#21 - Taking Care, Minus A Big Mouth

Ok I'm sorry but I had to include this link... Jonathan Toews is no longer the only NHL player on my wall anymore... I don't care how you feel about Ovechkin, he's hot in these pics!


Auf Achse - Franz Ferdinand


I drove to Natasha’s house as fast I could without killing myself. She had a lot of explaining to do; not that anything she said was going to change my mind. I’d made my decision a while ago, I was just waiting for a reason; there was no motive to stay with her - so this was the perfect opportunity to end it.

I reached her house, taking the steps two at a time. I didn’t stop to knock, just throwing the door open as I walked into the front hallway. “Natasha.” I called out, hoping she was here so I didn’t have to come back some other time.

“It’s about time you got here! What if I get a call?! What if I get booked for a photo-shoot and this, this is what I look like?!” She was shrieking at me before I could see her. A second later she stomped down the stairs, shooting me a dirty look as she came into sight.
I couldn’t help but laugh.

“That’s some shiner…” I managed to choke out between chuckles. Apparently Jespin had hit her back; hard. I found this too amusing for my own good. My girl's not afraid to stand up for herself… I like that.
I exhaled loudly as Natasha yelled at me. Did I really just call her my girl? Could she be my girl?
The way things were going, it seemed like a good possibility. There’d already been a lot of ups and downs but; nothing good ever came easy - I knew all about that.

“Alex… ALEX!” She bellowed, moving towards me with hostility.

“Look Natasha, I just came to tell you that we’re done.”

“We’re done?! Because that girl on your staff?” She hissed, her eyes shooting daggers at me as she spoke.

“Yes. Well, that and I don’t like you-”

“-and you like her.” She sneered, cutting me off. “Whatever… good. She deserves it all. You think you’re worth it Alex? All the trouble… cause you’re not.”

“At least she won’t use me.” I said quietly, smugly.

“Well, if she doesn’t want something from you… she won’t be around long. We were together what weeks? Not even. Not even weeks and I already had hate blogs about me on the internet. People saying that I was a gold-digger, judging me, watching me wherever I went. Of course I won’t complain… any publicity is good publicity. If she doesn’t want that though… she won’t hang around for it.
What kind of boyfriend can you be anyway? Gone all the time… maybe it works for some of them; but not you Alex. You need attention - you’ll cheat on her… and she’ll leave you.” She grinned when she finished, turning around and heading back up the stairs.

I sighed, trying not to pay any attention to what she said as I headed back out into my car. I didn’t want to admit that she was right about some things; even though she kind of was.
People said stuff about hockey players all the time, especially me; but it wasn’t that big of deal, after all this was what I did for a living - it came with the territory. As soon as I got into a relationship, Natasha was right, those hater websites popped up everywhere; giving reason after reason why person A, wasn’t good enough for person B.
Was it selfish of me to bring that down on someone like Jespin? It was different with girls that I dated before; the ones that wanted that attention, but what about someone that didn’t.
Jespin seemed like a genuine person from what I knew; and even though I wasn’t about to get serious with her, it still felt like a possibility.
Didn’t I deserve to be with someone who actually wanted to be with me?


I guess we can always talk about it… it’s not like we can’t take things slow, and figure out where we stand, before we make it public… I debated with myself as I headed back towards the medical area of the arena. If we make it public... if 'we' even exist.
I was nervous, something that caused me to smile at myself. I was such a confident person, regardless of what it was; women, hockey, life in general. I guess my confidence stemmed from hockey and, Jespin just wasn’t interested in the fact that I played hockey. It was like not having the advantage with women that I had come to rely one; it was frightening.

I heard her voice coming out of one of the medical rooms, a sound that caused my grin to change from a nervous tick to a confident smile. This wasn’t so bad; I knew what I wanted, now it was just a matter of getting it.

After listening for a second I realized that she was on the phone. I stood back, leaning against the wall while I waited for her to finish; this might just turn out to be a great night after all…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*


Not a Pretty Girl - Ani DiFranco


I sighed, wishing against anything that I was not having this conversation, not now. “Listen… just calm down! I’m fine… I shouldn’t have said anything…”

“Shouldn’t have said anything?! Some girl attacked you at work… I hope you contacted security.” I groaned as Sidney started to rant about pressing charges and contacting the police.

