#19 - Fake Goodbye

Happy Birthday to me!! And in celebration of my b-day... the Chicago Blackhawks vs. the Pittsburgh Penguins!! =D bahaha... best present ever!!

Don’t Forget - Demi Lovato(Cover)


I took a final, deep breath, as I stood outside the front door of Boudreau’s house. I ran my hands down my waist, hips and outer thighs; checking to make sure my dress wasn’t buckling in any embarrassing places. I cleared my throat, exhaling loudly before I reached out for the handle. This wasn’t the type of dress I would ever buy for myself, but I wanted to look good tonight; sexy but not trashy. I wondered whether or not Alex would even notice how much effort I put into getting ready. I glanced down at the silver heels that were torturing my feet; if Alex doesn‘t appreciate this... “That dress suits you better.” Mike said coming up behind me.

“Holy crow! You scared me…” I trailed off, blushing slightly as Mike started to grin. “Thanks.” I added, looking away from him as I prayed he couldn’t read my mind.

“May I?” Semi cut in, appearing out of nowhere, his elbow extended towards me. I shook my head, laughing as I allowed him to lead me into the house.

I searched for Alex as soon as I could, without drawing attention to myself. I saw him, laughing with Juicy across the room; looking - dare I say - handsome-ish in a dark blue suit.
I pulled my shoulders back and lifted my head, moving across the room as gracefully as I could manage in seven inch heels.
I was almost to his side when she appeared. All six feet of blond model.

I stopped in my tracks as my heart shot up into my throat. I watched her thin arms snake around Alex’s waist, a dumb, triumphant grin on her face - aimed at no one in particular.
I wanted to leave, I wanted to get away and leave this party before he noticed that I was here; I didn’t think I could deal with this. I knew I couldn’t deal with this.
As if on cue, his eyes focused on me and he gave me a apathetic grin. I stared back blankly, unable to do anything else.
His face faltered as the spasm of disappointment shot through my face. I lowered my head and turned away; walking the length of the room until I was standing next to Mike.
He threw his arm around me, giving me a gentle squeeze as I leaned into him. Luckily for me, Mike was the only man in the room able to pick up on emotions; meaning my plight went unnoticed by everyone else. Almost everyone else.

Alex was staring back at me, his brow furrowed in contemplation as an unnatural emotion began to spread across his face. Shame? Guilt? Remorse?
My first reaction was that I was obviously a horrible actress. It had been what, two, three minutes since I reached Mike; and Alex had already picked up on my distress?
My second reaction was that he seemed much more focused on me than the perky girl in the latex dress, who was fighting for his attention. That thought gave me a minuscule feeling of satisfaction; at least the dress wasn’t a total waste, I sighed, before turning away from Alex.



Natasha. My mother always taught me not to judge a book by it’s cover; but Natasha was a money-hungry bitch. I didn’t need to read into her anymore to see that.
Her skin could have been mistaken for porcelain - smooth and flawless - if it wasn’t for the fact that porcelain dolls weren’t orange. Her fake tanning products and phoney platinum blond waves, mixed together horribly; like an awkward, inverted picture that had been photo-shopped too many times. Her crystal blue eyes continuously cut through me a thousand different ways, every time she raised her face to glare at me.
She drummed her acrylic nails along the surface of the dinning room table - obnoxiously - as her laser whitened teeth grazed the bottom of her collagen enriched lip.

It took all my willpower to not get up and leave. She was a complete skank. She breathed heavily like she was running a marathon, as opposed to sitting in a plush dinning-room chair. I could tell she was doing it on purpose though. With each heavy intake her silicone’d chest pressed against the tight purple dress she was wearing; threatening to explode onto the table - if they didn’t completely topple her over first.


How could I have been so stupid? Not trying to buy into the hype; but he was Alexander Ovechkin - Alex the Great. Of course he wasn’t interested in someone like me; why would he want the stubborn nobody when he could have the easy bimbo’s that were willing to do anything for him.
Of course I could always tell him who I was; then I’d probably have his attention - but was I so desperate to sell myself like that?
It didn’t even matter anymore, what was done was done, and it was on me.

Alex had made an honest attempt to be my friend, and even that I shot down; he was just trying to have a friendly relationship with me and I couldn’t even allow that to happen.
It’s better this way… I tried to convince myself. Easier to just feel sad now, then feel worse later. It wouldn’t have worked out anyway - you hardly know anything about him for god sakes.
And now I never would.

This was all going to work out for the better, I had to believe that; but it was hard. It was even harder the longer I had to sit across the table from them; the longer I had to hear her crow on and on in that stupid accent.
She wasn’t even Russian! If she was Russian, at least I could understand why she was better for him then me; but she from Jersey - plain, old, local, Jersey.
That fact, above everything else, was what set me over the edge. I already hated her, and I knew almost nothing about her; I could tell, however, that she was even worse for Alex than Masha had been. They were both fake, superficial and egotistical, but at least Masha knew his culture and cared enough about him to try and have some kind of relationship with him.
This girl was bating her eyelashes at every man in the room without shame.

I wanted to look away, but I couldn’t. I forcing myself into a form of silent punishment; I was the one that pushed him away and now I had to watch what I had caused.
At the thought Natasha reached over to Alex, dragging her long plastic nails over the back of his neck. I watched her hand as it moved, gently playing with a piece of hair at the nap of his neck.
He shrugged his shoulders roughly and tilted his head away from her; knocking her arm off of him.

