#37 - Stay

Double header, go back and read #36 if you haven't yet... love you Becky =P

Who You’d Be Today - Kenny Chesney


I sat in the locker-room, half-dressed, totally unprepared for the game that I was suppose to be getting ready for.
Last night had almost killed me. It should have been fantastic, finally having Jespin in my arms, but it had been the opposite.
Now, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sergei and all the things that he should have been.

I should have been putting on my game face, pumping myself up; but I was consumed by questions.
What if I just had of quit hockey? What if I had of told Sergei that I didn’t want to play anymore? What if I had of just walked home that night, instead of yelling at him to come pick me up?
My parents had said that I couldn’t blame myself for what had happened; it was an accident. They were partially right, it had been an accident; but it was still my fault…

“Hey Ovie… you ready to go man? Rangers! We fucking own them!” Greener shouted, punching me in the arm as he started walking around the room, talking himself up.

Sergei would be in his thirties now, if it wasn’t for that night. He’d probably be married, have children. He would have been a fantastic father.
He believed in me and pushed me to be my best; even when everyone else lost faith. He wanted what was best for me, always putting me before his needs; even as a teenager he was always there for me.
And because of me, he’s not here anymore.

“Alex, babe?” Jespin’s soft voice pulled me out of my downward spiral; but only slightly. Enough that I could look up.
She was standing in front of me, her hair gently falling around her face like a halo; illuminated by the neon lighting shining down from behind her. She looked like an angel, my own personal saviour. “Are you ok?”
She crouched down in front of me, and my eyes followed her. Those big green eyes were filled with such concern that it almost killed me to lie to her.

“Yah… I’m great. Just… thinking about the game.” I said lamely, hoping she couldn’t hear the deception in my voice.

Her face lightened slightly as she pulled herself onto the bench beside me. “It’s ok Alex… everything is going to be perfect… I’m sure of it.”
We were both thinking of different things. She was clearly referring to the game, but I felt comforted anyway.
I nodded, putting an arm around her shoulder and hugging her against my bare chest.

“You’ll be out there right? You’ll wait for me after the game?” She nodded her head against me.

“Of course…” She knows something’s wrong… pull it together…

“Hey, you know what I was thinking? I already talked it over with Boudreaux and he’s fine with it, but… think you’ll watch from the box?” It was a lie. I hadn’t asked Boudreaux anything; but I didn’t care. I just needed her to stay as close to me as possible, at all times.

“What box?”

“Like… the player box…”

She pulled away from me and stared up at me. I could tell she wanted to refuse, say ’no way’; but I also knew that I looked completely pathetic and downtrodden. She sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. “Fine… if it’s ok with everyone else than I will… now get dressed.” She kissed my forehead as she got up.
I watched her walk out of the dressing room and it was then that I realized I was alone.

I threw on the rest of my gear quickly, not truly caring that I was breaking superstitions; I just needed to get out of here.
I needed to be around people so that I could drown out the guilt that was threatening to pull me under.

I threw the door open and took off towards the sound of my team-mates. “Feeling better now that you’ve had a pre-game quickie?” Greener laughed and I reached out to slap the back of his head.

Coach started to yell orders as we lined up, telling us some last minute ideas and suggestions; I couldn’t take it in though. My eyes found Jespin, through the crowd of gigantic children in uniforms, and I smiled at her. “Hey Ovie… you catching this? Or should I throw down some cave-drawing so you can follow along?” Brooks quipped from behind me.
I rolled my eyes as the people nearest to us started to howl with laughter; falling back into my private world.

Everyone began to file out onto the ice and I let out a gentle sigh as I followed suit.
The crack of the ice sounded from down below me as I took my first step onto it; my head still full of regret and shame.
I felt even worse as I tried to push the thoughts of Sergei out of my head, my mind repeating over and over again; I’m so sorry.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson


I followed the coaching staff out to the box; no one really paying attention to me. I stood up behind the bench, feeling sorely out of place as I watched the guys skate around on the ice.
It felt freeing and terrifying at the same time; like the first time on a motorcycle. It was amazing, to be that liberated; nothing separating me from the game that I loved so much. At the same time though, it felt reckless, being that close to two-hundred plus pound men, no protection.

When Boudreaux finally looked at me, I realized that he definitely wasn’t expecting me; but if he was mad about it, he hid it well. “Everything ok with him? He looks off…”
I followed his gaze, finding Alex stretching by himself off to the side, as the other guys began firing shots off at the net. I sighed to myself as I shrugged my shoulders.
It just made no sense. Alex was almost the most excited person when it came to games; especially big games. Tonight, it looked like he didn’t know where he was; and if he did, he didn’t care at all.


The game was a disaster. There was no focus, no passion, no flair; it was a different team out there. A team that didn’t want to win.
Alex had a few shots on net, but he couldn’t follow through with anything; he didn’t even follow through with his checks.

The rest of the team was taking their cues from him. Instead of trying to pick him up and continue on, they faltered and crashed, bad.
Someone from the Rangers ended up scoring the only goal of the game; I was so numb I didn’t even register who it was.

The guys were just as subdued once they got into the locker-room; the only one who had anything to say was Boudreaux. I watched him rant and roar, pointing fingers of accusation at everyone in the room.
He blamed Alex; just like everyone else. They didn’t say it, but you could feel it in their glares, in their words, in their silences.
Alex was the only one who didn’t seem to notice. He sat in front of his stall, slumped and defeated.

For someone who was usually so loud and boisterous, it broke my heart to see him this way. I wasn’t sure what had happened that caused this complete flip; but I wanted to do whatever I could to take away the pain in his eyes. He wasn’t upset about the game - I wasn’t even sure if he had even registered the last few hours - there was something else in his face; something deeper.



“Anything you want to talk about?” I asked slowly as he raced through the streets of Washington, swerving in and out of the slower moving traffic, without abandon. “Alex?”

“No. Like What? Why?” He grunted, his sentences running together as he spun the Lamborghini recklessly onto a side street.

“Maybe you should slow down…” I breathed, grabbing onto the ’Jesus bar’ and closing my eyes.

I felt the car start to slow and heard the roar of the engine falter down until it purred gently. “Sorry.” He said quietly, causing me to open my eyes. He reached out, resting his hand on my knee and giving me a small squeeze.

“It’s fine… if you want to talk about anything though… I’m here, ok?” He nodded, giving me a small smile before pulling his car into the empty garage stall.


I sat on the couch and watched him pace around the bottom floor of his house. “Alex… come sit!” I laughed finally, unable to keep the grin off my face. I knew I probably shouldn’t be laughing; but I couldn‘t help it.
He stopped walking and looked at me, grinning back sheepishly before he jumped onto the couch beside me.

“You’ll stay tonight?” He asked, pulling my feet into his lap.

“Of course… are you gonna be alright though?”

He nodded, licking his lips as he started to rub his fingers along the bottom of my foot. I looked like he was choosing his words carefully, mulling them around his head before he spoke. He finally glanced up at me, smiling slightly as he said genuinely. “I will be, as long as you stay here.”