trying to undo them. Giving up, I took hold if the fabric, pulling it in opposite directions until I felt the buttons give.
Her shirt fell open without the round restraints to hold it in place, and I moved away from her lips; my mouth falling down onto her soft flesh. “Oh god… is something burning?” She panted, causing me to pull away from her.

“Shit!” I groaned, letting her back down onto her feet before I dashed off into the kitchen.

Black smoke was pouring out of the oven causing me to sigh. Checking the temperature I realized that I had inadvertently turned it up, instead of down. I sighed again, hitting the ‘off’ button and pulling the door open slowly.
The burnt smelling smoke burned my throat, and I slammed the door closed again. “You opposed to take-out?” I shouted over my shoulder.

“No… and I’m sorry your dinner’s ruined.” She said softly as she walked up behind me. Her arms snaked around my waist and I felt her press her cheek up against my back. “At least we can still eat at the table…”
I nodded, trying to keep the smile off my face. Now I got the points because she saw what I was trying to do, but she won’t take any away from tasting my awful food. It was pure win.

“Hey Ovie! Come on! Let’s get drunk!” I groaned as the front door slammed open and Greener’s voice filled my house. He wasn’t alone either; pretty soon I could hear other people laughing and carrying on as the moved down the hall towards us.

“Quick Mike, go long!” I heard Feds shot, before the sound of running could be heard. I spun around, pulling Jespin behind me as the sound of crashing echoed out loudly.

“Oops…” Greener said sheepishly as I walked around the corner of the dinning room to see him laid out, half the plates, shattered around him on the floor around him.

Jespin suppressed a giggle behind me and I turned around to look at her. She had her hands up in front of her face and was staring at Greener. “I’m sorry but… that’s funny…” She snorted, her body shaking with laughter.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her against me as Greener started pulling himself off the floor. The rest of the guys filed in and I felt myself blushing.
So Brooks had already known I was going to do something romantic, that wasn’t so bad; them actually seeing my attempts fall short - not so good.
I nuzzled my face into the top of Jespin’s hair, waiting for the colour in my cheeks to fade.

“Buttons… the arch-enemy of Neanderthals everywhere!” Brooks laughed, causing me to pull my face out of her vanilla smelling locks. I glanced down at Jespin who was now pulling the ripped pieces of fabric back around her in an attempt to cover herself. Shit… forgot about that… I sighed, grabbing onto her hand and pulling her out of their sight.

“Go upstairs and grab one of my shirts. I’ll see if I can get rid of them…” She nodded, running off towards the banister as I moved back towards the guys. “So… any reason you guys are here?” I didn’t want to sound like a dick, but I definitely wasn’t in the moods to hang out with them tonight.

“Yah we’re gonna party before we go to New York and destroy some Rangers!” Greener laughed, rolling his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Get drunk here?!” I asked incredulity, staring at the faces of my most rambunctious team-mates.

They nodded. “Coach said we weren’t allowed to go out to the bars so…” Semi shrugged at me. “We brought beer, vodka… and Brooksy is ordering some pizza.”

I glanced at Brooks who was now talking into his cell phone, ticking away toppings on his fingers. I exhaled, defeated as I heard Jes running back down the stairs. “Awww you didn’t have to get all dressed up for us!” Feds laughed as she came around the corner wearing one of my over-sized workout shirts.

“Yah, you look hot in red lace.” Brooks added as he flipped his phone shut, causing Jes to blush at the reminder that everyone in the room now knew what bra she was wearing.


The guys were drunk; drunker than drunk. They were so intoxicated, I was honestly impressed that they hadn’t broken anything so far - although there had been a few close calls with the Rockband guitars.
I laid back on the couch with Jespin; watching the guys jump around and sing along to songs that they didn’t know; or weren’t in any condition to remember.

I snaked my arms around her, pulling her closer to me, whispering into her ear. “So much for a romantic evening, huh?”

She giggled against me, tilting her head so that she could kiss my jaw. “It was the thought that counted anyway…” She explained

“Mmm…” I sighed, moving her around until I could kiss her. “And how much did it count?”
She let out an airy laugh as her legs slid over my lap. Exhaling I brought my lips down against her neck, feeling the heat of her skin under mine as I began to kiss her softly.

“Alex…” She mumbled, gently pushing on my chest. I could feel the apprehension that was radiating out of her body; diluted only by the fact that she didn’t actually want me to stop. “Alex… your team-mates…” She pressed, finally causing me to pull away slightly.

“You’re right…” I sighed, looking around the group of guys that were still oblivious to Jespin and I. There was no way I’d ever get rid of all of them, and I wasn’t dumb enough to try.
Deciding on the best course of action I grabbed Jespin in my arms and lifted her off the couch. She let out a squeal as I reached the stairs, still not loud enough to gain the attention of anyone around us.


