Double header, go back and read #36 if you haven't yet... love you Becky =P
Who You’d Be Today - Kenny Chesney
I sat in the locker-room, half-dressed, totally unprepared for the game that I was suppose to be getting ready for.
Last night had almost killed me. It should have been fantastic, finally having Jespin in my arms, but it had been the opposite.
Now, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sergei and all the things that he should have been.
I should have been putting on my game face, pumping myself up; but I was consumed by questions.
What if I just had of quit hockey? What if I had of told Sergei that I didn’t want to play anymore? What if I had of just walked home that night, instead of yelling at him to come pick me up?
My parents had said that I couldn’t blame myself for what had happened; it was an accident. They were partially right, it had been an accident; but it was still my fault…
“Hey Ovie… you ready to go man? Rangers! We fucking own them!” Greener shouted, punching me in the arm as he started walking around the room, talking himself up.
Sergei would be in his thirties now, if it wasn’t for that night. He’d probably be married, have children. He would have been a fantastic father.
He believed in me and pushed me to be my best; even when everyone else lost faith. He wanted what was best for me, always putting me before his needs; even as a teenager he was always there for me.
And because of me, he’s not here anymore.
“Alex, babe?” Jespin’s soft voice pulled me out of my downward spiral; but only slightly. Enough that I could look up.
She was standing in front of me, her hair gently falling around her face like a halo; illuminated by the neon lighting shining down from behind her. She looked like an angel, my own personal saviour. “Are you ok?”
She crouched down in front of me, and my eyes followed her. Those big green eyes were filled with such concern that it almost killed me to lie to her.
“Yah… I’m great. Just… thinking about the game.” I said lamely, hoping she couldn’t hear the deception in my voice.
Her face lightened slightly as she pulled herself onto the bench beside me. “It’s ok Alex… everything is going to be perfect… I’m sure of it.”
We were both thinking of different things. She was clearly referring to the game, but I felt comforted anyway.
I nodded, putting an arm around her shoulder and hugging her against my bare chest.
“You’ll be out there right? You’ll wait for me after the game?” She nodded her head against me.
“Of course…” She knows something’s wrong… pull it together…
“Hey, you know what I was thinking? I already talked it over with Boudreaux and he’s fine with it, but… think you’ll watch from the box?” It was a lie. I hadn’t asked Boudreaux anything; but I didn’t care. I just needed her to stay as close to me as possible, at all times.
“What box?”
“Like… the player box…”
She pulled away from me and stared up at me. I could tell she wanted to refuse, say ’no way’; but I also knew that I looked completely pathetic and downtrodden. She sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. “Fine… if it’s ok with everyone else than I will… now get dressed.” She kissed my forehead as she got up.
I watched her walk out of the dressing room and it was then that I realized I was alone.
I threw on the rest of my gear quickly, not truly caring that I was breaking superstitions; I just needed to get out of here.
I needed to be around people so that I could drown out the guilt that was threatening to pull me under.
I threw the door open and took off towards the sound of my team-mates. “Feeling better now that you’ve had a pre-game quickie?” Greener laughed and I reached out to slap the back of his head.
Coach started to yell orders as we lined up, telling us some last minute ideas and suggestions; I couldn’t take it in though. My eyes found Jespin, through the crowd of gigantic children in uniforms, and I smiled at her. “Hey Ovie… you catching this? Or should I throw down some cave-drawing so you can follow along?” Brooks quipped from behind me.
I rolled my eyes as the people nearest to us started to howl with laughter; falling back into my private world.
Everyone began to file out onto the ice and I let out a gentle sigh as I followed suit.
The crack of the ice sounded from down below me as I took my first step onto it; my head still full of regret and shame.
I felt even worse as I tried to push the thoughts of Sergei out of my head, my mind repeating over and over again; I’m so sorry.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson
I followed the coaching staff out to the box; no one really paying attention to me. I stood up behind the bench, feeling sorely out of place as I watched the guys skate around on the ice.
It felt freeing and terrifying at the same time; like the first time on a motorcycle. It was amazing, to be that liberated; nothing separating me from the game that I loved so much. At the same time though, it felt reckless, being that close to two-hundred plus pound men, no protection.
When Boudreaux finally looked at me, I realized that he definitely wasn’t expecting me; but if he was mad about it, he hid it well. “Everything ok with him? He looks off…”
I followed his gaze, finding Alex stretching by himself off to the side, as the other guys began firing shots off at the net. I sighed to myself as I shrugged my shoulders.
It just made no sense. Alex was almost the most excited person when it came to games; especially big games. Tonight, it looked like he didn’t know where he was; and if he did, he didn’t care at all.
The game was a disaster. There was no focus, no passion, no flair; it was a different team out there. A team that didn’t want to win.
Alex had a few shots on net, but he couldn’t follow through with anything; he didn’t even follow through with his checks.
The rest of the team was taking their cues from him. Instead of trying to pick him up and continue on, they faltered and crashed, bad.
Someone from the Rangers ended up scoring the only goal of the game; I was so numb I didn’t even register who it was.
The guys were just as subdued once they got into the locker-room; the only one who had anything to say was Boudreaux. I watched him rant and roar, pointing fingers of accusation at everyone in the room.
He blamed Alex; just like everyone else. They didn’t say it, but you could feel it in their glares, in their words, in their silences.
Alex was the only one who didn’t seem to notice. He sat in front of his stall, slumped and defeated.
For someone who was usually so loud and boisterous, it broke my heart to see him this way. I wasn’t sure what had happened that caused this complete flip; but I wanted to do whatever I could to take away the pain in his eyes. He wasn’t upset about the game - I wasn’t even sure if he had even registered the last few hours - there was something else in his face; something deeper.
“Anything you want to talk about?” I asked slowly as he raced through the streets of Washington, swerving in and out of the slower moving traffic, without abandon. “Alex?”
“No. Like What? Why?” He grunted, his sentences running together as he spun the Lamborghini recklessly onto a side street.
“Maybe you should slow down…” I breathed, grabbing onto the ’Jesus bar’ and closing my eyes.
I felt the car start to slow and heard the roar of the engine falter down until it purred gently. “Sorry.” He said quietly, causing me to open my eyes. He reached out, resting his hand on my knee and giving me a small squeeze.
“It’s fine… if you want to talk about anything though… I’m here, ok?” He nodded, giving me a small smile before pulling his car into the empty garage stall.
I sat on the couch and watched him pace around the bottom floor of his house. “Alex… come sit!” I laughed finally, unable to keep the grin off my face. I knew I probably shouldn’t be laughing; but I couldn‘t help it.
He stopped walking and looked at me, grinning back sheepishly before he jumped onto the couch beside me.
“You’ll stay tonight?” He asked, pulling my feet into his lap.
“Of course… are you gonna be alright though?”
He nodded, licking his lips as he started to rub his fingers along the bottom of my foot. I looked like he was choosing his words carefully, mulling them around his head before he spoke. He finally glanced up at me, smiling slightly as he said genuinely. “I will be, as long as you stay here.”
Monday, December 21, 2009
#36 - The Price
Short, sorry... bridge update =P
These Magnet Hearts - Kina Grannis Starts at 27 seconds or something...
Alex was gone, and it was impossible not to miss him. I had gotten so use to always being around him; so use to spending all my time with him.
I sat on the floor in my apartment beside Keisha, random books and pieces of paper surrounding us as we quizzed each other for our upcoming finals.
I cursed myself for getting so far behind in my work; it was because of this that I was left at home while the guys were on a week long trip in Canada.
I tried to remind myself that he’d be back Friday night; and really, it wasn’t that far away.
Of course, to save my sanity - or his - he called me and text’d me lots. ‘Miss you’, “Can’t wait to get back to you’, ‘I’ll play for you tonight’.
It was funny that we’d already fallen into a pattern and yet, every time I saw a message from him, I got giddy all over again.
As if on cue, my phone started vibrating again; and I jumped, reaching out quickly to flip it open. “Hey Jes!”
“Hey! How’s your trip going?” I asked, overly-excited, as Keisha made a gagging noise in my direction.
“Good, good… missing you. Greener’s taking the opportunity to hit on me, since you’re not here to stop him but… we’ve won all the games so far…” I could only laugh as Greener vehemently denied Alex’s words from somewhere in the background.
“Well, I miss you too… couple more days until you’re back though…”
“Mmm… back and then into playoffs. I still won’t get to see you too much, how do you survive without me?” He chuckled and I could hear the grin in his voice as I sighed.
I could hear a commotion sound around him and I couldn’t help but laugh again.
“I guess I should let you go… sounds like the whole teams in there now.”
“Just about… I’ll be back late Friday, wanna meet me at my place?”
“Sounds good… I’ll see you soon.”
“Ne magu zhit' bes tebya… have a good night babe.” I said goodbye and wished him luck before I hung up the phone.
“Oh, you guys an official couple now?” She asked grinning as she chucked a biology book aside.
I nodded, causing her to grin even more. “I’m very happy for you… honestly… I still don’t understand what took you so long.”
Suddenly, I glanced up at Keisha, and without giving it a second thought; I started to speak quickly. “Mario Lemieux is my dad. That’s kind of what kept us apart, I guess I just thought about it too much.”
“Like… the Penguin?” Keisha asked, looking slightly confused as she shuffled through the papers in her hands.
“Yes. The Penguin.”
“Oh… I guess that makes sense then. Hey… where’d you put the muscle diagram?” She asked, as she dropped the papers onto the ground, glancing around.
I laughed quietly as I handed her the diagram in question, shaking my head. I felt stupid keeping that secret from Keisha for all this time; I should have known that it wouldn’t effect her either way. She was fairly steady when it came to friendship; she’d been unwaveringly loyal to me since we met, and I felt slightly awful that I hadn’t told her until right now.
Of course she didn’t even notice that anything was off, but even so, I made a mental note to be open with her in the future.
I laid in bed after Keisha had left to go home, staring at the clock. Technically since it was after 1AM, it was no longer Wednesday.
That meant all I had to do was get through today and then all day tomorrow; I could do that.
I sighed as I rolled over onto my back and pulled the covers up tighter; I was turning into a very pitiful person.
The bed began to vibrate and I jumped up, grabbing for my phone; which was stashed underneath my pillow. “Alex?
“Hey babe, did I wake you?” He said quietly as I let out a squeal of surprise.
“No… I’m just lying in bed trying to fall asleep… what are you doing?” I grinned, ridiculously excited to hear from him.
“Nothing much, just sitting on the bus… thinking about you…”
“I miss you.” I blurted out, unable to stop myself. I couldn’t believe that I was having a conversation like this; me, of all people.
I was not a dependent, flirty, lovey-dovey person; or at least, I hadn’t been.
I could hear him chuckle quietly from the other line before he spoke again. “I miss you too. I should let you sleep though, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
The last thing I wanted was to get off the phone - sleep be damned. “Alright… I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, have a good night.”
“Night Jes.”
I rolled over and sighed contentedly as I stowed my phone back under my pillow. I didn’t think it would be possible to fall asleep at all; not with how excited I was, but soon enough I felt my eyes get heavy.
I curled up into a tiny ball and wrapped my arms around my body pillow; just a couple more days…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Turn Right - Jonas Brothers(Cover) Starts about a minute in.
We got back to Washington earlier than expected. The guys were excited, they wanted to go out and party; one last giant bash before playoffs hit.
I had absolutely no interest in going out; not when my beautiful girlfriend was curled up in my bed, waiting for me.
I raced home, ignoring speed limits as I steered the ‘stang through the dark streets.
I made it home in record time; pulling the car into the garage and jumping out. I tried to calm myself down enough that I could remain somewhat silent as I pushed open the squeaky kitchen door.
All the lights were off except the small bulb above the stove, causing me to grin. Most men wouldn’t notice it at all, the others, that did notice it would probably not give it a second thought.
For me though, that tiny little light meant that someone else was here, and, that that someone cared enough to leave it on. That light was more than just a source of illumination; it was a welcome home sign.
I dropped my bag in the middle of the kitchen and jogged up the stairs; shedding my clothing like a horny teenager, as I made my way to my room.
The door was wide open and I walked through it, to find Jespin sleeping soundly; curled up underneath a thick layer of blankets.
I smiled to myself as I gently crawled onto the bed, sliding down underneath the covers. I pushed myself up against her and pulled her into my arms; careful to not wake her.
Unconsciously, she nuzzled into me, and I held onto her tighter. I felt my entire body relax as her scent surrounded me and the feel of her skin overpowered every other thought in my mind.
In the same moment that I was ecstatic to be back with her, I was angry at myself for having to leave.
Who cared what my job was… I was an idiot for every wanting to be apart from her. I knew that there was nothing I could do about it; but the thought still bothered me.
