Allow me to apologise for how choppy this update is. After rearranging some things, I was left with three little pieces of a story. I twisted them to make them fit together... please forgive the writing in this one lol.
What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes
(Amazing video btw… if you don’t normally watch them, you should check this one out).
I hung up the phone, just as the sun started to pour in through the window of my room.
Keisha was beside me, sleeping soundly on my bed. I grinned as I laid my phone down on the bedside table; rolling over as I breathed a sigh of relief.
Just one phone call, just hearing his voice and being able to laugh along with him could change so much.
Of course I would have to deal with repercussions later. It was like the last day all over again; but now I would be left waiting, wondering when the next time I talked to him would be, and what kind of emotional state I would be in whenever it happened.
I allowed my mind to wander to Sidney, wondering what I was going to do… what could I do?
What do I do when I can’t change the world around me?
I didn’t want to be that girl anymore; the girl that used her friend as a safety net. It wasn’t fair to put him through this, to allow us to both look over the fact that this relationship was one of convenience and not love.
Maybe being alone would be the best thing for me. Maybe having to face the pain head on would help me move through it faster.
Anyone who’d lost their love knew that time doesn’t heal; not at all. But we do survive and we do move on. We get up each morning and know that even if we’re sitting in the gutter, when we look up, we can still see the stars.
Even if they’re farther away then before, they still exist, they’re still there.
Sidney would thank me for this, eventually. It was going to hurt at first, for both of us; but eventually he would have the opportunity to find someone that deserved him.
Someone that would be able to love him back, selflessly; someone that wouldn’t put him second.
So it was settled. Regardless of the fact that I would never have the person I wanted; I would no longer keep Sidney from his… even if he hadn’t found her yet.
Keisha sighed beside me and opened her eyes. “Off the phone finally?” She yawned, stretching her arms out above her head.
“Yah… just.” I grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.
“Back together now?”
I bit my lip and gave her a small smile. “No. We’re still done but… I did finally figure out what I’m gonna do about Sidney…”
“Oh?”
I nodded slowly. “I’m gonna tell him that I just can’t… it’s just not fair to either one of us. I can’t even do the physical stuff anymore. It needs to be done, he needs to find someone better.” I sighed, fluffing the pillow underneath me. “It’s gonna suck… a lot, not having him to take my mind off of it, but it has to be done. I know that I can't change the past, or alter the future... but I can do the right thing now. That has to count for something.”
“Well, you’re a lot more selfless than I would be. I’m here for you though… you know? I can stay as long as you need… or you can come back to Washington with me… either way, you don’t have to do this alone.”
“Thank Keisha…” I giggled, rolling onto my back. “It’s nice to know I have a true ally.”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I Need You Now - Lady Antebellum
It had taken me all of five minutes to realize that I needed to go back to the USA. I suppose that I had subconsciously been planning a trip back ever since I heard her voice on the phone a few weeks ago; but now it was real, decided.
I told Masha I was going back, not why, but I assumed she could tell. Whether or not she actually cared, I wasn’t sure.
She knew why Jespin left and I supposed she didn’t think that anything would be able to change her mind. I wasn’t sure either, I just knew that I had to try.
I couldn’t figure out my reasoning for going back, other than the fact that I had to do something, anything.
The guys were surprised to see me back; figuring that I wouldn’t show my face again, not after the awards. They probably assumed that I was going to hide in Russia until training camp - which wasn’t far off from my original plan.
“So when are you gonna go see her?” Greener asked I sat with some of the boys at a small diner. I shrugged.
“I don’t know why you don’t just go see her now.” Brooks suggested, using his fork to cut through the apple pie in front of him.
“Cause it’s almost two in the morning, for starters…” I retorted, taking another sip of coffee. “Besides, just because I’m here doesn’t mean that I’ve worked out what I’m going to say. I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish…”
Brooks snorted, causing Fed, Semi and Greener to glare at him. “What?” He spat, glaring back at them. “He flew all the way here from fucking Russia, and he expects me to believe that?” He shook his head, turning his attention to me. “You want her back. So don’t sit here and pretend that you don’t know what you’re going to do. Maybe you don’t have a plan, but you know perfectly well what you want to accomplish…”
“She’s got Crosby now, it’s not that simple.”
“You’ve never let Crosby stop you before… not on the ice anyway. Now, unless you turn into some kind of pussy when you’re out of uniform, I don’t see why he’d stop you now.” He was being harsh and brutally honest, but I couldn’t deny his words.
Really, if I went and talked to her, it wasn’t like I’d screw things up worse. Crosby would probably hate me more, and she might tell me to leave - but I’d come to far to just sit here sulking.
“Brooks…” Greener started, about to tell him off for being a dick.
I shook my head, interrupting him. “No he’s right. I’m going there tomorrow… I didn’t come all this way to hang out with you losers.”
They grumbled a few insults my way, but after that, the conversation lightened considerably. It was nice to think about something else, try and put Jespin out of my mind for a few hours.
I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I hoped that the words would come to me; as long as I didn’t lose my cool around her - which was totally possible.
As a form of chickening out, I walked away from the table for a minute, pulling out my cell phone. I wasn’t planning on tell Jes that I was here, rather, feel her out and see where he mindset was; as opposed to dropping in on her with no idea.
It wasn’t Jespin who answered though. “Umm, who’s this?”
“Is this Alex?”
“Yah…”
“Oh! Oh hi… I’m Keisha, we met before… back at the Verizon Center…” The girl said, reminding me of the day when I found out for sure that Jespin liked me.
I nodded to myself. “Right, right… umm, is Jespin there?”
“Yah…” She sighed, sounding apprehensive. “She’s kind of in the middle of something though… could I maybe get her to call you back?”
“No… it’s fine. Could I ask you something? I’m planning on going over there tomorrow to see her… do you think she’d be angry?” I pressed, worrying about her answer.
She hummed for a second before answering. “I don’t think she’d be mad, but tomorrow might be bad timing… are you going to be around on Saturday?”
“Yah… I’ll head over then. Thanks.”
“No problem, and listen. I really want things to work out for you guys so… anything I can ever do to help…”
I thanked her, happy to know that I had an ally, who also happened to be good friends with Jespin.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Do I - Luke Bryan
I had done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, about Jespin and me. I knew what I wanted, I wanted her; but more than that, I wanted her to want me too.
There was no other girl that made me feel that way that she did, and there were a lot of girls.
It wasn’t like I was a prude and didn’t notice other women; it was just the fact that Jespin was one of the few I thought was capable of really wanting me, for me; but she didn’t even want me.
I was stubborn though, and hard-headed, so I had believed if I just gave her time and hung on she’d eventually come around. Maybe I was wrong…
What if all I would ever be was Sidney Crosby the hockey player? Maybe I had spent so much time focused on becoming the best, I had missed out on all the opportunities to grow as a person. I obviously wasn’t the kind of man that I was suppose to be, if I was, then Jespin would want me.
Was Ovechkin really that much better than I was?
I sighed as I watched her walk away from me; Keisha came down the stairs hastily flipping Jespin’s phone shut, shooting apologetic glances at both of us.
Keisha and Jespin exchanged a few hushed words on the stairs before Jespin disappeared; heading off to her bedroom.
I couldn’t believe that she had just dumped me; or not even. We weren’t even together and she still thought that this was too much.
I had thought we were moving forward, there were times during the sex where it felt like she was finally into me; now I knew she was probably just imagining him. “Are you ok?” Keisha asked slowly, taking a step off the stairs and moving towards me.
“I don’t know… I guess I should be happy right? At least she’s not stringing me on but…” I shrugged my shoulders as I chuckled humourlessly, “I kinda wish she still was.”
She sat down beside me, not speaking as I ran over Jes’s words in my head at length. “I don’t think I’ll recover from this… this really sucks.”
“You’ll recover… don’t worry. You’ll find someone else who wants to be with you and you’ll still have Jes in your life. She loves you, you know? I know it’s killing her that she can’t turn it into the kind of love that you want but… she’s only ending this so that you can have a chance at happiness.”
“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” I asked quietly, wondering why I was confiding in a person that I hardly knew.
She shook her head quickly, laughing slightly. “Sorry…” She apologised once she saw the look on my face. “I just… I always though hockey players were suppose to be all tough and manly… not care about stuff like this…” Keisha explained hastily, looking me in the eye. “There’s nothing wrong with you Sidney, sometimes people just aren’t meant to be together… no matter how badly you want it to work out.
At least this way, you’re still able to have Jes in your life, that’s worth something right?”
I nodded, mulling over her words in my head. I knew that she was probably right, this was for the better. I might never get over Jespin fully but at least she was allowing me to move forward with my life; even if it did suck a lot right now.
“Does it ever get easier?”
She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know… they say it does but… I don’t think that the pain ever goes away, we just become better equipped to deal with it; we get stronger over time.” She exhaled quietly, her body slumping slightly as she glanced away. “My boyfriend dumped me for my best friend in high school… I lost both of them in one swoop. I’m not saying that what I went through is any worse than what you’re going through but… I’m still here… you will be too.”
I nodded as Keisha got up and headed towards the stairs. “Hey Keisha.” I called, causing her to turn around. “I think maybe I should just stay away for a couple days but… will you tell Jes that I still care about her… and that I’m glad she did this…” She nodded, turning to leave again. “And Keisha…”
“Yah Sidney…” She smiled as she climbed the stairs.
“Thanks a lot, for understanding… I didn’t think I’d find someone else who ‘got it’, it’s nice to feel like I have an ally.”
She grinned at me as she headed up the stairs. "You have no idea how many times I've heard that lately, but you're welcome all the same."
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
#55 - Hollow
I’m Sorry - Buckcherry
I looked at Sidney as he stood in front of me. He wanted me to go home with him for the summer, be his girlfriend, and come out to the public; but everything he wanted was wrong.
I stared at him as he waited for me, patiently, like always. I shook my head, I had no right to do this to him. I wanted to say everything to him, find some way to make this up to him; make it better.
I wanted to look at him and have my heart race, feel myself falling in love with him; the way I should have been.
I had nothing to say though, nothing that he didn’t already know; so I said it anyway. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry about everything that I ever said to you or did to you Sidney. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that you’ve wasted so much time on me…”
I dropped my head, resting it in my hands as I tried to decide what I needed to do. “We can’t do this Sidney… I can’t do this.”
