#44 - Traitor

Breathe - Sia


It was just before game 6 of the Penguin/Capital series, and the Penguins were winning by one game; if we lost tonight, we were out.
I stood in the visitor’s hallway of the Iceberg, waiting for the guys to head out onto the ice; also waiting for my dad.
I knew he was coming to visit me at some point, the only question, was when.

I debated telling Alex the truth about me before the game, but I decided against it. By some miracle of god no one saw the two second clip of me on SportsCentre; I wasn't about to bring it up now, not if the shit hadn't already hit the fan.
I was going to have to tell him, I realized that now. I would tell him as soon as the series was over; as soon as he was done playing against Sidney for the summer.
I would tell him, and I would face the repercussions head on - praying for the best.

“Hey love, what are you doing?” Alex asked as he came up behind me, startling me as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I froze in place as I shifted my eyes back and forth down the hallway… this was not good. He was fully geared, ready to head out onto the ice.

I sighed softly as I rested my head against his chest. “Just getting ready to head out… are you ready to play?”

“Ready to win.” He grinned back. I shook my head at the complete confidence in his voice; I wish I felt that confident right now. He let out a sigh as the Caps started to file out of the locker-room. “Let’s get going… need my baby in the box with me.”

He grabbed my hand, pulling me out towards the ice behind him. “Oh! I forgot something… I’ll meet you in the box!” I stretched up to give him a kiss on the lips; turning quickly and running back down the hall. The last thing I needed was to walk hand and hand out with Alex…

“Hey! There she is!” I pulled up short; almost running right into dad as I rounded the corner. “Where are you going in such a rush?”

“Umm… just forgot something in the locker-room…” I lied again, starting to panic as I shifted uncomfortably. “I gotta go!” I took off again, running past my dad and flying through the locker-room door.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves as I counted to 10 Mississippi. I slowly pushed the door back open and headed towards the ice.


It wasn‘t getting any easier, watching Sidney and Alex play each other; it felt like I should be over the worry by now, but I wasn‘t. I shook my head softly as the game started and Alex dove over the box, skating straight towards Sidney.
Coach B paced beside me as the period went on, mumbling to himself as the play intensified.
And it was an intense game, a hard game. It’d expected no less though; Sidney and Geno always felt the need to try and outshine Alex - of course now it was all out on the line - do or die.

We were able to make a come back, winning game six and securing a game seven on home ice.


I had snuck down to say hi to dad and the guys while Alex was changing, running back in time to catch him before he knew I was gone.

“Hey baby! Ready to head home?” He asked as I pushed my way into the locker room.

“Yah, let’s get out of here…” I agreed hurriedly, hopping that we’d be able to sneak out of here before anyone saw us.
Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the locker-room after him, he rushed down the hall; trying to avoid the media. I didn’t try to stop him, I wanted to be out of here just as badly as he did.

“Hey! Let go of her! Just cause she works here doesn’t mean you can put your fucking hands on her!” I froze as I heard Sidney’s voice snap out from somewhere behind me.
Through wide-eyes I started up at Alex as he stopped walking too; his face mingled with a mixture of confusion, anger and shock.

He looked down at me, then back up at Sidney. Apparently deciding that I was in some kind of danger he pulled me protectively behind him; taking a step in front of me to shield my body from Sid, completely. “Don’t try and tell me what to do… I can touch my girlfriend whenever I want and it’s none of your business.”

“Girlfriend?” Sidney spat, his voice dripping with venom as he started to emit a bark-like laugh. “Yah, cause Jespin would date you!”

I groaned softly, resting my forehead on Alex’s back; I need to say something now, before this escaladed any further. “I am… I am dating him Sidney.”

Alex grinned in triumph for a minute - at my proclamation - before his face fell back into confusion. He looked back and forth between Sidney and I, as I moved to stand beside him. “Why does Crosby care if you’re dating me? … how do you even know him?” His eyes strayed to me; accusing for the first time.

“It’s not what you think-” I started to say before Sidney cut me off.

“How do you know me? Please… the only thing that Ovechkin cares about is getting his name spread around even more - it’s not enough for him to have ability, he wants the celebrity that goes along with it… he’s using you Jes. He's using you for your name, and to get under my skin...”

“Shut up Crosby! Don’t stand there and pretend that you know anything about me… and if all that bull was true; why would I go after Jespin? That doesn’t even make any sense.” Alex sneered back, his arm wrapping around my shoulder; pulling me against him once again.

“Hey Sid! We’re getting ready to-” Jordan came around the corner, stopping in his tracks as he saw Alex’s body wrapped around mine. “Whoa… what’s going on?” I groaned softly as Max, Bill, Tyler and Chris came around the corner too, stopping just behind Jordan.

“Let’s go…” I said softly, grabbing onto Alex’s hand and tugging on him. He gave one last glare at Sidney before allowing me to lead him down the hallway.

“Jespin?” I skidded to a halt; my entire body locking into place as my father’s voice slammed the wind out of me. I turned around slowly - facing him - as he came to stand beside Sidney. “What’s going on?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. How do I fix this now? Ok… not a big deal… I took a deep breath and looked over at Alex. “Ovechkin’s using Jespin to try and get back at me.” Sidney spat before I had time to get any words out.

“What?” I wasn’t sure who had said it first, but the question was stated by more than one person.

“That’s not true Sidney!” I whined, tightening my grip on Alex as I did so. “He doesn’t… he didn’t know…” I said slowly, quietly.

“He doesn’t know what?” Dad asked, walking towards me; until he was close enough to reach out and gently grab my shoulder.