She had changed me so completely, alerted my life until it was unrecognisable, and I didn’t want to loose her. Not ever.
I was in love with her; wholly and irrevocably in love with her. There was nothing I could do to stop it, even if I wanted to. Jespin was as big a part of me now, as anything else that was in my life.
I didn’t deserve her love, and I didn’t deserve to feel this way about anyone; especially not someone as incredible as her.
I was terrified of her leaving, and I tightened my hold on her; as if that could stop her from ever going.
I didn’t like when people had power over me; the only thing that meant was that they could hurt you, and I didn’t want to hurt again.
That’s why I had always picked the most superficial girls I could find. They were people that I would never fall for, people that would never actually love me back; they were safe. They were safe because, if they left, I could just find someone else to replace them.
Jespin was irreplaceable. If she changed her mind, I wasn’t sure what it would do to me; but I had a good idea.
And then, as hard as I tried to fight it; I was ten years old again.
I rolled away from Jes, afraid to wake her; as the tears began to fall down my face. I shook my head slightly, trying to fight off the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and abandonment that washed over me.
Why was I doing this to myself? Everyone I loved left me, for one reason or another. That was a life lesson I knew, all to well, but I was still here.
I was pushing my luck by letting her in, by letting her get this close to me. We were at the edge, if she got any closer; she was going to see the monster that I really was.
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her to look into my eyes and see the type of person I was, the type of brother I had been. Yet that was always my way.
I was selfish, controlling, neurotic; I got people killed.
My brother had paid the price for my egocentricity; was I really willing to make Jespin pay for it too?
These Magnet Hearts - Kina Grannis Starts at 27 seconds or something...
Alex was gone, and it was impossible not to miss him. I had gotten so use to always being around him; so use to spending all my time with him.
I sat on the floor in my apartment beside Keisha, random books and pieces of paper surrounding us as we quizzed each other for our upcoming finals.
I cursed myself for getting so far behind in my work; it was because of this that I was left at home while the guys were on a week long trip in Canada.
I tried to remind myself that he’d be back Friday night; and really, it wasn’t that far away.
Of course, to save my sanity - or his - he called me and text’d me lots. ‘Miss you’, “Can’t wait to get back to you’, ‘I’ll play for you tonight’.
It was funny that we’d already fallen into a pattern and yet, every time I saw a message from him, I got giddy all over again.
As if on cue, my phone started vibrating again; and I jumped, reaching out quickly to flip it open. “Hey Jes!”
“Hey! How’s your trip going?” I asked, overly-excited, as Keisha made a gagging noise in my direction.
“Good, good… missing you. Greener’s taking the opportunity to hit on me, since you’re not here to stop him but… we’ve won all the games so far…” I could only laugh as Greener vehemently denied Alex’s words from somewhere in the background.
“Well, I miss you too… couple more days until you’re back though…”
“Mmm… back and then into playoffs. I still won’t get to see you too much, how do you survive without me?” He chuckled and I could hear the grin in his voice as I sighed.
I could hear a commotion sound around him and I couldn’t help but laugh again.
“I guess I should let you go… sounds like the whole teams in there now.”
“Just about… I’ll be back late Friday, wanna meet me at my place?”
“Sounds good… I’ll see you soon.”
“Ne magu zhit' bes tebya… have a good night babe.” I said goodbye and wished him luck before I hung up the phone.
“Oh, you guys an official couple now?” She asked grinning as she chucked a biology book aside.
I nodded, causing her to grin even more. “I’m very happy for you… honestly… I still don’t understand what took you so long.”
Suddenly, I glanced up at Keisha, and without giving it a second thought; I started to speak quickly. “Mario Lemieux is my dad. That’s kind of what kept us apart, I guess I just thought about it too much.”
“Like… the Penguin?” Keisha asked, looking slightly confused as she shuffled through the papers in her hands.
“Yes. The Penguin.”
“Oh… I guess that makes sense then. Hey… where’d you put the muscle diagram?” She asked, as she dropped the papers onto the ground, glancing around.
I laughed quietly as I handed her the diagram in question, shaking my head. I felt stupid keeping that secret from Keisha for all this time; I should have known that it wouldn’t effect her either way. She was fairly steady when it came to friendship; she’d been unwaveringly loyal to me since we met, and I felt slightly awful that I hadn’t told her until right now.
Of course she didn’t even notice that anything was off, but even so, I made a mental note to be open with her in the future.
I laid in bed after Keisha had left to go home, staring at the clock. Technically since it was after 1AM, it was no longer Wednesday.
That meant all I had to do was get through today and then all day tomorrow; I could do that.
I sighed as I rolled over onto my back and pulled the covers up tighter; I was turning into a very pitiful person.
The bed began to vibrate and I jumped up, grabbing for my phone; which was stashed underneath my pillow. “Alex?
“Hey babe, did I wake you?” He said quietly as I let out a squeal of surprise.
“No… I’m just lying in bed trying to fall asleep… what are you doing?” I grinned, ridiculously excited to hear from him.
“Nothing much, just sitting on the bus… thinking about you…”
“I miss you.” I blurted out, unable to stop myself. I couldn’t believe that I was having a conversation like this; me, of all people.
I was not a dependent, flirty, lovey-dovey person; or at least, I hadn’t been.
I could hear him chuckle quietly from the other line before he spoke again. “I miss you too. I should let you sleep though, I just wanted to hear your voice.”
The last thing I wanted was to get off the phone - sleep be damned. “Alright… I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, have a good night.”
“Night Jes.”
I rolled over and sighed contentedly as I stowed my phone back under my pillow. I didn’t think it would be possible to fall asleep at all; not with how excited I was, but soon enough I felt my eyes get heavy.
I curled up into a tiny ball and wrapped my arms around my body pillow; just a couple more days…
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Turn Right - Jonas Brothers(Cover) Starts about a minute in.
We got back to Washington earlier than expected. The guys were excited, they wanted to go out and party; one last giant bash before playoffs hit.
I had absolutely no interest in going out; not when my beautiful girlfriend was curled up in my bed, waiting for me.
I raced home, ignoring speed limits as I steered the ‘stang through the dark streets.
I made it home in record time; pulling the car into the garage and jumping out. I tried to calm myself down enough that I could remain somewhat silent as I pushed open the squeaky kitchen door.
All the lights were off except the small bulb above the stove, causing me to grin. Most men wouldn’t notice it at all, the others, that did notice it would probably not give it a second thought.
For me though, that tiny little light meant that someone else was here, and, that that someone cared enough to leave it on. That light was more than just a source of illumination; it was a welcome home sign.
I dropped my bag in the middle of the kitchen and jogged up the stairs; shedding my clothing like a horny teenager, as I made my way to my room.
The door was wide open and I walked through it, to find Jespin sleeping soundly; curled up underneath a thick layer of blankets.
I smiled to myself as I gently crawled onto the bed, sliding down underneath the covers. I pushed myself up against her and pulled her into my arms; careful to not wake her.
Unconsciously, she nuzzled into me, and I held onto her tighter. I felt my entire body relax as her scent surrounded me and the feel of her skin overpowered every other thought in my mind.
In the same moment that I was ecstatic to be back with her, I was angry at myself for having to leave.
Who cared what my job was… I was an idiot for every wanting to be apart from her. I knew that there was nothing I could do about it; but the thought still bothered me.
She had changed me so completely, alerted my life until it was unrecognisable, and I didn’t want to loose her. Not ever.
I was in love with her; wholly and irrevocably in love with her. There was nothing I could do to stop it, even if I wanted to. Jespin was as big a part of me now, as anything else that was in my life.
I didn’t deserve her love, and I didn’t deserve to feel this way about anyone; especially not someone as incredible as her.
I was terrified of her leaving, and I tightened my hold on her; as if that could stop her from ever going.
I didn’t like when people had power over me; the only thing that meant was that they could hurt you, and I didn’t want to hurt again.
That’s why I had always picked the most superficial girls I could find. They were people that I would never fall for, people that would never actually love me back; they were safe. They were safe because, if they left, I could just find someone else to replace them.
Jespin was irreplaceable. If she changed her mind, I wasn’t sure what it would do to me; but I had a good idea.
And then, as hard as I tried to fight it; I was ten years old again.
I rolled away from Jes, afraid to wake her; as the tears began to fall down my face. I shook my head slightly, trying to fight off the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and abandonment that washed over me.
Why was I doing this to myself? Everyone I loved left me, for one reason or another. That was a life lesson I knew, all to well, but I was still here.
I was pushing my luck by letting her in, by letting her get this close to me. We were at the edge, if she got any closer; she was going to see the monster that I really was.
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her to look into my eyes and see the type of person I was, the type of brother I had been. Yet that was always my way.
I was selfish, controlling, neurotic; I got people killed.
My brother had paid the price for my egocentricity; was I really willing to make Jespin pay for it too?
Sunday, December 20, 2009
#35 - This Moment
Fix You - Coldplay
“Alex, we need to talk.” We need to talk… the worse four words in the history of the world.
I couldn’t find any words to speak, so I nodded mutely. I opened the door slowly, trying to force time to slow down; I needed the world to stop spinning so that she couldn’t say anything else.
She walked past me, deeper into the house; while I stood, unmoving at the front door. “Alex?” She called over her shoulder before she disappeared into the den. I looked down at the floor as I pushed the door close; sliding my hands into my pockets before I followed after her.
She was sitting on the edge of the sofa when I came around the corner; her back stiff and her hands folded in her lap. Her face was emotionless as she stared straight ahead, not looking at me.
I took a few breaths to steady myself before I walked over and sat down beside her.
I could only assume that her change in demeanour was because of her conversation with Greener; which meant that I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I should have just accepted a good thing for what it was worth and not tried to force anything more. My mom always said that women were fickle and you couldn’t pressure them into something; I should have taken her advice, I should have allowed Jespin to come around to me on her own.
I wanted to just accept what I knew was happening, take it like a man and move on; there were plenty of other women out there. Women that weren’t her… I thought sadly, trying to remain impassive.
I stared at her and saw her searching for the words, her eyes unfocused as she planned the break-up in her head. This was my only chance.
I didn’t think a time would ever come in my life where I would beg for something, someone; but I had reached that point. I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. “Before you say anything…” I said quickly, grabbing onto her and pulling her into my lap. “Before you say anything… I don’t care. I don’t care why you won’t date me, why you don’t want to go there.
It doesn’t matter anymore Jes, if this is what you want… then this is how it’ll stay. Just forget today ever happened.”
“Alex-”
“Don’t leave me.” I sounded pitiful, pathetic. It was like loosing Sergei all over again; like I was a child - unable to do anything useful.
That was exactly what it felt like. Of course there was a difference, the difference between a brother and a girl I was dating; the difference between life and death.
And just like that time, all those years before, there was nothing I could do. No amount of begging or pleading could change the inevitable.
I knew that, but I couldn‘t stop the words from coming out. “I need you in my life Jes, no matter what I can or can’t call you… we can work through this.” She turned around slowly until she was facing me, and I clutched her against me tightly.
She stared at me for a long time, feeling finally beginning to filter through her face; until her lips parted and her eyes brimmed with tears.
I waited patiently for her to say something, anything; with each breath I felt like I was moving closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. I was about to free-fall over the brink, and the power to hang on rested with a girl that was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. My chances weren’t looking good.
Jespin took a deep breath as the tears finally started to fall, pouring down her cheeks. “Alex…” She said slowly, reaching up to wipe the tears away from her face. “I don’t want this to end… I just…”
“Just tell me what you want Jespin. Anything. You can have it. If there‘s a problem I‘ll fix it… just tell me what I need to do.”
“I want you. I want to be with you…” I nodded, my breath catching in my throat as I waited for the ‘but’. Instead a small smile formed through the tears. “Ok.”
“Ok…?” I asked, caught off guard by her response.
“If you want me to be your girlfriend… I will, just please… no press releases or anything...”
I smiled, it was all I could do. I wanted to say something romantic, special; but the words wouldn’t come.
Instead I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips down to mine; kissing her for everything I was worth.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Realize - Colbie Caillat
I had been completely undecided until he spoke those words to me; until he let that part of himself through. When he asked me not to leave him, it was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him.
I’d seen him happy, sad, angry, indifferent, but never vulnerable. As out going and attention-grabbing as he was; he was also one of the most guarded people I’d ever met.
The biggest part of me didn’t want to let him go, and once I saw the unwavering need in his eyes, I had no choice. I didn’t want another choice.
I need him, and apparently he needed me too.
Alex had never been this open with me before, and I was almost positive, he'd never been this open with anyone else either. I couldn't just walk away, not if he was so willing to let me in.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not I’d missed out on the one person that could inspire such powerful emotions in me. With that realization, everything else melted away, until he was the only thing I could comprehend.
