Traitor (Crosby vs Ovechkin)

Stories as they go...

2010-01-28T16:19:00.000-08:00

Stories... YAY!

Alright, Gogo story is starting on Feb. 1st (Should be a good time!)

And I'm still following my original schedule BUT... just so you guys can have the addresses, here's the:

Semin story and the

Godard story

Cheers!

Epilogue

2010-01-20T14:00:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note.
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who took part in reading this story with me. I wasn't hoping to end it on some kind of cliché cop-out, but I really hope you'll be happy with where we ended up.
It has meant a lot to me, to have each and every one of you reading along and I especially loved getting your feedback!
After receiving a few e-mails from people who follow this story I decided to promise that I would write a sequel... but that will not be for a *long* time! I have so many other fun ideas and I really, really hope that you guys enjoy them! (I'll put the sequel's link at the end... but again, it won't be happening for a long time).

Thank you all, so, so much.

Cheers!

Make You Close Your Eyes - Dierks Bentley

I could tell by the look on her face that she expected to find anger when she looked up at me. She probably thought I was going to tell her to get out of my house, out of my city; move back to Pittsburgh, but I didn’t. It was the farthest thing from my mind. “Seriously Jespin, that’s so stupid…" I said slowly, allowing my voice to lose it's edge. "Why would you ever think that I didn’t want you?”

She inhaled sharply, her eyes starting to well up with tears. She opened her mouth to say something, but I stopped her; not with words but with my lips.
I kissed her like I never kissed her before; until my lips hurt and I was light-headed.

I finally pulled away from her, cupping her face in my hands. “I thought you were gone… I didn’t think you were coming back.” I stopped talking as my voice became too choked up to trust.

She gave me a weak smile as I flopped down on the couch, pulling her down beside me. “I’m sorry about that… I just…” She laughed sadly, shaking her head slightly before continuing. “After everything that’s happened, I wasn’t sure you’d want me to come back. I wasn‘t going to but… I guess I‘d been looking for an excuse to stay here.”

“You already have an excuse Jes. Ya tak lyub-lyu te-bya…”

“You know I don’t know what you’re saying, right?”

I turned around to face her fully, cupping her face in my hands, tilting it towards me. “It means that I love you. That I love you more than anything… that, I need you here with me, always.”

She tried to shake her head, but I stopped her; forcing her to keep eye contact with me. “You don’t mean that.” She said finally, her eyes brimming with tears.

“But I do.” I wanted to say everything, tell her everything that I was feeling; but I couldn’t - she made me speechless.
Instead I bent down, grazing my lips against hers. I deepened the kiss; not breaking it as I scooped her up in my arms and carried her towards my room.

I set her back down on her feet once we were by the bed. I could tell she wanted to say something but I didn’t allow it, continuing to hold her face up to mine with one hand; the other gently sliding away the straps of her simple sun-dress.
I felt it fall down on top of my feet as her arms wound around my waist. I let go of her face, breaking the kiss long enough to pull my shirt over my head and toss it away.
My pants went next, flying across the room to land somewhere by my shirt. I dropped down on my knees in front of her, grabbing onto her hips with my hands.
I slid the white lace down over her thighs before I looked up, meeting her gaze for the first time since we came through the bedroom door.
It was crazy, how long it had been since I’d seen her; but everything came back as soon as I saw those eyes.

I smiled to myself as I began to trail kisses along her waist and onto her thigh. She let out a low sigh and I took it as my cue to continue. I moved my head lower until I could shove my tongue into her soft, wet, folds.
Her hands began to run through my hair, coaxing me onward.

I pushed her down onto the end of the bed and moved as close to her as I could; until my chest was pressed against the bed, in between her legs.
I worked her over with my fingers and tongue until she couldn’t hold herself up any longer; flopping down on the bed with a satisfied grin.
I scooped her up again, positioning her until she was at the top of the bed, before crawling up on top of her.
Pushing her legs open I lowered myself down. I needed her desperately, every part of her; immediately.
But there were too many things that I needed to say first, too many things that I needed to make her understand. “Jes…” I murmured into her ear, nuzzling my face against her.

“Alex, please…” She whined, wrapping her arms around my neck. “Don’t stop…” I bit down on the inside of my cheek to keep from slamming myself into her; this was too important.

“Don’t worry love, we will.” I said softly, reaffirming what I already knew. “I need you to understand something first though… I love you.”

“Alex-”

“No listen. I know I never said it before, and I know that I should have. But I love you Jespin Lemieux, I love every single part of you.
I can’t ever loose you again Jes, I need you to know that I want you forever. I need you to know that no matter what’s happened in the past, and no matter what anyone has to say - you are the only woman I’ve ever loved.
I won’t loose you again Jes. I’m not going to make the same mistakes that we’ve been making. This time I’m in it for life… and if you ever pull another stunt like you did back home… I’m gonna follow you back to Pittsburgh, and not take no for an answer."

She sighed, tears falling from the corner of her eyes. “I love you…” She said softly, reaching up to wipe away at the streaks of wetness that were traveling down her face. “I’m so sorr-” I rolled my eyes, cutting her off by pressing my lips gently to hers.

I still couldn’t believe that she was really here, even in the heat of passion; her body arching up against mine as her legs quivered gently around me, I couldn’t believe it was real.
In response to my inability to accept the truth, I held onto her tighter.

I grasped her shoulders firmly in my hands, my fingers digging into her soft flesh as I pushed myself inside of her. She was perfection; more beautiful than I remembered. I grinned in complete satisfaction; every inch of her body pressed up against mine as she moved with me in unison.

I wanted everything. I wanted all of her, the good and the bad. The confusing and the wonderful. I knew without a doubt that there could never possibly be anyone else for me, not even close.
I sighed, trying to restrain myself as my hormones and heart started working in harmony. I wanted, no need, to own her. I needed to possess her desires, command her lust; if it was the only thing I did with the rest of my life, I needed her to need me.

There was no way I could ever loose her again, not after everything we went through, not after finally admitting my unyielding love for her. I had to make sure that she understood that, I had to make her see that there was no way we were ever going our separate ways.
I needed to wipe her brain clean of all the bad things in the world. I need to - wanted to - spend the rest of my life reaffirming that I loved her more than anything. I needed to never let a day go by when she didn't know the truth... and more than that; I needed her to love me and believe me. Only me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You Fill My Heart - Jason Walker

Christmas

I sat beside Alex, his arm resting lightly around my shoulders as I watched my dad, Austin, Lauren, Stephanie and Alexia, tear through the presents below the Christmas tree. “They’re not going anywhere you know…” My mother quipped, flopping down on the other side of me, a mug of hot coffee in her hands.
They didn’t answer her, continuing to tear at the brightly coloured paper, until their spoils were scattered across the floor.

I chuckled along with Alex as my family dispersed across the house; everyone moving off to their own rooms, leaving us alone. “Are they always like that?”

“Worse…” I answered, causing him to laugh louder. “They were on their best behaviour for you.” I grinned up at him before leaning over, resting my head on his shoulder as we settled back on the couch, watching the day break through the front, bay window. “What time do your parents get in?” I asked him, my eyes still focused on the winter land outside.

“I’m suppose to pick them up at noon… I can’t believe they’re staying here… so many people.” He sighed, leaning down to kiss the top of my head. “Too many people… how do I get you alone?”

“I have the utmost faith in you.” I giggled, sighing as I finally pushed myself off the black leather surface and made my way into the kitchen. I felt Alex moving behind me as he chased after me, pulling me into a hug before I reached the fridge.

I sighed in complete contentment as I wrapped my arms back around him, breathing him in as he held me, tightly. He pulled away slightly, just enough to smile down at me, staring like always. “Don’t you ever get tired of looking at me… I mean, it’s not like I change or anything…”

He shook his head, grinning broadly. “No, you don’t change… it’s just, the more I look, the more I see…”
I pursed my lips and rolled my eyes slightly as he kissed the top of my forehead; no matter how many times he said things like that to me, I’d probably never be able to take him seriously.
That didn’t mean I wanted him to stop though.

The phone rang and I jumped slightly. Alex didn’t let go of me, continuing to hold onto me tightly as he walked me backwards towards the phone. “A Mr. Troy Crosby…” He chuckled as he pulled the phone off the receiver and handed it to me.

“Hey, Merry Christmas!” I shouted into the phone without waiting to find out who I was talking to. It was someone from Sidney’s house, that was really all I needed to know.

“Hey pretty lady! Get a good haul this year?” Keisha shouted back, causing me to laugh as I glanced back over my shoulder at the assortment of gifts under the tree.

“I still haven’t opened anything yet… too busy watching everyone else I guess.” I explained as Alex bent down to nuzzle his face into my neck. “What about you? Sidney get you anything good?”

She let out a loud squeal and I could only imagine how badly he’d spoiled her. “Honest to god… to god! The damn wrapping paper he used, cost more than I make in a year… I got the poor kid a photo album and a tie…” She sighed audibly, but there was still no mistaking the grin I could easily picture on her face.

“I’m sure he still loved it.” I said, trying to comfort her ego as Alex began to rub his stubble against the sensitive skin on my neck. “Anyway, how’s Cole Harbour treating you?”

I could only imagine the answer to that. Ever since Sidney and Keisha had become a couple, things had certainly been turned upside down in the Crosby household.
Troy was against it, obviously. He had dealt with Sidney’s crush on me only because I was Mario Lemieux’s daughter, and in some sick way, that made me good enough for him.
Troy’s reasoning’s behind his attempted sabotages on their relationship, ranged from it being ‘too soon’ for him to be seen with someone else, to Keisha’s skin colour. Apparently, Troy believed, people would have issues with the Golden Boy being in an interracial relationship.
That wasn't going to sway Sidney. He listened to his dad when it came to hockey and endorsement deals; he was happy, so happy with Keisha.
There was no way he'd let his father ruin that for him... not after he'd spent his whole life searching for a girl like her.

“Hmm… what can I say, I think I’m starting to grow on Papa bear… and things with Sidney are good... I guess. Ugh, ok no lies, I'll be honest... I love the kid to death but if he tries to get me to play hockey one more time, I might kill him.” We both laughed at that, Alex chuckling along with us; apparently Keisha’s voice was carrying - like normal. “No kidding… you’d think there are things to do here… nope. Hockey and standing out front of the bingo hall, no wonder these kids leave town when they’re fifteen.” She quipped while I rolled my eyes; yes the kids left town at fifteen, and then they usually ended up at my house. If anyone knew Sidney’s hockey addiction, it was me.
We said our goodbyes and I told her to give Sidney a hug for me.

I smiled to myself as I hung up the phone, Alex’s arms winding around my waist once again. “Are you gonna open your presents now?” He asked sheepishly as he tugged me away from the kitchen.

I sighed, enjoying the look of excitement and anxiousness on his face. “I suppose I could do that for you…” I chuckled, allowing him to lead me into the living room.

I flopped down on the couch while he grabbed a package and handed it to me. Grinning I pulled off the wrapping, only to feel my mouth drop.
I stared at the photo in my hands, unable to believe it was real. Turning it over I could only shake my head as I felt laughter bubbling up inside of me. “It’s good, isn’t it? Best present you ever got?!” He said proudly, causing me to tear up as the laughter erupted out of me.

“You got me and autographed picture of yourself?” I howled, clutching the frame in my hand as I stared down at it.

“Yah… what could be better than that? Now you can look at me even when I’m not around.”

“And it’s autographed…” I added with a snort.

He nodded, proud as a peacock. “And it’s autographed.”

“Alex, love, don’t ever change. Ok?” I said quietly as he flopped down beside me, throwing his arm around my shoulder. He grinned at me as handed me another package, a smaller one.
I pulled the lid off the box and pulled out a hockey puck.
I glanced over at him, raising my eyebrows as he continued to grin. “An autographed picture of you, and a hockey puck?” I laughed quietly as I wiped away my tears.
I couldn’t help but feel my face light up as I realized that in his mind, these were probably the sweetest things anyone could possibly receive. "Thank you."

He reached out and flipped the hockey puck over, until I could read the white words on the other side; I read them out-loud:

“People are so cynical about love, because,
love truly is everything it’s cracked up to be.
It really is worth fighting for,
being brave for,
risking everything for.
And the trouble is, if you don’t risk anything,
you risk even more.”

I bit my lip as I finished, feeling the emotion well up inside of me as I glanced over at him. He took my momentary silence to reach over and turn the small puck onto it’s side.
I glanced down: November 17th, 2008. “What’s that?” I asked slowly, going back through my mind and trying to figure out what had happened last November. Obviously a hockey game, a game that Alex had scored on with this puck, but I couldn’t make the connection.

“That night I only scored that one goal. I skated by you afterwards and you smiled at me.
And when you smile at me like that, like you really saw me… I knew one day I was going to make you my wife.”

I felt like I couldn’t breath, like everything in the world had just stopped. I couldn’t get my mind to wrap around what he saying; was he asking, or just making an observation?
I watched him in slow motion as he moved off the couch in front of me, dropping down onto his knees and taking my hands in his.
I could see his lips move but I couldn’t make sense of the words; the ringing in my ears were too loud. “I don’t… I don’t know what you’re saying… oh my god.”

“I love you Jespin. I know it’s soon, and I’m not saying that we need to plan anything yet… I don’t want to pressure you, but I need you forever.” He grinned, his eyes brimming with elation as he looked up at me. “Engagements aren't even big things in Russia… people don’t make big hooplas over them or anything so… it’s not a huge-”

“I love you, Alex.” I managed to choke out. “I need you forever too.” I finished, causing his grin to widen as he pulled out the ring.

He stood up slowly, once the ring was in place on my finger, pulling me up beside him. He gently put his arms around me, brushing his lips against mine, as I pressed myself against him. I breathed him in, the tears of joy falling freely down my face as I clung to him.
I took a deep breath, realizing for the first time - without a doubt - that I would never have to let him go again. Not because of anyone or anything.
Alex loved me - loved me just as much as I loved him - and there was no one in the world that could ever take that from me.

The love that coursed through my veins would never require embellishments or glitz and glam; it was perfect in it’s own existence, and would never need more than him.
I knew that I was young and that there would still be the naysayer’s but at that moment, I couldn’t cares less about any of it; not when I’d already found someone who made everything sweeter. That one person that I could be myself around and not worry about being judged or put down; someone that filled my heart with wonder, every time I saw him.

Out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my father. He was leaning against the wall, his arms crossed over his cheat; grinning from ear to ear.
I smiled back at him and he nodded slightly, telling me how much he loved me in a single action.
I shut my eyes again as I began to laugh and cry at the same time.

How beautiful that crowded, messy room looked in that moment; my entire life in one single second of happiness. Everything had been worth it then, I knew that for sure; every tear, every heartache, every feeling of disappointment - it was all nothing but a distant memory in comparison to the love I felt now.
I sighed to myself as Alex pulled away, grinning down at me as he ran his fingers down the side of my face.

