#42 - Coward

Hope For The Fallen Man - Relient K


After another win, the energy in the locker-room was contagious. Even Jespin was smiling as she enfolded me in her arms.
The guys were celebrating and making plans for our last night in Washington. We were heading to Pittsburgh for the next two games, but I could think of much better things to do with my last night at home. “Let’s get out of here…” I whispered to Jes, inhaling her sweet scent as I kissed the side of her head.

“You don’t want to go out with them?” I shook my head earnestly. I had become a party-pooper as of late.
Normally I was the first person out and the last person to leave; but all that had changed. I use to love the attention that I got everywhere we went, but now there was only one person that I needed attention from.
Knowing that Jespin was the only one I wanted, I almost dreaded going out. I had a tendency of getting jealous of everyone that was around us; anyone that looked at her or anyone that took her attention away from me.
I didn’t need her like a desperately clingy child; it was more of a certainty thing. I wanted Jespin forever; for every day of forever, and I had no use for other people any longer.

Jespin didn’t argue with me or try to stop me as I grabbed her arm, sneaking out the locker-room before anyone saw us. “So do I get to meet your dad?” I asked, remembering for the first time that he was somewhere in Washington to watch the game.

“Umm… he’s going to be leaving soon so… I don’t know…” She said slowly, I nodded, not totally upset.
I was looking forward to just going home with her and enjoying some alone time before we had to leave. “Congrats on the win, by the way…” She smirked as we reached the parking lot.

“Yah… I am pretty fantastic.” I agreed, opening the passenger door for her.

I walked around the front of the Hummer and climbed in the driver’s side. “Um, that’s not what I said…” She laughed as I looked over at her.

“It’s not?”

She laughed loudly, rolling her eyes. “No, not quite…”



We had lost our first game in Pittsburgh, our first loss of the series. The games sat at two for us, one for them; but I still wasn’t worried.
I knew that I was better than the Penguins; I knew that we were better than the Penguins. We had another game left here before we headed back home, and I was determined to win it.

Jespin had been disappearing a lot, spending time with her mother and father while I ran over drills and plays with the team and coaching staff. I was glad that she had something to distract her from this, and glad that she didn’t have to be alone; but I still missed her terribly.
I had gotten so use to her seeing her around the ice all the time, it was hard knowing she wasn't there to support me.

“So everything going good in paradise?” Feds asked as he started to undress beside me.

“Yah.” I grinned, as I allowed my mind to wander off. He didn’t press me for any more information, thankfully.
I thought about Jespin the entire time I got ready, wondering if I’d be able to see her tonight.
I didn’t want to take her away from her family, but I needed her too - especially going into this game tomorrow.

I gave her cell a call, getting no answer. I flipped through my contact list until I found her home phone number, giving it a try. “Hello?” A little girl answered.

“Hi, is Jespin there?” I asked, smiling as I tried to picture a tiny Jespin.

“Umm… yes she is, may I ask who is speaking?” She asked professionally, probably regurgitating the direct way her parents taught her.

“Sure, just let her know it’s Alex.”

“Ok… JESPIN THERE’S A ALEX ON THE PHONE!” She screamed, not bothering to pull her face away from the mouthpiece.

“Alex?” Jespin asked a few seconds later, evidently taking the phone away from her little sister.

“Hey babe! Can you come to the hotel tonight?” I asked quickly, unable to put on any kind of pretence.

“Ugh! I really want to but I’m kind of stuck babysitting… mom and dad are gone out on a ’date’ and Lauren left me. Austin's here but he’s not really…” She sighed, trailing off as the sound of something shattering came from somewhere behind her.

“Can I come over for a bit… or…?” I bit my lip, regretting putting her in that position.

She sighed again, and I could tell she didn’t know what to do. “Alright. Just for a bit, and only because I miss you.” She said quietly, causing me to grin.


Almost an hour later I was pulling up in front of a massive mansion surrounded by a huge yard. I shook my head as I got out of the cab, paying the driver before I jogged up the walk.
She opened the door before I had to knock, jumping into my arms with a grin. I sighed as I lifted her off the ground, taking a few steps through the colossal double doors. “So I assumed your parents had money but… fuck. What does your dad do again?”

“Old money.” She said quickly, pulling me up the stairs to her room.

“Where is everyone?” I asked as I followed her down the dimly lit, empty hallway.

She giggled as she led me through an open door into a big, expensively decorated bedroom. “I gave Austin money and sent him to the friend's, and my little sister is sleeping.” She explained as she flopped down on the bed.

I walked around the room, staring at all the pictures and posters that were on the walls.
“Who’s that?” I asked as I pointed to one girl that kept reappearing in pictures that spanned the years.

“Beth, my best friend. Or, was my best friend… we don’t talk a lot anymore… not since I moved.”

I nodded in understanding. “Yah, distance can do that to people.” I said softly, moving on to the shit ton of dance trophies in the corner. “Whoa! So you’re actually a good dancer…” I quipped, turning around the grin at her.

“Oh… yah…” She hopped off the bed quickly and grabbed onto my arm, pulling me away from the trophies before I could read the labels. “Wanna see?” She grinned mischievously as she pushed me down on the bed.