“We’re not doing anything Jes! We’re not together, I know that… if you don’t want to be with me yet then just say it and I’ll give it a rest.”
“No Sidney… I can’t do this. I can’t just keep you dangling in my life, it’s the most selfish thing that I’ve ever done.”
He fell down onto his knees in front of me, pulling my hands into his. “You’re not dangling me Jes… I want to be here. I love you and there’s no where else I want to be.”
I took a deep breath, trying to suck the tears back down before they fell. “But I don’t love you.”
“Not now…”
“What if I don’t ever love you? Ever?”
He looked away from me, sighing deeply. “I don’t know Jes… I just think you can’t possible know that right now. You’re still hurting over someone else so of course you don’t feel like you’ll ever love again-” I shook my head, he just didn’t understand, and there was no way I could make him see. “Ok look Jespin, I’m going home for a few weeks, maybe some time apart will make you see that you need me.”
“I do need you Sidney… just not like that.” He shrugged his shoulders, like it didn’t matter in the least.
“I’ll see you when I get back.” He stood up, kissing the top of my head before he turned around and headed out the door.
I flopped back down on my bed, cursing myself for being so destructive. I found it ironic that when I was really fucking with Sidney’s life, people loved me. As long as I wasn’t pictured with Ovechkin ever again, I could do no wrong; it didn’t make any sense, Sidney was better off when I was in Russia. “Hey girlie…” Keisha said softly as she moved into my room, laying down beside me. “He gone?”
I nodded my head, glancing over at her. “I don’t know what to do about him…”
She sighed, looking away from me to stare at the ceiling. “Well, he’ll find someone else you know, if you don’t end up with him. I just… I don’t want to see you settle, not that Sidney Crosby is really settling… ass like that… but, you know what I mean.” She chuckled as I let out an airy laugh.
“I can’t go back to Alex though…”
“I don’t know. He’s back with that girl so… who knows but, I think he loves you… even if he didn’t say it. You just need to figure out whether or not Alex is the one for you, then you‘ll know what to do.”
“And how do I do that?” I asked sceptically.
She rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows so that she could look at me. ”Well how did you feel when you saw him at the awards?”
I bit my lip, bringing up the memories in my mind. “Happy I guess, I was glad to see him. Sad to think that he’s back with that girl… jealous… that he wasn’t mine and that I couldn’t leave with him. Empty when he was gone.”
“And how do you feel now that he’s gone back to Russia?”
“Hollow.” I answered honestly, the word coming easily to me. I clutched my arms around me as I spoke it, involuntarily trying to cover the hole in my chest. “Hollow like there are pieces of me missing.”
“When Sidney’s around, do you feel whole again?”
I shook my head. “No, but it feels like I have someone else to help me try and cover the hole. The same way I feel when I’m with you. Just to have a friend, someone I trust.”
She nodded, thinking over my words. “Well then, I think you need to go after Alex. If you don’t think that hole can be filled by anyone else…”
“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?” I asked sadly, wondering what Alex was doing now.
“I don’t think it’s ever too late…”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hollow - Godsmack
I sat by myself, cap pulled low over my face as I waited for Masha to hurry up. She’d been trying on clothing all day and I couldn’t wait to get home; I was exhausted.
It took more energy to put up a fake front then it did to win hockey games. Even with my best attempts at hiding how I felt, I could tell the people closest to me could still tell.
I was a hollow man, there was nothing left on the inside, at least it was less painful this way. No matter how hollow I was though, I still couldn’t forget about her.
I went through the motions with Masha, but that’s all it was gesture after meaningless gesture. We spent time together, had sex, slept in the same bed, ate at the same table; but there was noting behind it.
She didn’t seem to care, but we had an understanding. I didn’t want to be alone; look pathetic and forlorn in front of the world and she wanted a rich boyfriend.
It was a compromise that we could both live with; me, because I didn’t really have any other choice.
“I’m going out tonight… are you coming?” Masha asked as she came down the stairs.
I was laid out on the couch, my eyes focused on the TV as I flicked through the channels.
“No.”
She huffed, pulling on a pair of stilettos. “Fine then, do you have cash on you?”
I reached for my pocket, tugging my wallet out and chucking it at her; never looking away from the TV.
I listened until I heard the door close behind her, before I reached for the phone. It was a really bad thing to do, for all I knew Jespin and Sidney were all lovey-dovey, but I still had to check.
The phone rang three times before she answered it. “Alex?”
“Yah! Hey! … how’d you know?”
“Not too many people calling my house from Russia right now… especially not with the caller ID Ovechkin.” She giggled.
“True. Are you busy? Do you need me to let you go?”
“No! No, no… I’m not doing anything… how are you?” She asked, sounding genuinely interested.
I grinned as I laid back down on the couch. “Good… alright. Not really doing a whole lot… playing some pick up games of hockey down at the arena.”
She snorted. “I shouldn’t even be surprised… how are your parents?”
“Good. They’re doing good, my mom asks about you a lot, they both really miss you…” I really miss you.
It was amazing just how hearing her voice could change me, change my mood and my entire outlook. She sounded happy too; I liked to think that that was because of me, but I couldn’t be sure.
Just because I was devastated, didn’t mean she was too.
We stayed on the phone for hours, either way. Both of us chatting non-stop about our families and what else was going on in our lives; minus the relationship part.
“I guess I should probably let you go…” I said slowly as I looked at the clock and realized what time it was.
“Yah…” She said, yawning. “It’s pretty early, “I should probably get some sleep… it was really great hearing from you Alex, it’s been too long.”
“I know, I’m sorry… I should have called but, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me or… well, you know. Are things going good for you and Sidney?” I asked quickly, wondering if I would rather not know.
She sighed slowly. “We’re still not together. He wants to be but…” She sighed again, and we sat in silence for a few minutes before she started again. “He’s just not the one for me, and, I don’t know what to do about it.”
“You’re still not together?” I asked, trying to hide to relief in my voice. “Why? People saying stuff about you again?”
“No, oh no. Well, they were but, apparently it wasn’t as big of a deal… I just can’t lead him on anymore, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been too selfish with him for far too long.”
“You’re not selfish Jespin.” I said slowly, glancing up as I heard the front door open and Masha came in.
I was the one in a dead-end relationship, all because I didn’t want to be alone; Jespin was stronger than I was in that sense.
Masha didn’t say anything to me as I got off the phone. She headed up the stairs and I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway. Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and headed up the stairs too; exhausted but happy.
I smiled to myself as I headed down the small hallway, feeling just slightly less hollow.
I looked at Sidney as he stood in front of me. He wanted me to go home with him for the summer, be his girlfriend, and come out to the public; but everything he wanted was wrong.
I stared at him as he waited for me, patiently, like always. I shook my head, I had no right to do this to him. I wanted to say everything to him, find some way to make this up to him; make it better.
I wanted to look at him and have my heart race, feel myself falling in love with him; the way I should have been.
I had nothing to say though, nothing that he didn’t already know; so I said it anyway. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry about everything that I ever said to you or did to you Sidney. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that you’ve wasted so much time on me…”
I dropped my head, resting it in my hands as I tried to decide what I needed to do. “We can’t do this Sidney… I can’t do this.”
“We’re not doing anything Jes! We’re not together, I know that… if you don’t want to be with me yet then just say it and I’ll give it a rest.”
“No Sidney… I can’t do this. I can’t just keep you dangling in my life, it’s the most selfish thing that I’ve ever done.”
He fell down onto his knees in front of me, pulling my hands into his. “You’re not dangling me Jes… I want to be here. I love you and there’s no where else I want to be.”
I took a deep breath, trying to suck the tears back down before they fell. “But I don’t love you.”
“Not now…”
“What if I don’t ever love you? Ever?”
He looked away from me, sighing deeply. “I don’t know Jes… I just think you can’t possible know that right now. You’re still hurting over someone else so of course you don’t feel like you’ll ever love again-” I shook my head, he just didn’t understand, and there was no way I could make him see. “Ok look Jespin, I’m going home for a few weeks, maybe some time apart will make you see that you need me.”
“I do need you Sidney… just not like that.” He shrugged his shoulders, like it didn’t matter in the least.
“I’ll see you when I get back.” He stood up, kissing the top of my head before he turned around and headed out the door.
I flopped back down on my bed, cursing myself for being so destructive. I found it ironic that when I was really fucking with Sidney’s life, people loved me. As long as I wasn’t pictured with Ovechkin ever again, I could do no wrong; it didn’t make any sense, Sidney was better off when I was in Russia. “Hey girlie…” Keisha said softly as she moved into my room, laying down beside me. “He gone?”
I nodded my head, glancing over at her. “I don’t know what to do about him…”
She sighed, looking away from me to stare at the ceiling. “Well, he’ll find someone else you know, if you don’t end up with him. I just… I don’t want to see you settle, not that Sidney Crosby is really settling… ass like that… but, you know what I mean.” She chuckled as I let out an airy laugh.
“I can’t go back to Alex though…”
“I don’t know. He’s back with that girl so… who knows but, I think he loves you… even if he didn’t say it. You just need to figure out whether or not Alex is the one for you, then you‘ll know what to do.”
“And how do I do that?” I asked sceptically.
She rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows so that she could look at me. ”Well how did you feel when you saw him at the awards?”
I bit my lip, bringing up the memories in my mind. “Happy I guess, I was glad to see him. Sad to think that he’s back with that girl… jealous… that he wasn’t mine and that I couldn’t leave with him. Empty when he was gone.”
“And how do you feel now that he’s gone back to Russia?”
“Hollow.” I answered honestly, the word coming easily to me. I clutched my arms around me as I spoke it, involuntarily trying to cover the hole in my chest. “Hollow like there are pieces of me missing.”
“When Sidney’s around, do you feel whole again?”
I shook my head. “No, but it feels like I have someone else to help me try and cover the hole. The same way I feel when I’m with you. Just to have a friend, someone I trust.”
She nodded, thinking over my words. “Well then, I think you need to go after Alex. If you don’t think that hole can be filled by anyone else…”
“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?” I asked sadly, wondering what Alex was doing now.