Whatever my father had to say, no matter how Sidney would react… even if this blew up in my face; nothing could make me change my mind any more. I was in this for as long as he’d have me.
His lips were gentle but urgent on mine as we melted into each other on his couch. I almost couldn’t believe my luck; could I really have it all? Was I really able to have a relationship with Alex, without telling him anything that could ruin us, without having the big hoopla surrounding it?
Could it truly be this easy for all the pieces to just fall into place? “Vi znachete vce k mne…” He smiled against my lips as I moved around until I was straddling his lap.
He reached towards me, slowly sliding my shirt up over my skin. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep my hormones in check as he took his time exposing my chest.
It seemed almost strange that just minutes ago we were both so emotional and confused, and now it was leading to this. In a way it still made sense, I supposed; Alex was much better at expressing himself physically than verbally - and I wasn’t about to start complaining about it.
He began to run his tongue along my cleavage, his thumbs rubbing circles around the lace cup of my bra until my nipples were hard beneath it.
My lips were longing to taste him; to kiss him long and deep while I ran my hands along every square inch of him.
He stood up, holding onto me as he began to turn, laying me down on my back; the cool leather of the couch underneath me.
Sitting up in between my legs, I could see him growing hard through the basketball shorts he was wearing; I bit my lip to keep from groaning in frustration.
He stared down at me for a second before undoing my pants and tugging them off. I could feel every part of my body heating up, and I rubbed my legs together as he pulled his clothing off hastily.
He fell down on top of me - flesh against flesh- as our legs entwined together. His tongue began to trace hot lines down my neck as I wrapped my arms around him; one of his hands sliding upwards until he had a firm grip on my hair.
Grunting he pulled back, hard, and I arched my back in response as his pelvis grinded into me.
I could feel his dick rubbing against my clit; accelerating my breathing as I grew wetter and hotter.
I wanted to savour this; each grasp, each movement. I wanted to relish each time his fingers tightened around my side or my arms. Wanted to, but it was impossibly hard to keep from egging him on, or stop myself from begging for him to enter me.
I sigh as my clit began to throb painfully. His fingers hadn’t even roamed south yet, but I was already dripping with heat and desire. I decided to give him a better idea as to what I needed. I kissed him, my tongue thrusting for control while his hands played on my nipples.
Not a word had been spoken between us. What could we possibly say that would evoke the emotions we were feeling right in this moment? Words were inadequate. Nothing could ever express the fire he ignited inside me, only action ccould demonstrate my need. Only the feeling of tongue, teeth and flesh against flesh could ever come close to creating some kind of window into how I really felt about him.
We laid beside each other, panting uncontrollably; both of us somewhere between bliss and relief.
I couldn’t do anything but force my mind to remain in this moment. I didn’t want to think about all the things to come; the definite, like play-offs and finals, and the uncertain, mainly things surrounding my father and my relationship with Sidney.
“Alex, we need to talk.” We need to talk… the worse four words in the history of the world.
I couldn’t find any words to speak, so I nodded mutely. I opened the door slowly, trying to force time to slow down; I needed the world to stop spinning so that she couldn’t say anything else.
She walked past me, deeper into the house; while I stood, unmoving at the front door. “Alex?” She called over her shoulder before she disappeared into the den. I looked down at the floor as I pushed the door close; sliding my hands into my pockets before I followed after her.
She was sitting on the edge of the sofa when I came around the corner; her back stiff and her hands folded in her lap. Her face was emotionless as she stared straight ahead, not looking at me.
I took a few breaths to steady myself before I walked over and sat down beside her.
I could only assume that her change in demeanour was because of her conversation with Greener; which meant that I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I should have just accepted a good thing for what it was worth and not tried to force anything more. My mom always said that women were fickle and you couldn’t pressure them into something; I should have taken her advice, I should have allowed Jespin to come around to me on her own.
I wanted to just accept what I knew was happening, take it like a man and move on; there were plenty of other women out there. Women that weren’t her… I thought sadly, trying to remain impassive.
I stared at her and saw her searching for the words, her eyes unfocused as she planned the break-up in her head. This was my only chance.
I didn’t think a time would ever come in my life where I would beg for something, someone; but I had reached that point. I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. “Before you say anything…” I said quickly, grabbing onto her and pulling her into my lap. “Before you say anything… I don’t care. I don’t care why you won’t date me, why you don’t want to go there.
It doesn’t matter anymore Jes, if this is what you want… then this is how it’ll stay. Just forget today ever happened.”
“Alex-”
“Don’t leave me.” I sounded pitiful, pathetic. It was like loosing Sergei all over again; like I was a child - unable to do anything useful.
That was exactly what it felt like. Of course there was a difference, the difference between a brother and a girl I was dating; the difference between life and death.
And just like that time, all those years before, there was nothing I could do. No amount of begging or pleading could change the inevitable.
I knew that, but I couldn‘t stop the words from coming out. “I need you in my life Jes, no matter what I can or can’t call you… we can work through this.” She turned around slowly until she was facing me, and I clutched her against me tightly.
She stared at me for a long time, feeling finally beginning to filter through her face; until her lips parted and her eyes brimmed with tears.
I waited patiently for her to say something, anything; with each breath I felt like I was moving closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. I was about to free-fall over the brink, and the power to hang on rested with a girl that was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. My chances weren’t looking good.
Jespin took a deep breath as the tears finally started to fall, pouring down her cheeks. “Alex…” She said slowly, reaching up to wipe the tears away from her face. “I don’t want this to end… I just…”
“Just tell me what you want Jespin. Anything. You can have it. If there‘s a problem I‘ll fix it… just tell me what I need to do.”
“I want you. I want to be with you…” I nodded, my breath catching in my throat as I waited for the ‘but’. Instead a small smile formed through the tears. “Ok.”
“Ok…?” I asked, caught off guard by her response.
“If you want me to be your girlfriend… I will, just please… no press releases or anything...”
I smiled, it was all I could do. I wanted to say something romantic, special; but the words wouldn’t come.
Instead I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips down to mine; kissing her for everything I was worth.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Realize - Colbie Caillat
I had been completely undecided until he spoke those words to me; until he let that part of himself through. When he asked me not to leave him, it was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him.
I’d seen him happy, sad, angry, indifferent, but never vulnerable. As out going and attention-grabbing as he was; he was also one of the most guarded people I’d ever met.
The biggest part of me didn’t want to let him go, and once I saw the unwavering need in his eyes, I had no choice. I didn’t want another choice.
I need him, and apparently he needed me too.
Alex had never been this open with me before, and I was almost positive, he'd never been this open with anyone else either. I couldn't just walk away, not if he was so willing to let me in.
I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not I’d missed out on the one person that could inspire such powerful emotions in me. With that realization, everything else melted away, until he was the only thing I could comprehend.
Whatever my father had to say, no matter how Sidney would react… even if this blew up in my face; nothing could make me change my mind any more. I was in this for as long as he’d have me.
His lips were gentle but urgent on mine as we melted into each other on his couch. I almost couldn’t believe my luck; could I really have it all? Was I really able to have a relationship with Alex, without telling him anything that could ruin us, without having the big hoopla surrounding it?
Could it truly be this easy for all the pieces to just fall into place? “Vi znachete vce k mne…” He smiled against my lips as I moved around until I was straddling his lap.
He reached towards me, slowly sliding my shirt up over my skin. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep my hormones in check as he took his time exposing my chest.
It seemed almost strange that just minutes ago we were both so emotional and confused, and now it was leading to this. In a way it still made sense, I supposed; Alex was much better at expressing himself physically than verbally - and I wasn’t about to start complaining about it.
He began to run his tongue along my cleavage, his thumbs rubbing circles around the lace cup of my bra until my nipples were hard beneath it.
My lips were longing to taste him; to kiss him long and deep while I ran my hands along every square inch of him.
He stood up, holding onto me as he began to turn, laying me down on my back; the cool leather of the couch underneath me.
Sitting up in between my legs, I could see him growing hard through the basketball shorts he was wearing; I bit my lip to keep from groaning in frustration.
He stared down at me for a second before undoing my pants and tugging them off. I could feel every part of my body heating up, and I rubbed my legs together as he pulled his clothing off hastily.
He fell down on top of me - flesh against flesh- as our legs entwined together. His tongue began to trace hot lines down my neck as I wrapped my arms around him; one of his hands sliding upwards until he had a firm grip on my hair.
Grunting he pulled back, hard, and I arched my back in response as his pelvis grinded into me.
I could feel his dick rubbing against my clit; accelerating my breathing as I grew wetter and hotter.
I wanted to savour this; each grasp, each movement. I wanted to relish each time his fingers tightened around my side or my arms. Wanted to, but it was impossibly hard to keep from egging him on, or stop myself from begging for him to enter me.
I sigh as my clit began to throb painfully. His fingers hadn’t even roamed south yet, but I was already dripping with heat and desire. I decided to give him a better idea as to what I needed. I kissed him, my tongue thrusting for control while his hands played on my nipples.
Not a word had been spoken between us. What could we possibly say that would evoke the emotions we were feeling right in this moment? Words were inadequate. Nothing could ever express the fire he ignited inside me, only action ccould demonstrate my need. Only the feeling of tongue, teeth and flesh against flesh could ever come close to creating some kind of window into how I really felt about him.
We laid beside each other, panting uncontrollably; both of us somewhere between bliss and relief.
I couldn’t do anything but force my mind to remain in this moment. I didn’t want to think about all the things to come; the definite, like play-offs and finals, and the uncertain, mainly things surrounding my father and my relationship with Sidney.
Saturday, December 19, 2009
#34 - Careful What You Wish For
Vulnerable - Secondhand Serenade
“I don’t know what to do man… we’re together all the time. She likes me, a lot, I know she does. I just… I don’t get it. What else does she want from me?” I paced back and forth Greener’s living room as him and Brooks sat on the couch, watching me.
“Maybe she’s just worried about getting caught up in the media thing?” Greener suggested, for the hundredth time.
“Maybe she realized how ugly you are.” Brooks piped in, grinning as he did so.
“Thanks man…” I mumbled, too stressed to really care about his insult.
Greener sighed, taking another sip from his beer. “Maybe you should just put it all out on the line. Tell her, she either wants you, or she doesn’t.” He shrugged nonchalantly as I turned to stare at him.
“And if she says she doesn’t?!” I exclaimed, my face full of fear.
“At least you’d know.” Brooks said simply.
I shook my head; just the idea of Jespin leaving made me upset. “No… no. I’d rather not know and have her… than know and have her leave.”
“Then why the fuck are we even having this conversation. There ya go! You don’t wanna risk it so… let’s move on.”
“I want her to be my girlfriend Brooks! Not just the girl I sleep with.” I spat, shaking my head again.
“Jesus Ovie… you’re getting the milk for free… but you still wanna spend the money on a cow…? It makes no sense.”
“Did you just compare Jes to a cow?” I asked, hostility in my voice as I stepped towards him.
“I was joking! Fuck! She must be good in the sack for you to freak out this bad… of course… you’re sisters probably better.” Brooks laughed, punching Greener in the arm. “But then again, she’s a total freak…”
Greener didn’t dignify that with a response, shaking his head as he looked away. I wasn’t going to get any help with this… not with Brooks here.
“What are you thinking? You think she’s seeing that other guy?” I asked Greener once we were finally alone.
He shook his head. “No. If she was going to spend time with you and sleep with you behind his back, it wouldn’t make a difference if you had a title or not. You guys go out in public now and she doesn’t care, the only way he’d find out you two were together would be if he follows hockey… closely” He shrugged. “There’s something else here man… I just don’t know what it is.”
“Could you find out?” I asked sheepishly, quietly. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. “Greener… there is some reason why she doesn’t want to date me, and I don’t know what it is. We get along great, we talk all the time, we spend lots of time together… the sex is… fantastic. Please, find out. Tell me that I’m not completely crazy for being with her.
Greener, I’m falling hard here man…”
He let out a low whistle, surprise crossing his face. “I’ll go talk to her man… but I don’t know if she’ll tell me what’s going on…” I nodded, silently pleading that this would work out.
I didn’t want to be without her, but I need to know she was in this too. I knew I couldn’t stop myself from caring about her; but I need to know what I was doing wrong. I needed to know what was wrong with me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chasing You - Kina Grannis (Doesn't start till about 1:17 in)
“Mike? What are you doing here?” I asked, smiling as the sheepish looking defenseman walked past me into my kitchen.
“I came to talk to you… it’s kinda… weird and personal actually…” I bit my lip as he rocked back and forth on his heels; uncomfortable, nervous.
“Umm… sure, ok.” I nodded, closing the door and heading into my living room, Mike following closely behind.
We both sat down on the couch, neither one of us saying anything at all for a few minutes. “So… are you gonna tell me why you came here?”