I saw in his eyes then, all the validation of the world; telling me that never again would I let down the people that I loved.
The rest of the world could disappear for all I cared; their opinion wouldn’t effect me, not ever again, not ever in the same capacity as before.
I knew now, without a doubt that the only people who mattered were the ones that loved me; Alex, the most amazing of all.

I wasn't worried about the future, not as long as I had him. Nothing would ever mean as much to me, as the love that we shared; and as long as we had that, I would never give up on happiness.
I would never again become a traitor against my own heart.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

colour of love

The End

2010-01-19T14:00:00.000-08:00

Down - Jason Walker

One Month Later

I paced back and forth around the living room, hating myself for thinking I was strong enough to just walk away from her. Letting out a low grunt I flopped down onto one of the armchairs, leaning my head back and closing my eyes as I inhaled deeply. I tried not to think about what she was doing at this very moment, but it was no use. She’s probably out having a good time with the Penguins and the rest of her friends - she’s probably not thinking about me at all.
The thought didn’t even make me angry, just sad. Any anger I felt towards the Penguins, especially Sidney Crosby, were all but extinguished; nothing more than the chard remains of a hate that use to burn through me.
That was the only upside to how I was feeling now. It wasn't even like he had won, I knew that she wasn't with him; that she would never be with him - but that didn't make it better.
I wanted to call her, ask her how her intern was going with the Pens, but I couldn't...

Not having Jespin was like loosing the entire world all at once; one second there had been everything, green earth, warm sun, hope, love… and then the next, nothing.
I missed her so much it hurt; I loved her so bad, it hurt more.

I spent my time bouncing back and forth between determination and hopelessness. At times I wanted to run to Pittsburgh and kick down the front door. Run to her room and grab her; hold onto her and never let her go.
Then I would remember that she was moving on, and I had no right to keep dragging her back to me.
I wasn’t a knight in shinning armour; there were no dragons to slay, nothing for her to be rescued from.

She hadn't found someone else as far as I knew, not yet. I knew someday though, she'd find someone that she wanted to be with more than anything else. I wanted to be happy for her, I wanted to be able to look her in the face and honestly tell her that I was - or at least be able to lie well enough that she’d believe me.

There was no getting over Jes, I knew that, I had accepted that; but that didn’t make life any easier. She was still the only woman that I saw, the only one that mattered; the only one that could make me feel anything.

My mother was concerned, she did little to try and hide it. I wanted to tell her that everything was fine, that I was ok; but she knew me too well to believe me, and I knew her too well to bother lying.

Sergei had always told me to shoot for the stars; that, even if I didn’t make it, it would still be one hell of a ride. I had done that, tried my best to reach for everything I’d ever wanted; but I had failed miserably. I had lost the only thing that ever really mattered, the only thing that would ever matter to me.

And how funny it was, that I could think about Sergei and not hurt anymore.

That was another thing Jespin had done to me; for me. After telling her the truth about my brother and his death; she had sat beside me and comforted me, she didn’t hate me.
She told me that it wasn’t my fault, only for some reason, I believed her. I believed her because I wanted to believe her, and because she made it sound so simple.
Showing her the darkest side of myself, allowing the bad to show; then still feeling her warm embrace surround me, was enough to pull me out of my misery.
Of course I still missed him, deeply; but I was ready now.
I was ready to move on and go forward - not to forget, but - to forgive myself for a world that was, and always would be, out of my control.

Only now I had no one to move forward with…

I sighed as someone knocked on the front door. I glanced down at my watch and realized that I should have left for practice at least twenty minutes ago. Oh well… I thought, pushing myself off the chair and jogging towards the stairs.

I ran past the front door and shouted out “Just a second man! I lost track of time… come in, I gotta change.” I jogged up the stairs as Greener let himself in the front door.
I threw on a pair of D&G jeans, and a tight blue tee-shirt before running back down the stairs.

I went into the kitchen and grabbed my car keys off the table before heading towards the front door. There was no way I was gonna let Greener drive me anywhere, no matter how close it was. That kid just could not be trusted…

I took a deep breath before I turned around the last corner, feeling ready.
Ready for hockey, for the season. Ready to hang out with my friends again, and try to smile. I wasn’t ready to move past Jespin, I probably never would be, but I would go on…

I would go on, because it would be what Sergei wanted me to do; because no matter what my sins had been in the past, even I deserved a second chance. Just because I didn't carry the guilt with me any longer, I knew that I wasn't a traitor. I could still love and honour my brother's memory... I could do that by moving forward, by living life for both of us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The Call - Regina(Cover)

I glanced around the small room that was about to become my new office; packing box in hands. I shifted the container until I was able to lift it, high enough that I could set it on my new desk.
It was full of pictures, documents, textbooks and other odds and ends that I had decided to take with me. On the very top was a picture of Alex and I; one that had been taken during a random night out - it caused me to bite down on my lip, as the picture pushed him back into the forefront of my mind.
I sighed as I began to pull everything out of the box; distributing the contents between the desk, shelves and filing cabinet - accordingly.

“Hey… you must be Jespin?” I turned around and smiled at the girl standing in my doorway.

“Yah I am… Nikita?” I asked her, extending a hand as she smiled at me.

“So you’re the head internet they said? You’re doing the two year program?” I nodded along with her questions, my eyes returning to the picture that was now on my desk - causing them to fill with tears.

“Umm… I’m gonna finish setting some things up in here and then I’ll meet you in the locker-room ok?” I said quickly, trying to mask the emotion that was now brimming in my voice. She nodded and turned around, heading off down the hallway towards the group of boys that I would soon have to face.

I sighed and turned back to the desk and my now half-empty box. I moved to continue on packing, but stopped, flopping down in to the chair and resting my face in my hands. This was the right thing to do… I chanted over and over again in my head, hoping that the constant sanction would stop the burning that was spreading through my chest. It didn’t.
I felt the hot tears pool over my lids and onto the palm of my hands, as my body shook gently with the sobs that were now consuming me. “Jes? Jespin?” I breathed in sharply, wiping away the tears hurriedly as I looked up to meet the gaze of my father. “Jes… what’s wrong?” He moved over to me and pulled me up towards him, holding me against his chest tightly as fresh tears began to trail down my cheeks.

“I’m sorry…” I sobbed, wrapping my arms around his neck as his strong arms held me up.

“Shh…” He hushed in my ear, turning his body slightly; rocking me into a lull. “Are you sure you're doing the right thing Jespin? You've been a mess for weeks” I nodded slowly, pulling my face away from his chest as I did so.

“It is… this is where I belong dad. I just, didn’t think it would hurt so much… I’ve made such a mess of everything. Of everyone.”

“That’s not true Jespin.” He said confidently, tilting my chin towards him and raising his eyebrows. “Are you sure you made the right decision this time though?”

I nodded, trying to appear confident. “I need to be here… this is the right decision. I just, I hope I can make it up to him. He's been better to me than I ever could have deserved and... I never loved him the way I should have... I need to correct that. I need to give him the chance he deserves.” He stared back at me, thoughtfully, before slinging an arm around my shoulder.

“I think that you, officially picking to be here, will make it up to him. You don't have to be alone anymore Jessie.” I hope you’re right… I sighed, not bothering to say it out loud, as I allowed him to lead me down the hallway. “Well now that you‘re all settled in… I’m gonna head home.” He said as we stopped walking. He gave me a one armed-hug, kissing my temple before he left; leaving me standing outside of the locker-room.
I could hear them on the other side; laughing, shouting, carrying-on. Oblivious to the fact that I was about to come through the door. I wondered how many of them knew the Penguins had offered me the internship, how many of them would really believe I was here?

My heart was hammering in my chest so hard that I could feel it in my throat. I took some deep breaths, trying to calm my erratic breathing as I wiped my clammy hands off on my jeans. Just reach out and open it… I thought; willing myself to push the door open. You can’t stand here forever Jespin!
I closed my eyes and leaned up against the door, taking one last breath before gently pushing my body forward.

I opened my eyes as I took my first step into the room; only catching the attention of one person. “Holy shit!” I grimaced as Mike flung himself across the room at me. He scooped me up in his arms and hugged the air out of me. “I thought you were moving back to Pittsburgh!?”

“Can’t breath!” I groaned, causing him to laugh as he loosened his grip, just enough for me to draw a breath.

“This is crazy! I was talking to Alex yesterday and he said you weren’t coming back…”

“Well, I haven’t really told him yet…” I trailed off, not really wanting to have this discussion in a room full of people - all of which were staring at me. I took the opportunity to glance around; Alex wasn’t there.

“He didn’t show up today.” Nick said expectantly as he came to stand beside us. I nodded in response, trying to look like I understood the tone of his statement. The rest of the team was still staring at me; half-smiling, half waiting for me to say something.

"I was just about to go get him but..." Mike said, smiling as he trailed off.

I knew that I should just leave Alex alone, if he wasn’t at practice then he was probably wasn't in any mood to deal with me. Besides, my place was at the arena, doing my job; but I didn‘t think I‘d be able to get through an entire day without talking to him. “I’ll see you guys later on…” I began, trying to figure out a way to get out without drawing attention to where I was heading.

“No explanation needed… tell Ovie we said hi.” Semi laughed from his stall, causing me to blush slightly as I dashed out the door.

I had no idea what I was going to say to him, what could I say to him? ‘Sorry’, seemed like a good place to start as any, but that would hardly be enough. And was this even the right thing to do? Sure, he had seemed upset when he left my house at the start of August, but it was the middle of September now; boys change their minds all the time. Why would now be any different?

I had been guiltily watching the fan sights for any information on who - if anyone - he was seeing; according to the internet, he was single. That didn’t necessarily mean that he wanted to be with me though…
I should have ran after him - again - once I saw the whole ’attack on Oksana’ thing, but I was still too chicken to do that.

It might have been along the lines of the same thing; their hate for her and their hate for me. There was one major difference though… Oksana was the prettiest girl I had ever seen; and I was ‘plain Jane’ at best. Maybe if I had of been prettier, maybe if I looked like the ideal 'hockey wife', I'd have felt differently about it. It was too late to think about that, I had to stop reliving it in my head.

I pulled up outside Alex’s house. I got out of my car and ran up the walk; hoping that he was still here, and alone.
I took a deep breath, reaching out to knock on the door.

His voice melted me instantly, even if he had just called me ‘man’, and had no idea who I was.
I shoved the door open anyway, catching sight of him as he headed up the stairs, dashing off towards his room. I sighed, stood awkwardly in the foyer, waiting.

I was standing there a few minutes before he came back down, smiling to himself as he went into the kitchen. He appeared a second later, swinging his keys around his finger.
I bit my lip when our eyes met; the smile fading off his face. “Jes?” He asked slowly, hesitantly as he froze in the foyer.
I nodded, forcing a smile onto my face as he took a timid step towards me. “You’re here…?” He said quietly, something between a question and a statement, like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. I nodded. “You came back for me?”
I nodded again, biting the inside of my cheek as tears began to well up in my eyes.

“I’m sorry… maybe this was a bad-” He held up a hand, cutting me off as he closed the gap between us, in three long strides.

He stared at me, long and hard for a few agonizing moments. I wanted to say something else, but I couldn’t bring words to form on my lips as I gazed up into his clear blue eyes. “What does this mean?” He finally asked, ending the silence that was crushing in around us.

“I don’t know…” I answered honestly, trying to sound as unemotional as possible; I wanted to talk to him, not cry like a baby. I looked away from him, not trusting my voice, or my emotional resolve. When he didn’t say anything, I kept going. “I decided that I wanted to stay in Washington… even if you don’t want me- I mean, even if things aren’t the same between us, this is my home now. This is where I’m suppose to be.”

“That might be the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard…” He said harshly, causing me to glance up at him again...

#60 - The Final Realization

2010-01-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

Dusk and Summer - Dashboard Confessional
(Ok… a guy made this video for his gf (who is living with Crohn’s Disease) and I think it’s the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen…)

“So… for whatever reason, you’re father didn’t tell you this… but, we want to offer you a full ride scholarship to Penn State. That includes an internship with the Penguins and a guarantee job signing at the end, if you’re interested that is?” I could hardly believe my ears.

I had sent in my application to the Penguins when things had gone downhill with Alex; not actually hoping for anything, other than some kind of plan B for next year. I wasn’t sure whether or not I would be able to spend everyday at the Verizon Center and not hurt when I saw him; I wasn’t sure if he even wanted me back there.
Maybe he’d be uncomfortable with an ex-girlfriend working with him. Or maybe he wouldn’t care at all… I wasn’t sure which would be worse.

I stared at Jack, the Pen’s head medical trainer, as he smiled at me warmly. “Umm… wow. I honestly didn’t think that I’d hear anything back from this. I mean, I know that sounds silly since my dad owns the team but… you guys are so… picky.”

He laughed loudly and nodded. “Regardless of your parentage Jespin, you did excellent in your first year of University and I’m positive you’re going to do fantastic here.
You can even live at home, I’m sure your father will love that.”

“I bet.” I chuckled, rolling my eyes as I thought about how happy dad would be if I came home; and then it struck me. If there was a chance for me to come home, why wouldn’t dad have told me this himself?

“So what do you think Jes? Do the Pens have a new head intern?”

“Head internet?!”

“Well yah, you’ve already served one year as an intern and you’d be the only second year student we’d have on staff. It’s just a formality really, you can show some of the other interns around, help them out with questions or concerns… it’s not a big deal.”

I raised my eye brows as I nodded slowly. “Alright… yah. Sure… that sounds great. Penguins here I come!” I giggled, raising my fist in a mock-celebration.

“Fantastic. Now, it won’t be official till September but, I look forward to working with you.” I grinned back as he shook my hand. Excusing himself back out the front door.
I shut it behind him and sighed lightly as I heard someone descending the stairs.

I turned around just as dad reached the landing. “So… guess who’s moving home?” I grinned, excited to see his reaction.
It was less then expected.

“Why?” He asked, gazing at me intently. “I mean, not that I’m not happy but… why? I thought you loved Washington?”

“I do but… this might be nice. Being home and getting to see everyone all the time again. Plus I’ll get to hang out with the guys again… that’ll be nice.”

He nodded slowly, his eyes zoning out for a few seconds before he focused back on me. “Yah… sounds nice…”

“Well, that’s fantastic Jes, you should be really happy… the Pens are lucky to have you.” Alex said as I sat in my room; my cell phone clutched tightly against my ear. I smiled to myself as he praised me, his mouth full of whatever it was men ate, when there was no one to cook for them. “I’m sure some of the boys will miss you though…”

“Oh well, just means more fresh meat for everyone.” I laughed along with him - even though I could feel a sinking feeling in my stomach at the thought.

I heard him sigh on the other end of the line, as we both feel into an uncomfortable silence. It was the first of it’s kind, and I didn’t like it. It was unexplainable and it hurt; a lot.
Did this mean that we had nothing left to say to each other? Or was there a distant barrier there now? Both thoughts were horrible ones.
I didn’t want to be done with Alex, not ever, even if we were technically ’done’. Break-up with someone is one thing, imagining your life without them is even more foreign.