“I don’t think it’s ever too late…”
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Hollow - Godsmack
I sat by myself, cap pulled low over my face as I waited for Masha to hurry up. She’d been trying on clothing all day and I couldn’t wait to get home; I was exhausted.
It took more energy to put up a fake front then it did to win hockey games. Even with my best attempts at hiding how I felt, I could tell the people closest to me could still tell.
I was a hollow man, there was nothing left on the inside, at least it was less painful this way. No matter how hollow I was though, I still couldn’t forget about her.
I went through the motions with Masha, but that’s all it was gesture after meaningless gesture. We spent time together, had sex, slept in the same bed, ate at the same table; but there was noting behind it.
She didn’t seem to care, but we had an understanding. I didn’t want to be alone; look pathetic and forlorn in front of the world and she wanted a rich boyfriend.
It was a compromise that we could both live with; me, because I didn’t really have any other choice.
“I’m going out tonight… are you coming?” Masha asked as she came down the stairs.
I was laid out on the couch, my eyes focused on the TV as I flicked through the channels.
“No.”
She huffed, pulling on a pair of stilettos. “Fine then, do you have cash on you?”
I reached for my pocket, tugging my wallet out and chucking it at her; never looking away from the TV.
I listened until I heard the door close behind her, before I reached for the phone. It was a really bad thing to do, for all I knew Jespin and Sidney were all lovey-dovey, but I still had to check.
The phone rang three times before she answered it. “Alex?”
“Yah! Hey! … how’d you know?”
“Not too many people calling my house from Russia right now… especially not with the caller ID Ovechkin.” She giggled.
“True. Are you busy? Do you need me to let you go?”
“No! No, no… I’m not doing anything… how are you?” She asked, sounding genuinely interested.
I grinned as I laid back down on the couch. “Good… alright. Not really doing a whole lot… playing some pick up games of hockey down at the arena.”
She snorted. “I shouldn’t even be surprised… how are your parents?”
“Good. They’re doing good, my mom asks about you a lot, they both really miss you…” I really miss you.
It was amazing just how hearing her voice could change me, change my mood and my entire outlook. She sounded happy too; I liked to think that that was because of me, but I couldn’t be sure.
Just because I was devastated, didn’t mean she was too.
We stayed on the phone for hours, either way. Both of us chatting non-stop about our families and what else was going on in our lives; minus the relationship part.
“I guess I should probably let you go…” I said slowly as I looked at the clock and realized what time it was.
“Yah…” She said, yawning. “It’s pretty early, “I should probably get some sleep… it was really great hearing from you Alex, it’s been too long.”
“I know, I’m sorry… I should have called but, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me or… well, you know. Are things going good for you and Sidney?” I asked quickly, wondering if I would rather not know.
She sighed slowly. “We’re still not together. He wants to be but…” She sighed again, and we sat in silence for a few minutes before she started again. “He’s just not the one for me, and, I don’t know what to do about it.”
“You’re still not together?” I asked, trying to hide to relief in my voice. “Why? People saying stuff about you again?”
“No, oh no. Well, they were but, apparently it wasn’t as big of a deal… I just can’t lead him on anymore, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been too selfish with him for far too long.”
“You’re not selfish Jespin.” I said slowly, glancing up as I heard the front door open and Masha came in.
I was the one in a dead-end relationship, all because I didn’t want to be alone; Jespin was stronger than I was in that sense.
Masha didn’t say anything to me as I got off the phone. She headed up the stairs and I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway. Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and headed up the stairs too; exhausted but happy.
I smiled to myself as I headed down the small hallway, feeling just slightly less hollow.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
#54 - Award Show
You and Me - Life house(Cover)
It had been over a month since I last saw Jespin. It should have felt strange seeing her again, it should have hurt less, but it didn’t. It also didn’t help that Jespin was impossible not to see; impossible to ignore. She walked in beside her father, Sidney trailing closely behind as they walked down the steps towards their seats.
I could feel people torn; some looking at them, some looking at me - all of them looking for some kind of reaction. I wanted to keep my eyes away from her, but I couldn’t look away; she was the only thing I could see.
Like a magnetic connection, her large emerald eyes found me instantaneously; a slight smile touching the edge of her lips as we stared at each other. “Ovie… people are looking at you…” Greener whispered from beside me, trying to get my attention.
I heard him of course, I could feel their eyes before he said anything; but I didn’t give a shit. At this moment she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, I wasn’t about to look away.
Who knew when I’d see her again after this? If all I had was a few hours to stare at her, that’s what I was going to do.
They took their seats, two rows behind me, to the left; Greener’s arm was the only thing that stopped me from turning around completely.
I was acting retarded, I knew that; but I couldn’t bring my mind to figure out why that was a bad thing - I was in love with her, didn’t that mean I had the right to stare?
I saw an arm drape around her bare shoulders and I twitched involuntarily before I realized who it belonged to; her father, not Sidney.
Regardless of how incredible Jespin looked, I couldn't stare at her anymore; it was different now. There wasn't just random people gawking at me, now it was her father. No, not gawking... Mario Lemieux was watching me; tilting his head and watching me, as if he’d never really seen me before this moment.
I allowed my eyes to wander over to the other side of Mario. Sidney was looking pointedly at the stage, even though there was no one on it.
He looked as uncomfortable as I felt; of course I was only uncomfortable because I was straining my neck.
The lights went down and I lost sight of her. I looked back for a few minutes in the dark before I realized that I’d probably have to wait till this thing was over to see her again. I sighed, turning around and leaning over to Greener. “I’m in love with her.” I said softly, causing his mouth to pop open.
“Yah… I know… but… I don't think this is the place...” He let out an awkward whistle, glancing back over his shoulder in Jespin’s direction.
I knew it was fruitless, the lights were still off, but on impulse I looked back too.
The music started and I was forced the turn around, not paying attention as my eyes zoned out on the stage.
It felt so surreal, being this close to her again, but not being able to touch her. I needed to though, I knew without a doubt that I needed to get her alone at some point; at least talk to her.
Hart, Richard, Pearson. Three awards, on the stage three time, and I couldn’t see a damn thing under the fucking lights. “What do I do man?” I hissed at Mike as the lights went back on and everyone started to get up.
He shrugged, looking back over his shoulder. “I don’t know, but you better do something fast… they’re taking off.” I groaned and looked back. I had no idea what after party they were going too. If they got out those doors, it’d be game over.
I ran out into the hallway, pushing past the crowd of people, as I attempted to reach Jespin.
I couldn’t find her in the crowd and when I finally got to the doors, I realized that I must have missed her.
“She’s right there.” I turned around at the sound of someone speaking in my ear. “She’s just waiting under the awning, trying to stay out of the rain…” Mario said, pointing out the doors and off to the side. I followed his finger and saw Jespin standing with Oksana under the red canopy.
“Thanks…” I said slowly, staring at my favourite hockey player and the father of the woman that I loved. I felt like I should say something else, like I should explain to him that I loved her and wanted to be with her. That she wanted me too, and we only ended because it was too hard for her.
I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for his daughter; but he smiled at me, and I could tell he already knew. "I don't mean to play devil's advocate... but you should probably get out there..." He smirked, causing me to nod as his eyes focused in on something behind me.
I turned around, throwing myself out the door and taking off through the rain, not stopping until I reached Jespin.
Oksana looked back and forth between us as I came to a halt beside her; giving me a grin before she turned around and walked a few feet away.
We stared at each other for an eternity; my eyes drinking in every perfect feature of her beautiful face as she stared back. It felt like it had been a million years since I stood this close to her; when in reality it had only been several weeks. “Hey.” She said softly, her eyes sparkling in under the lights as tears began to outline them.
“Hey.” I said back, laughing slightly at the absurdity of it all. “You look amazing.”
“Thanks, you look pretty debonair yourself.” I raised an eyebrow at her as she laughed lightly, shaking her head as she did so; her smooth black hair falling out around her shoulders.
“I… I guess I should go, don’t want to keep him waiting.” I nodded back at the parking lot where Sidney was talking with Mario. Mario looked like he was busy, keeping Sidney oblivious to my conversation with Jespin.
“Alex-” She started but I pressed a finger to her soft lips, silencing her.
“Be happy Jespin, please. I don’t think that I could stand it, if I knew you weren’t… I don’t even care if it’s not with me, just…” I sighed, looking away from her as she glanced back at Sidney.
She nodded slowly, before returning her gaze back to me. “I wish that things…”
“Me too.”
“Are you ok?” I nodded slowly, looking down at my feet.
“Of course.” I answered, as smugly as possible, trying to hide anything in my voice that might betray me. “Your boyfriend’s waiting for you…” I said quietly, causing her to turn around.
“He’s not my boyfriend.“ She answered honestly as we both looked at him. He didn’t look angry or upset as he watched us, he looked fearful. Mario said something to him, grabbing his arm and tugging him away. I sighed, I was wrong, the last thing that I needed was to be alone with Jespin.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This - Toby Keith
I watched my dad lead Sidney away, wondering how on earth I was suppose to follow after them.
It was a horrible night out, the rain was pelting down and all I wanted to do was get inside some place warm and dry, but I couldn’t make my feet move.
I turned back around and looked up at Alex; he looked great, a lot better than I did. I could still see the sadness in his eyes, but I was positive he’d recover. After all, I was the one that had broken my own heart; he wasn’t loosing a piece of himself when I walked away. “You never danced with me.” I said suddenly, looking through the bay window as some of the Penguins twirled their dates around the large banquet room.
“You wanna dance?” He asked, shifting back and forth on his feet, uncomfortably. I nodded, and he took my hand.
I glanced back over my shoulder as Oksana grinned at me, still waiting for Geno.
No one was paying any attention to us;I knew we couldn't go inside, not with everyone in there. Instead he took my hand, leading me away from the awning and out into the darkened parking lot.
There was just enough light, - from the cars driving past on the highway - that I could see Alex fairly clearly. The wet pavement reflected the light even further as the rain pelted down on us.
Alex held me at a respective distance, which I appreciated; if he had of pulled me into his chest, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.
His hands rested lightly on the small of my back, holding us in a circle as we rotated slowly to music that didn't exist.
When he was close like this, it was hard to keep my resolve. All I could do was remind myself that this was the only way. Alex didn’t love me and it was too much pain to go through for anything less.