I was starting to get nervous, Mike was never this quiet, not ever. Maybe Alex sent him here to break up with me! My heart started to pound immediately, like an airplane taking off; it’s acceleration rocked through my body.
I began to draw in quick, short breaths; causing myself to get light-headed.
“Are you ok Jes?” I nodded, too quickly. The action causing a wave of nausea to hit me as I clutched onto the side of the couch. “Jes?”
“Why?” I half-sobbed as I focused on Mike.
“Why… why what?” He asked, his voice going up a pitch as he stared at my eyes; more specifically, at the tears that were growing in them. “Oh… it’s not… I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is…” Mike said, sliding over until he was beside me. “Ok, I don’t think that made sense. Look Jes, why won’t you date him?”
“I am dating him…”
“No I mean, why won’t you go public with him? Make it official?”
I shook my head, looking away. “He’s gonna leave isn’t he?” It was the only thing I could say.
“No… I don’t know. He just… doesn’t understand… none of us do.” He said quietly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You like him, right?” I nodded. “Then what is it… are you dating that guy from Pittsburgh? You can tell me Jes, between us.”
I sighed and shook my head, trying to find some way around this. I couldn't tell Mike the truth; the implications were terrifying. I wasn't ashamed of who I was, not at all; but that didn't make this any easier.
I felt like superwoman. Washington was my public persona, the place where no one knew who I really was; where I was free to make choices and decisions that affected only my life, and not the lives of my family.
By telling Mike the truth, I was opening myself up, taking away my safe place. There would be no more hiding behind the mask; all the expectations and implications of being the daughter of a hockey legend would crash in around me like waves of judgement.
I wanted to curl up into a ball. Run away to my secret layer. Continue to hide, safe and sound, behind the namelessness I had created for myself. The only thing that gave me pause was the questions surrounding Mikes visit.
If Alex had sent him here to find out, then it meant Alex was on his last leg. I wouldn't loose Alex, I couldn't.
With a deep breath I turned to face Mike, fear rocking through my body as the pieces of my new life began to fall away; exposing me for what I was. “No… we’re not dating but, I guess you could say it has to do with him…” Mike sat still, silent, waiting. “The ironic thing is… you already know who he is…” I paused to study him; his face was confused, worried. “Sidney Crosby.”
“Like… really?” He said shocked, his face a mixture of surprise and humour.
“Yep.” I breathed, steadying myself for the accusations of betrayal that were sure to follow.
“So, you like him and that-”
“No. I mean, I do like him but… not in the way I like Alex… it’s more complicated than that…” Mike chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me; he probably thought I was crazy, what could be more complicated than that? I bit my lip, the biggest secret bubbling up inside of me as I thought of Alex, of why I needed to do this. “I lied to you guys. My last name isn’t Landry, it’s Lemieux… Mario’s my father.” I said quickly, pushing the words out in a single breath.
“Shit.” He said, before falling silent again. I waited patiently for him to say something; anything. It was my worst nightmare. The silence echoed around us as Mike mulled my words over in his head, weighing what the best punishment for my lies would be.
Finally, he began laughing. “I’m sorry… that’s hilarious. Holy shit!”
I stared at him, my mouth gaping as he covered his face with his hands and continued to laugh. “You think this is funny?” I hissed, unable to believe what was happening; how could he possibly find humour in this?!
“I’m sorry Jes! I don’t mean to laugh at your life but… that’s like a soap opera or something… wow.” He shook his head, pulling me into a hug. “Is that it though?”
“Is that it?” I spat. What kind of mockery was this? Did he not have any idea what would happen if this went public?
If my father found out he would disown me, send me packing; refusing to have anything to do with a daughter that would sell herself across enemy lines.
Sidney would never speak to me again; he wouldn't even say anything bad. He would just give me that look - that look of complete disappointment and disgust - I could picture too clearly on his face.
Then there was Alex; and the fact that this revaluation would change everything for us, would suck our relationship of all the things that made it beautiful.
It was carefree, simple, perfect. We cared about each other because of who the other person was; not because of a name or a history.
Would he hate me? Would he be disgusted with himself for dating someone that had lied to him about the very core of herself?
“You know what I mean… is that what’s stopping you from being with Alex? You’d date him but you’d worry about how he’d react to this? How your dad would react to this?” I nodded slowly against his chest, wondering what he was going to say. “So… why exactly do you not want Alex to know all this?”
“I’m not sure… it’s just… I don’t want him to treat me any different; good or bad. I just want him to like me because he likes me, not because of my name or who I know or my connections-”
“But you already know that he likes you… I can’t see that really changing his mind. I guess though, if you don’t want to tell him, don’t tell him. That doesn’t mean you can’t date him. Just tell him you don't want some kind of huge 'Ovechkin hoopla' over the whole thing... that way, if it stays out of the press, you wouldn't have to tell your dad.”
I sighed and pulled away to look up at him. “Don’t you think that makes me a horrible person though… if I date him and he doesn’t know the truth?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me; thoughtfully. “I don’t think so Jes. You’re doing it because you feel that’s what’s best for you… I think Ovie will just be happy if he can call you his girlfriend.”
I knocked on the door, waiting for Alex to answer; nervous as hell. After talking with Mike I still had no idea what I should be doing. I took a deep breath, feeling like it filled me for the first time. Even though I was completely confused, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Mike knew the truth, and that made me feel good - it was nice having one ally.
I could tell Alex that I cared about him, enough that I wanted to be with him and only him; but could I really do that if I wasn‘t willing to tell him the truth about who I was.
I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was; the way I saw it, I had three choices. First, I could tell him that I wanted to make things official and then tell him who I was, hoping for the best. Second, I could tell him I wanted to make things official and then not tell him anything else. Or, third, I could walk away. Tell him that it was over and save myself the rejection that might come from him learning about my parentage.
“Hey…” He said slowly as he pulled open the door, glancing around behind me. “What’s up?” I gazed up into his blue eyes, completely unsure as to what I was going to say.
“Alex, we need to talk.”
“I don’t know what to do man… we’re together all the time. She likes me, a lot, I know she does. I just… I don’t get it. What else does she want from me?” I paced back and forth Greener’s living room as him and Brooks sat on the couch, watching me.
“Maybe she’s just worried about getting caught up in the media thing?” Greener suggested, for the hundredth time.
“Maybe she realized how ugly you are.” Brooks piped in, grinning as he did so.
“Thanks man…” I mumbled, too stressed to really care about his insult.
Greener sighed, taking another sip from his beer. “Maybe you should just put it all out on the line. Tell her, she either wants you, or she doesn’t.” He shrugged nonchalantly as I turned to stare at him.
“And if she says she doesn’t?!” I exclaimed, my face full of fear.
“At least you’d know.” Brooks said simply.
I shook my head; just the idea of Jespin leaving made me upset. “No… no. I’d rather not know and have her… than know and have her leave.”
“Then why the fuck are we even having this conversation. There ya go! You don’t wanna risk it so… let’s move on.”
“I want her to be my girlfriend Brooks! Not just the girl I sleep with.” I spat, shaking my head again.
“Jesus Ovie… you’re getting the milk for free… but you still wanna spend the money on a cow…? It makes no sense.”
“Did you just compare Jes to a cow?” I asked, hostility in my voice as I stepped towards him.
“I was joking! Fuck! She must be good in the sack for you to freak out this bad… of course… you’re sisters probably better.” Brooks laughed, punching Greener in the arm. “But then again, she’s a total freak…”
Greener didn’t dignify that with a response, shaking his head as he looked away. I wasn’t going to get any help with this… not with Brooks here.
“What are you thinking? You think she’s seeing that other guy?” I asked Greener once we were finally alone.
He shook his head. “No. If she was going to spend time with you and sleep with you behind his back, it wouldn’t make a difference if you had a title or not. You guys go out in public now and she doesn’t care, the only way he’d find out you two were together would be if he follows hockey… closely” He shrugged. “There’s something else here man… I just don’t know what it is.”
“Could you find out?” I asked sheepishly, quietly. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. “Greener… there is some reason why she doesn’t want to date me, and I don’t know what it is. We get along great, we talk all the time, we spend lots of time together… the sex is… fantastic. Please, find out. Tell me that I’m not completely crazy for being with her.
Greener, I’m falling hard here man…”
He let out a low whistle, surprise crossing his face. “I’ll go talk to her man… but I don’t know if she’ll tell me what’s going on…” I nodded, silently pleading that this would work out.
I didn’t want to be without her, but I need to know she was in this too. I knew I couldn’t stop myself from caring about her; but I need to know what I was doing wrong. I needed to know what was wrong with me.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Chasing You - Kina Grannis (Doesn't start till about 1:17 in)
“Mike? What are you doing here?” I asked, smiling as the sheepish looking defenseman walked past me into my kitchen.
“I came to talk to you… it’s kinda… weird and personal actually…” I bit my lip as he rocked back and forth on his heels; uncomfortable, nervous.
“Umm… sure, ok.” I nodded, closing the door and heading into my living room, Mike following closely behind.
We both sat down on the couch, neither one of us saying anything at all for a few minutes. “So… are you gonna tell me why you came here?”
I was starting to get nervous, Mike was never this quiet, not ever. Maybe Alex sent him here to break up with me! My heart started to pound immediately, like an airplane taking off; it’s acceleration rocked through my body.
I began to draw in quick, short breaths; causing myself to get light-headed.
“Are you ok Jes?” I nodded, too quickly. The action causing a wave of nausea to hit me as I clutched onto the side of the couch. “Jes?”
“Why?” I half-sobbed as I focused on Mike.
“Why… why what?” He asked, his voice going up a pitch as he stared at my eyes; more specifically, at the tears that were growing in them. “Oh… it’s not… I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is…” Mike said, sliding over until he was beside me. “Ok, I don’t think that made sense. Look Jes, why won’t you date him?”
“I am dating him…”
“No I mean, why won’t you go public with him? Make it official?”
I shook my head, looking away. “He’s gonna leave isn’t he?” It was the only thing I could say.
“No… I don’t know. He just… doesn’t understand… none of us do.” He said quietly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You like him, right?” I nodded. “Then what is it… are you dating that guy from Pittsburgh? You can tell me Jes, between us.”
I sighed and shook my head, trying to find some way around this. I couldn't tell Mike the truth; the implications were terrifying. I wasn't ashamed of who I was, not at all; but that didn't make this any easier.
I felt like superwoman. Washington was my public persona, the place where no one knew who I really was; where I was free to make choices and decisions that affected only my life, and not the lives of my family.
By telling Mike the truth, I was opening myself up, taking away my safe place. There would be no more hiding behind the mask; all the expectations and implications of being the daughter of a hockey legend would crash in around me like waves of judgement.
I wanted to curl up into a ball. Run away to my secret layer. Continue to hide, safe and sound, behind the namelessness I had created for myself. The only thing that gave me pause was the questions surrounding Mikes visit.
If Alex had sent him here to find out, then it meant Alex was on his last leg. I wouldn't loose Alex, I couldn't.
With a deep breath I turned to face Mike, fear rocking through my body as the pieces of my new life began to fall away; exposing me for what I was. “No… we’re not dating but, I guess you could say it has to do with him…” Mike sat still, silent, waiting. “The ironic thing is… you already know who he is…” I paused to study him; his face was confused, worried. “Sidney Crosby.”
“Like… really?” He said shocked, his face a mixture of surprise and humour.
“Yep.” I breathed, steadying myself for the accusations of betrayal that were sure to follow.
“So, you like him and that-”
“No. I mean, I do like him but… not in the way I like Alex… it’s more complicated than that…” Mike chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me; he probably thought I was crazy, what could be more complicated than that? I bit my lip, the biggest secret bubbling up inside of me as I thought of Alex, of why I needed to do this. “I lied to you guys. My last name isn’t Landry, it’s Lemieux… Mario’s my father.” I said quickly, pushing the words out in a single breath.
“Shit.” He said, before falling silent again. I waited patiently for him to say something; anything. It was my worst nightmare. The silence echoed around us as Mike mulled my words over in his head, weighing what the best punishment for my lies would be.
Finally, he began laughing. “I’m sorry… that’s hilarious. Holy shit!”
I stared at him, my mouth gaping as he covered his face with his hands and continued to laugh. “You think this is funny?” I hissed, unable to believe what was happening; how could he possibly find humour in this?!
“I’m sorry Jes! I don’t mean to laugh at your life but… that’s like a soap opera or something… wow.” He shook his head, pulling me into a hug. “Is that it though?”
“Is that it?” I spat. What kind of mockery was this? Did he not have any idea what would happen if this went public?
If my father found out he would disown me, send me packing; refusing to have anything to do with a daughter that would sell herself across enemy lines.