“So… talk to Sana lately?” He asked suddenly, causing me to bite my lip in confusion.

I shook my head to myself before answering; trying to remember the last time in my head. “No, it’s been a week or more… why?”

“Oh, just more shit in the media about her… I honestly don’t know how she does it. What is it about her that people hate so much?” He asked absently, as I began to search the web.
Sure enough a few seconds later some sites popped up, and I just shook my head; angry.

“I think it’s the fact that she looks like Malkin cut her out of a magazine… and he’s well…”

“And he’s ugly! He gives Russians a bad name… so lucky I’m hear to pick it up.”

“Yes… he should be very pleased…” I responded, rolling my eyes and trying to hide the sarcasm in my voice.
Someone knocked at my door, causing me to jump. “Oh, hold on, someone’s here.”

“No worries, I should go anywhere. I’ll talk to you sometime soon, alright?”

“Sounds good, night.”

“Night.” He hung up and I put the phone down, turning around as Sidney pushed the door open.

“Busy?” He asked quietly, and I shook my head, motioning for him to come in. “You’re staying here?” he asked, grinning as he crossed the room towards me. I stared up at him, not bothering to stand up as he stopped in front of me. He watched me intently, until I was sure he was going to kiss me.
It was a frightening thought, I wasn’t staying here for him… surely he had to see that?

“Umm… see this stuff about Oksana?” I asked, trying to divert his attention from me.

Sidney nodded, finally pulling his eyes away from me to glance at the computer screen. “Yah… annoying as shit. I feel bad for her… she can’t catch a break that girl.”

“She doesn’t even do anything to deserve it…”

He nodded his head in agreement. “Nope but, you know… people hate the people that have the things they want. Especially girls, girls suck.”

I chuckled quietly as he leaned away from me. “Well anyway… I have to get going… I’m heading to Flower’s but, I just wanted to say that I’m really happy you’re staying here Jes.
It just feels right.”

I nodded as he patted my shoulder before turning around and heading for the door. I turned back to the screen and scrolled down; the whole situation was eerily familiar, but different.
They were saying the same things about Oksana that they said about me; only they were calling her a gold-digger on top of it. The only real difference was, Oksana was none of the things that she said.
She wasn’t ugly, she wasn’t horrible and she wasn’t a bitch. Besides, Geno loved her and she loved him, why wouldn’t that be enough for Geno’s so-called-fans?

I gasped, throwing my hands up to my mouth as realization poured over me. “I’m such a fucking idiot!” I moaned, sliding my hands over my face and taking a deep breath.
Everything they said about her, they said about me too. I couldn’t believe that people would say things like that if they weren’t true, but they did; here was my proof.
If they could lie about her, they could lie about me too.

They lied about me too, but I was too late to do anything about it. Why couldn’t I have made this realization before everything had been finalized with Alex?
Why couldn’t I have accepted everything that everyone said to me as true, and ignored the faceless people on the internet?

God I was stupid. Now everything was ruined, and there was nothing I could do about it. Alex was done, and I had to accept that.

I sighed, closing my lap top and heading over to my bed; I’d give anything to return to the blissful ignorance I had felt only moments before.

Anything.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My Wish - Rascal Flatts

I sighed as I hung up and flicked through my computer screen. I shook my head as more pictures of Sana and Geno popped up.
It was retarded the way people attacked her constantly; it was almost more brutal than the things they said about Jespin.

Of course, it didn’t bother Oksana. Not because she was immune or because she was conceited; she had Geno’s love, and that was all she needed. She knew that he loved her beyond anything, so why would she listen to other people?

And there it was, all of my problems in a nutshell. Geno loved Oksana, and most importantly, she knew it.
Would that have changed anything? It wasn’t like she didn’t know that I loved her. It was obvious. If I didn’t love her then I never would have spent all that time with her, told her how awesome she was; were those three words really so important when I acted on it everyday?

Maybe I should tell her, maybe it would change her mind? Maybe I needed to stop being such a coward and just call her back, apologise to her and make everything ok.
If I told her I loved her, would that fix it all? Could it really be that simple?

I was a coward when it came to that, otherwise, I would have told her a long time ago. But could I tell her now? I wanted to, I wanted to call her right now and tell her everything…

No. I can’t, she’s in Pittsburgh, I can’t mess her life up anymore… I need to let her go. She was moved on with her life, happy with it, and the decision had been made.
How selfish of me would it be if I ruined all of that? I had no right to make her feel guilty about moving forward.

God, how did I let this happen? How is it possible that I had the whole world in my arms, and was still too afraid to tell her something so simple; something so right.
I could tell her about Sergei, but I still couldn’t tell her that I loved her - I could tell her the worst about me, but not the best.
It made no sense, but it was the only thing that I could do. I couldn’t chase her down, I had to let her go; if I really loved her, it was time to prove it.

There was no more being selfish and putting myself first; I had to let her live her own life… and hope that she had all the happiness in the world.

I had to let her go.

#59 - Lost And Found

2010-01-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hey all! Just wanted to say that the post that is 'technically' #61... is The End of this story.
There's an epilogue afterwards, and I believe that that's due up on the 20th.
That will be the complete end to this story... /sob. I can't believe it's actually almost over!!

My Little Girl - Tim McGraw

“Umm… what?” Alex asked slowly as he followed me up the stairs, towards my office.

I shrugged, trying to be as nonchalant as possible. “I guess I just assumed you’d be coming here to see me one day, for one reason or another.” I explained, closing the office door behind me as he took the seat in front of the desk.

His face contorted in confusion as I flopped down across from him, into my large desk chair. “I don’t mean to sound rude… but I didn’t come here to talk to you… I came here to see Jespin.”

I chuckled lightly. “I know you’re here to talk to her… but I also know that you love her. I also know that you want to be with her and… I know you’re a semi-traditional guy.” He tilted his head in acknowledgement, still not sure where I was trying to go. “I remember how awful it was the day I went to Nat’s house to ask her dad if I could marry her… he, of course, had to make it difficult but… that’s apparently a hereditary thing.” I laughed, glancing down at the wedding photo on my desk.
I looked back up at Alex, he looked terrified. “I’m not saying that you’re here right now to ask me that…” I backtracked quickly. “I know you’re here to win her back. I just thought it might help you to know that… I give you my blessing.”

He laughed lightly, his eyes lighting up as he caught sight of a small picture of Jespin in front of him; pig-tails, popsicle moustache and freckles - grinning broadly with missing teeth.
We sat in silence a few moments, both of us looking at the photos around the room. I saw pictures of a little girl that had grown up too fast - but beautifully. He saw the woman he loved, back when she was still mine. “I don’t think that that’s ever going to happen but… why? Why would you want her with me?”

“I could give you a list of reasons if you want me to. You’re smart, you’re financially stable, you’re part of the world that she grew up in… I could continue but… there’s no point. None of that matters.
I’m giving you my support and my blessing, because my daughter loves you. She’s lost when she’s without you, and when she’s with you… she finds herself again. You make her happy and… she deserves all the happiness in the world.”

He continued to look around the room, drinking in the family pictures, before speaking again. “You know, it would have been easier to just tell everyone I was a mistake… that it was just poor judgement; that I manipulated her.”

I nodded in agreement, he had no idea how right he was. “Absolutely. Who would that serve though? Jespin doesn’t think you were a mistake and I don’t believe you manipulated her.
No matter what we said, there would have been a group of people with something to say about it.
We told the truth, because you didn’t do anything to deserve less than that. Besides, Jespin would never have allowed it.”

He nodded slowly, thoughtfully. “She won’t take me back though… I want her to but, she won’t.
It’s like… anything I ever said to her… none of it mattered. As soon as shit hit the fan she was gone; she stopped listening to me and believed all of their lies-”

“It’s a hard thing to go through.” I said quietly, cutting him off. “She might be my daughter, and she might have lived in the hockey world her whole life, but she was never involved in any of this.
You have no connection to me either; I’m a famous Canadian hockey player, not a Russian one. If I was, then maybe this would have been easy for you both… the same way it would have been easy for her and Sidney.”

I could tell by the way his shoulders slumped, that the idea wasn’t a pleasant one. He didn’t argue though; he knew I was right. “What do I do?” He asked finally, softly.

“You have to tell her… tell her everything. Then let her decided what she’s going to do about it.” He gulped audibly, something that caught me off guard. He looked ashamed - guilty - like I had brought up something private. It didn’t make sense though.
I had told Alex that I already knew he was in love with here, there was no reason for him to be ashamed about it; unless he really was that afraid to say it to her.

I waited for him to say something else, but he never spoke. Finally, I stood up and walked towards the door, opening it. “She’s in her room… down the hall, third door on the-” I stopped talking, shaking my head as a thought just occurred to me. Alex stood up too, looking confused as I continued to laugh. “I guess I should have realized that you already know where it is.”
I managed to choke out as I shook my head, slightly embarrassed as he walked by. He was blushing, and it looked like he wanted to say something apologetic, but I waved his concern away.
I had been young once too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Find Me - Boyce Avenue
(Yes, I did use this song on a Mr. Serious update… but really… can you blame me for re-using it? lol)

I was lying on my bed when someone pushed the door open. Rolling over I expected to see little Natalie, or Austin, or both; it was neither. “Alex?” I said slowly, pushing myself up onto my elbows to stare at him as he closed the door behind him.
He tilted his head, watching me as his face coloured slightly. I blushed too, pushing myself into a sitting position as I remembered what had happened in this room the last time he was here.
He moved towards me and sat on the bottom of my bed, never taking his eyes away from me as we stared at each other; found.

I wanted to say something smart. Something witty, or romantic, or perfect; but I just stared at him, wondering if he was really here. “There’s something I need to tell you…” He said slowly, finally pulling his eyes away from me. “You’re not going to like it, but, I have to tell you. It’s only fair that you know what I’ve done.”
I nodded slowly as he glanced back at me; my face a mask of terror and fear.
“I killed him Jespin.” Was all he said, it was all he had to say.

I knew who he meant, but I didn’t know what he meant. Sergei had been killed in a car-crash; an accident that had occurred because of ice, not because of Alex.
Not to mention Alex had been nine or ten at the time, there was no way he could have actually had anything to do with the death of his brother.
It didn’t matter though, the explanations would come later.

I watched Alex’s head slump forward, only to be caught in his hands as his body began to shake slightly with pain and hurt.
I reached out, crawling towards him and wrapping my arms around his shoulders as I buried my face into his neck. “It’s ok Alex… it’s ok.” I breathed, as his pulled his hands away from his face. He laid his head down, gently, on top of mine as his arms snaked around me; hugging me to him.

I moved around until I was sitting on his lap, still clutching onto him. I tugged on him gently, bringing him back onto the bed with me; our body’s intertwining together - his gaze bearing into me.

“It wasn’t your fault.” I said quietly, but firmly, once his emotions were back under control.

He shook his head slightly, his fingers tracing my face as he spoke. “You don’t know… you don’t understand. He…” He took a deep breath, forcing the word out. “… Sergei… he gave me everything and I took everything from him.”

“Alex, you were just a kid-”

“Just a spoiled, selfish kid. He told me to walk Jespin… he said that he was tired and that the roads were bad… he didn’t want to drive.
He was a wrestler, and he had a meet in the morning… he just wanted to stay home and go to sleep early, not wait up and go out to get me.” He breathed deeply, tears dropping from his eyes. “He told me to walk. The rink was only fifteen minutes away.
It wasn’t even that cold out… I just didn’t want to walk. I wanted him to come get me because… because… I don’t even know. I just… I didn’t mean for it to happen.
It wasn’t suppose to happen Jespin, it was only a short drive.”

“Alex, it’s not-”

“And you know what? You know what I did when he didn’t come? I got mad and I cursed him… I started walking home and I said when I got home I was gonna yell at him for not coming to get me. I was gonna tell him that I hated him.
I had it all planned out in my head… and then I saw it. I saw the car. I saw the ambulance and the police… the fire trucks.
And then I knew. I didn’t need to see him to know he was dead… I just knew.” I shook my head slowly as he fought to draw a break, trying to find some way to talk him down. “I just knew he was dead… just like I knew it was my fault.”

“Alex, things happen, ok? Bad things happen to good people, and I know that that doesn’t make it up to you, that doesn’t make it better… but this wasn’t your fault.
You didn’t want him to die… it was an accident and you can’t keep blaming yourself for something that you didn’t do…” I said, half-begging him to believe me; to believe the truth.

He shook his head, defiantly. “He wouldn’t have been out if it wasn’t for me. Jespin, Sergei was the greatest brother ever… the greatest son ever. He did everything right.
He didn’t get into trouble, he didn’t do bad things… he was always there for me, for my parents… he wouldn’t have been out that night if it wasn’t for me.
And if hadn’t of been out that night… he’d still be here.”

I shook my head, my own tears welling up in my eyes. “I don’t know how to convince you that this wasn’t your fault Alex… but it’s not. You’re not a bad person, you’re good… you’re so, so good and you need to see that.
You need to see that.
And you don’t know… you don’t know that he’d still be here, you can’t live your life with ’what ifs’ Alex. My dad told me that… and he’s a pretty smart guy.” I said, giving him a small smile as he nodded at me.

“I should go… I just… I needed you to know. You deserved to hear the truth and… I should just go.” He said suddenly, moving to get up. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before… well… I should have told you before we were together, so you could have had the time to change your mind.”

“Change my mind? What in god’s name are you talking about?” I asked incredulity. “Alex, this doesn’t make me think about you any differently… I don’t think you’re bad now.
I mean, this explains a bit… like… why you’re so reckless. You blame yourself and you don’t feel like your worth of anything good… but that’s not true.”

“… you don’t think I’m a monster?” He asked quietly, causing me to grimace with sadness.

“Of course I don’t think you’re a monster… I could never think that of you.” I said back just as quietly; pushing myself off the bed to stand before him. “This isn’t your burden to bear Alex, let it go. Sergei wouldn’t want to know that you’re living with all this guilt.
If you can’t, if you can’t just drop this weight; then let me help you with it. Or if it’s confirmation that you need, or forgiveness that you still need, then take mine.
Alex, I forgive you everything, and blame you nothing.”

“Promise?” He asked, the word so low it was hardly audible.

I nodded, smiling through the tears that were still cascading down my cheeks. “I swear it.”
He smiled at me then, completely; his body relaxing as if a visible restraint had been removed off of him. Nodding, he took my face in his hands.
“Is there… anything else… that you needed to tell me?” I said softly, my body tensing as I prayed that this break through might lead to another one.

He didn’t move, his eyes searching intently into mine as I waited. Alex opened his mouth to say something as his phone went off.
We both stepped back, as if we had been caught doing something inappropriate by a physical person. “Hello? No… I’m in Pittsburgh… Yah… No… oh- yah well fuck you too Greener.” He sighed, flipping his phone shut and stowing it away in his pocket. “Sorry… I should get going but… I’ll… umm… I’ll give you a shout, ok?”