Sidney, he loved me, I already knew that. He also knew that I didn’t love him, not in the same way… but he was ok with that.
He fully believed that time would heal this wound and then I would be his; whole-heartedly.
I wasn’t so optimistic. I knew that there was no way these wounds would ever heal; and in all honesty, I wasn’t even sure that I wanted them to. I never wanted to forget the feeling of bliss that fell over me every time Alex came near.
“So why aren’t you together?” He asked finally, as he pulled me closer to him. I looked up at him and he was looking away. I blinked quickly, not from tears but from the rain that was trailing down my face.
I shrugged, locking my hands behind his neck as we continued to sway. “He’s asked but… I don’t know.” I answered half honestly. I knew why I couldn’t say yes to Sidney, I was still in love with Alex, and that wasn’t fair to him. Then again, I was being open with him about it, he knew I was broken goods, and yet he still wanted me.
There was just something there, some kind of wasted hope. The desire that Alex and I might somehow figure this out.
The dream that he might actually love me back.
I knew that love wouldn’t change what people said about me, but I was too selfish to go through all the pain for anything less than a total commitment; and I just wasn’t sure Alex could give me that.
I had heard rumours that he was back with his old girlfriend anyway; something that made me sad. It was like he was purposely putting himself through misery - hadn’t I proved to him that he was worth more than that?
Obviously not. Then again, he didn’t hold the same weight on me that I held on him. I was just one of the other girls, someone that he had pursued and achieved, like every other girl that had ever passed through his life.
I could feel someone watching us and I realized that Sidney was there. He gave me a sheepish smile; like he was the one caught doing something wrong. I sighed and pulled away from Alex. “I have to go.” I said softly, looking up at him as he nodded.
“Right. I’ll see you around then Jes… good luck, with everything.” He said, reaching up to push his wet hair out of his face.
I nodded watching him walk away from me. I cursed at myself as I felt the tears start to fall down my face; the last thing I needed to do was cry.
Sidney’s arms wrapped around me then, and he tugged me tightly against his chest. “I’m sorry…” I groaned, trying to hide my face, as tears began to mingle with the rain drops.
“It’s ok Jespin…” He whispered, clutching me tighter against his chest; I could feel my drenched dress, soaking his suit.
“It’s not though Sidney… it’s not fair for me to do this to you. You don’t deserve this.”
He rolled his eyes at me and grinned. “I think I deserve whatever I want… and right now it’s the beautiful green eyed girl with makeup running down her face.”
“Oh no…” I groaned bringing my hands up to cover my eyes.
Sidney just laughed, tucking me tightly under his arm as we headed for the car.
It had been over a month since I last saw Jespin. It should have felt strange seeing her again, it should have hurt less, but it didn’t. It also didn’t help that Jespin was impossible not to see; impossible to ignore. She walked in beside her father, Sidney trailing closely behind as they walked down the steps towards their seats.
I could feel people torn; some looking at them, some looking at me - all of them looking for some kind of reaction. I wanted to keep my eyes away from her, but I couldn’t look away; she was the only thing I could see.
Like a magnetic connection, her large emerald eyes found me instantaneously; a slight smile touching the edge of her lips as we stared at each other. “Ovie… people are looking at you…” Greener whispered from beside me, trying to get my attention.
I heard him of course, I could feel their eyes before he said anything; but I didn’t give a shit. At this moment she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, I wasn’t about to look away.
Who knew when I’d see her again after this? If all I had was a few hours to stare at her, that’s what I was going to do.
They took their seats, two rows behind me, to the left; Greener’s arm was the only thing that stopped me from turning around completely.
I was acting retarded, I knew that; but I couldn’t bring my mind to figure out why that was a bad thing - I was in love with her, didn’t that mean I had the right to stare?
I saw an arm drape around her bare shoulders and I twitched involuntarily before I realized who it belonged to; her father, not Sidney.
Regardless of how incredible Jespin looked, I couldn't stare at her anymore; it was different now. There wasn't just random people gawking at me, now it was her father. No, not gawking... Mario Lemieux was watching me; tilting his head and watching me, as if he’d never really seen me before this moment.
I allowed my eyes to wander over to the other side of Mario. Sidney was looking pointedly at the stage, even though there was no one on it.
He looked as uncomfortable as I felt; of course I was only uncomfortable because I was straining my neck.
The lights went down and I lost sight of her. I looked back for a few minutes in the dark before I realized that I’d probably have to wait till this thing was over to see her again. I sighed, turning around and leaning over to Greener. “I’m in love with her.” I said softly, causing his mouth to pop open.
“Yah… I know… but… I don't think this is the place...” He let out an awkward whistle, glancing back over his shoulder in Jespin’s direction.
I knew it was fruitless, the lights were still off, but on impulse I looked back too.
The music started and I was forced the turn around, not paying attention as my eyes zoned out on the stage.
It felt so surreal, being this close to her again, but not being able to touch her. I needed to though, I knew without a doubt that I needed to get her alone at some point; at least talk to her.
Hart, Richard, Pearson. Three awards, on the stage three time, and I couldn’t see a damn thing under the fucking lights. “What do I do man?” I hissed at Mike as the lights went back on and everyone started to get up.
He shrugged, looking back over his shoulder. “I don’t know, but you better do something fast… they’re taking off.” I groaned and looked back. I had no idea what after party they were going too. If they got out those doors, it’d be game over.
I ran out into the hallway, pushing past the crowd of people, as I attempted to reach Jespin.
I couldn’t find her in the crowd and when I finally got to the doors, I realized that I must have missed her.
“She’s right there.” I turned around at the sound of someone speaking in my ear. “She’s just waiting under the awning, trying to stay out of the rain…” Mario said, pointing out the doors and off to the side. I followed his finger and saw Jespin standing with Oksana under the red canopy.
“Thanks…” I said slowly, staring at my favourite hockey player and the father of the woman that I loved. I felt like I should say something else, like I should explain to him that I loved her and wanted to be with her. That she wanted me too, and we only ended because it was too hard for her.
I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for his daughter; but he smiled at me, and I could tell he already knew. "I don't mean to play devil's advocate... but you should probably get out there..." He smirked, causing me to nod as his eyes focused in on something behind me.
I turned around, throwing myself out the door and taking off through the rain, not stopping until I reached Jespin.
Oksana looked back and forth between us as I came to a halt beside her; giving me a grin before she turned around and walked a few feet away.
We stared at each other for an eternity; my eyes drinking in every perfect feature of her beautiful face as she stared back. It felt like it had been a million years since I stood this close to her; when in reality it had only been several weeks. “Hey.” She said softly, her eyes sparkling in under the lights as tears began to outline them.
“Hey.” I said back, laughing slightly at the absurdity of it all. “You look amazing.”
“Thanks, you look pretty debonair yourself.” I raised an eyebrow at her as she laughed lightly, shaking her head as she did so; her smooth black hair falling out around her shoulders.
“I… I guess I should go, don’t want to keep him waiting.” I nodded back at the parking lot where Sidney was talking with Mario. Mario looked like he was busy, keeping Sidney oblivious to my conversation with Jespin.
“Alex-” She started but I pressed a finger to her soft lips, silencing her.
“Be happy Jespin, please. I don’t think that I could stand it, if I knew you weren’t… I don’t even care if it’s not with me, just…” I sighed, looking away from her as she glanced back at Sidney.
She nodded slowly, before returning her gaze back to me. “I wish that things…”
“Me too.”
“Are you ok?” I nodded slowly, looking down at my feet.
“Of course.” I answered, as smugly as possible, trying to hide anything in my voice that might betray me. “Your boyfriend’s waiting for you…” I said quietly, causing her to turn around.
“He’s not my boyfriend.“ She answered honestly as we both looked at him. He didn’t look angry or upset as he watched us, he looked fearful. Mario said something to him, grabbing his arm and tugging him away. I sighed, I was wrong, the last thing that I needed was to be alone with Jespin.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This - Toby Keith
I watched my dad lead Sidney away, wondering how on earth I was suppose to follow after them.
It was a horrible night out, the rain was pelting down and all I wanted to do was get inside some place warm and dry, but I couldn’t make my feet move.
I turned back around and looked up at Alex; he looked great, a lot better than I did. I could still see the sadness in his eyes, but I was positive he’d recover. After all, I was the one that had broken my own heart; he wasn’t loosing a piece of himself when I walked away. “You never danced with me.” I said suddenly, looking through the bay window as some of the Penguins twirled their dates around the large banquet room.
“You wanna dance?” He asked, shifting back and forth on his feet, uncomfortably. I nodded, and he took my hand.
I glanced back over my shoulder as Oksana grinned at me, still waiting for Geno.
No one was paying any attention to us;I knew we couldn't go inside, not with everyone in there. Instead he took my hand, leading me away from the awning and out into the darkened parking lot.
There was just enough light, - from the cars driving past on the highway - that I could see Alex fairly clearly. The wet pavement reflected the light even further as the rain pelted down on us.
Alex held me at a respective distance, which I appreciated; if he had of pulled me into his chest, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.
His hands rested lightly on the small of my back, holding us in a circle as we rotated slowly to music that didn't exist.
When he was close like this, it was hard to keep my resolve. All I could do was remind myself that this was the only way. Alex didn’t love me and it was too much pain to go through for anything less.
Sidney, he loved me, I already knew that. He also knew that I didn’t love him, not in the same way… but he was ok with that.
He fully believed that time would heal this wound and then I would be his; whole-heartedly.
I wasn’t so optimistic. I knew that there was no way these wounds would ever heal; and in all honesty, I wasn’t even sure that I wanted them to. I never wanted to forget the feeling of bliss that fell over me every time Alex came near.
“So why aren’t you together?” He asked finally, as he pulled me closer to him. I looked up at him and he was looking away. I blinked quickly, not from tears but from the rain that was trailing down my face.
I shrugged, locking my hands behind his neck as we continued to sway. “He’s asked but… I don’t know.” I answered half honestly. I knew why I couldn’t say yes to Sidney, I was still in love with Alex, and that wasn’t fair to him. Then again, I was being open with him about it, he knew I was broken goods, and yet he still wanted me.