Sidney would never speak to me again; he wouldn't even say anything bad. He would just give me that look - that look of complete disappointment and disgust - I could picture too clearly on his face.
Then there was Alex; and the fact that this revaluation would change everything for us, would suck our relationship of all the things that made it beautiful.
It was carefree, simple, perfect. We cared about each other because of who the other person was; not because of a name or a history.
Would he hate me? Would he be disgusted with himself for dating someone that had lied to him about the very core of herself?
“You know what I mean… is that what’s stopping you from being with Alex? You’d date him but you’d worry about how he’d react to this? How your dad would react to this?” I nodded slowly against his chest, wondering what he was going to say. “So… why exactly do you not want Alex to know all this?”
“I’m not sure… it’s just… I don’t want him to treat me any different; good or bad. I just want him to like me because he likes me, not because of my name or who I know or my connections-”
“But you already know that he likes you… I can’t see that really changing his mind. I guess though, if you don’t want to tell him, don’t tell him. That doesn’t mean you can’t date him. Just tell him you don't want some kind of huge 'Ovechkin hoopla' over the whole thing... that way, if it stays out of the press, you wouldn't have to tell your dad.”
I sighed and pulled away to look up at him. “Don’t you think that makes me a horrible person though… if I date him and he doesn’t know the truth?”
He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me; thoughtfully. “I don’t think so Jes. You’re doing it because you feel that’s what’s best for you… I think Ovie will just be happy if he can call you his girlfriend.”
I knocked on the door, waiting for Alex to answer; nervous as hell. After talking with Mike I still had no idea what I should be doing. I took a deep breath, feeling like it filled me for the first time. Even though I was completely confused, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Mike knew the truth, and that made me feel good - it was nice having one ally.
I could tell Alex that I cared about him, enough that I wanted to be with him and only him; but could I really do that if I wasn‘t willing to tell him the truth about who I was.
I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was; the way I saw it, I had three choices. First, I could tell him that I wanted to make things official and then tell him who I was, hoping for the best. Second, I could tell him I wanted to make things official and then not tell him anything else. Or, third, I could walk away. Tell him that it was over and save myself the rejection that might come from him learning about my parentage.
“Hey…” He said slowly as he pulled open the door, glancing around behind me. “What’s up?” I gazed up into his blue eyes, completely unsure as to what I was going to say.
“Alex, we need to talk.”
Friday, December 18, 2009
#33 - Gifts
Awake - Secondhand Serenade
Movies… check. Presents… check. Take-out Menu… check. It was lucky that Jespin didn’t want anything fancy for her birthday. I was lucky enough to find a gift suitable on such short notice.
What kind of girl doesn’t like birthdays? I could understand when they got old and unattractive, but really, nineteen wasn’t too bad; she was still four years younger than me.
I had decided to get her two things for her birthday; one being the type of things all girls love - jewellery. The second, being something much more personal.
I had never actually given a gift to a girl that wasn’t extravagant or didn’t come with a heavy price-tag, and I was anxious as to whether or not she’d actually like it.
I smiled over my shoulder as she bounced down the stairs in her pajama pants, grinning broadly. “Ready for bed?” I chuckled as she closed the distance between us, throwing her arms around my middle.
“Mmm… nope. Didn’t get dressed at all!” She squealed excitedly. And she said she didn’t like birthdays… I thought, rolling my eyes as she hopped onto the couch. “It’s my birthday so… I can stay in my PJs all day if I want.” She explained, flipping through the movies that were piled on the coffee table in front of her.
“Oh… I thought you said you didn’t do anything special for your big day.”
“No…” She said shaking her head. “I said I didn’t want you to do anything special for my big day. I’m totally happy to just spend a night together.”
“So does that mean you don’t want your presents then?” I laughed as her eyes got big and she attempted to keep the smile off her face.
“I hope you didn’t spend too much…” She said anxiously as excitement and worry flashed in her eyes simultaneously.
I shook my head, walking over to the large blue bag on the floor. I picked it up and headed back towards her, slowly.
Flopping down beside her I pulled out the smaller present, a long, flat, blue box. I handed it to her and she turned it over in her hands; sighing when her fingers traced over the sprawling letters in the word ’Tiffany’. “Alex…” She began, and I could feel her in taking air for the scolding that was about to ensue.
“It wasn’t expensive, promise.” I said quickly, cutting her off. She bit her lip and nodded, hesitantly pulling off the lid.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she pulled the pendent out of the box. “I know it’s not the best looking thing but… you didn’t give me much time and… everything in there was keys!” I said frustrated, trying to explain why it wasn’t perfect. Why it wasn’t good enough for her.
“No… it’s beautiful…” She smiled. “Help me put it on…” Relief flooded through me as I took the small chain in my hands, fitting the clasp around her neck. The silver key dangled down until the tip was gently laying between her cleavage. She continued to roll it over in her fingers until I grabbed onto her hands and pulled her into my lap.
“I still have one more but… this one is sort of… a different gift.” I said lamely, colour rising in my cheeks. Great, now I’m fucking blushing… god this was a stupid idea.
I sighed, pulling the larger box out of the bag and handing it to her. “It was my grandmothers.” I said, looking away from her as she pulled the cardboard box open.
She gasped, and I looked back at her. “Alex…” She said slowly, shaking her head as she held the large, red egg in her hands. “I can’t take this… it’s a family antique.”
I shook my head and pressed the gold clasp at the top, letting the shell fall open to reveal the tiny blond dancer. She began to spin, a Russian lullaby filling the silent air around us. “My grandmother gave it to me a long, long time ago… she reminded me of you…” I explained pointing to the little dancer.
“She’s a ballerina.” Jespin whispered, her eyes watching each tiny rotation faithfully. “It’s…” She shook her head, unable to find the words.
“I would have gotten you something better… but… I didn’t have anytime to come up with-”
“Shh…” She said, hushing me as she set the egg down on the table. “It’s… the best gift anyone’s ever given me.”
I stared at her incredulity. I gave this to her because I wanted her to have something of me, something that meant more to me than money; a piece of my past. She wasn’t suppose to like it. I was giving it to her to make myself feel like she was a bigger part of my life; it was selfish, and, I hadn't expected her to like it. She wrapped her arms around me and I held her tightly, kissing the top of her head.
“Ugh!” I groaned as the phone rang. I wanted to keep holding her and let it go to voicemail; but it was her birthday…
She hopped up and ran into the kitchen. “Hello? Oh… hi! Umm… yah, no it was good. Yep. Thanks. Yah, I miss you guys too… I know, ok… I’m kind of busy… yah. Talk to you soon, bye.”
It wasn’t a personal conversation; I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn’t want to be on the phone at all, that lead me to believe one thing. It was him. Of course he’s calling… why wouldn’t he. It doesn’t matter how much time she spends with me… she’s still technically on the market. I tried to wipe the pain off my face as she came back into the room.
I didn’t want to discuss this tonight, not right now. I still had one present to give her, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood by trying to pressure her into a relationship.
But we were going to talk about it, soon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Birthday Sex - Jeremih
Alex came up behind me as I scrubbed at our dinner dishes in the sink. I smiled to myself as his arms wound around my waist and he nuzzled his face into my neck. “Can I help you with something?” I asked, biting my lip as he pressed himself against me; pinning me between his body and the counter.
He drew his face back, moving his hands up to my shoulders; still using his lower half to hold me in place.
His hands began to move expertly over my shoulders and back; rubbing, squeezing and working my sore muscles. I let out a contented moan as he began to apply more force, rocking my body with each move of his large hands.
Slowly, he began to pull down the straps of my tank top, kissing each place the fabric touched on its’ descent. I turned around as the pressure keeping me against the counter lessened; until I was able to grin up at him.
He smiled back down sheepishly, before grabbing onto my sides and pulling me upwards. I stood on my tiptoes as he brought his face down onto my exposed breasts; gasping as the heat from his mouth caused goosebumps to spread across my flesh.
Alex moved down onto his knees as he pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it away. He grabbed onto the tank top, that was now resting at my waist, pulling it down to my feet.
My PJ pants followed and I stepped out of them as his fingers pushed their way inside my tiny pink shorts, rubbing gently against my clit.
He stood back up suddenly, and snatched my hips in his hands; throwing me over his shoulder. “Alex!” I screamed as he headed out of the kitchen.
He balanced me in place as he climbed the stairs, throwing me down onto the bed once we reached my room.
I giggled as I hit the plush surface, feeling the heat growing between my legs as I watched him shimmy out of his jeans.
He tilted his head to the side and appraised me; planning his next move. I could see the ideas mulling through his head as his eyes began to drift over my body.
Finally he reached out, sliding his hands down my thighs, spreading them wider as he crawled onto the bed between them.
Knowing my body better than anyone, he was able to play it like a well tuned instrument; for his pleasure and mine. He could tease me easily, thrusting until I clenched around him tightly; then he would stop - just short of another orgasm for me.
He grinned down at me as he halted his rhythm, causing me to purr with anticipation. I swayed my hips, hoping he’d change his tempo and give me the release I was so desperate for. But he didn’t.
Laughing lightly at the urgency in my moans; he started fucking me slowly until my eyes rolled back into my head. Starting to whine I reached down, my hand fumbling between us in an attempt to pull myself over the edge. “Patients is a virtue babe…” he groaned into my ear, laughter in his voice. He loved this.
He loved being able to make me beg and plead; he loved knowing that he could do anything to me - get away with anything he wanted.
Normally I hated his ability to manipulate me, but when it came to how he toyed with me between the sheets, I couldn't care less.
My entire body was in knots. My legs were shaking with tension and my stomach was contracting with pain as I glare up at him. I bite into my lip until I taste blood; not caring that I was only feeding into his obsessive need for domination.
“Baby, it‘s my birthday…“ I whined, reaching up and raking my nails down his chest. “Don’t tease me, Alex.“
A feral growl of pleasure emitted from his chest at the sound of his name. With a snarl still on his lips he reared back and then quickly forward, slamming into me fiercely.
Snapping my head back I scream myself hoarse as I began careening over the edge of bliss; too out of it to notice that he was right there with me.
Movies… check. Presents… check. Take-out Menu… check. It was lucky that Jespin didn’t want anything fancy for her birthday. I was lucky enough to find a gift suitable on such short notice.
What kind of girl doesn’t like birthdays? I could understand when they got old and unattractive, but really, nineteen wasn’t too bad; she was still four years younger than me.
I had decided to get her two things for her birthday; one being the type of things all girls love - jewellery. The second, being something much more personal.
I had never actually given a gift to a girl that wasn’t extravagant or didn’t come with a heavy price-tag, and I was anxious as to whether or not she’d actually like it.
I smiled over my shoulder as she bounced down the stairs in her pajama pants, grinning broadly. “Ready for bed?” I chuckled as she closed the distance between us, throwing her arms around my middle.
“Mmm… nope. Didn’t get dressed at all!” She squealed excitedly. And she said she didn’t like birthdays… I thought, rolling my eyes as she hopped onto the couch. “It’s my birthday so… I can stay in my PJs all day if I want.” She explained, flipping through the movies that were piled on the coffee table in front of her.
“Oh… I thought you said you didn’t do anything special for your big day.”
“No…” She said shaking her head. “I said I didn’t want you to do anything special for my big day. I’m totally happy to just spend a night together.”
“So does that mean you don’t want your presents then?” I laughed as her eyes got big and she attempted to keep the smile off her face.
“I hope you didn’t spend too much…” She said anxiously as excitement and worry flashed in her eyes simultaneously.
I shook my head, walking over to the large blue bag on the floor. I picked it up and headed back towards her, slowly.
Flopping down beside her I pulled out the smaller present, a long, flat, blue box. I handed it to her and she turned it over in her hands; sighing when her fingers traced over the sprawling letters in the word ’Tiffany’. “Alex…” She began, and I could feel her in taking air for the scolding that was about to ensue.
“It wasn’t expensive, promise.” I said quickly, cutting her off. She bit her lip and nodded, hesitantly pulling off the lid.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she pulled the pendent out of the box. “I know it’s not the best looking thing but… you didn’t give me much time and… everything in there was keys!” I said frustrated, trying to explain why it wasn’t perfect. Why it wasn’t good enough for her.
“No… it’s beautiful…” She smiled. “Help me put it on…” Relief flooded through me as I took the small chain in my hands, fitting the clasp around her neck. The silver key dangled down until the tip was gently laying between her cleavage. She continued to roll it over in her fingers until I grabbed onto her hands and pulled her into my lap.
“I still have one more but… this one is sort of… a different gift.” I said lamely, colour rising in my cheeks. Great, now I’m fucking blushing… god this was a stupid idea.
I sighed, pulling the larger box out of the bag and handing it to her. “It was my grandmothers.” I said, looking away from her as she pulled the cardboard box open.