I nodded, trying to hide the disappointment on my face. I was so close to thinking that I had what I needed. I was so close to believing that he was going to say those three little words. “Drive safe.” I said at last.

He nodded, grabbing for my left hand. He pulled it up and gently kissed my fingers. “Ya lyublyu tebya, Jespin…”

I snorted, rolling my eyes at his conversational use of Russian. “Goodbye Alex, I’ll talk to you soon.”

#58 - Long Time Coming

2010-01-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

Don’t Matter - Akon(Cover)

At times, the hate-on for me was too much to handle; the love for Masha was consistently unbearable. I couldn’t understand why I was doing this to myself; I had admitted that I was going to move on, but once again I was at my desk, unable to take my eyes off the computer screen.
It was like a horrible accident - you didn’t wanna see the blood and gore, but - you couldn’t look away.

If I had of actually sat down and listed all the reasons why Masha was better for Alex than I was, I wouldn’t have been able to come up with this many things.
Some sights said that they were back together, some said they were on a break, some said they were over. Regardless of what their relationship status was, it was blatantly obvious that the world liked her more than me.
At some point, the entire planet had decided that I was a worthless whore, and Masha was the princess of ’perfect-wonderful land’.

The funny thing was; the Pittsburgh Penguin sites were the worse; I was simply referred to as ’Traitor’ or ’The Traitor’.
And although no one was wondering why Sidney was - as far as they were concerned - ’dating’ me, they were still horrible in new ways.
I might not have lived up to the physical expectations of what an NHL player’s girlfriend should look like, but now that I was being pictured with Sidney; it didn’t matter. I was Mario Lemieux’s daughter, so now, I was at least good enough.

I sighed as I finally closed my laptop, spinning around in the computer chair and pushing myself onto my feet. I headed towards my door, pulling it open and coming up short; almost bumping into my dad. “Oh hey! Sorry… heading out?”

“Umm… no. Why?” I asked slowly, wondering why he was up here. Dad was suppose to be spending a lot of time this week with some of the scouts, figuring out who was going to be getting called up or re-evaluated before training camp.

“Could we talk for a second?” I nodded slowly as I moved aside, allowing him to enter my room. He walked in, taking the seat that I had just evacuated.

“So… what’s up?” I bit my lip as I glanced down, noticing for the first time that he had a magazine rolled up under his arm. I flopped down onto my bed, sitting on the edge and waiting.

He exhaled slowly and cleared his throat as I he pulled the magazine out, spreading it flat on his lap. He glanced at the cover and shook his head before opening it and flipping through some pages. “Jespin.” He started, sounded very severe and grave.
I shifted as his gaze moved to me, causing me to feel very much like a child again. “How much have you been reading about yourself?”

I furrowed my brow, slightly confused. “What do you mean?”

“I guess a better question is… how much are you listening to?” I shook my head slowly, still not following. “You’re not a traitor, Jespin. You’re not a bad person, you’re not worthless and you’re not, well, you’re not every other thing they’ve said.”
I wanted to nod in agreement, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it, I just looked down; adverting my eyes.
“Jespin…” Dad sighed, getting up and coming to sit beside me on my bed. “These people don’t know you. The things that they say are-”

“Please don’t. I know that they don’t know me, but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with…”

“Well, who matters to you more, me or them?” He asked seriously, holding the magazine up in front of him.

“You.”

“Then why do you believe this…?” He asked, flashing the headline ‘Ovechkin’s Downfall’, at me as he did so. “… instead of me? Jespin, I can’t imagine how hard this is on you. They said awful things about your mother when she married me too, of course, it wasn’t quiet so widespread or severe, but… you’re not the first person to deal with this.
They’re saying that you’re the reason the Capitals lost the Stanley cup, now, I know that Alex is a big part of that team; but do you really think you’re choices are monumental enough, that they can take down an entire organization?”

“No, but I did have a part in it. Alex is the whole team and it was my fault that he played so horribly…” I said, closing my eyes as the images of that night came back to me.

“So… if it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then by the same logic, it’s thanks to you that the Penguins won…” He concluded, giving me a fatherly smile.

“… no, that doesn’t make any sense. The Pens won because they’re a great team and they played their hearts out.” I said incredulity, surprised he would even joke about that.

He nodded slowly as his grin grew. “You’re running yourself down Jespin. You believe every single bad thing that these people say, but believe none of the good.
If you think it’s your fault that the Capitals lost, then it’s thanks to you we won. If you don’t believe you had a hand in the victory… then how can you say you had a hand in the defeat?” I sighed loudly, looking away from him as I thought about everything he was saying.
“Jessie… I love you, but you don’t have that kind of sway over an entire hockey team… the things that happened, happened because of a lot of things - not because of one person.”

“Ok… so it’s not my fault they lost, happy?” I asked at length. He snorted in response.

“I didn’t come in here to just talk about hockey. I came here because I’m your father and I love you… and it is with the utmost love and respect that I tell you… you’re being a complete idiot.”

There was a moment of silence as my head snapped back up and I stared at my dad. He didn’t look angry or disappointed, but he also didn’t look like he was joking. “Umm… what?”

“I’m sorry if I just don’t follow, and I said I was going to stay out of this but… I’ve been watching you the past little bit and I just can’t continue on this path.
You left Alex, so I assumed that was over… even if you were still hurting from it, I assumed things would get better.
Then you started seeing Sidney and even though I wasn’t sure it would work out, I at least thought that you were trying to be happy.
And then I realized that you weren’t trying to be happy, you were trying to make everyone else happy.
I watched you throw away the boy you loved, because other people didn’t believe you deserved him, because you didn’t believe that you deserved him. Then you went into a relationship because you thought it was what people wanted you to do. You need to cut this shit out.” He finished, leaving my mouth gaping. “You can’t live the rest of your life according to what other people want Jespin, that’s not how you have a happy life.
As horrible as it might sound, you need to look out for yourself first. Even more than that Jes… you‘re not getting better, every day you get worse.”

“It’s not that easy dad-”

“What do you want? Forget about everyone else and answer honestly… between you and me… what do you want?”

I tilted my head back and glanced at the ceiling as I slowly drew in a breath. I blinked my eyes rapidly, trying to stop the tears from the falling. “Him.” I answered finally, through the lump of emotion that was thick in my throat. “I want to be with him.”

“Then that’s all that matters.”

“He’s done with me dad…” I sobbed as he put his arm around my shoulders and hugged me to them. “It doesn’t matter what I want because I already screwed everything up so much…”

“You don’t know that Jes… why don’t you call him?”

“What about everything that would happen if it did work out? We just went through a press conference to try and push everything under the rug… I can’t do that again.”

“Jespin, the media is my specialty, you leave that to me. I need you to look after yourself first.”

I took a deep breath, trying to calm myself as I nodded slowly. “I don’t even know what he’s doing dad.” I said, bringing the conversation back to Alex. “For all I know, he’s not even thinking about me anymore.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

God Loves Her - Toby Keith

I couldn’t get her out of my mind. As I drove towards her house, it was all I could do to try and stay below 100mph; the last thing I needed was to get pulled over. I banged my hands on the wheel as I drove through streets that were only slightly familiar.
I glanced over into the passenger seat, at the directions that Keisha had given me over the phone. Sighing, I realized I was getting closer.
I was torn. I wanted to see her so badly, tell her the truth about me, about my past, and my feelings for her; but I was also afraid. I wasn’t sure how she would react.
I knew that it shouldn’t matter, this should be easy. We weren’t together so her reaction shouldn’t effect me; but it did, and it would.

As I pulled up in her driveway and pulled the car into park; a sudden idea came over me. What would her family do?
I had never met her mother, or her siblings. I was coming her uninvited; uninvited into the home that Sidney Crosby lives in. I was out of my fucking mind.
Taking a deep breath I pushed open the door, there was nothing else to do now but go in.

I headed up the walkway, praying that she would be the only one home, or - at the very least - that she would be the one to answer the door.
I knocked timidly, but loudly, and only had to wait a few seconds before I heard someone jogging down the stairs.
Taking another deep breath, I willed myself to stand tall and show no fear; not even if Crosby opened the door.

When the door latch clicked and the door was pulled open, I gazed into the empty room. Completely confused I looked down, to see a small girl standing in front of me. “Umm… is Jespin here?”

She continued to stare at me, her head tilted completely backwards as she watched me; her blond pigtails falling down behind her. “Who’s there Natalie?” A man yelled from somewhere in the house.

“I didn’t get it! I thought you were getting it!” A woman’s voice answered back, as the tiny blond girl continued to watch me.

“Not you Nat! Little Natalie… when do I ever call you Natalie?” I suppressed a snort, shaking my head as I listened to Jespin’s parents banter back and forth.

“Well are you gonna get it?” The woman finally called out, and I heard Mario let out a groan, his feet soon thumping down the stairs.

“I was up on the second floor! You’re ten feet away!” He complained loudly, “… lazy old-” He began to say, coming to a halt once he made eye contact with me. I opened my mouth to say something, but shut it quickly.
Mario came forward, gently shooing the little girl away. “Go find Austin.” He said, nodding at her to take off.
She dashed away, giggling as he turned his attention back to me. “Sergei’s been busy with the baby and whatnot so… my wife’s been baby-sitting his oldest.” He explained. “Well, if you call that babysitting…” He laughed as I woman came around the corner; smelling strongly of nail-polish and fanning her hands out in front of her.
“Well.” He said finally, motioning for me to come in. “What took you so long?”

#57 - New Opinions

2010-01-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

Separated - Usher

“How are you getting along?” Mario asked as he came up behind me. I shrugged my shoulders, gripping the bike handles tightly as I forced my legs to move faster. “Sidney… torturing yourself isn’t going to solve anything. You hate the bike…”
He sighed when I didn’t answer him, moving until he was standing in front of me. I reluctantly slowed down to a more manageable pace, glancing up at him. “Let’s go for a walk.”

I exhaled loudly, gradually slow down to a stop before I said anything. “Why?” I asked quickly as I shoved myself off the small black seat, grabbing for a towel.

“Because you need to get out of the house… let’s go play pool.”

“There’s a pool table in the rec hall… and one in the kid’s room. Why don’t we just stay here?” I grumbled, following him out of the home gym.

He snorted, turning around and shooting me a mischievous grin. “Because I said so… and I’m older, smarter, and much more talented than you… not to mention better looking…” He answered, causing me to shake my head as I headed for my room, planning on hopping in the shower.

We played two games of pool before he started to talk to me; or at me rather. As much as I hated listening to Mario when it came to personal things, he was always right, so it would be a waste of my time to ignore him.
It just sucked being around someone who was so sure of everything, someone who had it all figured out and pulled together; I told him that too. “Sidney…” He laughed, shaking his head as he started racking the balls. “I do not have everything figured out and I hardly have my life pulled together. I just know more things about relationships than you… I have been with Nat since before you were born; I managed to pick up a few things over time.”

I nodded, grudgingly, wondering what ‘things’ he was going to share with me. “So… what do you need to tell me, oh wise one?” I quipped, lining up a shot.

He sighed, leaning on the pool cue. “I know it’s cliché, but relationships are something you need to work at Sidney, if you want them to work that is. Nat and I have had our share of problems… if neither one of us wanted to be here whole-heartedly, do you really think we’d still be together?” He asked, staring at me hard as I finally glance up at him. “If you and Jespin got together, then yes… you’d be happy, for now. But I know my daughter Sidney, she’s a steady kind of girl, she doesn’t change her mind easily, if ever.
Unfortunately she got that from me; and I apologise for that… but there’s not a whole lot I can do about it now.”

I knew there was no point arguing with him. He was right, and it wasn’t like changing his mind would change the truth; but I couldn’t help it. “I would have made her happy Mario, I could have, but she never really gave me a chance.”

“Exactly Sidney, that’s what I’m trying to say. She won’t ever give you a chance because of the fact that she doesn’t chance her mind. She wants him.
And even if she never has him again, she’s always going to have those feelings. Of course I’m going to speak highly of my daughter, but I think she’s doing the right thing here. It’s not fair to either one of you to continue in a relationship like this… think about it.
Maybe it’d last for a little while but at some point - one, five, ten years down the road - it’d fall apart, and you’d both be worse off. You can’t pull a relationships out of ’could haves’ and ’what ifs’, it doesn’t work like that.

We continued our game in silence. I could tell that he had more he wanted to say, but he didn’t want to push me. “It still doesn’t seem fair.” I said at length. “I end up alone, she ends up alone and he just goes on with his life… unaffected.” I complained, glancing up at Mario.

He shook his head slowly, the glimmer of a secret in his eyes. “I wouldn’t say that he’s unaffected Sidney. You can’t know that… for all we know, he’s going through the same thing she is.
Jespin, for some reason, has a hard time believing that she deserves certain things. Even though she had what she wanted, she just can’t seem to accept that someone could want to be with her - someone that she wants to be with.” He added quickly at the end, catching sight of the look on my face. “She’s always had that masochistic side to her…” He added softly, staring off into space.

I had no idea what he was thinking about, but I was sure I didn’t want to know. I especially didn’t want to feel bad for Ovechkin. The thought of him sitting all high and mighty somewhere in Russia fitted in nicely with my ’blame Ovechkin for everything’ mindset. I wouldn’t want to consider him a victim.
Even if Jespin ended things with him, I was positive that he was unaffected, regardless of what Mario thought he knew.

If anyone knew how self-serving he was, it was me. I was the one that had been compared to him since World Juniors. I was the one that had to watch him sweep the awards shows and push me out of the leader board.
It wasn’t that I thought I deserved to be at the top; after all, when Geno did better than me, I didn’t think ill thoughts of him. Same with Thornton and all the other great players in the league.
It was Ovechkin, and the fact that he didn’t seem to give a shit about anything. He played with reckless abandonment - like he was untouchable - not giving a shit about who he hurt or who he had to push out of his way; this time he‘d gone to far though. He took his style out of the game, and put it to work in the real-world; resulting in the situation we were in now. Some how, I was gonna find a way to pay him back for what he’d done to Jes - for being such a dirt bag.

I could still remember his hit on Gonch in the play offs; I didn’t care what anyone said, it was dirty, just like him. It was no less than what I would ever expect though.
No, Mario might fully believe that he was suffering too, but I wasn’t going to fall for it. Maybe he had tricked Jes into thinking he was a good person; but he had allowed her to walk away, knowing that she wanted him.

I knew what I would do in his position; I knew what I would do if Jespin loved me and she was planning on leaving.
I’d follow her for as long as I had to, in order to make her understand.
No, I’d believe Ovechkin wasn’t a conceited, selfish bastard, if he ever got off his high hoarse and came for her; until then, I was the only one with my head on straight.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Honey And The Moon - Joseph Arthur

I watched Sidney leaving out the front walk with my dad, neither of them talking as they climbed into Dad’s SUV; heading off for god knows where. I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I had done the right thing.
I would never be fully healed, but I was healing, even I couldn’t deny that. I might never ever recover completely, but at this point, wasn’t anything better than this?