The action caused me to smile slightly, if only for a second, as I looked away. I glanced beside me at Mike and then remembered that regardless of whether or not Alex was against PDA, he still wasn’t with me.
I took a quiet breath, blinking my eyes rapidly as I tried my best to keep the tears from falling.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Top Of The World - Dixie Chicks(Cover)


The pain in her eyes was unbearable. I felt it in the very core of my being as I stared across the dimly lit table towards her. Natasha shifted beside me, her manicured nails running over the back of my neck as she leaned into me.
I looked away from Jespin, shrugging the arm off my shoulder before looking back.

Jespin’s head was down; her eyes brimming with wetness as she focused on everything but me. I didn’t know what to do. How to act. What to say.
I wanted to say everything, everything that she needed me to say; everything, anything that would fix this - whatever it took.

It was misread communication. When Jespin left for Thanksgiving, she left me with the impression that she hated me; never wanted to see me again. I could see it in her face - that had all been a lie.
I wasn’t sure why she needed to lie to me, but she had; it was crystal clear now.

If I could do anything I wanted; I would flip the table out from between us and take her in my arms. Crush her to my chest until there wasn’t a hint of sadness left in her beautiful, fragile face.
Jespin was a strong person, I knew that; but everyone had their breaking point, I knew that too.
She was there now, or rather, I had pushed her there. Before tonight this would have made me feel good; that she actually cared, that she actually wanted me… Now, all I felt was misery. I’d rather not know, I’d rather be left in the dark if it meant she didn’t have to feel the crushing force, I knew, was pushing down on her chest.
Every hope and feeling I had ever experienced towards Jespin, boiled up inside of me at once; threatening to implode me from within. The worse part, was knowing that this was all my fault. I was the one that had brought someone with me.
I should have realized the confusion, I should have allowed myself to continue believing that she was playing hard to get.

I needed to explain to her, I needed to talk to her. I just wanted to hold her. That was it, my simple, insane solution. If I could just get Jespin in my arms than somehow it would make her see everything. How sorry I was, how much she meant - how much it mattered, how much she mattered.

And then just like that, every thing Natasha did was pushing me over the edge. Every touch and laugh, every word. She wasn’t here for me; just like most girls, she was only interested in the celebrity; I knew, and I didn’t care.
It had always been enough for me. I was famous, and I was rich; of course girls were going to want me. It had never mattered to me before now.
I had accepted it as a ’norm’, something that came with the territory; but now there was something more - someone more.

I wanted Jespin, and I wanted her to want me. The girl beside me was no one, and in this exact minute, I couldn’t even remember what the allure had been.
Jespin wasn’t some kind of Barbie, far from it, but she was perfection to me.
Even in pain, Jespin was breath-taking.
Her midnight black hair, outlined every perfect curve of her face as it feel gently down below my line of sight. Her eyes were slightly closed but I could see the perfect sweep of her eyelashes as she tried to keep the moisture from falling down onto her ashen cheeks. I leaned over to the side, realizing I’d been staring at her for too long; far too obviously.

But Jespin was it… she was the authenticity I’d been looking for, and it took this - her misery - to realize just how strongly she held me. Everything I felt was whole, true.
It wasn’t the overdone, weak, watered-down pink glitter and stars. It wasn’t fireworks, fairytales and the Hollywood-ized bullshit that the media tried to shovel down your throat.
It was simple, so much more simpler than I ever thought possible; because suddenly none of the other shit matter - there was just her.
Just her, and I had still managed to fuck it up.

People were talking to me, I could hear my name being brought up, but I ignored it. I continued to stare at absolutely nothing as the epiphany ranged on inside of my head; mapping out the answers to questions I wasn’t even aware I had.



I continued to stand at the front door as Natasha walked past me, laughing at something Greener said. I didn’t care, I didn’t even look at her twice as she moved past me; a small glare aimed in my direction.
Jespin was moving around slowly, like she was trying to avoid coming anywhere near me. I stood there and waited, until almost everyone else had left and she had nothing else to do but head towards me. “Jespin…” I said softly once she was within speaking range.

She looked up at me and gave me a weak smile. I could tell that she thought she had me fooled; apparently she thought I hadn’t been paying any attention to her during dinner. “Jespin look… Natasha… she doesn’t mean anything.” I started trying to explain, but she shook her head. I reached out, placing my hands on her shoulders and forcing her to look up at me. “I thought… when you left… you said…” I bit my lip. I was so sure that I’d be able to tell her everything once I had the chance. I was positive that as soon as I got her alone the words would just poor out of me and make everything alright.
I couldn’t talk. How do you tell someone that you’ve figured everything out, without sounding crazy? How do you make them understand that they’re everything you’ve ever wanted; when you hardly know them? Maybe I was crazy. Maybe I was completely out of my mind, but I couldn’t care less.

“It’s ok Alex, I understand…” It came out too easily, too emotionless for the feelings I could see burning in her eyes. I was sure that she had practiced it, prepared it in case this conversation came up at some point.
Her next smile was different, appearing as more of a grimace on her delicate features; it was a smile of bitter acceptance. “Goodbye.”
I could have taken it as her parting words until I saw her again tomorrow, but there was finality in her voice. Even when I saw her again, she was letting me know that it wouldn’t be the same.

She walked past me and again, I opened my mouth to speak; but I couldn’t say a thing. I needed one word, the right word; that one syllable that would convince her everything that I already knew.
I watched her walk away from me; wishing that there was something I could do to take back the things I’d done. Wishing that I could show her all the parts of me that went beyond the surface; but it was too late.
She was gone.