She gasped, and I looked back at her. “Alex…” She said slowly, shaking her head as she held the large, red egg in her hands. “I can’t take this… it’s a family antique.”
I shook my head and pressed the gold clasp at the top, letting the shell fall open to reveal the tiny blond dancer. She began to spin, a Russian lullaby filling the silent air around us. “My grandmother gave it to me a long, long time ago… she reminded me of you…” I explained pointing to the little dancer.
“She’s a ballerina.” Jespin whispered, her eyes watching each tiny rotation faithfully. “It’s…” She shook her head, unable to find the words.
“I would have gotten you something better… but… I didn’t have anytime to come up with-”
“Shh…” She said, hushing me as she set the egg down on the table. “It’s… the best gift anyone’s ever given me.”
I stared at her incredulity. I gave this to her because I wanted her to have something of me, something that meant more to me than money; a piece of my past. She wasn’t suppose to like it. I was giving it to her to make myself feel like she was a bigger part of my life; it was selfish, and, I hadn't expected her to like it. She wrapped her arms around me and I held her tightly, kissing the top of her head.
“Ugh!” I groaned as the phone rang. I wanted to keep holding her and let it go to voicemail; but it was her birthday…
She hopped up and ran into the kitchen. “Hello? Oh… hi! Umm… yah, no it was good. Yep. Thanks. Yah, I miss you guys too… I know, ok… I’m kind of busy… yah. Talk to you soon, bye.”
It wasn’t a personal conversation; I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn’t want to be on the phone at all, that lead me to believe one thing. It was him. Of course he’s calling… why wouldn’t he. It doesn’t matter how much time she spends with me… she’s still technically on the market. I tried to wipe the pain off my face as she came back into the room.
I didn’t want to discuss this tonight, not right now. I still had one present to give her, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood by trying to pressure her into a relationship.
But we were going to talk about it, soon.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Birthday Sex - Jeremih
Alex came up behind me as I scrubbed at our dinner dishes in the sink. I smiled to myself as his arms wound around my waist and he nuzzled his face into my neck. “Can I help you with something?” I asked, biting my lip as he pressed himself against me; pinning me between his body and the counter.
He drew his face back, moving his hands up to my shoulders; still using his lower half to hold me in place.
His hands began to move expertly over my shoulders and back; rubbing, squeezing and working my sore muscles. I let out a contented moan as he began to apply more force, rocking my body with each move of his large hands.
Slowly, he began to pull down the straps of my tank top, kissing each place the fabric touched on its’ descent. I turned around as the pressure keeping me against the counter lessened; until I was able to grin up at him.
He smiled back down sheepishly, before grabbing onto my sides and pulling me upwards. I stood on my tiptoes as he brought his face down onto my exposed breasts; gasping as the heat from his mouth caused goosebumps to spread across my flesh.
Alex moved down onto his knees as he pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it away. He grabbed onto the tank top, that was now resting at my waist, pulling it down to my feet.
My PJ pants followed and I stepped out of them as his fingers pushed their way inside my tiny pink shorts, rubbing gently against my clit.
He stood back up suddenly, and snatched my hips in his hands; throwing me over his shoulder. “Alex!” I screamed as he headed out of the kitchen.
He balanced me in place as he climbed the stairs, throwing me down onto the bed once we reached my room.
I giggled as I hit the plush surface, feeling the heat growing between my legs as I watched him shimmy out of his jeans.
He tilted his head to the side and appraised me; planning his next move. I could see the ideas mulling through his head as his eyes began to drift over my body.
Finally he reached out, sliding his hands down my thighs, spreading them wider as he crawled onto the bed between them.
Knowing my body better than anyone, he was able to play it like a well tuned instrument; for his pleasure and mine. He could tease me easily, thrusting until I clenched around him tightly; then he would stop - just short of another orgasm for me.
He grinned down at me as he halted his rhythm, causing me to purr with anticipation. I swayed my hips, hoping he’d change his tempo and give me the release I was so desperate for. But he didn’t.
Laughing lightly at the urgency in my moans; he started fucking me slowly until my eyes rolled back into my head. Starting to whine I reached down, my hand fumbling between us in an attempt to pull myself over the edge. “Patients is a virtue babe…” he groaned into my ear, laughter in his voice. He loved this.
He loved being able to make me beg and plead; he loved knowing that he could do anything to me - get away with anything he wanted.
Normally I hated his ability to manipulate me, but when it came to how he toyed with me between the sheets, I couldn't care less.
My entire body was in knots. My legs were shaking with tension and my stomach was contracting with pain as I glare up at him. I bite into my lip until I taste blood; not caring that I was only feeding into his obsessive need for domination.
“Baby, it‘s my birthday…“ I whined, reaching up and raking my nails down his chest. “Don’t tease me, Alex.“
A feral growl of pleasure emitted from his chest at the sound of his name. With a snarl still on his lips he reared back and then quickly forward, slamming into me fiercely.
Snapping my head back I scream myself hoarse as I began careening over the edge of bliss; too out of it to notice that he was right there with me.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
#32 - Charm And Attention
Slow Club - When I Go
I stood in between Mike and Feds, watching Alex handle the press like a pro; alright maybe not a pro… I thought, smiling to myself as the reporters erupted with laughter around him.
It wasn’t like watching my dad or Sidney do interview; they were both so proper. I always assumed that it was the best way, but they always sounded so plain; so cut and dry. There was no laughter, no jokes; just text book responses.
Alex was different. The Capitals’ PR workers always tried to make him say certain things; he never did though. He said what was on his mind, what he was thinking; he spoke the truth - or at least the truth as he saw it. It was endearing enough that you couldn’t help but be charmed by him. I was positive he could win anyone over, well, when he was behaving and not allowing his ego to inflate again.
“So what’s up with you guys anyway?” Mike whispered, leaning over to hear me better.
I shrugged my shoulders, not really wanting to have this conversation with Mike. I loved the guy to death, but Alex and I hadn’t even figured that out yet. “I don’t know.” I answered honestly, blushing as I felt Feds turn his attention on me too. “We haven’t discussed it really…” I sighed.
“He told me he you said no when he asked you out.” Mike said, grinning sheepishly.
“I did not say no! I just said I needed time to think about it… and why was he telling you about that?” I asked, completely shocked that Alex was saying anything about his relationship with me.
“He was over at my place a few weeks ago.” He explained, still grinning. “He seemed very put out but… I just can’t figure it out. I mean, you get along so well and you’re always together… why not just make it official?”
Sighing, I looked away. I had no idea what to say to that; because for someone who didn’t actually understand the relationship’s implication on me, I had no solution. We did get along great, fantastic even; and we were together almost all the time. It seemed like only a natural progression to move into the ’official’ relationship stage. “It’s complicated.” I finally said, as Alex made him way over to us.
“Sorry about that…” He grinned, keeping a respectful distance from me as the cameras continued to follow him.
“No worries.” I said as I ran my hands down along the sides of my dress; I really needed to tell Alex that pink wasn’t my colour.
It was another random charity dinner for the Capitals; it seemed like there was another one every other week.
This time however, I had gone as Alex’s unsanctioned date; that was the best explanation I had for the attention grabbing dress.
I thought it made me look horrible, but I kept seeing Alex’s eyes drift down my curves every now and then; that was the upside to it. The only upside.
When the dinner started I took my seat with beside Ben and a few of the upper scale employees; much to Alex’s dismay. I hated the idea of sitting across the room from him for the rest of the night; but it was the only way that made sense if we were trying to remain inconspicuous.
With my luck this whole thing was probably being televised, and the last thing I needed was a phone call from my dad wondering why Ovechkin had his arm around me.
I sighed, wondering how easy this all would be if my dad was someone else; than I instantly regretted the thought. I felt guilty for even allowing the words to filter through my brain; this was my problem not his. I needed to stop using him as an excuse as to why I couldn’t be with Alex.
Maybe he’d be as tolerant as mom. Maybe he would say that he was fine with it, as long as it was what I wanted. That, was most likely wistful thinking, but then again, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d surprised me.
Suddenly, the idea of going official didn’t seem so bad.
I liked Alex, too much for my own good; but regardless, I knew he was the one that I wanted to be with.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and had me searching the room for him at once. He was chatting with Mike, both of them looking intense. He caught my eye a minute later and shot me a pitiful look; tugging at my heartstrings, as if he was actually in distress. He was such a baby sometimes… I sighed, not necessarily viewing that as a bad thing.
He had enough charm that he was able to get away with those kinds of things; more charm than any one man should be allowed.
I continued to watch him and Mike as their conversation became less serious; eventually leading to them getting scolded by Boudreau for being too rowdy. I couldn’t help but grin; both at them and at my revelation. I was going to tell Alex that I was ready for it, for us.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kiss A Girl - Keith Urban
She smiled at me from across the room and I pouted back. Normally, when I dated someone, it was as eye-candy, a trophy wife; so to speak. I didn’t actually care if they were beside, but they always were - making sure no other girls were coming on to me.
I looked at Jespin, wishing that she had agreed to sit with me. I was already ecstatic that she came here tonight, but I would have enjoyed the evening more if she was beside me. “So… Jespin‘s still not dating you, which makes total sense to me. She‘s a total fuckin’ babe and you‘re… you... but for some reason she‘s all gaga eyes over there. What the hell did you do to her?” Greener asked, leaning towards me.
I grinned sheepishly, my mind automatically falling into the gutter. I started remember specific details about the quickie we had in the shower before we got here. “You’re gonna have to be a lot less vague than that…” I chuckled causing Greener to groan.
“Why is everyone else getting some except me?” He huffed, unintentionally loud enough to draw the attention of some other team-mates. It didn`t bother me any though, I was too busy wishing Jespin was close enough to kiss.
“Mike…” Brooks whispered urgently from down the table.
“What?” He hissed back, folding his arms across his chest. Brooks mouthed the word ‘I’, pointing at his actual eye. “I…” Greener repeated out loud. Brooks made a thrusting gesture and mouthed the word ‘fucked’. “Fucked…”
Brooks leaned back and grinned, pointing a thumb at Greener’s sister, Kelly; who was sitting beside him. “Oh! Fuck you dude!” Greener yelled loudly, gaining the attention from some other tables. “I hate you so much…” He groaned as Boudreau came over and began to cuss us out.
“Cocksucker…” Greener said quietly as Coach B finished his rant and walked away from us.
We both looked back over at Brooks who was grinning broadly. He lifted up his hand, closing his fingers one by one until only his pointer finger and middle finger were still stick up. He wrapped one arm around his girlfriends’ shoulders, and lowered the other hand below the table, in her direction.
Kelly stiffened as her mouth opened in shock. She snapped her head in Brook’s direction staring at him incredulity as his arm began to make slow jerking movements. I heard Greener hiss beside me before he launched a dinner roll at Brooks’ head.
“What were you guys doing over there? I thought Boudreau was gonna have a heart attack… he doesn’t even get that upset during games…” Jespin asked absently, gazing out the window as we headed back to her house.
“Ah…” I said slowly, trying to buy myself sometime. I was very sexually active with Jespin, but for some reason; talking about something sexual in the manner Brooks did, didn’t feel right. “Brooks and Greener were just… fighting with each other…”
I was glad when she didn’t pressure me anymore than that.
Her phone began to vibrate in her pursue and she answered it. Speaking for a few minutes before hanging up, sighing.
It vibrated again a minute later and she acted out the same thing. Answering, speaking for a minute, then hanging up.
The third time it went off I glanced at the dashboard’s clock; wondering why so many people were calling her at midnight. “What’s going on?”
“Just my family calling…” She replied, sighing again.
“At midnight? Three times?”
“My mom, my dad and then one of my sisters…” She explained still not making much sense. I raised my eyebrows at her, still wondering. “It’s officially my birthday now…” She said quietly, glancing back out the window.
“What do you mean it’s your birthday?” I spat, nearly taking the car off the road.
She turned around to face me. “It’s February 3rd now… my birthday.”
I looked back out the windshield in complete shock. Did I know this? Did she tell me this? How did I forget this? I don’t have anything for her… oh shit! I didn’t get her anything… fuck! “Ah… I didn’t know.” I said, completely apologetic, hoping she wasn’t about to freak out.
“I know. That’s cause I didn’t tell you.” She said simply, reaching over to squeeze my knee reassuringly. “I don’t like making a big deal out of birthdays and I knew that you’d try to make a big production out of it.”
“Well, what do you want then?” I asked, not disputing her. She was right after all, I would have thrown a huge party for her.
“I don’t know… long road trip coming up, we could just hang at my place, watch movie or whatever…”
I nodded, still trying to figure out what I was going to buy her. “Alright, that sounds… reasonable.”
We fell silent after that, even though my mind was racing. I needed to get her something special, something fantastic, something great. But what?