There was just something there, some kind of wasted hope. The desire that Alex and I might somehow figure this out.
The dream that he might actually love me back.
I knew that love wouldn’t change what people said about me, but I was too selfish to go through all the pain for anything less than a total commitment; and I just wasn’t sure Alex could give me that.
I had heard rumours that he was back with his old girlfriend anyway; something that made me sad. It was like he was purposely putting himself through misery - hadn’t I proved to him that he was worth more than that?
Obviously not. Then again, he didn’t hold the same weight on me that I held on him. I was just one of the other girls, someone that he had pursued and achieved, like every other girl that had ever passed through his life.
I could feel someone watching us and I realized that Sidney was there. He gave me a sheepish smile; like he was the one caught doing something wrong. I sighed and pulled away from Alex. “I have to go.” I said softly, looking up at him as he nodded.
“Right. I’ll see you around then Jes… good luck, with everything.” He said, reaching up to push his wet hair out of his face.
I nodded watching him walk away from me. I cursed at myself as I felt the tears start to fall down my face; the last thing I needed to do was cry.
Sidney’s arms wrapped around me then, and he tugged me tightly against his chest. “I’m sorry…” I groaned, trying to hide my face, as tears began to mingle with the rain drops.
“It’s ok Jespin…” He whispered, clutching me tighter against his chest; I could feel my drenched dress, soaking his suit.
“It’s not though Sidney… it’s not fair for me to do this to you. You don’t deserve this.”
He rolled his eyes at me and grinned. “I think I deserve whatever I want… and right now it’s the beautiful green eyed girl with makeup running down her face.”
“Oh no…” I groaned bringing my hands up to cover my eyes.
Sidney just laughed, tucking me tightly under his arm as we headed for the car.
Monday, January 11, 2010
#53 - Physical Side
Gold Digger + 5th - Kanye West/Beethoven (I'm sorry... this makes no sense, other than a 'club song, but I love... lol)
I watched Oksana throw her arms around Geno’s neck as the beat started to pound out of the speakers.
I was beside Sidney, his arms wrapped around my waist as I moved along with him, laughing every time he stepped on me feet. “Jesus Sidney! Learn to walk!” I joked, as he rolled his eyes.
“I’m a hockey player, not a dancer.” He quipped back.
I felt someone come up behind me and groaned as Jordan pulled me out of Sidney’s arms. “Come dance with a master!” He yelled, pulling me into a spin as Sidney retreated back up the stairs towards the couches.
I glanced around the Diesel as Jordan and I started throwing out our best hip-hop moves; considering he grew up on a farm and I was in ballet for sixteen years - our best wasn’t very good. It wasn’t long before Max and group of girls were around us and I shook my head.
I waved goodbye to Jordan over the gaggle of platinum blond floozies, and he grinned back at me; grabbing onto someone and pulling her against him.
When I reached the VIP section I found Sidney, sitting quietly with Kris. “Well aren’t you two the life of the party.” I laughed, dropping down the couch in between them.
“Well, you apparently don’t like my dancing and Kris is being chased by cougars.” Sidney explained, grinning, he threw his arm around my shoulders as Kris blushed deeply. “Besides… I’m sick of celebrating in this building. I think I’m gonna go into hibernation until my birthday.”
“Party pooper…” I muttered under my breath as I searched the crowd for Keisha. I found her, laughing with Billy G as they stood by the VIP bar. “You want a drink?” I asked the guys.
They both nodded, getting up and following me to the bar.
“Hey!” Keisha smiled, pulling me into a hug as I came up behind her. “Amaretto shot?” She asked, flagging down the bartender.
Kris, Keisha and Billy started pounding back the shots as Sidney and I sat off to the side, laughing as Keisha drank them under the table.
“I’m too old for this shit!” Billy complained as we pulled up outside of his house. “Fuck… how am I gonna get up those stairs?” He groaned, his eyes focusing on the large cement steps that led up to his front door.
He shook his head as Sidney and I started to laugh at him. He got out of the SUV and stumbled on his first step.
“You gonna be ok?” Sidney called mockingly as Billy continued up the walk. He raised his hand over his head, shooting us the finger as Sidney pulled back out onto the road, laughing. “You alright back there Kris?”
Kris groaned from the backseat. “Never again… oh god.” I snorted as Keisha, giggled, shaking her head.
“Light-weight.” She quipped, glancing out the window as we headed to Kris’s apartment.
The three of us - Sidney, Keisha and I - walked through the front door of my house, a little after 3.
Sidney and I said goodnight to Keisha as she headed for the spare bedroom that had become her home for the past two weeks since she arrived in Pittsburgh.
Sidney flopped down on my bed. “I feel like I’m drunk and I didn’t even drink anything…”
“Drunk by osmosis.” I explained, laughing as he covered his face with his hands.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Love In This Club - 'Insert Rapper Name Here'(Cover)
“Not funny, seriously… I feel all sluggish and shit.” I groaned as she flopped down beside me.
“Oh muffin…” She cooed as I rolled over, pulling her body underneath mine.
“Be my girlfriend?”
She sighed, staring at me intently. “Sidney… we’ve been over this.”
I nodded my head, nuzzling my face into her warm neck. “I know, I know… but I told you a million times Jes, I don’t care.”
“It’s just not right Sidney… you know that I-”
“I know that you love him. Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be with me. You and Ovechkin are done babe. You said that yourself, you two aren’t getting back together.
This is gonna heal Jespin, you’re going to move on with your life. Why won’t you let me help you?”
She sighed audibly underneath me and I knew it was time to back off. She wasn’t there yet, she wasn’t ready to move forward with her words.
She wasn’t pushing me away though, not physically or mentally, and I was thankful for that. She always allowed me to hold her now, and she always told me what was going on in my mind.
She had been totally open with me about how she felt about Alex, how she still felt, and where she thought our relationship was going to go.
Even if I had to be nothing more than a consolation prize for the time being, I was going to make sure I was the best damn consolation prize ever.
I couldn’t tell her that though, she was under the impression that if I was in pain it was her fault.
Jespin was being nothing but open with me now, I knew the risks of getting involved with someone who still had feelings for someone else. If things went bad and I ended up getting hurt, but it would be my fault; I wasn’t a child, I could make my own decisions. “I’m sorry Sidney…” She sighed again, running her fingers through her hair.
I kissed her neck in acknowledgement, allowing my feelings to take over. I wasn’t some type of sex god in bed; but I didn’t think I was bad at it. At least I’d never had any complaints.
Jes seemed to be much more comfortable than me in that area now. I instigated, then she would lead, and I'd followed.
I tugged her out of her dress, tossing it aside before I started to undress myself, she laid on her back watching me; her smooth, pale, legs rubbing together in anticipation.
She bit her lip as I stared at her, watching her hands trace gentle circles along her stomach. They moved further south as I kicked off my pants; her fingers slowly moving down towards her folds.
I started to pant as she closed her eyes, bringing her fingers down in an upside down ‘V’, grabbing onto her clit and rubbing it in a circular motion.
She let out a small moan, as the wetness began to exit her, slipping down the pink skin between her legs until I couldn’t watch anymore.
I moved on top of her and she pulled her hands back, rolling over onto her stomach. She came up on her hands and knees, glancing back over her shoulder at me through hooded eyes.
I gently reached out, sliding my hands along her curves. I slid them back along her spin until I was grasping her hips in my hands. Groaning, I began to gently slid myself in, trying to be as tender as possible. “Sid…” She complained once I was completely sheathed in her. I pulled out and began to move into her again, closing my eyes against the almost unbearable heat.
“Sidney…" She pressed again. "...I’m not a china doll… you can’t break me.” She sighed, glancing back at me as I snapped my head up.
“Ah… what?” I asked, completely bewildered.
She gave me a sheepish grin as she pushed herself back against me hard, slamming me deeper into her body than I would have normally pressed. I held still while she pulled forward, bucking her hips back against me until I let out a grunt. Suddenly her words made sense.
Maybe it was him. Maybe he use to make love to her like this; maybe he use to force himself into her and that’s what she wanted.
It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I didn’t want to take pleasure from her body like that; get myself off by making her cry out.
It wasn't until she pushed back again and I realized that she was wishing I was him; that instinct took over.
I wasn't sure if I was lashing out through pain, or in a feeble attempt to show her that I could be the man that she needed; either way, the result was the same. I grabbed onto her hips, pulling myself out of her. I slammed my way back in; thrusting into her wet folds until her body hit against mine.
I continued to propel myself into her, grunting with each exertion as she arched against me.
I could feel myself about to climax as hot liquid began to pour out of her and she yelped. I grabbed onto her long hair, twisting it around my hand and pulling her backwards.
I didn’t stop until she was on her knees, her back pressed against me and her head turned in my direction. “Look at me Jes.” I ordered and she obliged, staring at me as I began to thrust upward, still filling her.
With my free hand I reached around and grasped onto her clit, sliding it back and forth as fast as I could.
She bucked her hips again, this time her orgasm splashed out around my fingers as her eyes strayed from my gaze.
I filled her one last time before I felt myself explode, my own orgasm bursting out of me as I wrapped my arms around her; clutching her against me.
I watched Oksana throw her arms around Geno’s neck as the beat started to pound out of the speakers.
I was beside Sidney, his arms wrapped around my waist as I moved along with him, laughing every time he stepped on me feet. “Jesus Sidney! Learn to walk!” I joked, as he rolled his eyes.
“I’m a hockey player, not a dancer.” He quipped back.
I felt someone come up behind me and groaned as Jordan pulled me out of Sidney’s arms. “Come dance with a master!” He yelled, pulling me into a spin as Sidney retreated back up the stairs towards the couches.
I glanced around the Diesel as Jordan and I started throwing out our best hip-hop moves; considering he grew up on a farm and I was in ballet for sixteen years - our best wasn’t very good. It wasn’t long before Max and group of girls were around us and I shook my head.
I waved goodbye to Jordan over the gaggle of platinum blond floozies, and he grinned back at me; grabbing onto someone and pulling her against him.
When I reached the VIP section I found Sidney, sitting quietly with Kris. “Well aren’t you two the life of the party.” I laughed, dropping down the couch in between them.
