#35 - This Moment

Fix You - Coldplay


“Alex, we need to talk.” We need to talk… the worse four words in the history of the world.
I couldn’t find any words to speak, so I nodded mutely. I opened the door slowly, trying to force time to slow down; I needed the world to stop spinning so that she couldn’t say anything else.

She walked past me, deeper into the house; while I stood, unmoving at the front door. “Alex?” She called over her shoulder before she disappeared into the den. I looked down at the floor as I pushed the door close; sliding my hands into my pockets before I followed after her.


She was sitting on the edge of the sofa when I came around the corner; her back stiff and her hands folded in her lap. Her face was emotionless as she stared straight ahead, not looking at me.
I took a few breaths to steady myself before I walked over and sat down beside her.
I could only assume that her change in demeanour was because of her conversation with Greener; which meant that I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I should have just accepted a good thing for what it was worth and not tried to force anything more. My mom always said that women were fickle and you couldn’t pressure them into something; I should have taken her advice, I should have allowed Jespin to come around to me on her own.

I wanted to just accept what I knew was happening, take it like a man and move on; there were plenty of other women out there. Women that weren’t her… I thought sadly, trying to remain impassive.
I stared at her and saw her searching for the words, her eyes unfocused as she planned the break-up in her head. This was my only chance.
I didn’t think a time would ever come in my life where I would beg for something, someone; but I had reached that point. I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. “Before you say anything…” I said quickly, grabbing onto her and pulling her into my lap. “Before you say anything… I don’t care. I don’t care why you won’t date me, why you don’t want to go there.
It doesn’t matter anymore Jes, if this is what you want… then this is how it’ll stay. Just forget today ever happened.”

“Alex-”

“Don’t leave me.” I sounded pitiful, pathetic. It was like loosing Sergei all over again; like I was a child - unable to do anything useful.
That was exactly what it felt like. Of course there was a difference, the difference between a brother and a girl I was dating; the difference between life and death.
And just like that time, all those years before, there was nothing I could do. No amount of begging or pleading could change the inevitable.
I knew that, but I couldn‘t stop the words from coming out. “I need you in my life Jes, no matter what I can or can’t call you… we can work through this.” She turned around slowly until she was facing me, and I clutched her against me tightly.

She stared at me for a long time, feeling finally beginning to filter through her face; until her lips parted and her eyes brimmed with tears.
I waited patiently for her to say something, anything; with each breath I felt like I was moving closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. I was about to free-fall over the brink, and the power to hang on rested with a girl that was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. My chances weren’t looking good.

Jespin took a deep breath as the tears finally started to fall, pouring down her cheeks. “Alex…” She said slowly, reaching up to wipe the tears away from her face. “I don’t want this to end… I just…”

“Just tell me what you want Jespin. Anything. You can have it. If there‘s a problem I‘ll fix it… just tell me what I need to do.”

“I want you. I want to be with you…” I nodded, my breath catching in my throat as I waited for the ‘but’. Instead a small smile formed through the tears. “Ok.”

“Ok…?” I asked, caught off guard by her response.

“If you want me to be your girlfriend… I will, just please… no press releases or anything...”

I smiled, it was all I could do. I wanted to say something romantic, special; but the words wouldn’t come.
Instead I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips down to mine; kissing her for everything I was worth.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Realize - Colbie Caillat


I had been completely undecided until he spoke those words to me; until he let that part of himself through. When he asked me not to leave him, it was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him.
I’d seen him happy, sad, angry, indifferent, but never vulnerable. As out going and attention-grabbing as he was; he was also one of the most guarded people I’d ever met.

The biggest part of me didn’t want to let him go, and once I saw the unwavering need in his eyes, I had no choice. I didn’t want another choice.
I need him, and apparently he needed me too.
Alex had never been this open with me before, and I was almost positive, he'd never been this open with anyone else either. I couldn't just walk away, not if he was so willing to let me in.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not I’d missed out on the one person that could inspire such powerful emotions in me. With that realization, everything else melted away, until he was the only thing I could comprehend.

Whatever my father had to say, no matter how Sidney would react… even if this blew up in my face; nothing could make me change my mind any more. I was in this for as long as he’d have me.

His lips were gentle but urgent on mine as we melted into each other on his couch. I almost couldn’t believe my luck; could I really have it all? Was I really able to have a relationship with Alex, without telling him anything that could ruin us, without having the big hoopla surrounding it?
Could it truly be this easy for all the pieces to just fall into place? “Vi znachete vce k mne…” He smiled against my lips as I moved around until I was straddling his lap.
He reached towards me, slowly sliding my shirt up over my skin. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep my hormones in check as he took his time exposing my chest.
It seemed almost strange that just minutes ago we were both so emotional and confused, and now it was leading to this. In a way it still made sense, I supposed; Alex was much better at expressing himself physically than verbally - and I wasn’t about to start complaining about it.
He began to run his tongue along my cleavage, his thumbs rubbing circles around the lace cup of my bra until my nipples were hard beneath it.
My lips were longing to taste him; to kiss him long and deep while I ran my hands along every square inch of him.
He stood up, holding onto me as he began to turn, laying me down on my back; the cool leather of the couch underneath me.

Sitting up in between my legs, I could see him growing hard through the basketball shorts he was wearing; I bit my lip to keep from groaning in frustration.
He stared down at me for a second before undoing my pants and tugging them off. I could feel every part of my body heating up, and I rubbed my legs together as he pulled his clothing off hastily.
He fell down on top of me - flesh against flesh- as our legs entwined together. His tongue began to trace hot lines down my neck as I wrapped my arms around him; one of his hands sliding upwards until he had a firm grip on my hair.

Grunting he pulled back, hard, and I arched my back in response as his pelvis grinded into me.
I could feel his dick rubbing against my clit; accelerating my breathing as I grew wetter and hotter.

I wanted to savour this; each grasp, each movement. I wanted to relish each time his fingers tightened around my side or my arms. Wanted to, but it was impossibly hard to keep from egging him on, or stop myself from begging for him to enter me.

I sigh as my clit began to throb painfully. His fingers hadn’t even roamed south yet, but I was already dripping with heat and desire. I decided to give him a better idea as to what I needed. I kissed him, my tongue thrusting for control while his hands played on my nipples.
Not a word had been spoken between us. What could we possibly say that would evoke the emotions we were feeling right in this moment? Words were inadequate. Nothing could ever express the fire he ignited inside me, only action ccould demonstrate my need. Only the feeling of tongue, teeth and flesh against flesh could ever come close to creating some kind of window into how I really felt about him.


We laid beside each other, panting uncontrollably; both of us somewhere between bliss and relief.
I couldn’t do anything but force my mind to remain in this moment. I didn’t want to think about all the things to come; the definite, like play-offs and finals, and the uncertain, mainly things surrounding my father and my relationship with Sidney.