I stood in between Mike and Feds, watching Alex handle the press like a pro; alright maybe not a pro… I thought, smiling to myself as the reporters erupted with laughter around him.
It wasn’t like watching my dad or Sidney do interview; they were both so proper. I always assumed that it was the best way, but they always sounded so plain; so cut and dry. There was no laughter, no jokes; just text book responses.
Alex was different. The Capitals’ PR workers always tried to make him say certain things; he never did though. He said what was on his mind, what he was thinking; he spoke the truth - or at least the truth as he saw it. It was endearing enough that you couldn’t help but be charmed by him. I was positive he could win anyone over, well, when he was behaving and not allowing his ego to inflate again.
“So what’s up with you guys anyway?” Mike whispered, leaning over to hear me better.
I shrugged my shoulders, not really wanting to have this conversation with Mike. I loved the guy to death, but Alex and I hadn’t even figured that out yet. “I don’t know.” I answered honestly, blushing as I felt Feds turn his attention on me too. “We haven’t discussed it really…” I sighed.
“He told me he you said no when he asked you out.” Mike said, grinning sheepishly.
“I did not say no! I just said I needed time to think about it… and why was he telling you about that?” I asked, completely shocked that Alex was saying anything about his relationship with me.
“He was over at my place a few weeks ago.” He explained, still grinning. “He seemed very put out but… I just can’t figure it out. I mean, you get along so well and you’re always together… why not just make it official?”
Sighing, I looked away. I had no idea what to say to that; because for someone who didn’t actually understand the relationship’s implication on me, I had no solution. We did get along great, fantastic even; and we were together almost all the time. It seemed like only a natural progression to move into the ’official’ relationship stage. “It’s complicated.” I finally said, as Alex made him way over to us.
“Sorry about that…” He grinned, keeping a respectful distance from me as the cameras continued to follow him.
“No worries.” I said as I ran my hands down along the sides of my dress; I really needed to tell Alex that pink wasn’t my colour.
It was another random charity dinner for the Capitals; it seemed like there was another one every other week.
This time however, I had gone as Alex’s unsanctioned date; that was the best explanation I had for the attention grabbing dress.
I thought it made me look horrible, but I kept seeing Alex’s eyes drift down my curves every now and then; that was the upside to it. The only upside.
When the dinner started I took my seat with beside Ben and a few of the upper scale employees; much to Alex’s dismay. I hated the idea of sitting across the room from him for the rest of the night; but it was the only way that made sense if we were trying to remain inconspicuous.
With my luck this whole thing was probably being televised, and the last thing I needed was a phone call from my dad wondering why Ovechkin had his arm around me.
I sighed, wondering how easy this all would be if my dad was someone else; than I instantly regretted the thought. I felt guilty for even allowing the words to filter through my brain; this was my problem not his. I needed to stop using him as an excuse as to why I couldn’t be with Alex.
Maybe he’d be as tolerant as mom. Maybe he would say that he was fine with it, as long as it was what I wanted. That, was most likely wistful thinking, but then again, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d surprised me.
Suddenly, the idea of going official didn’t seem so bad.
I liked Alex, too much for my own good; but regardless, I knew he was the one that I wanted to be with.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and had me searching the room for him at once. He was chatting with Mike, both of them looking intense. He caught my eye a minute later and shot me a pitiful look; tugging at my heartstrings, as if he was actually in distress. He was such a baby sometimes… I sighed, not necessarily viewing that as a bad thing.
He had enough charm that he was able to get away with those kinds of things; more charm than any one man should be allowed.
I continued to watch him and Mike as their conversation became less serious; eventually leading to them getting scolded by Boudreau for being too rowdy. I couldn’t help but grin; both at them and at my revelation. I was going to tell Alex that I was ready for it, for us.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Kiss A Girl - Keith Urban
She smiled at me from across the room and I pouted back. Normally, when I dated someone, it was as eye-candy, a trophy wife; so to speak. I didn’t actually care if they were beside, but they always were - making sure no other girls were coming on to me.
I looked at Jespin, wishing that she had agreed to sit with me. I was already ecstatic that she came here tonight, but I would have enjoyed the evening more if she was beside me. “So… Jespin‘s still not dating you, which makes total sense to me. She‘s a total fuckin’ babe and you‘re… you... but for some reason she‘s all gaga eyes over there. What the hell did you do to her?” Greener asked, leaning towards me.
I grinned sheepishly, my mind automatically falling into the gutter. I started remember specific details about the quickie we had in the shower before we got here. “You’re gonna have to be a lot less vague than that…” I chuckled causing Greener to groan.
“Why is everyone else getting some except me?” He huffed, unintentionally loud enough to draw the attention of some other team-mates. It didn`t bother me any though, I was too busy wishing Jespin was close enough to kiss.
“Mike…” Brooks whispered urgently from down the table.
“What?” He hissed back, folding his arms across his chest. Brooks mouthed the word ‘I’, pointing at his actual eye. “I…” Greener repeated out loud. Brooks made a thrusting gesture and mouthed the word ‘fucked’. “Fucked…”
Brooks leaned back and grinned, pointing a thumb at Greener’s sister, Kelly; who was sitting beside him. “Oh! Fuck you dude!” Greener yelled loudly, gaining the attention from some other tables. “I hate you so much…” He groaned as Boudreau came over and began to cuss us out.
“Cocksucker…” Greener said quietly as Coach B finished his rant and walked away from us.
We both looked back over at Brooks who was grinning broadly. He lifted up his hand, closing his fingers one by one until only his pointer finger and middle finger were still stick up. He wrapped one arm around his girlfriends’ shoulders, and lowered the other hand below the table, in her direction.
Kelly stiffened as her mouth opened in shock. She snapped her head in Brook’s direction staring at him incredulity as his arm began to make slow jerking movements. I heard Greener hiss beside me before he launched a dinner roll at Brooks’ head.
“What were you guys doing over there? I thought Boudreau was gonna have a heart attack… he doesn’t even get that upset during games…” Jespin asked absently, gazing out the window as we headed back to her house.
“Ah…” I said slowly, trying to buy myself sometime. I was very sexually active with Jespin, but for some reason; talking about something sexual in the manner Brooks did, didn’t feel right. “Brooks and Greener were just… fighting with each other…”
I was glad when she didn’t pressure me anymore than that.
Her phone began to vibrate in her pursue and she answered it. Speaking for a few minutes before hanging up, sighing.
It vibrated again a minute later and she acted out the same thing. Answering, speaking for a minute, then hanging up.
The third time it went off I glanced at the dashboard’s clock; wondering why so many people were calling her at midnight. “What’s going on?”
“Just my family calling…” She replied, sighing again.
“At midnight? Three times?”
“My mom, my dad and then one of my sisters…” She explained still not making much sense. I raised my eyebrows at her, still wondering. “It’s officially my birthday now…” She said quietly, glancing back out the window.
“What do you mean it’s your birthday?” I spat, nearly taking the car off the road.
She turned around to face me. “It’s February 3rd now… my birthday.”
I looked back out the windshield in complete shock. Did I know this? Did she tell me this? How did I forget this? I don’t have anything for her… oh shit! I didn’t get her anything… fuck! “Ah… I didn’t know.” I said, completely apologetic, hoping she wasn’t about to freak out.
“I know. That’s cause I didn’t tell you.” She said simply, reaching over to squeeze my knee reassuringly. “I don’t like making a big deal out of birthdays and I knew that you’d try to make a big production out of it.”
“Well, what do you want then?” I asked, not disputing her. She was right after all, I would have thrown a huge party for her.
“I don’t know… long road trip coming up, we could just hang at my place, watch movie or whatever…”
I nodded, still trying to figure out what I was going to buy her. “Alright, that sounds… reasonable.”
We fell silent after that, even though my mind was racing. I needed to get her something special, something fantastic, something great. But what?
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
#31 - Last Thing I Saw
When I Look At You - Leslie Roy
I’d gotten too close with Alex over the past couple weeks. Way, way too close. There were a few times when I’d come close to getting caught in a lie, too close to having him call me out on something.
He knew something was off. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there was something else going on. He just didn’t realize that that ‘something else’ happened to revolve around the Pittsburgh Penguins
He’d broken down my walls easier than I ever thought possible; and in return I’d tried to push him away. I didn’t want him to find out who I was… I was too scared of loosing him now. It was a vicious circle.
I was a afraid that he was going to leave because I was pushing him away. I was pushing him away because I was scared he’d find out the truth. I was scared if he found out the truth then he would leave… and then I ended up back to pushing him away.
That’s why the vodka tasted so good. It burned my throat but it also numbed my body. Numbed it until I couldn’t feel anything.
Even better was the feeling of the dance floor beneath my feet; and Alex’s body pressed up against my back, his hot breath on my neck.
I could remember the last time I had gotten this intoxicated; and oddly enough, it had also involved Alex and a dance floor.
Of course this time it was different. There was still the hormones and heavy petting; but it wasn’t vague this time around, it carried with it a intense need and definitive ending. We both knew where how this was going to go down.
I was starting to fall for him; but I didn’t want to think about that. All I wanted to think about was the here and now. This, and how real ’this’ was.
Even though it had literally been just a few months since I met Alex; I already couldn’t imagine what it would be like without him. It was hard to imagine a Washington where he didn’t exist - what else would be here for me?
I didn’t want to - no, I couldn’t - think about that. I had to pretend that the season would never end, that I would never loose him; that he would never change his mind.
Taking one last chug of my cup I tossed it towards the garbage can; missing by a foot. Sighing, I turned around until I was facing Alex. He grabbed my hips and pulled me against him; grinning as I wound my arms around his neck.
He bent towards me, his lips crashing down on top of mine. I answered back willingly, not carrying that there was hundreds of people around us; probably watching us.
I had never been addicted to drugs before, but I was positive I knew what it felt like. Knew what it felt like to need something so badly it caused you physical pain. Need something so badly you couldn’t focus on anything else; luckily, for some absurd reason, Alex felt the same way about me.
I tilted my head back, tearing away from his kiss in order to gasp for air. He didn’t pull away. He moved down to my exposed neck, his teeth dragging along the skin. The next time I gasped, it wasn’t from lack of air.
I could feel the desire pulsing through my veins as I swayed my pelvis into him; feel the tingle of lust seep down to the heat in between my legs. We had to leave now - before I started pulling off his clothes.
Alcohol, plus hormones, plus Alex, was forever going to be a dangerous equation for me.
Pulling myself up I pushed my lips against his ear, “Alex…” I moaned, knowing I wouldn’t have to say anything else. The best thing about him was that we were always on the same page; at least when it came to the physical things.
He chuckled loudly, releasing his hold on my waist and grabbing my hand. Tugging on me, he pulled my through the crowd of people and back up the stairs towards some of the other Capitals.
He grabbed our coats off one of the couches and headed, full tilt, towards the back exit.
I laughed as he dragged me behind him through the dark parking lot; it was nice to know he needed this just as badly as I did. Flattering really…
He used the buttons on his key to unlock the Lamborghini; pulling my door open and flipping up the front seat. “Get in.” He ordered, ushering me inside.
I bent low, crawling towards the back slowly; trying not to fall over from the alcohol. He let out a low growl of impatient and slapped my ass, hard. I let out a yelp, biting my lip as I slid into the seat as fast as I could.
He slammed the door and moved around the front of the yellow hood.
He pulled the door open and then locked it; slamming it behind him as he crawled into the back beside me.
Alex let out at sigh, looking down at my shirt and then back up at me. Thank god for tinted windows… I thought with pleasure, as I pulled the green fabric up and over my head.
Alex was on me before I was completely free of my top; his hands expertly undoing the back of my bra and casting it away. He pulled me onto his lap, his eyes drinking me in as his hands began to dig into the soft flesh around my nipples. “Vi znachete vce k mne…” he mumbled, before his teeth dug into my shoulder. I let out a feral growl, too overcome with need to care about what he was saying. If it wasn’t in English and didn’t involve to word ’fucking’, I was in no mood to hear it.
His hands ran up my bare legs and underneath the skirt I was wearing. I reached down, undoing his pants and sliding my hands under his boxers; grasping his hard cock in my hands and pulling it out.
His fingers grabbed at the tiny black panties I was wearing and shoved them aside roughly; forcing me downwards until I was impaled on him.
I groaned in sheer pleasure as he began to lift me up and down, pumping my body along his length; filling me over and over. I felt myself tighten around him as his dick repeatedly pounded into me; demanding my immediate climax.
Obliging I wrapped myself around his neck, whimpering as the feeling of release over took me.
Grunting, he followed second later; his muscular arms winding themselves around my tightly. He held me still - safe and securely - for a few minutes before he sighed deeply.