“She slapped me and pulled my hair! She didn’t stab me or something… just stop it, you’re being ridiculous.” I sighed as I paced back and forth around the room.

“No… no… I’m calling someone about this.”

“Stop it!” I snapped, letting out an angry hiss. Me and my big mouth; if I could just go back in time and not tell him about this…
I had told him as a joke, something that was actually kind of funny when you thought about it. She pulled my hair and I punched her; that’s sort of epic.

“Jespin! I’m telling Mario and you’re coming back.”

“What? No I’m not.”

“Listen-”

“-no you listen! Stop trying to tell me what to do! I can take care of myself… I did take care of myself! I even remembered to keep my thumb on the outside of my fist, just like Godard showed me!”

“Jespin!” Sidney sighed, completely exasperated. “Yes, ok, I’m glad that you’re ok, and I’m glad that you stuck up for yourself… but you shouldn’t have to! If you were here I could be taking care of you…”

“Ugh!” I grunted in frustration, stamping my foot. “Will you listen to yourself? I don’t need you to take care of me… I don’t need a man to be ok.”

“Oh Jespin… what is this really about? Do you want to come home and you just don’t want to say it?” Sidney asked, a smugness in his voice.

“No… I don’t want to go back to Pittsburgh. I like it here. I just don’t understand why you’re acting like I’m incompetent!”

“You never had a problem with how I acted before…” Yah, before you just acted like an overprotective brother… now you’re really starting to piss me off… I thought sullenly. “Is there someone there Jes? Do you like someone else? Is this your way of telling me to screw off?”

And this is what it will always come down to. He sounded so sad, so pitiful as he mumbled out a string of questions. “No… I’m not telling you to screw off! Remember, I said that we would talk about this when I got home, and I meant that. Ok?”

“You’re not in love with someone else?”

I wanted to say that I wasn’t in love with anyone, but that seemed harsh. Sighing I sat back down on the table. “No, there is no one else here. I have no interest in anyone here… ok?” I asked slowly, positive anyone could hear the lie in my voice.

We said our goodbyes and I hung up the phone, shaking my head at what had just taken place. I couldn’t believe how badly he had flipped out when I first told him about the fight. That’s not what I was looking for, I didn’t want him to go all knight in shinning armour on me.

I turned around, getting ready to head out. I grabbed my bag and tossed the now, flaccid, ice pack into the sink. I walked down the hall quickly, wondering why Alex had never come back; after all, there was a game tonight. “Jespin, who were you just talking to?” Brooks yelled, coming around a corner and stopping me in my tracks.

“What?”

“You were on the phone a minute ago… who with?”

“A guy from back home why?”

“Shit.” Brooks groaned, exhaling deeply. “What did you say exactly?”

“I don’t know… I told him about the fight… why?” I shifted my weight back and forth impatiently. I was going to be spending all night here, home and food sounded like a fantastic break.
Not to mention the fact that I had to call Keisha and do a crap ton of homework.

“What did you say about Alex though?” He pressed, his tone betraying his attempt at a calm demeanour.

“Nothing…” I shrugged, still completely unsure of where this conversation was going.

He shook his head and glanced away. “Look… one second Ovie was heading down there to find you, all giddy; the next he’s storming out… something about you on the phone.”

Me on the phone? What was the last thing I said? I re-ran the end of my conversation in my head. “Oh…” No, there is no one else here. I have no interest in anyone here… ok? “Shit…” And right after I told Alex I didn’t have a boyfriend. I threw my hands over my face and let out a groan. “Brooks… it’s not like that… I was talking to a guy from back home that likes me, I just didn’t want to hurt his feelings…”

“Alright but… no boyfriend? No shit I should know about?” I shook my head earnestly, my eyes pleading with him. “I’ll go have a talk with him alright… just give him some space for now, ok?” I nodded, watching him take off down the hall to try and fix my situation for me. Maybe Sidney’s right… maybe I can’t take care of myself… me and my big stupid mouth.