Not only had I pushed Alex away, but now I had done the same thing to Sidney; the only difference was that now Sidney was in the same position as me. I had broken his heart the exact same way that my heart was breaking. “WHERE IS SHE!?” I heard someone scream from down below me as the front door flew open, pulling me out of my thoughts. I sighed as I heard Lauren run up the stairs, turning around, just as she busted through my door.
I walked across the room and flipped my laptop shut, the last thing I needed right now was for Lauren to see what people on the net were saying about me. She took a giant gasp of air before shouting; “Ovechkin?! Alex I-look-like-I-should-be-riding-a-fucking-brontosaurus Ovechkin?!”
I stood completely still, raising my eyebrows slightly as she glared at me. “ALEX OVECHKIN?! What are you thinking?! Have you lost your mind… well, clearly you have but… what the fuck happened?! Car accident? Fall down an elevator shaft?”

“Have fun in Fiji then?” I asked nonchalantly. When she didn’t responded I started trying to answer her questions. “Lauren, listen-”

“Oh yes… yes. Please do explain this to me because right now I’m at a complete loss as to when my sister became a complete RETARD! What the hell Jespin!?”

“Lauren… I love him.” I sighed as she snorted.

She flopped down on my bed, shaking her head as I moved to sit next to her. “I can’t believe you would do this to us Jes. To mom, dad, Sidney… me! Do you have any idea all the things that people are saying about us now? They’re laughing at us… and it’s your fault.”

“I thought you’d be happy.” I snapped, pushing myself away from her. “Just makes one less person trying to get Sidney, and seeing as how he didn’t notice you were alive even when I was gone…” I trailed off shrugging as she visible winced.

“Yah well… at least I’m not selfish enough to sell my own family out.” She spat back, getting up and moving across the room haughtily. We glared at each other for a moment before she reached for the handle.
I heard the door open and I moved over to the wall, glancing out the window. “Dad spent his whole life trying to get to where he is today… and you threw everything he ever did into the shitter. You say you did it because you’re so in love with Alex? If you’re so fucking in love with him then why aren’t you still with him?”

“Well, that could have been a lot worse… really…” Keisha said after I relayed my conversation with Lauren to her. “I’m serious!” She added when I stared at her incredulity. “Look, you said yourself that she’s kind of crazy uppity, and on top of that she’s in love with Sidney. The same Sidney that doesn’t pay attention to her because he’s lookin’ at you. I mean, think about it… she’d die to be in your position and as far as she’s concerned, you’re wasting an opportunity.”
I shifted uncomfortably as Keisha continued to flip through the TV channels. “She has a point though…” She added after a moment.

“What?” I asked, wondering if she was actually serious.

“If you love him so much… why aren’t you still with him?” She said slowly, causing me to turn and stare at her. She shrugged her shoulders, waiting for an answer.
There were a million things running through my head; headlines, forum names, hate clubs… I just rolled my eyes and climbed off my bed, returning a minute later with my laptop.

“Look…” I said slowly, clicking through a few pages before finding the one I’d been on before. “My dad said, that a lot of what people were saying, was probably just because they didn’t want to see Alex with a girlfriend. Does it look like these people care?” I asked, sliding the laptop over to her.
She took it and started reading,, only going a few lines down before stopping.

“Jes, these people are idiots, they don’t know anything about you… or her. You know what that Masha bitch is like. These are just crazy Russian fans that think as long as Alex is dating a Russian, that’s all that matters.
If people really knew… if they knew how you felt about him and how he felt about you; they’d want you to be with him.” She sighed, flipping the laptop shut again; the hateful words disappearing.

It had been a site, set up in support of anyone but me. They were saying how much better Masha was for Alex, then I could ever be; I was just some skanky American trust fund kid. How could I ever deserve the Russian ’king of hockey’. No, he was much better off with a Russian woman, someone that understood his culture… someone that wanted all the attention and drama that went with dating an NHL player. "Right, how he feels about me..."

"We've been through this too Jespin! You love him and he loves you! He's just one of those stupid guys that doesn't have the balls to say it. I've seen the way he looks at you Jes.
I've seen how his face lights up everytime you come around... that means something... it really, really does.
I would give anything to have a boy look at me, the way he looks at you."

I gave her a small grin, flopping back down onto my bed. Everything Keisha was saying, seemed logical and true; but there was no denying the hate-on everyone seemed to have for me. The hockey world was better off without my interference, and that included Alex.

#56 - Ally

2010-01-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Allow me to apologise for how choppy this update is. After rearranging some things, I was left with three little pieces of a story. I twisted them to make them fit together... please forgive the writing in this one lol.

What I Cannot Change - LeAnn Rimes
(Amazing video btw… if you don’t normally watch them, you should check this one out).

I hung up the phone, just as the sun started to pour in through the window of my room.
Keisha was beside me, sleeping soundly on my bed. I grinned as I laid my phone down on the bedside table; rolling over as I breathed a sigh of relief.
Just one phone call, just hearing his voice and being able to laugh along with him could change so much.

Of course I would have to deal with repercussions later. It was like the last day all over again; but now I would be left waiting, wondering when the next time I talked to him would be, and what kind of emotional state I would be in whenever it happened.

I allowed my mind to wander to Sidney, wondering what I was going to do… what could I do?
What do I do when I can’t change the world around me?

I didn’t want to be that girl anymore; the girl that used her friend as a safety net. It wasn’t fair to put him through this, to allow us to both look over the fact that this relationship was one of convenience and not love.
Maybe being alone would be the best thing for me. Maybe having to face the pain head on would help me move through it faster.

Anyone who’d lost their love knew that time doesn’t heal; not at all. But we do survive and we do move on. We get up each morning and know that even if we’re sitting in the gutter, when we look up, we can still see the stars.
Even if they’re farther away then before, they still exist, they’re still there.

Sidney would thank me for this, eventually. It was going to hurt at first, for both of us; but eventually he would have the opportunity to find someone that deserved him.
Someone that would be able to love him back, selflessly; someone that wouldn’t put him second.

So it was settled. Regardless of the fact that I would never have the person I wanted; I would no longer keep Sidney from his… even if he hadn’t found her yet.
Keisha sighed beside me and opened her eyes. “Off the phone finally?” She yawned, stretching her arms out above her head.

“Yah… just.” I grinned at her and she rolled her eyes.

“Back together now?”

I bit my lip and gave her a small smile. “No. We’re still done but… I did finally figure out what I’m gonna do about Sidney…”

“Oh?”

I nodded slowly. “I’m gonna tell him that I just can’t… it’s just not fair to either one of us. I can’t even do the physical stuff anymore. It needs to be done, he needs to find someone better.” I sighed, fluffing the pillow underneath me. “It’s gonna suck… a lot, not having him to take my mind off of it, but it has to be done. I know that I can't change the past, or alter the future... but I can do the right thing now. That has to count for something.”

“Well, you’re a lot more selfless than I would be. I’m here for you though… you know? I can stay as long as you need… or you can come back to Washington with me… either way, you don’t have to do this alone.”

“Thank Keisha…” I giggled, rolling onto my back. “It’s nice to know I have a true ally.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

It had taken me all of five minutes to realize that I needed to go back to the USA. I suppose that I had subconsciously been planning a trip back ever since I heard her voice on the phone a few weeks ago; but now it was real, decided.

I told Masha I was going back, not why, but I assumed she could tell. Whether or not she actually cared, I wasn’t sure.
She knew why Jespin left and I supposed she didn’t think that anything would be able to change her mind. I wasn’t sure either, I just knew that I had to try.
I couldn’t figure out my reasoning for going back, other than the fact that I had to do something, anything.

The guys were surprised to see me back; figuring that I wouldn’t show my face again, not after the awards. They probably assumed that I was going to hide in Russia until training camp - which wasn’t far off from my original plan.

“So when are you gonna go see her?” Greener asked I sat with some of the boys at a small diner. I shrugged.

“I don’t know why you don’t just go see her now.” Brooks suggested, using his fork to cut through the apple pie in front of him.

“Cause it’s almost two in the morning, for starters…” I retorted, taking another sip of coffee. “Besides, just because I’m here doesn’t mean that I’ve worked out what I’m going to say. I don’t even know what I’m trying to accomplish…”

Brooks snorted, causing Fed, Semi and Greener to glare at him. “What?” He spat, glaring back at them. “He flew all the way here from fucking Russia, and he expects me to believe that?” He shook his head, turning his attention to me. “You want her back. So don’t sit here and pretend that you don’t know what you’re going to do. Maybe you don’t have a plan, but you know perfectly well what you want to accomplish…”

“She’s got Crosby now, it’s not that simple.”

“You’ve never let Crosby stop you before… not on the ice anyway. Now, unless you turn into some kind of pussy when you’re out of uniform, I don’t see why he’d stop you now.” He was being harsh and brutally honest, but I couldn’t deny his words.
Really, if I went and talked to her, it wasn’t like I’d screw things up worse. Crosby would probably hate me more, and she might tell me to leave - but I’d come to far to just sit here sulking.

“Brooks…” Greener started, about to tell him off for being a dick.

I shook my head, interrupting him. “No he’s right. I’m going there tomorrow… I didn’t come all this way to hang out with you losers.”

They grumbled a few insults my way, but after that, the conversation lightened considerably. It was nice to think about something else, try and put Jespin out of my mind for a few hours.

I had no idea what I was going to say to her, but I hoped that the words would come to me; as long as I didn’t lose my cool around her - which was totally possible.
As a form of chickening out, I walked away from the table for a minute, pulling out my cell phone. I wasn’t planning on tell Jes that I was here, rather, feel her out and see where he mindset was; as opposed to dropping in on her with no idea.

It wasn’t Jespin who answered though. “Umm, who’s this?”

“Is this Alex?”

“Yah…”

“Oh! Oh hi… I’m Keisha, we met before… back at the Verizon Center…” The girl said, reminding me of the day when I found out for sure that Jespin liked me.

I nodded to myself. “Right, right… umm, is Jespin there?”

“Yah…” She sighed, sounding apprehensive. “She’s kind of in the middle of something though… could I maybe get her to call you back?”

“No… it’s fine. Could I ask you something? I’m planning on going over there tomorrow to see her… do you think she’d be angry?” I pressed, worrying about her answer.

She hummed for a second before answering. “I don’t think she’d be mad, but tomorrow might be bad timing… are you going to be around on Saturday?”

“Yah… I’ll head over then. Thanks.”

“No problem, and listen. I really want things to work out for you guys so… anything I can ever do to help…”

I thanked her, happy to know that I had an ally, who also happened to be good friends with Jespin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Do I - Luke Bryan

I had done a lot of thinking over the past few weeks, about Jespin and me. I knew what I wanted, I wanted her; but more than that, I wanted her to want me too.
There was no other girl that made me feel that way that she did, and there were a lot of girls.

It wasn’t like I was a prude and didn’t notice other women; it was just the fact that Jespin was one of the few I thought was capable of really wanting me, for me; but she didn’t even want me.
I was stubborn though, and hard-headed, so I had believed if I just gave her time and hung on she’d eventually come around. Maybe I was wrong…

What if all I would ever be was Sidney Crosby the hockey player? Maybe I had spent so much time focused on becoming the best, I had missed out on all the opportunities to grow as a person. I obviously wasn’t the kind of man that I was suppose to be, if I was, then Jespin would want me.
Was Ovechkin really that much better than I was?

I sighed as I watched her walk away from me; Keisha came down the stairs hastily flipping Jespin’s phone shut, shooting apologetic glances at both of us.
Keisha and Jespin exchanged a few hushed words on the stairs before Jespin disappeared; heading off to her bedroom.

I couldn’t believe that she had just dumped me; or not even. We weren’t even together and she still thought that this was too much.
I had thought we were moving forward, there were times during the sex where it felt like she was finally into me; now I knew she was probably just imagining him. “Are you ok?” Keisha asked slowly, taking a step off the stairs and moving towards me.

“I don’t know… I guess I should be happy right? At least she’s not stringing me on but…” I shrugged my shoulders as I chuckled humourlessly, “I kinda wish she still was.”
She sat down beside me, not speaking as I ran over Jes’s words in my head at length. “I don’t think I’ll recover from this… this really sucks.”

“You’ll recover… don’t worry. You’ll find someone else who wants to be with you and you’ll still have Jes in your life. She loves you, you know? I know it’s killing her that she can’t turn it into the kind of love that you want but… she’s only ending this so that you can have a chance at happiness.”

“Do you think there’s something wrong with me?” I asked quietly, wondering why I was confiding in a person that I hardly knew.

She shook her head quickly, laughing slightly. “Sorry…” She apologised once she saw the look on my face. “I just… I always though hockey players were suppose to be all tough and manly… not care about stuff like this…” Keisha explained hastily, looking me in the eye. “There’s nothing wrong with you Sidney, sometimes people just aren’t meant to be together… no matter how badly you want it to work out.
At least this way, you’re still able to have Jes in your life, that’s worth something right?”

I nodded, mulling over her words in my head. I knew that she was probably right, this was for the better. I might never get over Jespin fully but at least she was allowing me to move forward with my life; even if it did suck a lot right now.
“Does it ever get easier?”

She shrugged her shoulders. “I don’t know… they say it does but… I don’t think that the pain ever goes away, we just become better equipped to deal with it; we get stronger over time.” She exhaled quietly, her body slumping slightly as she glanced away. “My boyfriend dumped me for my best friend in high school… I lost both of them in one swoop. I’m not saying that what I went through is any worse than what you’re going through but… I’m still here… you will be too.”

I nodded as Keisha got up and headed towards the stairs. “Hey Keisha.” I called, causing her to turn around. “I think maybe I should just stay away for a couple days but… will you tell Jes that I still care about her… and that I’m glad she did this…” She nodded, turning to leave again. “And Keisha…”

“Yah Sidney…” She smiled as she climbed the stairs.

“Thanks a lot, for understanding… I didn’t think I’d find someone else who ‘got it’, it’s nice to feel like I have an ally.”

She grinned at me as she headed up the stairs. "You have no idea how many times I've heard that lately, but you're welcome all the same."

#55 - Hollow

2010-01-13T06:20:00.000-08:00

I’m Sorry - Buckcherry

I looked at Sidney as he stood in front of me. He wanted me to go home with him for the summer, be his girlfriend, and come out to the public; but everything he wanted was wrong.

I stared at him as he waited for me, patiently, like always. I shook my head, I had no right to do this to him. I wanted to say everything to him, find some way to make this up to him; make it better.
I wanted to look at him and have my heart race, feel myself falling in love with him; the way I should have been.

I had nothing to say though, nothing that he didn’t already know; so I said it anyway. “I’m sorry… I’m sorry about everything that I ever said to you or did to you Sidney. I’m sorry that I hurt you, I’m sorry that you’ve wasted so much time on me…”
I dropped my head, resting it in my hands as I tried to decide what I needed to do. “We can’t do this Sidney… I can’t do this.”

“We’re not doing anything Jes! We’re not together, I know that… if you don’t want to be with me yet then just say it and I’ll give it a rest.”