“Well, you apparently don’t like my dancing and Kris is being chased by cougars.” Sidney explained, grinning, he threw his arm around my shoulders as Kris blushed deeply. “Besides… I’m sick of celebrating in this building. I think I’m gonna go into hibernation until my birthday.”
“Party pooper…” I muttered under my breath as I searched the crowd for Keisha. I found her, laughing with Billy G as they stood by the VIP bar. “You want a drink?” I asked the guys.
They both nodded, getting up and following me to the bar.
“Hey!” Keisha smiled, pulling me into a hug as I came up behind her. “Amaretto shot?” She asked, flagging down the bartender.
Kris, Keisha and Billy started pounding back the shots as Sidney and I sat off to the side, laughing as Keisha drank them under the table.
“I’m too old for this shit!” Billy complained as we pulled up outside of his house. “Fuck… how am I gonna get up those stairs?” He groaned, his eyes focusing on the large cement steps that led up to his front door.
He shook his head as Sidney and I started to laugh at him. He got out of the SUV and stumbled on his first step.
“You gonna be ok?” Sidney called mockingly as Billy continued up the walk. He raised his hand over his head, shooting us the finger as Sidney pulled back out onto the road, laughing. “You alright back there Kris?”
Kris groaned from the backseat. “Never again… oh god.” I snorted as Keisha, giggled, shaking her head.
“Light-weight.” She quipped, glancing out the window as we headed to Kris’s apartment.
The three of us - Sidney, Keisha and I - walked through the front door of my house, a little after 3.
Sidney and I said goodnight to Keisha as she headed for the spare bedroom that had become her home for the past two weeks since she arrived in Pittsburgh.
Sidney flopped down on my bed. “I feel like I’m drunk and I didn’t even drink anything…”
“Drunk by osmosis.” I explained, laughing as he covered his face with his hands.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Love In This Club - 'Insert Rapper Name Here'(Cover)
“Not funny, seriously… I feel all sluggish and shit.” I groaned as she flopped down beside me.
“Oh muffin…” She cooed as I rolled over, pulling her body underneath mine.
“Be my girlfriend?”
She sighed, staring at me intently. “Sidney… we’ve been over this.”
I nodded my head, nuzzling my face into her warm neck. “I know, I know… but I told you a million times Jes, I don’t care.”
“It’s just not right Sidney… you know that I-”
“I know that you love him. Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be with me. You and Ovechkin are done babe. You said that yourself, you two aren’t getting back together.
This is gonna heal Jespin, you’re going to move on with your life. Why won’t you let me help you?”
She sighed audibly underneath me and I knew it was time to back off. She wasn’t there yet, she wasn’t ready to move forward with her words.
She wasn’t pushing me away though, not physically or mentally, and I was thankful for that. She always allowed me to hold her now, and she always told me what was going on in my mind.
She had been totally open with me about how she felt about Alex, how she still felt, and where she thought our relationship was going to go.
Even if I had to be nothing more than a consolation prize for the time being, I was going to make sure I was the best damn consolation prize ever.
I couldn’t tell her that though, she was under the impression that if I was in pain it was her fault.
Jespin was being nothing but open with me now, I knew the risks of getting involved with someone who still had feelings for someone else. If things went bad and I ended up getting hurt, but it would be my fault; I wasn’t a child, I could make my own decisions. “I’m sorry Sidney…” She sighed again, running her fingers through her hair.
I kissed her neck in acknowledgement, allowing my feelings to take over. I wasn’t some type of sex god in bed; but I didn’t think I was bad at it. At least I’d never had any complaints.
Jes seemed to be much more comfortable than me in that area now. I instigated, then she would lead, and I'd followed.
I tugged her out of her dress, tossing it aside before I started to undress myself, she laid on her back watching me; her smooth, pale, legs rubbing together in anticipation.
She bit her lip as I stared at her, watching her hands trace gentle circles along her stomach. They moved further south as I kicked off my pants; her fingers slowly moving down towards her folds.
I started to pant as she closed her eyes, bringing her fingers down in an upside down ‘V’, grabbing onto her clit and rubbing it in a circular motion.
She let out a small moan, as the wetness began to exit her, slipping down the pink skin between her legs until I couldn’t watch anymore.
I moved on top of her and she pulled her hands back, rolling over onto her stomach. She came up on her hands and knees, glancing back over her shoulder at me through hooded eyes.
I gently reached out, sliding my hands along her curves. I slid them back along her spin until I was grasping her hips in my hands. Groaning, I began to gently slid myself in, trying to be as tender as possible. “Sid…” She complained once I was completely sheathed in her. I pulled out and began to move into her again, closing my eyes against the almost unbearable heat.
“Sidney…" She pressed again. "...I’m not a china doll… you can’t break me.” She sighed, glancing back at me as I snapped my head up.
“Ah… what?” I asked, completely bewildered.
She gave me a sheepish grin as she pushed herself back against me hard, slamming me deeper into her body than I would have normally pressed. I held still while she pulled forward, bucking her hips back against me until I let out a grunt. Suddenly her words made sense.
Maybe it was him. Maybe he use to make love to her like this; maybe he use to force himself into her and that’s what she wanted.
It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I didn’t want to take pleasure from her body like that; get myself off by making her cry out.
It wasn't until she pushed back again and I realized that she was wishing I was him; that instinct took over.
I wasn't sure if I was lashing out through pain, or in a feeble attempt to show her that I could be the man that she needed; either way, the result was the same. I grabbed onto her hips, pulling myself out of her. I slammed my way back in; thrusting into her wet folds until her body hit against mine.
I continued to propel myself into her, grunting with each exertion as she arched against me.
I could feel myself about to climax as hot liquid began to pour out of her and she yelped. I grabbed onto her long hair, twisting it around my hand and pulling her backwards.
I didn’t stop until she was on her knees, her back pressed against me and her head turned in my direction. “Look at me Jes.” I ordered and she obliged, staring at me as I began to thrust upward, still filling her.
With my free hand I reached around and grasped onto her clit, sliding it back and forth as fast as I could.
She bucked her hips again, this time her orgasm splashed out around my fingers as her eyes strayed from my gaze.
I filled her one last time before I felt myself explode, my own orgasm bursting out of me as I wrapped my arms around her; clutching her against me.
Time-Line
Ok... this is the LAST post on here that isn't an actual story update... I promise (or at least... I promise to try lol).
I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with the other stories that I write, and what they could look for after this one finishes on Monday or Tuesday (I can't remember when the last update is set for).
I used a new 'technique' for Traitor, mapping out the entire story before I wrote a word... it's probably why this is the first story I've been able to finish remotely *on time*.
I'm gonna do that for the rest of my stories and all the ones I plan on writing... but right now the scedule I have planned out, goes as follows:
ForcedFate
Gate 9 (Finishing... only a few updates left actually)
Hockey Mom
If I Should Fall (This will get finished sometime in the next couple months...)
Changing Times
((Rick Nash))
((Semin))
I don't have titles yet for the last two stories... but I do have some things planned out =D (ALSO... Mr. Serious is probably going to be a really long story... I'm already continuing updates on that so it'll probably get to the point where I'm posting updates for more than one story a night).
Cheers!
I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with the other stories that I write, and what they could look for after this one finishes on Monday or Tuesday (I can't remember when the last update is set for).
I used a new 'technique' for Traitor, mapping out the entire story before I wrote a word... it's probably why this is the first story I've been able to finish remotely *on time*.
I'm gonna do that for the rest of my stories and all the ones I plan on writing... but right now the scedule I have planned out, goes as follows:
ForcedFate
Gate 9 (Finishing... only a few updates left actually)
Hockey Mom
If I Should Fall (This will get finished sometime in the next couple months...)
Changing Times
((Rick Nash))
((Semin))
I don't have titles yet for the last two stories... but I do have some things planned out =D (ALSO... Mr. Serious is probably going to be a really long story... I'm already continuing updates on that so it'll probably get to the point where I'm posting updates for more than one story a night).
Cheers!
Sunday, January 10, 2010
#52 - Press
Alright so, the blubbering mess ended... I was left with the realization that I had deleted 63 pages of updates...
I literally pulled this one out thin air, still not sure how that happened... hopefully there will be nightly updates again... *hopefully*.
Also, just so everyone knows... I have an unhealthy relationship with the World Juniors... if you read any of my other stories, I promise nothing bad will happen if Canada loses the Olympics! haha, I'm strictly crazy about the WJ...
Mad World - Gary Jules
With the high of the Stanley Cup finally filtering off me, I was left with the realization that I had made out with Sidney in front of thousands of people and a fleet of cameramen.
Of course, bigger news was the fact that the Pens had won, that carried on for a while; but a few weeks after even that had died off, the pictures started coming out.
It was a full three days before they realized that I was the same girl caught with Alex Ovechkin a week before the Stanley Cup finals; but once they realized it, it didn’t stop.
Traitor; that was my new nickname. The girl that abandoned Alex Ovechkin for a Stanley Cup champion; or maybe I had abandoned Sidney for him, and was just now flopping back.
It didn’t seem to matter either way, all that mattered was I had officially become the most hated person in the history of hockey - and I didn’t even play the damn thing.
Sidney told me that that wasn’t true, people would never hate me more than Sean Avery; it certainly didn’t feel that way now however.
Apparently every person on the face of the earth had either Sidney or Alex at the top of their favourite player list. Regardless of which one, I had at one point screwed around with both of them - obviously making me a horrible person.
And maybe I was. I hadn’t talked to Alex since the break-up, so I had no idea how he was handling things.
The worse part was, I hardly had time to think about it. Between throwing myself into Cup celebrations, catching up with my family, and Sidney in general; by the time my head hit the pillow I was out.
“Jes… we gotta go!” Sidney yelled as he jogged up the stairs towards my room.
I sighed, finishing off an e-mail to Keisha. “Why, where are we going?” Sid was panting as he through my door open, coming in and signaling for me to get up. “What?” I asked again, following him as he jogged back down the stairs.
I followed him outside, even getting into his Rang Rover and allowing him to drive for ten minutes before I asked again. “Sidney!”
“We’re going to the arena, press conference with your dad.” He explained finally, spinning out onto the highway.
I rolled my eyes as I looked out the window. “Ugh! You and you just assumed that I would enjoy this?” I chuckled, wondering how long we were going to be. It seemed like I could never get away from hockey arenas; not even in the off-season.