I started to giggle as I looked around for my shirt. “I can’t believe we just had sex in a parking lot. The parking lot of a bar no less… that’s so sketchy…”
“When the car cost more than the bar, it’s ok.” He smirked, doing his pants back up and moving into the driver’s seat.
Once I had pulled my bra and shirt back on I climbed into the front seat beside him. Leaning the back of my head against the window so I could look at him as he drove. I was still fairly intoxicated, and that, mixed with the energy I had just spent in the back of the car, was making me feel dopey and tired.
I covered a yawn with the back of my hand as he smiled to himself.
I tried to keep my eyes awake and focused on him; as the lights of the side reflected through the windshield, casting different colours across his face. My neck was cramping from the position I was holding it in, but it didn’t matter. If I was going to fall asleep, I’d be damned if he wasn’t going to be the last thing I saw.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I Will Follow You Into The Dark Night - Death Cab For Cutie(Cover)
I took one last glance at her, just as her eyes finally closed. I shook my head and turned my direction back to the street in front of me.
The light was turning red and I began to slow down as gently as possible. I didn’t want to disturb her as she let out a gentle snore.
The guys were never going to let me live down what happened at the bar; but it didn’t matter, it was worth it - Jespin was worth it.
I could see the looks that the boys were giving me on my mad dash, and I knew I’d have to answer for it later; the laughter, cat-calls, snide remarks.
I sat at the red light, waiting for it to change; taking the opportunity to look over at her again. Her head was flopping down onto her chest; her arms limp. She was completely zonked out.
I smiled and looked at the clock, it was going to be after two by the time I got over to her place; I opted for mine instead.
I changed lanes just as the light switched to green, turning the car left onto my street.
I pulled my Lamborghini into the empty garage stall, glancing over at Jespin again. I started to laugh quietly as she mumbled some incoherent words, shaking my head before I got out of the car.
I moved around to the other side of the vehicle, slowly opening her door and trying to insure that she didn’t fall out on the floor.
I grabbed her out of the seat and hoisted her up into my arms, kicking the door shut behind me. She was extremely light so I had no problem carrying her through the door and up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.
I laid her down on the bed, tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ears, before I pulled the quilt up to her chest.
I sat down beside her, running my fingers along the side of her face as she slept soundly; her breathing causing the black bedcovers to shift slightly.
Her pale skin stood out against the dark sheets, illuminating the perfect curves of her face. That was the best way to describe her, perfect.
It felt strange; having so many different emotions directed at one person, it was something I’d never experienced before. There were times when I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, never let go her go. Other times I wanted to make her scream out; I wanted to dig my fingers into her and listen to her cry my name as my body moved inside of hers.
Then there were the times that were the most confusing of all. The times that I just wanted to be around her, talk to her and listen to her. I could listen to her talk forever, about anything; school, her intern, her family. I could confide in her too. Tell her almost all my secrets and fears, or just be around her; not saying anything at all.
I couldn’t imagine not being with her now; she’d altered me so completely, there was no going back.
I wasn’t just use to her, she’d become one of the greatest parts of my life; one of the few people I could count on at any time.
There were times when I wanted to tell her how I felt, how I really felt; but I was too scared. Not scared because I thought she didn’t love me back, or because I was too much of a coward to say the words; but because thinking about it took me back to a darker place.
I wasn’t worthy of love.
It hadn’t been an issue before; I didn’t love the women that I was with, but that was fine. It was my reimbursement, my compensation.
I wasn’t allowed to have everything. I could have the fame and the money, the talent and the dream job; but love, that was just too much.
When I thought about telling her that I loved her, I remembered about Sergi. I remembered about the day that he died, and I remembered that it was my fault.
He wanted me to have this life; he wanted me to be the greatest hockey player in the world, and I did it, for him. But I couldn’t have this too.
So I didn’t say anything.
I undressed, laying down beside her and positioning her until she was against me. I gently kissed the side of her head before turning off the light. I could still see her slightly, the lights from the streetlamp shining in through the window.
I watched her until I felt my eyelids grow too heavy to remain open; satisfied that she was the last thing I saw.
I’d gotten too close with Alex over the past couple weeks. Way, way too close. There were a few times when I’d come close to getting caught in a lie, too close to having him call me out on something.
He knew something was off. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there was something else going on. He just didn’t realize that that ‘something else’ happened to revolve around the Pittsburgh Penguins
He’d broken down my walls easier than I ever thought possible; and in return I’d tried to push him away. I didn’t want him to find out who I was… I was too scared of loosing him now. It was a vicious circle.
I was a afraid that he was going to leave because I was pushing him away. I was pushing him away because I was scared he’d find out the truth. I was scared if he found out the truth then he would leave… and then I ended up back to pushing him away.
That’s why the vodka tasted so good. It burned my throat but it also numbed my body. Numbed it until I couldn’t feel anything.
Even better was the feeling of the dance floor beneath my feet; and Alex’s body pressed up against my back, his hot breath on my neck.
I could remember the last time I had gotten this intoxicated; and oddly enough, it had also involved Alex and a dance floor.
Of course this time it was different. There was still the hormones and heavy petting; but it wasn’t vague this time around, it carried with it a intense need and definitive ending. We both knew where how this was going to go down.
I was starting to fall for him; but I didn’t want to think about that. All I wanted to think about was the here and now. This, and how real ’this’ was.
Even though it had literally been just a few months since I met Alex; I already couldn’t imagine what it would be like without him. It was hard to imagine a Washington where he didn’t exist - what else would be here for me?
I didn’t want to - no, I couldn’t - think about that. I had to pretend that the season would never end, that I would never loose him; that he would never change his mind.
Taking one last chug of my cup I tossed it towards the garbage can; missing by a foot. Sighing, I turned around until I was facing Alex. He grabbed my hips and pulled me against him; grinning as I wound my arms around his neck.
He bent towards me, his lips crashing down on top of mine. I answered back willingly, not carrying that there was hundreds of people around us; probably watching us.
I had never been addicted to drugs before, but I was positive I knew what it felt like. Knew what it felt like to need something so badly it caused you physical pain. Need something so badly you couldn’t focus on anything else; luckily, for some absurd reason, Alex felt the same way about me.
I tilted my head back, tearing away from his kiss in order to gasp for air. He didn’t pull away. He moved down to my exposed neck, his teeth dragging along the skin. The next time I gasped, it wasn’t from lack of air.
I could feel the desire pulsing through my veins as I swayed my pelvis into him; feel the tingle of lust seep down to the heat in between my legs. We had to leave now - before I started pulling off his clothes.
Alcohol, plus hormones, plus Alex, was forever going to be a dangerous equation for me.
Pulling myself up I pushed my lips against his ear, “Alex…” I moaned, knowing I wouldn’t have to say anything else. The best thing about him was that we were always on the same page; at least when it came to the physical things.
He chuckled loudly, releasing his hold on my waist and grabbing my hand. Tugging on me, he pulled my through the crowd of people and back up the stairs towards some of the other Capitals.
He grabbed our coats off one of the couches and headed, full tilt, towards the back exit.
I laughed as he dragged me behind him through the dark parking lot; it was nice to know he needed this just as badly as I did. Flattering really…
He used the buttons on his key to unlock the Lamborghini; pulling my door open and flipping up the front seat. “Get in.” He ordered, ushering me inside.
I bent low, crawling towards the back slowly; trying not to fall over from the alcohol. He let out a low growl of impatient and slapped my ass, hard. I let out a yelp, biting my lip as I slid into the seat as fast as I could.
He slammed the door and moved around the front of the yellow hood.
He pulled the door open and then locked it; slamming it behind him as he crawled into the back beside me.
Alex let out at sigh, looking down at my shirt and then back up at me. Thank god for tinted windows… I thought with pleasure, as I pulled the green fabric up and over my head.
Alex was on me before I was completely free of my top; his hands expertly undoing the back of my bra and casting it away. He pulled me onto his lap, his eyes drinking me in as his hands began to dig into the soft flesh around my nipples. “Vi znachete vce k mne…” he mumbled, before his teeth dug into my shoulder. I let out a feral growl, too overcome with need to care about what he was saying. If it wasn’t in English and didn’t involve to word ’fucking’, I was in no mood to hear it.
His hands ran up my bare legs and underneath the skirt I was wearing. I reached down, undoing his pants and sliding my hands under his boxers; grasping his hard cock in my hands and pulling it out.
His fingers grabbed at the tiny black panties I was wearing and shoved them aside roughly; forcing me downwards until I was impaled on him.
I groaned in sheer pleasure as he began to lift me up and down, pumping my body along his length; filling me over and over. I felt myself tighten around him as his dick repeatedly pounded into me; demanding my immediate climax.
Obliging I wrapped myself around his neck, whimpering as the feeling of release over took me.
Grunting, he followed second later; his muscular arms winding themselves around my tightly. He held me still - safe and securely - for a few minutes before he sighed deeply.
I started to giggle as I looked around for my shirt. “I can’t believe we just had sex in a parking lot. The parking lot of a bar no less… that’s so sketchy…”
“When the car cost more than the bar, it’s ok.” He smirked, doing his pants back up and moving into the driver’s seat.
Once I had pulled my bra and shirt back on I climbed into the front seat beside him. Leaning the back of my head against the window so I could look at him as he drove. I was still fairly intoxicated, and that, mixed with the energy I had just spent in the back of the car, was making me feel dopey and tired.
I covered a yawn with the back of my hand as he smiled to himself.
I tried to keep my eyes awake and focused on him; as the lights of the side reflected through the windshield, casting different colours across his face. My neck was cramping from the position I was holding it in, but it didn’t matter. If I was going to fall asleep, I’d be damned if he wasn’t going to be the last thing I saw.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
I Will Follow You Into The Dark Night - Death Cab For Cutie(Cover)
I took one last glance at her, just as her eyes finally closed. I shook my head and turned my direction back to the street in front of me.
The light was turning red and I began to slow down as gently as possible. I didn’t want to disturb her as she let out a gentle snore.
The guys were never going to let me live down what happened at the bar; but it didn’t matter, it was worth it - Jespin was worth it.
I could see the looks that the boys were giving me on my mad dash, and I knew I’d have to answer for it later; the laughter, cat-calls, snide remarks.
I sat at the red light, waiting for it to change; taking the opportunity to look over at her again. Her head was flopping down onto her chest; her arms limp. She was completely zonked out.
I smiled and looked at the clock, it was going to be after two by the time I got over to her place; I opted for mine instead.
I changed lanes just as the light switched to green, turning the car left onto my street.
I pulled my Lamborghini into the empty garage stall, glancing over at Jespin again. I started to laugh quietly as she mumbled some incoherent words, shaking my head before I got out of the car.
I moved around to the other side of the vehicle, slowly opening her door and trying to insure that she didn’t fall out on the floor.
I grabbed her out of the seat and hoisted her up into my arms, kicking the door shut behind me. She was extremely light so I had no problem carrying her through the door and up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.
I laid her down on the bed, tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ears, before I pulled the quilt up to her chest.
I sat down beside her, running my fingers along the side of her face as she slept soundly; her breathing causing the black bedcovers to shift slightly.
Her pale skin stood out against the dark sheets, illuminating the perfect curves of her face. That was the best way to describe her, perfect.
It felt strange; having so many different emotions directed at one person, it was something I’d never experienced before. There were times when I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, never let go her go. Other times I wanted to make her scream out; I wanted to dig my fingers into her and listen to her cry my name as my body moved inside of hers.
Then there were the times that were the most confusing of all. The times that I just wanted to be around her, talk to her and listen to her. I could listen to her talk forever, about anything; school, her intern, her family. I could confide in her too. Tell her almost all my secrets and fears, or just be around her; not saying anything at all.
I couldn’t imagine not being with her now; she’d altered me so completely, there was no going back.
I wasn’t just use to her, she’d become one of the greatest parts of my life; one of the few people I could count on at any time.
There were times when I wanted to tell her how I felt, how I really felt; but I was too scared. Not scared because I thought she didn’t love me back, or because I was too much of a coward to say the words; but because thinking about it took me back to a darker place.
I wasn’t worthy of love.
It hadn’t been an issue before; I didn’t love the women that I was with, but that was fine. It was my reimbursement, my compensation.
I wasn’t allowed to have everything. I could have the fame and the money, the talent and the dream job; but love, that was just too much.
When I thought about telling her that I loved her, I remembered about Sergi. I remembered about the day that he died, and I remembered that it was my fault.
He wanted me to have this life; he wanted me to be the greatest hockey player in the world, and I did it, for him. But I couldn’t have this too.
So I didn’t say anything.
I undressed, laying down beside her and positioning her until she was against me. I gently kissed the side of her head before turning off the light. I could still see her slightly, the lights from the streetlamp shining in through the window.
I watched her until I felt my eyelids grow too heavy to remain open; satisfied that she was the last thing I saw.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)