“No Sidney… I can’t do this. I can’t just keep you dangling in my life, it’s the most selfish thing that I’ve ever done.”

He fell down onto his knees in front of me, pulling my hands into his. “You’re not dangling me Jes… I want to be here. I love you and there’s no where else I want to be.”

I took a deep breath, trying to suck the tears back down before they fell. “But I don’t love you.”

“Not now…”

“What if I don’t ever love you? Ever?”

He looked away from me, sighing deeply. “I don’t know Jes… I just think you can’t possible know that right now. You’re still hurting over someone else so of course you don’t feel like you’ll ever love again-” I shook my head, he just didn’t understand, and there was no way I could make him see. “Ok look Jespin, I’m going home for a few weeks, maybe some time apart will make you see that you need me.”

“I do need you Sidney… just not like that.” He shrugged his shoulders, like it didn’t matter in the least.

“I’ll see you when I get back.” He stood up, kissing the top of my head before he turned around and headed out the door.

I flopped back down on my bed, cursing myself for being so destructive. I found it ironic that when I was really fucking with Sidney’s life, people loved me. As long as I wasn’t pictured with Ovechkin ever again, I could do no wrong; it didn’t make any sense, Sidney was better off when I was in Russia. “Hey girlie…” Keisha said softly as she moved into my room, laying down beside me. “He gone?”

I nodded my head, glancing over at her. “I don’t know what to do about him…”

She sighed, looking away from me to stare at the ceiling. “Well, he’ll find someone else you know, if you don’t end up with him. I just… I don’t want to see you settle, not that Sidney Crosby is really settling… ass like that… but, you know what I mean.” She chuckled as I let out an airy laugh.

“I can’t go back to Alex though…”

“I don’t know. He’s back with that girl so… who knows but, I think he loves you… even if he didn’t say it. You just need to figure out whether or not Alex is the one for you, then you‘ll know what to do.”

“And how do I do that?” I asked sceptically.

She rolled over onto her stomach, propping herself up on her elbows so that she could look at me. ”Well how did you feel when you saw him at the awards?”

I bit my lip, bringing up the memories in my mind. “Happy I guess, I was glad to see him. Sad to think that he’s back with that girl… jealous… that he wasn’t mine and that I couldn’t leave with him. Empty when he was gone.”

“And how do you feel now that he’s gone back to Russia?”

“Hollow.” I answered honestly, the word coming easily to me. I clutched my arms around me as I spoke it, involuntarily trying to cover the hole in my chest. “Hollow like there are pieces of me missing.”

“When Sidney’s around, do you feel whole again?”

I shook my head. “No, but it feels like I have someone else to help me try and cover the hole. The same way I feel when I’m with you. Just to have a friend, someone I trust.”

She nodded, thinking over my words. “Well then, I think you need to go after Alex. If you don’t think that hole can be filled by anyone else…”

“It’s a little late for that, isn’t it?” I asked sadly, wondering what Alex was doing now.

“I don’t think it’s ever too late…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hollow - Godsmack

I sat by myself, cap pulled low over my face as I waited for Masha to hurry up. She’d been trying on clothing all day and I couldn’t wait to get home; I was exhausted.
It took more energy to put up a fake front then it did to win hockey games. Even with my best attempts at hiding how I felt, I could tell the people closest to me could still tell.

I was a hollow man, there was nothing left on the inside, at least it was less painful this way. No matter how hollow I was though, I still couldn’t forget about her.

I went through the motions with Masha, but that’s all it was gesture after meaningless gesture. We spent time together, had sex, slept in the same bed, ate at the same table; but there was noting behind it.
She didn’t seem to care, but we had an understanding. I didn’t want to be alone; look pathetic and forlorn in front of the world and she wanted a rich boyfriend.
It was a compromise that we could both live with; me, because I didn’t really have any other choice.

“I’m going out tonight… are you coming?” Masha asked as she came down the stairs.
I was laid out on the couch, my eyes focused on the TV as I flicked through the channels.

“No.”

She huffed, pulling on a pair of stilettos. “Fine then, do you have cash on you?”

I reached for my pocket, tugging my wallet out and chucking it at her; never looking away from the TV.

I listened until I heard the door close behind her, before I reached for the phone. It was a really bad thing to do, for all I knew Jespin and Sidney were all lovey-dovey, but I still had to check.

The phone rang three times before she answered it. “Alex?”

“Yah! Hey! … how’d you know?”

“Not too many people calling my house from Russia right now… especially not with the caller ID Ovechkin.” She giggled.

“True. Are you busy? Do you need me to let you go?”

“No! No, no… I’m not doing anything… how are you?” She asked, sounding genuinely interested.

I grinned as I laid back down on the couch. “Good… alright. Not really doing a whole lot… playing some pick up games of hockey down at the arena.”

She snorted. “I shouldn’t even be surprised… how are your parents?”

“Good. They’re doing good, my mom asks about you a lot, they both really miss you…” I really miss you.

It was amazing just how hearing her voice could change me, change my mood and my entire outlook. She sounded happy too; I liked to think that that was because of me, but I couldn’t be sure.
Just because I was devastated, didn’t mean she was too.

We stayed on the phone for hours, either way. Both of us chatting non-stop about our families and what else was going on in our lives; minus the relationship part.
“I guess I should probably let you go…” I said slowly as I looked at the clock and realized what time it was.

“Yah…” She said, yawning. “It’s pretty early, “I should probably get some sleep… it was really great hearing from you Alex, it’s been too long.”

“I know, I’m sorry… I should have called but, I wasn’t sure if you’d want to talk to me or… well, you know. Are things going good for you and Sidney?” I asked quickly, wondering if I would rather not know.

She sighed slowly. “We’re still not together. He wants to be but…” She sighed again, and we sat in silence for a few minutes before she started again. “He’s just not the one for me, and, I don’t know what to do about it.”

“You’re still not together?” I asked, trying to hide to relief in my voice. “Why? People saying stuff about you again?”

“No, oh no. Well, they were but, apparently it wasn’t as big of a deal… I just can’t lead him on anymore, it doesn’t feel right. I’ve been too selfish with him for far too long.”

“You’re not selfish Jespin.” I said slowly, glancing up as I heard the front door open and Masha came in.
I was the one in a dead-end relationship, all because I didn’t want to be alone; Jespin was stronger than I was in that sense.

Masha didn’t say anything to me as I got off the phone. She headed up the stairs and I heard her footsteps disappear down the hallway. Sighing, I pushed myself off the couch and headed up the stairs too; exhausted but happy.
I smiled to myself as I headed down the small hallway, feeling just slightly less hollow.

#54 - Award Show

2010-01-12T15:00:00.000-08:00

You and Me - Life house(Cover)

It had been over a month since I last saw Jespin. It should have felt strange seeing her again, it should have hurt less, but it didn’t. It also didn’t help that Jespin was impossible not to see; impossible to ignore. She walked in beside her father, Sidney trailing closely behind as they walked down the steps towards their seats.
I could feel people torn; some looking at them, some looking at me - all of them looking for some kind of reaction. I wanted to keep my eyes away from her, but I couldn’t look away; she was the only thing I could see.

Like a magnetic connection, her large emerald eyes found me instantaneously; a slight smile touching the edge of her lips as we stared at each other. “Ovie… people are looking at you…” Greener whispered from beside me, trying to get my attention.
I heard him of course, I could feel their eyes before he said anything; but I didn’t give a shit. At this moment she was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen, I wasn’t about to look away.
Who knew when I’d see her again after this? If all I had was a few hours to stare at her, that’s what I was going to do.

They took their seats, two rows behind me, to the left; Greener’s arm was the only thing that stopped me from turning around completely.
I was acting retarded, I knew that; but I couldn’t bring my mind to figure out why that was a bad thing - I was in love with her, didn’t that mean I had the right to stare?

I saw an arm drape around her bare shoulders and I twitched involuntarily before I realized who it belonged to; her father, not Sidney.
Regardless of how incredible Jespin looked, I couldn't stare at her anymore; it was different now. There wasn't just random people gawking at me, now it was her father. No, not gawking... Mario Lemieux was watching me; tilting his head and watching me, as if he’d never really seen me before this moment.
I allowed my eyes to wander over to the other side of Mario. Sidney was looking pointedly at the stage, even though there was no one on it.
He looked as uncomfortable as I felt; of course I was only uncomfortable because I was straining my neck.

The lights went down and I lost sight of her. I looked back for a few minutes in the dark before I realized that I’d probably have to wait till this thing was over to see her again. I sighed, turning around and leaning over to Greener. “I’m in love with her.” I said softly, causing his mouth to pop open.

“Yah… I know… but… I don't think this is the place...” He let out an awkward whistle, glancing back over his shoulder in Jespin’s direction.
I knew it was fruitless, the lights were still off, but on impulse I looked back too.

The music started and I was forced the turn around, not paying attention as my eyes zoned out on the stage.
It felt so surreal, being this close to her again, but not being able to touch her. I needed to though, I knew without a doubt that I needed to get her alone at some point; at least talk to her.

Hart, Richard, Pearson. Three awards, on the stage three time, and I couldn’t see a damn thing under the fucking lights. “What do I do man?” I hissed at Mike as the lights went back on and everyone started to get up.

He shrugged, looking back over his shoulder. “I don’t know, but you better do something fast… they’re taking off.” I groaned and looked back. I had no idea what after party they were going too. If they got out those doors, it’d be game over.

I ran out into the hallway, pushing past the crowd of people, as I attempted to reach Jespin.
I couldn’t find her in the crowd and when I finally got to the doors, I realized that I must have missed her.

“She’s right there.” I turned around at the sound of someone speaking in my ear. “She’s just waiting under the awning, trying to stay out of the rain…” Mario said, pointing out the doors and off to the side. I followed his finger and saw Jespin standing with Oksana under the red canopy.

“Thanks…” I said slowly, staring at my favourite hockey player and the father of the woman that I loved. I felt like I should say something else, like I should explain to him that I loved her and wanted to be with her. That she wanted me too, and we only ended because it was too hard for her.
I wanted to tell him that there wasn’t a thing in this world that I wouldn’t do for his daughter; but he smiled at me, and I could tell he already knew. "I don't mean to play devil's advocate... but you should probably get out there..." He smirked, causing me to nod as his eyes focused in on something behind me.

I turned around, throwing myself out the door and taking off through the rain, not stopping until I reached Jespin.
Oksana looked back and forth between us as I came to a halt beside her; giving me a grin before she turned around and walked a few feet away.

We stared at each other for an eternity; my eyes drinking in every perfect feature of her beautiful face as she stared back. It felt like it had been a million years since I stood this close to her; when in reality it had only been several weeks. “Hey.” She said softly, her eyes sparkling in under the lights as tears began to outline them.

“Hey.” I said back, laughing slightly at the absurdity of it all. “You look amazing.”

“Thanks, you look pretty debonair yourself.” I raised an eyebrow at her as she laughed lightly, shaking her head as she did so; her smooth black hair falling out around her shoulders.

“I… I guess I should go, don’t want to keep him waiting.” I nodded back at the parking lot where Sidney was talking with Mario. Mario looked like he was busy, keeping Sidney oblivious to my conversation with Jespin.

“Alex-” She started but I pressed a finger to her soft lips, silencing her.

“Be happy Jespin, please. I don’t think that I could stand it, if I knew you weren’t… I don’t even care if it’s not with me, just…” I sighed, looking away from her as she glanced back at Sidney.

She nodded slowly, before returning her gaze back to me. “I wish that things…”

“Me too.”

“Are you ok?” I nodded slowly, looking down at my feet.

“Of course.” I answered, as smugly as possible, trying to hide anything in my voice that might betray me. “Your boyfriend’s waiting for you…” I said quietly, causing her to turn around.

“He’s not my boyfriend.“ She answered honestly as we both looked at him. He didn’t look angry or upset as he watched us, he looked fearful. Mario said something to him, grabbing his arm and tugging him away. I sighed, I was wrong, the last thing that I needed was to be alone with Jespin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You Shouldn’t Kiss Me Like This - Toby Keith

I watched my dad lead Sidney away, wondering how on earth I was suppose to follow after them.
It was a horrible night out, the rain was pelting down and all I wanted to do was get inside some place warm and dry, but I couldn’t make my feet move.

I turned back around and looked up at Alex; he looked great, a lot better than I did. I could still see the sadness in his eyes, but I was positive he’d recover. After all, I was the one that had broken my own heart; he wasn’t loosing a piece of himself when I walked away. “You never danced with me.” I said suddenly, looking through the bay window as some of the Penguins twirled their dates around the large banquet room.

“You wanna dance?” He asked, shifting back and forth on his feet, uncomfortably. I nodded, and he took my hand.
I glanced back over my shoulder as Oksana grinned at me, still waiting for Geno.

No one was paying any attention to us;I knew we couldn't go inside, not with everyone in there. Instead he took my hand, leading me away from the awning and out into the darkened parking lot.
There was just enough light, - from the cars driving past on the highway - that I could see Alex fairly clearly. The wet pavement reflected the light even further as the rain pelted down on us.
Alex held me at a respective distance, which I appreciated; if he had of pulled me into his chest, I wouldn’t have been able to leave.

His hands rested lightly on the small of my back, holding us in a circle as we rotated slowly to music that didn't exist.
When he was close like this, it was hard to keep my resolve. All I could do was remind myself that this was the only way. Alex didn’t love me and it was too much pain to go through for anything less.

Sidney, he loved me, I already knew that. He also knew that I didn’t love him, not in the same way… but he was ok with that.
He fully believed that time would heal this wound and then I would be his; whole-heartedly.
I wasn’t so optimistic. I knew that there was no way these wounds would ever heal; and in all honesty, I wasn’t even sure that I wanted them to. I never wanted to forget the feeling of bliss that fell over me every time Alex came near.

“So why aren’t you together?” He asked finally, as he pulled me closer to him. I looked up at him and he was looking away. I blinked quickly, not from tears but from the rain that was trailing down my face.

I shrugged, locking my hands behind his neck as we continued to sway. “He’s asked but… I don’t know.” I answered half honestly. I knew why I couldn’t say yes to Sidney, I was still in love with Alex, and that wasn’t fair to him. Then again, I was being open with him about it, he knew I was broken goods, and yet he still wanted me.
There was just something there, some kind of wasted hope. The desire that Alex and I might somehow figure this out.
The dream that he might actually love me back.

I knew that love wouldn’t change what people said about me, but I was too selfish to go through all the pain for anything less than a total commitment; and I just wasn’t sure Alex could give me that.
I had heard rumours that he was back with his old girlfriend anyway; something that made me sad. It was like he was purposely putting himself through misery - hadn’t I proved to him that he was worth more than that?
Obviously not. Then again, he didn’t hold the same weight on me that I held on him. I was just one of the other girls, someone that he had pursued and achieved, like every other girl that had ever passed through his life.