“I didn’t think you’d want to come, you have to come… they know.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body; like my lungs had disappeared and I had no way to draw breath. He didn’t need to say any else, he didn’t need to explain himself; with those two words everything was crystal clear. They knew.
I stood in between my father and Sidney, wondering why so many people would show up to hear about me.
As the story went, so up-and-coming sports reporter had taken it upon himself to figure out who I was. He knew from the first picture ever seen, that I worked for the Capitals; he assumed that would be how I knew Alex. When he couldn’t find the connection between Alex and Sidney however, he began to dig deeper; discovering who I actually was - the teen-aged, harlot daughter of Mario Lemieux.
My father looked livid; like I had never seen him before. He was red faced and furious - a papa bear trying to protect his cubs from the oncoming slaughter. Apparently the press conference hadn’t been his idea. It was all thanks to Pat, Sidney’s agent, he felt like it should be dealt with outright; suggesting it was the only way to insure things could ever be smoothed over.
Luckily for me, I wasn’t expected to talk. Sidney fervently refused it; sharing a few choice words with Pat before the idea was taken off the table. My dad sided with Sidney, he didn’t feel like I should have to say anything; my presence would be enough.
“Sidney, don’t touch her when she’s up there.” My dad said quietly as we waited in the wings.
“What? Why not?” He spun around, looking flabbergasted.
My dad sighed, giving him a knowing smile. “Sidney listen, my whole family is about to be implicated for this - everything that anyone has ever done is going to be thrown under a microscope. I just think it would be better if you didn’t go out there and flaunt my daughter. Some people might view it in bad taste… people are starting to think that you and Ovechkin are using Jespin to get back at one another.” He said softly, avoiding eye contact with me as spoke.
I sighed, watching Sidney nod before he turned back around. My dad grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him as Pat motioned for us to enter the press room. “Pat wants to say that the whole thing with Alex was just a mistake, a lack in judgment on your part… I told him that I didn’t think that was appropriate. Do you agree?”
I nodded my head, feeling horrified at the though. “Dad, I don’t want to say anything bad about Alex…”
He nodded, his face full of understanding. “Alright, that’s fine. I won’t let him say anything like that… I just thought I should check. The whole family’s going to get dragged over the coals for this…” He added as an after thought.
I looked up at him, confused. “So you think it would be better if Pat said that?”
“No… not better, easier for sure.” He exhaled gently, sounding very tired and worn. “It’d be easier if that’s all people thought it was, as opposed to a full on relationship… I just hope that if we’re gonna get dragged through the fire for this, it’s worth the burn.”
I gave him a sad smile as he hooked his arm through mine, leading me down the way Sidney had gone. “Thanks dad.” I said quietly as we stopped outside the door. “I’m sorry that all this happened and… I know it’d be easier if Pat said that Alex was just a one time thing but-”
“-but you love him… and it wouldn’t be fair to lie like that.” He sympathetically, staring straight ahead as I readied myself to face the music.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban
I only saw the press release because we had the NHL channel on demand. I knew I eventually would have seen it anyway, everyone was talking about it; about how Alex Ovechkin got crossed over for Sidney Crosby. The same Sidney Crosby that was now a Stanley Cup champion.
So they all knew who she was now; having put two and two together. I didn’t watch the finals, so I didn’t see the Penguins win; nor did I see that part where Sidney apparently threw himself on Jespin.
It wasn’t like I could be mad about it or anything, we were over and really, there was no reason for her not date Crosby.
Obviously people might disagree with that; if she had an issue with dating on NHL star, why would another be any different? And that could have been true, maybe, if that star also didn’t live with her father.
It made sense - whenever I looked past the sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about her - and I realized that it would be natural progression. The expected route her life would have taken if she never met me.
People wouldn’t be so hard on her now; there would still be the people that talked shit, but it wouldn’t be so bad.
They wouldn’t ask ’why’, ’how’, or anything like that; because it made sense. Sidney Crosby, Mario Lemieux’s golden boy, dating his daughter. It was like the perfect little steel city romance.
That didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Yet in all honesty I had expected her to drop me off completely, stand up in front of the room of people and tell them that her relationship with me was all just a misunderstanding.
She didn’t though, she didn’t say anything at all; but the people representing her didn’t say anything bad about me either.
That night when I climbed the stairs and headed down the hallway towards my room, I tried to get the image of Sidney and Jespin out of my mind. They didn’t touch at all while the cameras were on, for her part, Jespin didn’t even look in his direction. Sidney had looked at her though, with the unmistakable glow in his eye; the look of a man finally getting everything he wanted.
He had the win, the Cup, and now he had the girl.
I dropped into my bed beside Masha, praying she didn’t wake up as I tried to get comfortable; the last thing I wanted was to have to talk to her again tonight.
It wasn’t my plan, for us to get back together; my parents had decided it was best for me. They saw how upset I was after Jespin and I ended things, and my mother used that as an excuse to complain about not having grandchildren and me being too old to be single.
It didn’t even matter anymore why she wanted to be with me. I had experienced what it felt like to love someone - to still love someone - and in my mind, if I wasn’t with Jespin, than why did it matter who I was with?
It might be a pitiful thing to do, but it didn’t really matter much. I had already given away my heart and hockey ruled my mind; the physical things were all I really had left, and in that sense, one girl was as good as any other.
I closed my eyes, trying not to think about the only girl I wanted to think about; running over in my head the end of everything. The last kiss, the last touch, the last smile; I had to keep it fresh in my mind even if it hurt.
I needed to remember that it was real, I needed to remember that at some point in my life someone actually cared about me.
I literally pulled this one out thin air, still not sure how that happened... hopefully there will be nightly updates again... *hopefully*.
Also, just so everyone knows... I have an unhealthy relationship with the World Juniors... if you read any of my other stories, I promise nothing bad will happen if Canada loses the Olympics! haha, I'm strictly crazy about the WJ...
Mad World - Gary Jules
With the high of the Stanley Cup finally filtering off me, I was left with the realization that I had made out with Sidney in front of thousands of people and a fleet of cameramen.
Of course, bigger news was the fact that the Pens had won, that carried on for a while; but a few weeks after even that had died off, the pictures started coming out.
It was a full three days before they realized that I was the same girl caught with Alex Ovechkin a week before the Stanley Cup finals; but once they realized it, it didn’t stop.
Traitor; that was my new nickname. The girl that abandoned Alex Ovechkin for a Stanley Cup champion; or maybe I had abandoned Sidney for him, and was just now flopping back.
It didn’t seem to matter either way, all that mattered was I had officially become the most hated person in the history of hockey - and I didn’t even play the damn thing.
Sidney told me that that wasn’t true, people would never hate me more than Sean Avery; it certainly didn’t feel that way now however.
Apparently every person on the face of the earth had either Sidney or Alex at the top of their favourite player list. Regardless of which one, I had at one point screwed around with both of them - obviously making me a horrible person.
And maybe I was. I hadn’t talked to Alex since the break-up, so I had no idea how he was handling things.
The worse part was, I hardly had time to think about it. Between throwing myself into Cup celebrations, catching up with my family, and Sidney in general; by the time my head hit the pillow I was out.
“Jes… we gotta go!” Sidney yelled as he jogged up the stairs towards my room.
I sighed, finishing off an e-mail to Keisha. “Why, where are we going?” Sid was panting as he through my door open, coming in and signaling for me to get up. “What?” I asked again, following him as he jogged back down the stairs.
I followed him outside, even getting into his Rang Rover and allowing him to drive for ten minutes before I asked again. “Sidney!”
“We’re going to the arena, press conference with your dad.” He explained finally, spinning out onto the highway.
I rolled my eyes as I looked out the window. “Ugh! You and you just assumed that I would enjoy this?” I chuckled, wondering how long we were going to be. It seemed like I could never get away from hockey arenas; not even in the off-season.
“I didn’t think you’d want to come, you have to come… they know.”
It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body; like my lungs had disappeared and I had no way to draw breath. He didn’t need to say any else, he didn’t need to explain himself; with those two words everything was crystal clear. They knew.
I stood in between my father and Sidney, wondering why so many people would show up to hear about me.
As the story went, so up-and-coming sports reporter had taken it upon himself to figure out who I was. He knew from the first picture ever seen, that I worked for the Capitals; he assumed that would be how I knew Alex. When he couldn’t find the connection between Alex and Sidney however, he began to dig deeper; discovering who I actually was - the teen-aged, harlot daughter of Mario Lemieux.
My father looked livid; like I had never seen him before. He was red faced and furious - a papa bear trying to protect his cubs from the oncoming slaughter. Apparently the press conference hadn’t been his idea. It was all thanks to Pat, Sidney’s agent, he felt like it should be dealt with outright; suggesting it was the only way to insure things could ever be smoothed over.
Luckily for me, I wasn’t expected to talk. Sidney fervently refused it; sharing a few choice words with Pat before the idea was taken off the table. My dad sided with Sidney, he didn’t feel like I should have to say anything; my presence would be enough.
“Sidney, don’t touch her when she’s up there.” My dad said quietly as we waited in the wings.
“What? Why not?” He spun around, looking flabbergasted.
My dad sighed, giving him a knowing smile. “Sidney listen, my whole family is about to be implicated for this - everything that anyone has ever done is going to be thrown under a microscope. I just think it would be better if you didn’t go out there and flaunt my daughter. Some people might view it in bad taste… people are starting to think that you and Ovechkin are using Jespin to get back at one another.” He said softly, avoiding eye contact with me as spoke.
I sighed, watching Sidney nod before he turned back around. My dad grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him as Pat motioned for us to enter the press room. “Pat wants to say that the whole thing with Alex was just a mistake, a lack in judgment on your part… I told him that I didn’t think that was appropriate. Do you agree?”
I nodded my head, feeling horrified at the though. “Dad, I don’t want to say anything bad about Alex…”
He nodded, his face full of understanding. “Alright, that’s fine. I won’t let him say anything like that… I just thought I should check. The whole family’s going to get dragged over the coals for this…” He added as an after thought.
I looked up at him, confused. “So you think it would be better if Pat said that?”