I kicked my bedroom door shut behind me as I tossed Jespin down onto the bed; turning back around to lock the door handle, before jumping down beside her. “You’re not being a very good host right now…” She giggled as a cuddled up beside her.

“Yah well, tonight was suppose to be about you.” I sighed, running my fingers along her side, worshipping in the feel of her curves through my shirt. She stifled a yawn and I halted my hand; smiling at her as I grabbed for the covers. I pulled them down and watched her crawl towards the pillows; tugging off her sweats once she was there.
I got off the bed and turned of the light - without a second thought for the guys downstairs - crawling back into bed beside her.

I could tell she was tired, but she didn’t want to disappoint me or let me down. I caught her roaming hands before they could reach my boxers; tugging them towards my face and kissing each one before I released them again. “Not gonna let me say thank you for making me dinner?” She said as she settled in beside me.

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t forget… you’re tired though, sleep babe.” She yawned again and I wrapped my arms around her, spooning into her back as I closed my eyes. “Besides…” I whispered after a few minutes of listening to the distant sounds of a poorly sung Misery Business, “we’ve got all the time in the world.”

#38 - Free-Falling

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard(Cover)


I sat on the couch, my back against the armrest, my feet resting in Alex’s lap. His hands working expertly over my sore legs; working out all the tension and pain in a few sure movements.
I grinned to myself as I watched his eyes lovingly caress every part of skin he touched; how did I ever get so lucky?
He was perfect. That was a word that I would never have imagined myself using to describe a man; let alone a hockey player - but it was true.

He was everything that I wanted. Everything I would have wished for myself, if I had of known myself well enough to ask.
I felt this way about him, even now, as he brooded over the game; the game, and whatever else was bothering him.

I wondered briefly if I should be worried; if he was about to drop some kind of bombshell on me. It was only a fleeting concern though. Every time I worked myself up, he’d look at me and smile; melting away every fear I’d ever had.

“Are you done of school now?" Alex asked suddenly, causing me to look up.

“Ummm almost, I have one final left in a couple days and then I’m done yah… last couple weeks are just internship.” I said slowly, wondering where this was going.

“So… you’ll be with me for the playoffs?”

I chuckled quietly. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Think you’d stay with me?”

I paused and glanced up at him. “Like… in the hotel?”

He nodded slowly, judging my reaction carefully. “Yah. I mean, everyone knows we’re together now so…” He shrugged, his voice wavering as he tried to play off the fact that he didn’t view this proclamation as a ‘big deal’.

“Well… are you sure you want that? I mean, I don’t want you to get sick of me or anything…” I said hesitantly, seriously concerned about what this would do to our relationship.
Not being able to be around Alex as much as I wanted, only made me want to be around him more; would it be the same if I was around him 24/7? Would he feel the same if I was with him the whole time?

“I won’t get sick of you, I promise. I just need you close.”

I sighed and nodded. “If that’s what you want… of course. Could you just tell me one thing though?”

“What’s that?”

“Why are you being like this? What happened? I mean, I don’t mind the fact that you want to be around me more but… what caused it?” I blurted out, unable to hold it in any longer.

“I always want you around me. I have always wanted you around me…” He sighed and reached out his arms to me.
I crawled towards him, relaxing against him as his arms enfolded around me. “I’m not a good person Jespin.”

“What?” I said it loudly, unable to hide the confusion and surprise in my voice. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t just mean that I can be arrogant sometimes… I mean, I’m not the person that you think I am.”

I shook my head, unable to follow what he was saying. “I don’t… what do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He said quickly adverting his eyes.

“Is this what you were so upset about? You don’t think that you’re not a good person?” I couldn’t help but grin slightly. “Alex… you are. Believe me. If anyone knows what a good person you are, it’s me.” I said with as much emotion and conviction in my voice as possible.

“I don’t want you to change your mind.”

“I won’t.” He exhaled loudly, and I could tell that the conversation was over. He sighed deeply, his eyes reverting back to the aching torment I’d seen all day. “Alex…” I sighed, a thousand thoughts running through my head.

I knew how I felt about him, I knew that I needed him; that I loved him. I stared into his blue eyes and contemplated saying the words that I had never spoken in this context before.
I contemplated telling him the truth; that I loved him and only him, and that I would always be here, for as long as he let me stay.

Loosing my nerve, I simply smiled, bringing my lips down to his. He answered back tenderly, his hands sliding up my back gently; holding me against him tighter.
He stood up and shifted me around until he was holding me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he moved towards the stairs; climbing them two at a time until we reached the second level.
He carried me into his bedroom, laying me down on the bed; his lips never leaving mine.

Alex undressed me, painfully slowly, gently removing each article of clothing until there was nothing left separating us.
Interlacing his fingers through mine he lowered himself down on top of me, the weight of his body crushing down on me.