I could feel someone watching us and I realized that Sidney was there. He gave me a sheepish smile; like he was the one caught doing something wrong. I sighed and pulled away from Alex. “I have to go.” I said softly, looking up at him as he nodded.

“Right. I’ll see you around then Jes… good luck, with everything.” He said, reaching up to push his wet hair out of his face.

I nodded watching him walk away from me. I cursed at myself as I felt the tears start to fall down my face; the last thing I needed to do was cry.
Sidney’s arms wrapped around me then, and he tugged me tightly against his chest. “I’m sorry…” I groaned, trying to hide my face, as tears began to mingle with the rain drops.

“It’s ok Jespin…” He whispered, clutching me tighter against his chest; I could feel my drenched dress, soaking his suit.

“It’s not though Sidney… it’s not fair for me to do this to you. You don’t deserve this.”

He rolled his eyes at me and grinned. “I think I deserve whatever I want… and right now it’s the beautiful green eyed girl with makeup running down her face.”

“Oh no…” I groaned bringing my hands up to cover my eyes.

Sidney just laughed, tucking me tightly under his arm as we headed for the car.

#53 - Physical Side

2010-01-11T15:00:00.000-08:00

Gold Digger + 5th - Kanye West/Beethoven (I'm sorry... this makes no sense, other than a 'club song, but I love... lol)

I watched Oksana throw her arms around Geno’s neck as the beat started to pound out of the speakers.
I was beside Sidney, his arms wrapped around my waist as I moved along with him, laughing every time he stepped on me feet. “Jesus Sidney! Learn to walk!” I joked, as he rolled his eyes.

“I’m a hockey player, not a dancer.” He quipped back.

I felt someone come up behind me and groaned as Jordan pulled me out of Sidney’s arms. “Come dance with a master!” He yelled, pulling me into a spin as Sidney retreated back up the stairs towards the couches.

I glanced around the Diesel as Jordan and I started throwing out our best hip-hop moves; considering he grew up on a farm and I was in ballet for sixteen years - our best wasn’t very good. It wasn’t long before Max and group of girls were around us and I shook my head.
I waved goodbye to Jordan over the gaggle of platinum blond floozies, and he grinned back at me; grabbing onto someone and pulling her against him.

When I reached the VIP section I found Sidney, sitting quietly with Kris. “Well aren’t you two the life of the party.” I laughed, dropping down the couch in between them.

“Well, you apparently don’t like my dancing and Kris is being chased by cougars.” Sidney explained, grinning, he threw his arm around my shoulders as Kris blushed deeply. “Besides… I’m sick of celebrating in this building. I think I’m gonna go into hibernation until my birthday.”

“Party pooper…” I muttered under my breath as I searched the crowd for Keisha. I found her, laughing with Billy G as they stood by the VIP bar. “You want a drink?” I asked the guys.
They both nodded, getting up and following me to the bar.

“Hey!” Keisha smiled, pulling me into a hug as I came up behind her. “Amaretto shot?” She asked, flagging down the bartender.
Kris, Keisha and Billy started pounding back the shots as Sidney and I sat off to the side, laughing as Keisha drank them under the table.

“I’m too old for this shit!” Billy complained as we pulled up outside of his house. “Fuck… how am I gonna get up those stairs?” He groaned, his eyes focusing on the large cement steps that led up to his front door.
He shook his head as Sidney and I started to laugh at him. He got out of the SUV and stumbled on his first step.

“You gonna be ok?” Sidney called mockingly as Billy continued up the walk. He raised his hand over his head, shooting us the finger as Sidney pulled back out onto the road, laughing. “You alright back there Kris?”

Kris groaned from the backseat. “Never again… oh god.” I snorted as Keisha, giggled, shaking her head.

“Light-weight.” She quipped, glancing out the window as we headed to Kris’s apartment.

The three of us - Sidney, Keisha and I - walked through the front door of my house, a little after 3.
Sidney and I said goodnight to Keisha as she headed for the spare bedroom that had become her home for the past two weeks since she arrived in Pittsburgh.

Sidney flopped down on my bed. “I feel like I’m drunk and I didn’t even drink anything…”

“Drunk by osmosis.” I explained, laughing as he covered his face with his hands.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Love In This Club - 'Insert Rapper Name Here'(Cover)

“Not funny, seriously… I feel all sluggish and shit.” I groaned as she flopped down beside me.

“Oh muffin…” She cooed as I rolled over, pulling her body underneath mine.

“Be my girlfriend?”

She sighed, staring at me intently. “Sidney… we’ve been over this.”

I nodded my head, nuzzling my face into her warm neck. “I know, I know… but I told you a million times Jes, I don’t care.”

“It’s just not right Sidney… you know that I-”

“I know that you love him. Yes, but that doesn’t mean you can’t be with me. You and Ovechkin are done babe. You said that yourself, you two aren’t getting back together.
This is gonna heal Jespin, you’re going to move on with your life. Why won’t you let me help you?”

She sighed audibly underneath me and I knew it was time to back off. She wasn’t there yet, she wasn’t ready to move forward with her words.
She wasn’t pushing me away though, not physically or mentally, and I was thankful for that. She always allowed me to hold her now, and she always told me what was going on in my mind.
She had been totally open with me about how she felt about Alex, how she still felt, and where she thought our relationship was going to go.

Even if I had to be nothing more than a consolation prize for the time being, I was going to make sure I was the best damn consolation prize ever.
I couldn’t tell her that though, she was under the impression that if I was in pain it was her fault.
Jespin was being nothing but open with me now, I knew the risks of getting involved with someone who still had feelings for someone else. If things went bad and I ended up getting hurt, but it would be my fault; I wasn’t a child, I could make my own decisions. “I’m sorry Sidney…” She sighed again, running her fingers through her hair.

I kissed her neck in acknowledgement, allowing my feelings to take over. I wasn’t some type of sex god in bed; but I didn’t think I was bad at it. At least I’d never had any complaints.
Jes seemed to be much more comfortable than me in that area now. I instigated, then she would lead, and I'd followed.

I tugged her out of her dress, tossing it aside before I started to undress myself, she laid on her back watching me; her smooth, pale, legs rubbing together in anticipation.
She bit her lip as I stared at her, watching her hands trace gentle circles along her stomach. They moved further south as I kicked off my pants; her fingers slowly moving down towards her folds.

I started to pant as she closed her eyes, bringing her fingers down in an upside down ‘V’, grabbing onto her clit and rubbing it in a circular motion.
She let out a small moan, as the wetness began to exit her, slipping down the pink skin between her legs until I couldn’t watch anymore.
I moved on top of her and she pulled her hands back, rolling over onto her stomach. She came up on her hands and knees, glancing back over her shoulder at me through hooded eyes.

I gently reached out, sliding my hands along her curves. I slid them back along her spin until I was grasping her hips in my hands. Groaning, I began to gently slid myself in, trying to be as tender as possible. “Sid…” She complained once I was completely sheathed in her. I pulled out and began to move into her again, closing my eyes against the almost unbearable heat.
“Sidney…" She pressed again. "...I’m not a china doll… you can’t break me.” She sighed, glancing back at me as I snapped my head up.

“Ah… what?” I asked, completely bewildered.

She gave me a sheepish grin as she pushed herself back against me hard, slamming me deeper into her body than I would have normally pressed. I held still while she pulled forward, bucking her hips back against me until I let out a grunt. Suddenly her words made sense.

Maybe it was him. Maybe he use to make love to her like this; maybe he use to force himself into her and that’s what she wanted.
It wasn’t what I wanted to do, I didn’t want to take pleasure from her body like that; get myself off by making her cry out.
It wasn't until she pushed back again and I realized that she was wishing I was him; that instinct took over.
I wasn't sure if I was lashing out through pain, or in a feeble attempt to show her that I could be the man that she needed; either way, the result was the same. I grabbed onto her hips, pulling myself out of her. I slammed my way back in; thrusting into her wet folds until her body hit against mine.
I continued to propel myself into her, grunting with each exertion as she arched against me.

I could feel myself about to climax as hot liquid began to pour out of her and she yelped. I grabbed onto her long hair, twisting it around my hand and pulling her backwards.
I didn’t stop until she was on her knees, her back pressed against me and her head turned in my direction. “Look at me Jes.” I ordered and she obliged, staring at me as I began to thrust upward, still filling her.

With my free hand I reached around and grasped onto her clit, sliding it back and forth as fast as I could.
She bucked her hips again, this time her orgasm splashed out around my fingers as her eyes strayed from my gaze.

I filled her one last time before I felt myself explode, my own orgasm bursting out of me as I wrapped my arms around her; clutching her against me.

Time-Line

2010-01-11T05:51:00.000-08:00

Ok... this is the LAST post on here that isn't an actual story update... I promise (or at least... I promise to try lol).

I just wanted to let everyone know what was going on with the other stories that I write, and what they could look for after this one finishes on Monday or Tuesday (I can't remember when the last update is set for).

I used a new 'technique' for Traitor, mapping out the entire story before I wrote a word... it's probably why this is the first story I've been able to finish remotely *on time*.

I'm gonna do that for the rest of my stories and all the ones I plan on writing... but right now the scedule I have planned out, goes as follows:

ForcedFate
Gate 9 (Finishing... only a few updates left actually)
Hockey Mom
If I Should Fall (This will get finished sometime in the next couple months...)
Changing Times
((Rick Nash))
((Semin))
I don't have titles yet for the last two stories... but I do have some things planned out =D (ALSO... Mr. Serious is probably going to be a really long story... I'm already continuing updates on that so it'll probably get to the point where I'm posting updates for more than one story a night).

Cheers!

#52 - Press

2010-01-10T15:00:00.000-08:00

Alright so, the blubbering mess ended... I was left with the realization that I had deleted 63 pages of updates...
I literally pulled this one out thin air, still not sure how that happened... hopefully there will be nightly updates again... *hopefully*.

Also, just so everyone knows... I have an unhealthy relationship with the World Juniors... if you read any of my other stories, I promise nothing bad will happen if Canada loses the Olympics! haha, I'm strictly crazy about the WJ...

Mad World - Gary Jules

With the high of the Stanley Cup finally filtering off me, I was left with the realization that I had made out with Sidney in front of thousands of people and a fleet of cameramen.
Of course, bigger news was the fact that the Pens had won, that carried on for a while; but a few weeks after even that had died off, the pictures started coming out.
It was a full three days before they realized that I was the same girl caught with Alex Ovechkin a week before the Stanley Cup finals; but once they realized it, it didn’t stop.

Traitor; that was my new nickname. The girl that abandoned Alex Ovechkin for a Stanley Cup champion; or maybe I had abandoned Sidney for him, and was just now flopping back.
It didn’t seem to matter either way, all that mattered was I had officially become the most hated person in the history of hockey - and I didn’t even play the damn thing.
Sidney told me that that wasn’t true, people would never hate me more than Sean Avery; it certainly didn’t feel that way now however.

Apparently every person on the face of the earth had either Sidney or Alex at the top of their favourite player list. Regardless of which one, I had at one point screwed around with both of them - obviously making me a horrible person.
And maybe I was. I hadn’t talked to Alex since the break-up, so I had no idea how he was handling things.
The worse part was, I hardly had time to think about it. Between throwing myself into Cup celebrations, catching up with my family, and Sidney in general; by the time my head hit the pillow I was out.

“Jes… we gotta go!” Sidney yelled as he jogged up the stairs towards my room.

I sighed, finishing off an e-mail to Keisha. “Why, where are we going?” Sid was panting as he through my door open, coming in and signaling for me to get up. “What?” I asked again, following him as he jogged back down the stairs.

I followed him outside, even getting into his Rang Rover and allowing him to drive for ten minutes before I asked again. “Sidney!”

“We’re going to the arena, press conference with your dad.” He explained finally, spinning out onto the highway.

I rolled my eyes as I looked out the window. “Ugh! You and you just assumed that I would enjoy this?” I chuckled, wondering how long we were going to be. It seemed like I could never get away from hockey arenas; not even in the off-season.

“I didn’t think you’d want to come, you have to come… they know.”

It felt like all the air had been sucked out of my body; like my lungs had disappeared and I had no way to draw breath. He didn’t need to say any else, he didn’t need to explain himself; with those two words everything was crystal clear. They knew.

I stood in between my father and Sidney, wondering why so many people would show up to hear about me.
As the story went, so up-and-coming sports reporter had taken it upon himself to figure out who I was. He knew from the first picture ever seen, that I worked for the Capitals; he assumed that would be how I knew Alex. When he couldn’t find the connection between Alex and Sidney however, he began to dig deeper; discovering who I actually was - the teen-aged, harlot daughter of Mario Lemieux.

My father looked livid; like I had never seen him before. He was red faced and furious - a papa bear trying to protect his cubs from the oncoming slaughter. Apparently the press conference hadn’t been his idea. It was all thanks to Pat, Sidney’s agent, he felt like it should be dealt with outright; suggesting it was the only way to insure things could ever be smoothed over.

Luckily for me, I wasn’t expected to talk. Sidney fervently refused it; sharing a few choice words with Pat before the idea was taken off the table. My dad sided with Sidney, he didn’t feel like I should have to say anything; my presence would be enough.

“Sidney, don’t touch her when she’s up there.” My dad said quietly as we waited in the wings.

“What? Why not?” He spun around, looking flabbergasted.

My dad sighed, giving him a knowing smile. “Sidney listen, my whole family is about to be implicated for this - everything that anyone has ever done is going to be thrown under a microscope. I just think it would be better if you didn’t go out there and flaunt my daughter. Some people might view it in bad taste… people are starting to think that you and Ovechkin are using Jespin to get back at one another.” He said softly, avoiding eye contact with me as spoke.

I sighed, watching Sidney nod before he turned back around. My dad grabbed my arm and pulled me back towards him as Pat motioned for us to enter the press room. “Pat wants to say that the whole thing with Alex was just a mistake, a lack in judgment on your part… I told him that I didn’t think that was appropriate. Do you agree?”

I nodded my head, feeling horrified at the though. “Dad, I don’t want to say anything bad about Alex…”

He nodded, his face full of understanding. “Alright, that’s fine. I won’t let him say anything like that… I just thought I should check. The whole family’s going to get dragged over the coals for this…” He added as an after thought.

I looked up at him, confused. “So you think it would be better if Pat said that?”

“No… not better, easier for sure.” He exhaled gently, sounding very tired and worn. “It’d be easier if that’s all people thought it was, as opposed to a full on relationship… I just hope that if we’re gonna get dragged through the fire for this, it’s worth the burn.”

I gave him a sad smile as he hooked his arm through mine, leading me down the way Sidney had gone. “Thanks dad.” I said quietly as we stopped outside the door. “I’m sorry that all this happened and… I know it’d be easier if Pat said that Alex was just a one time thing but-”

“-but you love him… and it wouldn’t be fair to lie like that.” He sympathetically, staring straight ahead as I readied myself to face the music.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Tonight I Wanna Cry - Keith Urban

I only saw the press release because we had the NHL channel on demand. I knew I eventually would have seen it anyway, everyone was talking about it; about how Alex Ovechkin got crossed over for Sidney Crosby. The same Sidney Crosby that was now a Stanley Cup champion.