“No… not better, easier for sure.” He exhaled gently, sounding very tired and worn. “It’d be easier if that’s all people thought it was, as opposed to a full on relationship… I just hope that if we’re gonna get dragged through the fire for this, it’s worth the burn.”
I gave him a sad smile as he hooked his arm through mine, leading me down the way Sidney had gone. “Thanks dad.” I said quietly as we stopped outside the door. “I’m sorry that all this happened and… I know it’d be easier if Pat said that Alex was just a one time thing but-”
“-but you love him… and it wouldn’t be fair to lie like that.” He sympathetically, staring straight ahead as I readied myself to face the music.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban
I only saw the press release because we had the NHL channel on demand. I knew I eventually would have seen it anyway, everyone was talking about it; about how Alex Ovechkin got crossed over for Sidney Crosby. The same Sidney Crosby that was now a Stanley Cup champion.
So they all knew who she was now; having put two and two together. I didn’t watch the finals, so I didn’t see the Penguins win; nor did I see that part where Sidney apparently threw himself on Jespin.
It wasn’t like I could be mad about it or anything, we were over and really, there was no reason for her not date Crosby.
Obviously people might disagree with that; if she had an issue with dating on NHL star, why would another be any different? And that could have been true, maybe, if that star also didn’t live with her father.
It made sense - whenever I looked past the sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about her - and I realized that it would be natural progression. The expected route her life would have taken if she never met me.
People wouldn’t be so hard on her now; there would still be the people that talked shit, but it wouldn’t be so bad.
They wouldn’t ask ’why’, ’how’, or anything like that; because it made sense. Sidney Crosby, Mario Lemieux’s golden boy, dating his daughter. It was like the perfect little steel city romance.
That didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Yet in all honesty I had expected her to drop me off completely, stand up in front of the room of people and tell them that her relationship with me was all just a misunderstanding.
She didn’t though, she didn’t say anything at all; but the people representing her didn’t say anything bad about me either.
That night when I climbed the stairs and headed down the hallway towards my room, I tried to get the image of Sidney and Jespin out of my mind. They didn’t touch at all while the cameras were on, for her part, Jespin didn’t even look in his direction. Sidney had looked at her though, with the unmistakable glow in his eye; the look of a man finally getting everything he wanted.
He had the win, the Cup, and now he had the girl.
I dropped into my bed beside Masha, praying she didn’t wake up as I tried to get comfortable; the last thing I wanted was to have to talk to her again tonight.
It wasn’t my plan, for us to get back together; my parents had decided it was best for me. They saw how upset I was after Jespin and I ended things, and my mother used that as an excuse to complain about not having grandchildren and me being too old to be single.
It didn’t even matter anymore why she wanted to be with me. I had experienced what it felt like to love someone - to still love someone - and in my mind, if I wasn’t with Jespin, than why did it matter who I was with?
It might be a pitiful thing to do, but it didn’t really matter much. I had already given away my heart and hockey ruled my mind; the physical things were all I really had left, and in that sense, one girl was as good as any other.
I closed my eyes, trying not to think about the only girl I wanted to think about; running over in my head the end of everything. The last kiss, the last touch, the last smile; I had to keep it fresh in my mind even if it hurt.
I needed to remember that it was real, I needed to remember that at some point in my life someone actually cared about me.
Thursday, January 7, 2010
In Response...
**Alright... read to the end (or skip to the end) cause I have a question about upcoming stories**
This little blip is something I contemplated not writing... but I thought it would suffice. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I feel like I deserve to stand up for myself, especially since this is my site lol
I don't want to start some kind of cat-fight or something, I harbour no ill-will towards anyone but... I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this whole thing lol
Elle,
Apparently you don't understand having a melt down.
If you ask anyone who actually knows me, they know that I'm not seriously done with writing.
WJ mean more to me that NHL, QMJHL, AOL, OHL, Olympics or any other league I follow. I was upset, and as I always do when I'm upset, I over-react (I'm sure you've done that at some point in your life).
The reason there won't be updates for a while, is because I deleted 63 pages while watching the game, not because I'm oh-so overcome with emotion I'm taking a vow of silence...
I like to think that my emotions are not ridiculous, seeing as how they're my emotions and are how I react to certain things.
Maria and I are not done writing... it's an outburst.. I think you need to take a pill and relax a little bit. It's fanfiction dear, not the end of the world. If you wrote stories on here, I can PROMISE you that I would never in a million years ever take a personal attack at you.
I am not the kind of person that mocks people or tries to hurt them because of their opinions or feelings. Do I expect you to agree with me? No of course not! They're opinions and I love that my readers have so many and are able to comment freely on what they're feeling... but you coming on here and going off like that? What does it solve?
I don't go around on other people's blogs and insult them; I like to think that I deserve the same amount of respect that I give.
Was I upset? Very much so. Am I still upset? Yes, of course.
Am I being absolutely ridiculous? No... I'm not. Why? Because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want on it.
If I want to kill off everyone at the end... I could do that... because it's my blog.
If I want to delete the entire thing... I can... because it's my blog.
If I want to be a bitch, poor out all my emotions, and have my melt down here, I can do that... because it's my blog.
In case you didn't pick up on it... this is MY blog. I am entitled to write whatever I want to on it, and if you don't agree with me, or don't like something that I put on here... then stop reading it.
I think that everyone has an opinion and as such, should be able to share it.
Alot of people don't agree with things that happen in my story and I'm fine with it, I love getting feed back and criticism that would help me become a better writer.
But the thing that I do *not* appreciate... is someone coming onto MY blog and taking a personal attack at me (especially in a time when I'm trying to recover from a very upsetting thing).
You might not agree with how I'm feeling, but I know I'm not the only one.
I started working on updates again yesterday and I should be posting nightly ones again on Monday, for everyone that is still going to be coming on this journey with me.
I write these stories for people because I want them to enjoy what I'm doing, and move through the motions of change and discovery with me.
If you have a problem with anything Mariabprice (who happens to be a friend of mine), or I write, then it's that... your problem.
If you want to come back and read the story when it starts up again... by all means... feel free to do so; but if you feel the need to attack, mock, or insult me or any of my friends again.... do not bother coming back.
That being said, I'm not saying that I don't want you to continue to follow this story. I appreciate all of my followers and their comments... but if I'm going to get attacked for the things that I say and do, it takes all the fun out of writing.
To everyone else on here... thank you for your understanding and support, you guys mean so much to me, you probably have no idea.
As I said already, nightly updates on Monday... hopefully they'll live up to anticipation =)
I also started another story on Avery (WHAT? Yes... Sean Avery... gross, I know lol). BUT I am wondering what people would like to see in other stories?
I have some good ideas, but I don't know what hockey players to write about... is there someone you'd like to see? (And please no Crosby lol, there are so many stories on here now about him... I'd like to try someone different).
Let me know who you'd want to read about!!!
Cheers!
This little blip is something I contemplated not writing... but I thought it would suffice. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I feel like I deserve to stand up for myself, especially since this is my site lol
I don't want to start some kind of cat-fight or something, I harbour no ill-will towards anyone but... I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this whole thing lol
Elle,
Apparently you don't understand having a melt down.
If you ask anyone who actually knows me, they know that I'm not seriously done with writing.
WJ mean more to me that NHL, QMJHL, AOL, OHL, Olympics or any other league I follow. I was upset, and as I always do when I'm upset, I over-react (I'm sure you've done that at some point in your life).
The reason there won't be updates for a while, is because I deleted 63 pages while watching the game, not because I'm oh-so overcome with emotion I'm taking a vow of silence...
I like to think that my emotions are not ridiculous, seeing as how they're my emotions and are how I react to certain things.
Maria and I are not done writing... it's an outburst.. I think you need to take a pill and relax a little bit. It's fanfiction dear, not the end of the world. If you wrote stories on here, I can PROMISE you that I would never in a million years ever take a personal attack at you.
I am not the kind of person that mocks people or tries to hurt them because of their opinions or feelings. Do I expect you to agree with me? No of course not! They're opinions and I love that my readers have so many and are able to comment freely on what they're feeling... but you coming on here and going off like that? What does it solve?
I don't go around on other people's blogs and insult them; I like to think that I deserve the same amount of respect that I give.
Was I upset? Very much so. Am I still upset? Yes, of course.
Am I being absolutely ridiculous? No... I'm not. Why? Because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want on it.
If I want to kill off everyone at the end... I could do that... because it's my blog.
If I want to delete the entire thing... I can... because it's my blog.
If I want to be a bitch, poor out all my emotions, and have my melt down here, I can do that... because it's my blog.
In case you didn't pick up on it... this is MY blog. I am entitled to write whatever I want to on it, and if you don't agree with me, or don't like something that I put on here... then stop reading it.
I think that everyone has an opinion and as such, should be able to share it.
Alot of people don't agree with things that happen in my story and I'm fine with it, I love getting feed back and criticism that would help me become a better writer.
But the thing that I do *not* appreciate... is someone coming onto MY blog and taking a personal attack at me (especially in a time when I'm trying to recover from a very upsetting thing).
You might not agree with how I'm feeling, but I know I'm not the only one.
I started working on updates again yesterday and I should be posting nightly ones again on Monday, for everyone that is still going to be coming on this journey with me.
I write these stories for people because I want them to enjoy what I'm doing, and move through the motions of change and discovery with me.
If you have a problem with anything Mariabprice (who happens to be a friend of mine), or I write, then it's that... your problem.
If you want to come back and read the story when it starts up again... by all means... feel free to do so; but if you feel the need to attack, mock, or insult me or any of my friends again.... do not bother coming back.
That being said, I'm not saying that I don't want you to continue to follow this story. I appreciate all of my followers and their comments... but if I'm going to get attacked for the things that I say and do, it takes all the fun out of writing.
To everyone else on here... thank you for your understanding and support, you guys mean so much to me, you probably have no idea.
As I said already, nightly updates on Monday... hopefully they'll live up to anticipation =)
I also started another story on Avery (WHAT? Yes... Sean Avery... gross, I know lol). BUT I am wondering what people would like to see in other stories?
I have some good ideas, but I don't know what hockey players to write about... is there someone you'd like to see? (And please no Crosby lol, there are so many stories on here now about him... I'd like to try someone different).
Let me know who you'd want to read about!!!
Cheers!
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