“He doesn’t know… that you’re my father.” I felt Alex stiffen beside me as I watched comprehension and sadness cross my father’s features. “I’m sorry…” I whispered, not really sure who I was actually apologising to. My dad nodded, turning around to face Sidney.

“He didn’t know… so… he’s not using anyone…” He said slowly, directing his words at Sidney - who’s face was now a deep shade of angry red. He turned back around and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You’re mom wants you to stop by the hotel sometime tonight, alright?” I nodded slowly as he turned around, motioning for the rest of the guys to head out.

We stood there, hand in hand, watching them disappear before either one of us said anything. “Alex…” I whispered softly, breaking the silence as I turned towards him. “I’m so sorry I know I should have-”

“Why was he so mad?”

“Who?”

“Sidney… why was he so mad that you were with me?” I sighed softly, hoping that Alex wouldn’t have picked up on that. “You had a thing?” He asked, answering his own question.

“Not really…” I sighed again, reaching out for his other hand. “Not like this anyway.” He nodded slowly. “Not like this.” I said again, firmer this time as I closed the gap between us.

“Did you use me… to piss him off?”

“No!” I yelled, reaching out for him. “Sidney had nothing to do with this Alex…”

He dropped my hand and staggered back a step. “I need to go… I need to think about this-” He brought his hands up, running them through his damp hair. Suddenly, his calm demeanour broke. “What else did you lie about? Fuck Jespin! I didn’t even know your last name!”

“I know… I know, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know… what else did you lie about?”

“Nothing! Alex listen.. Anything that I ever said about us, or about the way I feel about you… that was all true.” He turned around and headed down the hallway, not waiting for my explanation; leaving me stunned. “Alex… no, wait!” I cried out, taking off after him. “Please, I know I should have told you but… I didn’t- I just wanted-” I groaned, internally cursing myself for being so stupid. He shook his head, refusing to look up at me; turning around and taking off again. “Please! Alex… I love you.”

He stopped walking, his hands on the handle of the emergency exit. I heard him exhale loudly, his body noticeably dropping as he looked back over his shoulder at me. “A few minutes ago I would have believed that… a few minutes ago, that would have meant the world to me…” he said softly, before pushing the door open and letting it slam shut behind him.

I stood alone in the hallway, hot tears cascading down my face as I stared after him, feeling like a complete traitor. What now?
Alex was mad at me because I lied to him, Sidney because he felt cheated, Dad because I hurt him. In a few minutes I had managed to chase everyone that mattered out of my life. What now?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol


Jealousy. How did I not see that one coming? I had been used for money, used for fame, and used for a free ride. Why not jealousy? Why wouldn’t someone use me for something that simple?
I felt angry tears stream down my face as I raced through the dark streets, paying no heed to traffic lights as the night passed by in a blur.
It was pretty simple why I didn’t see it coming; I trusted her. I fucking trusted her and she lied to me; it felt like blatant treachery.
She lied to me about everything, and I was stupid enough to believe her; stupid enough to want to believe her.

I should have seen the signs, I should have known. I wasn’t good enough to deserve someone’s love; and yet I fell into her trap, I allowed her to use me.
And Crosby had her first. Out of every single guy in the whole world it had to be fucking Crosby.
I yelled, slamming my hands down on the steering wheel as I hit the break. I pulled off in front of a bridge, stepping out into the rain after wrenching the keys out of the ignition.

I jogged out onto the overpass, not stopping until I reached the middle. I leaned over the edge, resting my face in my hands as I allowed the truth to wash over me.
The worse part was that I still loved her, no matter how much I denied it, I knew it was true. Jespin was the first person I had ever trusted since Sergei died, the first person I had allowed myself to become attached to; the one person that had made me feel good, for the first time in forever.

And it was all a sick joke now. I had hidden the truth and kept my feelings inside, to protect her, and she had been lying the whole time.

It was nothing that I didn’t deserve, nothing that I hadn’t earned. “Is this what you wanted?” I screamed at nothing in particular. “Is this what I get? Karma? I take his life and you take the only thing that matters to me?” I let out an angry hiss as the tears began to fall again. “I fucking lost him too! Even if it was my fault, I had to live without him… I had to live my life knowing what I did!”

I shook my head, taking a deep breath as sobs began to rock through me. “Not her…” I choked out. “Please God, if you exist… take anything… but don’t fucking take her.”
There wasn’t even anything productive I could do. This was her, she was the one that had chosen to lie to me; she was the one that used me to get Crosby jealous.
I wonder if it worked. I wonder if she was with him right now, laughing with him, touching him.

I wanted to kill him. I wanted to punch him in his over-rated head until I felt better.
It didn’t even matter any more what people said about us as competitors, I knew the truth now. Even if I could beat him on the ice, he’d already won. He had Jespin, she loved him and not me.
She had probably always loved him; it wasn’t like I could blame her, what girl didn’t want Sid the Kid? The fucking wonder boy.

In that moment, my mind tried to force her memory out, but my heart clutched on to it. With each word, smile, touch, kiss, laugh that I remembered; my body fought against itself, forcing her out; inadvertently pushing her down deeper inside of me.

I made up my mind. She had made her decision and I wouldn’t punish her for it, I had lied to her too; even if I had lied for different reasons.
Crosby could have her, he could do whatever he wanted with her; after all, she wanted him, so why would I try to stop it?
Fuck, if he wanted the Stanley Cup he could take that too, it didn’t matter anymore.

Not without her.