He kissed me intently, his body unmoving as he laid in between my opened legs. I needed him, wanted him; like always, the anticipation was almost too much to bear.
This time was different though, we could both feel it. It wasn’t about the physical gratification that we both so desperately wanted; but the intimacy we both needed.
I slid my hands out from under his, gently running my fingers through his hair as his arms moved up my sides, cradling me.

Finally moving forward I felt Alex’s body press up against mine; his erection slowly pushing it’s way inside of me.
I sighed in satisfaction as he filled me completely; hooking my legs around his back as I clung to him.
He moved slowly, each stroke a long, languid, motion; slowly bringing us together.

Alex stared down at me the whole time, his eyes intently watching me as they filled with emotion. It was all I could do to stare back, every move intensified by the excitement of watching his reactions as he moved deeper inside of me.
He made love to me until my body was confused. I ached with the consistent burn of passion and pleasure, the tightness in my muscles suggesting that we’d been like this for ever; my mind convinced it had only been mere seconds.

When we were done, he didn’t roll off of me like he normally would of, instead, he rolled over, taking me with him, until I was nestled into his side.
He leaned up for a second, unwinding his arm from around me to grab for a blanket at the end of the bed. Pulling it back up around us. “You mean everything to me Jes.” He said softly, causing tears to form in my eyes. “You know that right?”
I threw my arms around him, pressing up against him as hard as I could. I felt like I should be saying the same thing to him, telling him how much he meant to me; but when I looked up and saw the smile on his face - I knew he already knew.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Home - Michael Bubble


It felt surreal, like the slow motion part of a movie; everything had stopped. I should have been flying, but it felt more like freefalling. Every move, every thoughts, every breath was held in time; refusing to move.

I pushed myself around the ice as fast as I could; the world moving past me in a slow blur of strange faces. Jespin was the only thing I could see.
She stood behind the bench beside Boudreaux, her eyes never leaving me as I pushed in, moving hard against the Rangers - trying to find a chink in their armour.

It was amazing the change in a couple days. In one night she had made everything better. Of course the guilt was still there, silently chipping away at me; piece by piece, each chop going deeper than the last.
Hockey had been like a band-aid against the cut; not stopping it or healing it, just something the covered it, moved it out of the forefront of my mind.
Jespin was like my own personal cure. Not something that could erase the scars, but something that could change them, contort them until they were nothing more than thin white lines.

She still didn’t know what she was to me. She had no idea the dependency I now had for her; the amount of faith and emotional baggage I was pressing upon her. She was the only thing keeping me moving; the only one keeping me alive.
I wanted to show her, pay her back for everything that she had been for me; let her see how much she meant - but there was only one thing I was ever spectacular at.
I was going to win this game, and I was going to win it for her.


The dressing room was a feeling of contagious excitement this time around. The guys were hanging from the ceiling after our shutout victory against the Rangers. In one night we had brought it back; an offensive force to be reckoned with, once again.

I could see the cup; taste it, feel it, and as much as I was driven mad with the need to conquer it - I could think of something better. She moved across the locker room, tossing out ice packs and creams to different people; none of who were able to infiltrate my mind.
It wasn’t until Jespin was sitting down beside me that I finally pulled myself into the present. “Feeling better then?” She giggled silently, causing me to chuckle as she gently pushed her shoulder into my side.

I slung my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me tightly and pressing my lips against hers. She kissed me back timidly, leaning into me until I felt a hand slap against my head. “Media coming in…” Greener warned, glancing at Jespin as he spoke.
She gave me one last kiss on the cheek before hoping up and moving back through the room. I watched her go with sad eyes as the group of cameramen and reporters began to crowd around me, shoving tape recorders and microphones in my face.

I answered the questions hastily, trying my best to finish as quickly as possible. I knew that Boudreaux was going to make me sit through the post-game press conference anyway; but I couldn’t help but rush.
I was glad we won, extremely glad, but I also wanted to get home. Our next few days were packed with games and I knew I wouldn’t have that much free time. I needed to do something big for Jes, find something to show her how much she cared.

Once the reporters were gone from my stall, I called over Brooks. “Hey… when Kelly’s mad at you, or when you‘re just trying to do something nice, what do you do?”

“Fuck.”

I rolled my eyes at his serious response. “Ok… before the fucking… like what’s something that you would do for her?”

“Buy her jewellery, cook her dinner…” He said, finally giving me good answers.

“I can’t cook.” I muttered, wondering if there was something else I could do. I wasn’t sure she’d appreciate more jewellery; it was my fall back, after all.

He laughed loudly. “Neither can I but… that’s not the point. Even if you suck at cooking… it’s ’the thought that counts’!” He quipped, laughing again. “Girls eat that shit up…”

I nodded slowly, wondering how she’d react to that. Jespin wasn’t a materialistic kind of girl; maybe she’d appreciate it if I did something myself.
I sighed, pushing myself off the bench as Boudreaux came through the door, signalling at me. I was going to need to give this more though and figure something out, and soon; before the push for the cup came in full force.