From her tone of voice, I had an idea of what she was getting at. I laid back, propping myself up on my elbows as her body began to sway.
In a matter of minutes she was pulling off clothing, all the blood in my body rushing south with due haste.
I watched her until I couldn’t stand it anymore; reaching out for her and grabbing onto her arms.
I shoved her backwards roughly onto the bed. She grinned up at me through her eyelashes, her perfect teeth dragging along her bottom lips; pouting. “Fuck” I groaned quietly, climbing onto the edge of the bed, pulling her legs open and trying to remain as silent as possible.
My right hand grabbed onto the thin layer of black lace; the only thing that was left on her. I pulled them off in one quick move before taking a step backwards.
Standing up at the end of the bed I fumbled with my own pants, shoving them down to my ankles before moving back to Jespin.

I grabbed her thighs and pulled them wide, tugging her down to the end of the bed. I bent down, digging my teeth into her stomach as she whimpered; her hands slamming down on my back - nails digging into my skin.
It was like a new game; pleasure and pain. The goal was to stay as quiet as possible, no matter what.

I moved down, tracing my tongue around the Y of pussy that was now in front of me. Gasping, her legs opened further, imploring me forward; welcoming me into the warm wetness that was already beginning to seep out of her.
I grinned to myself, plunging my fingers into her as deep as they’d go, while I drew a figure ’8’ around her clit; causing her to push herself against me.
I did - one of the many things that I did great - brining her off effortlessly before flipping her onto her stomach, grabbing at her hips and pulling her back up to me.


When I was completely spent I fell down on the bed beside her, both of us laughing quietly as our heart-rates returned to normal.
I was almost asleep when I heard a car door slam. Jespin gasped beside me and sat up, snapping her head around the see the time. “How the fuck is it one AM?!” She moaned, the front door opening downstairs, voices carrying up to where we were.

I hurriedly grabbed my clothing, tugging the different pieces on as I began to laugh again. “Don’t make me laugh!” She grinned. “I can’t believe I’m sneaking you out… oh god.”

“I feel like a rebel.” I chuckled. “Although, I never thought I’d be afraid of my girlfriends parents at the age of 23.” She rolled her eyes and gasped as foot steps moved towards her door.
I dropped down on the floor and rolled under her bed as she jumped onto the mattress above me and gathered the sheets around her.

“Hey babe.” Her dad said as he opened the door. “Did you have a good… are you naked?”

I suppressed a snort as I heard Jespin go ridged. “Umm… yah… it was really hot in here…”

“Why are your clothes everywhere? Actually, forget I asked… I don’t wanna know.” He laughed. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning… I love you.”

“Love you too dad. Tell mom I said goodnight.”

I heard the door close and I rolled out from under the bed, grinning at Jespin as she looked down at me. “Come here.” I whispered signalling for her to come off the bed.

“No! Alex… you have to go… I’ll drive you back to the hotel.” She whispered, getting off the bed.
I reached out and grabbed her leg, accidentally tripping her. She landed with a loud thump on the floor beside me; laughing softly.

“Are you ok in there?” Her dad yelled from the hallway.

“Yah. Fine. I just… fell off the bed.” She giggled, covering her face with her hands.

“Umm… you know, for someone who’s been in dancing since they were three… you’re awful clumsy.” Came the muffled reply, from the other side of the door.

x x x


The Scientists - Coldplay


The reporters were calling this the greatest series ever played. I was leading the Capitals and Crosby was heading the Penguins; together we were racking up the points, but I was finally showing the world what I already knew. I was better than Sidney Crosby. I knew it, and now they did too.

We lost our last game in Pittsburgh, and even though Greener couldn’t seem to shut Crosby down, it didn’t matter; I was untouchable.
Even on our bad games, I was still on.

I felt on top of the world, in a way I had never known before; in a way I never thought possible.
I had it all, but for the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of losing it either.

I was making a run for the most sought-after trophy in the hockey world. I was doing amazing personally, and we were doing well as a team. On top of all that, I had someone to share my victories with.
For the first time in my life I felt like I had a soft place to land; someone that finally understood me.
Of course I was stilling hiding the worst of myself from her, but what else could I do? I wasn’t willing to risk loosing her.
The best part, was the thought of winning the Cup for her; bringing it home to share it with her. The victory would be that much sweeter because her arms would be waiting for me at the end of the day; knowing that, made all the difference in the world.

I still felt the pressures of the world on me; the critics, reporters, owners, coaches, fans - the weight just felt more distributed, more manageable.
I glanced at Jespin as she laid beside me, her head nestled into my shoulder as the plane flew silently through the night.

Whatever came over the next few days, even on the off chance that we didn’t knock the Pens out, I knew that I was going to be ok. I had Jespin, and that was more important than anything else.
She murmured in her sleep and I chuckled as I pulled her closer, resting my chin on the top of her head. “You’re so beautiful…” I whispered, glancing around to make sure none of the guys were paying attention to me.
“Jespin…” I whispered softly into her hair, gently running my fingers through it as she slept. “I love you. I love you and I’m sorry I’m too much of a coward to tell you that…”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I had always been hiding two things from Jespin; the very worst and the very best of myself.
The worst parts of me that covered my hands in blood, and the best that ratified everything good I had ever done in my life.