So they all knew who she was now; having put two and two together. I didn’t watch the finals, so I didn’t see the Penguins win; nor did I see that part where Sidney apparently threw himself on Jespin.
It wasn’t like I could be mad about it or anything, we were over and really, there was no reason for her not date Crosby.

Obviously people might disagree with that; if she had an issue with dating on NHL star, why would another be any different? And that could have been true, maybe, if that star also didn’t live with her father.
It made sense - whenever I looked past the sick feeling I got in the pit of my stomach every time I thought about her - and I realized that it would be natural progression. The expected route her life would have taken if she never met me.

People wouldn’t be so hard on her now; there would still be the people that talked shit, but it wouldn’t be so bad.
They wouldn’t ask ’why’, ’how’, or anything like that; because it made sense. Sidney Crosby, Mario Lemieux’s golden boy, dating his daughter. It was like the perfect little steel city romance.

That didn’t make it any easier to deal with. Yet in all honesty I had expected her to drop me off completely, stand up in front of the room of people and tell them that her relationship with me was all just a misunderstanding.
She didn’t though, she didn’t say anything at all; but the people representing her didn’t say anything bad about me either.

That night when I climbed the stairs and headed down the hallway towards my room, I tried to get the image of Sidney and Jespin out of my mind. They didn’t touch at all while the cameras were on, for her part, Jespin didn’t even look in his direction. Sidney had looked at her though, with the unmistakable glow in his eye; the look of a man finally getting everything he wanted.
He had the win, the Cup, and now he had the girl.

I dropped into my bed beside Masha, praying she didn’t wake up as I tried to get comfortable; the last thing I wanted was to have to talk to her again tonight.

It wasn’t my plan, for us to get back together; my parents had decided it was best for me. They saw how upset I was after Jespin and I ended things, and my mother used that as an excuse to complain about not having grandchildren and me being too old to be single.
It didn’t even matter anymore why she wanted to be with me. I had experienced what it felt like to love someone - to still love someone - and in my mind, if I wasn’t with Jespin, than why did it matter who I was with?

It might be a pitiful thing to do, but it didn’t really matter much. I had already given away my heart and hockey ruled my mind; the physical things were all I really had left, and in that sense, one girl was as good as any other.

I closed my eyes, trying not to think about the only girl I wanted to think about; running over in my head the end of everything. The last kiss, the last touch, the last smile; I had to keep it fresh in my mind even if it hurt.
I needed to remember that it was real, I needed to remember that at some point in my life someone actually cared about me.

In Response...

2010-01-07T05:58:00.001-08:00

**Alright... read to the end (or skip to the end) cause I have a question about upcoming stories**

This little blip is something I contemplated not writing... but I thought it would suffice. I'm not trying to be a bitch, but I feel like I deserve to stand up for myself, especially since this is my site lol
I don't want to start some kind of cat-fight or something, I harbour no ill-will towards anyone but... I'm still trying to wrap my brain around this whole thing lol

Elle,

Apparently you don't understand having a melt down.

If you ask anyone who actually knows me, they know that I'm not seriously done with writing.

WJ mean more to me that NHL, QMJHL, AOL, OHL, Olympics or any other league I follow. I was upset, and as I always do when I'm upset, I over-react (I'm sure you've done that at some point in your life).

The reason there won't be updates for a while, is because I deleted 63 pages while watching the game, not because I'm oh-so overcome with emotion I'm taking a vow of silence...

I like to think that my emotions are not ridiculous, seeing as how they're my emotions and are how I react to certain things.

Maria and I are not done writing... it's an outburst.. I think you need to take a pill and relax a little bit. It's fanfiction dear, not the end of the world. If you wrote stories on here, I can PROMISE you that I would never in a million years ever take a personal attack at you.
I am not the kind of person that mocks people or tries to hurt them because of their opinions or feelings. Do I expect you to agree with me? No of course not! They're opinions and I love that my readers have so many and are able to comment freely on what they're feeling... but you coming on here and going off like that? What does it solve?
I don't go around on other people's blogs and insult them; I like to think that I deserve the same amount of respect that I give.

Was I upset? Very much so. Am I still upset? Yes, of course.
Am I being absolutely ridiculous? No... I'm not. Why? Because this is my blog and I can do whatever the hell I want on it.

If I want to kill off everyone at the end... I could do that... because it's my blog.
If I want to delete the entire thing... I can... because it's my blog.
If I want to be a bitch, poor out all my emotions, and have my melt down here, I can do that... because it's my blog.

In case you didn't pick up on it... this is MY blog. I am entitled to write whatever I want to on it, and if you don't agree with me, or don't like something that I put on here... then stop reading it.

I think that everyone has an opinion and as such, should be able to share it.
Alot of people don't agree with things that happen in my story and I'm fine with it, I love getting feed back and criticism that would help me become a better writer.
But the thing that I do *not* appreciate... is someone coming onto MY blog and taking a personal attack at me (especially in a time when I'm trying to recover from a very upsetting thing).

You might not agree with how I'm feeling, but I know I'm not the only one.
I started working on updates again yesterday and I should be posting nightly ones again on Monday, for everyone that is still going to be coming on this journey with me.

I write these stories for people because I want them to enjoy what I'm doing, and move through the motions of change and discovery with me.
If you have a problem with anything Mariabprice (who happens to be a friend of mine), or I write, then it's that... your problem.

If you want to come back and read the story when it starts up again... by all means... feel free to do so; but if you feel the need to attack, mock, or insult me or any of my friends again.... do not bother coming back.
That being said, I'm not saying that I don't want you to continue to follow this story. I appreciate all of my followers and their comments... but if I'm going to get attacked for the things that I say and do, it takes all the fun out of writing.

To everyone else on here... thank you for your understanding and support, you guys mean so much to me, you probably have no idea.
As I said already, nightly updates on Monday... hopefully they'll live up to anticipation =)

I also started another story on Avery (WHAT? Yes... Sean Avery... gross, I know lol). BUT I am wondering what people would like to see in other stories?
I have some good ideas, but I don't know what hockey players to write about... is there someone you'd like to see? (And please no Crosby lol, there are so many stories on here now about him... I'd like to try someone different).

Let me know who you'd want to read about!!!

Cheers!

Updates

2010-01-05T19:41:00.000-08:00

Sorry guys... don't look for updates for a bit.

I deleted everything tonight while watching the World Juniors... I've lost a little bit of faith in hockey and I don't know if I'm gonna finish any of these stories or even continue writing fanfiction.

^^ It might seem melodramatic but I have major issue where my juniors are concerned...

sorry.

#51 - (Lord Stanley, Lord Stanley) … Bring Out The Brandy

2010-01-05T15:00:00.000-08:00

Ok... I was so excited about this update haha.
Writing it gave me chills - not because I think I'm a fantastic writer, but - everytime I think about game 7 I keep remembering 'that' moment.
That one moment, at the very end, where every dream seemed possible...

Also... EH O-CANADA, GO!! Let's make it 6 years in a row boys! I know you've got it in you!!

Oops... and before I forget... please don't hate me because of this update... = /

Red Wings vs. Penguins

I stood in the walkway by the ice, watching from behind Marc’s net as the wings ploughed in slashing and fighting their way towards him.
I saw Marc drop, expecting a low shot; when the puck went wide, flying up and ricocheting off the metal bar with a distinctive ping.

I gasped with the rest of arena; half from disappointment, half with relief. Collecting my thoughts I glanced up at the box to see my father hanging over the edge, his eyes alight with excitement and surety. He had no doubt how game seven was going to end; turning my eyes back to the game, I had to disagree.

There were seconds - seconds - left in the game and the Pens were winning by one goal. I could feel the excitement radiating off the black and white sea behind me, mixing with the determination from the boys in front of me.
From somewhere deep within the building, a buzzer sound, and time stopped.

Everyone stood still, unmoving; silent as we looked around at each other, trying to make sense of what had just happened. I caught Marc’s eye as he looked back over the net; he looked as confused as I felt.
And then the world exploded.

The crowd erupted with screams of joy and elation; thousands of voices mixing together to form one loud ring of victory. I threw my hands over my mouth as tears began to flow down my face and I felt strangers pulling me into hugs as together we celebrated.

Even the mass of red and white were on their feet nodding together as a new prince was crowned.
I watched Sidney take his existence, smiling without abandon as he hoisted the world in a cup, above his head.

My father was crying, his arms folded over his chest as he watched flashes of his life dance in front of his eyes; my mother beside him, holding him as she grinned. I ran to them, winding my way through the throng of people; moving towards the surface of the ice as fast as I could.

My dad grabbed my hand, pulling me behind him as he moved onto the ice with my mother. We walked along the carpeted walkways that were appearing out of nowhere, heading to Sidney.

He was surrounded by a mass of reporters, all yelling questions and congratulations at him. Troy, Trina and Taylor found us; joining forces as we pushed towards him.

Finally moving away from the media he reached out, taking his father’s hand in a firm shake before pulling his mother and sister into his chest.
I spoke to Tyler and Kris as they moved past me; Max came over to give me a hug before moving on to talk to my father.
Sidney whispered to his mom, grinning as she reached up to kiss his cheek. Our eyes met and his grin widened.

He slid towards me, his feet effortlessly finding the only pieces of ice left clear as he closed the gap between us.
When he stopped in front of me, we both just smiled, neither of us having words to speak. The excitement and climax of euphoria that was erupting all around me turned my brain to mush as he bent down.

My lips found his - naturally - as his arms wound around my waist pulling me against him. I reached up, winding my hands through the back of his wet hair as he lifted me off the ground.
We broke apart after a few minutes - or days - grinning at each other sheepishly as our families closed in around us.

My dad laid his hand down on my shoulder and I looked back at him; he smiled down at me, nodding slightly as he looked over the crowd, his eyes seeking the silver Cup.
I watched it move towards us as Guerin came through the crowd, holding it out to my dad.

I bit my lip as more tears fell over my lids, my dads sturdy hands wrapping around the shiny trophy, grasping it back up to him. “Let’s see it Lemieux!” Someone yelled as my dad laughed along, throwing the cup up over his head as my mom giggled.

“Careful you don’t tip over, old man…” I heard her chirp from behind him, causing us all to laugh again. Sidney’s arms wound around me tightly and he nodded for me to follow him.
He held my hand tightly in his as we headed back to the locker-room.

Someone had allowed the Russians around the alcohol without staying to supervise and I ended up getting drenched before we even reached the hallway. When I tried to complain Geno just laughed at me, turning to chase after Oksana with a foaming bottle of champagne.
Sidney could hardly contain his excitement, not like I could blame him; this was the moment he’d been waiting about his entire life. It was amusing to watch though. He bounced with every step he took, giving out high-fives to people with his free hand as we passed them.

When we finally reached the locker room, I was surprised to see how quiet it was. Only a few of the players were in here, surrounded by their wives, girlfriends, and young children.
I went over and sat down on the bench beside Billy’s oldest daughter while Sidney went to change out of his gear. We watched Guerin attempt to jive with a few of the smaller children; me laughing, her hanging her head in shame.

Finally the rest of the players came filing through the door, followed by my parents. My dad ran over and grabbed an arm full of champagne bottles off the table before disappearing again, leaving Jordan laughing in his wake. “Looks like he’s got the right idea.” He chuckled loudly, plopping down beside me.

I smiled back, but that was all I could really do. I’d had the same smile plastered on my face for so long that it was starting to hurt. “Here have a drink Jes!” Max shouted, passing me a full bottle of champagne.
I shrugged my shoulders and allowed Jordan to open it. He grabbed another bottle for himself and we clinked the glass together, tipping them up at the same time.

I was fairly inebriated by the time Sidney had fought his way back to me; the throng of reporters growing with each passing minute. “Jesus I wasn’t gone forty-five minutes!” He laughed, grabbing - the now - almost empty bottle from me. “Did you drink all this?” He asked, tipping the bottle back and finishing it off before I could answer him.

Everything else was dream-like after that. Sidney clutched onto me tightly not letting me out of his reach as we moved around the room.
We all celebrated late - or early - into the morning, drinking, dancing and basically just being loud and rambunctious.

I arrived back home with Sidney shortly after six, both of us giggling as we tried to tiptoe up the stairs.
It was a useless attempt though; we were incredibly loud - lucky for us no one else was home.

I was exhausted but my body and mind wouldn’t stop; I was still running off of the adrenaline and excitement from the night before. Sidney seemed to be the same way, the grin never leaving his face as he lead me to my room.

He wrapped me in his arms as soon as he had closed the door behind him; his lips finding mine as we tumbled backwards onto the bed.
It felt wrong for so many reason, but right at the same time.
I was hurting, literally, from the loss of Alex; but whenever Sidney touched me, I was able to forget about it - at least for a few minutes.
In the heat of the moment I couldn’t help but feel like this wasn’t such a bad thing. I had given it a try, I had done everything I could to make it work - or at least that’s how I felt.

But maybe I had never really given it a try. Maybe I had been so caught up in all the reasons it was wrong, I never fully stopped to think about whether or not it could be right.
I didn't know how to be with someone in a relationship capacity... or at least I hadn't...

It was so soon, too soon, but why not now? Why shouldn't I try to be happy now?
Does waiting make it any easier to move on? The questions began to stick in my mind, deeply rooting their way inside; until they weren't even questions anymore.
When Sidney’s hands started tugging at my clothing, I didn’t stop him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I Still Care For You - Ray Lamontagne

Mario had told me that I needed to give Jespin time, space, to work things out. He said that this had probably changed her a lot - she wouldn‘t be the same person anymore. It had seemed like a reasonable request; something that made sense and should be obeyed, but it couldn’t be helped.
When I saw her out there on the ice, tears in her eyes; I had to hold her.

I was still reeling off my win, our win, and I allowed myself to get caught up in the moment; something that didn’t happen very often.
When it did though, I knew it was worth it. Winning the Cup was like a weight off my chest, like I could finally draw a full breath again.

And then suddenly there was no reason not to kiss her. She was officially single, she had told me it was done for good.
Sure, I wasn’t foolish; I knew that she had feelings for him still, and that she probably would for a while. I wanted her to have those feelings for me though, and I wanted to help her get over him.
It was when I kissed her and I felt her kiss me back that I knew she didn’t need space, she needed me.

I could feel her soft skin below me as she hooked her ankles behind my back; the light from the sunrise, gently filtering in through her window. Her lips were delicate but passionate on mine; her hands sweeping gently along my arms.
I didn’t want this to be like the last time, I didn’t want this to be a mistake or something that she didn’t fully enjoy. I pulled her up to me, moving until I was sitting on my knees; her body still wrapped around mine as I lowered her on to me.

I pushed deeper into her; hot wetness surrounding me as I pulled my lips away from her. I looked down into her green eyes as she gripped my shoulders, swaying her hips gently.
She bit her lip and I bent down, dragging my lips along her neck softly. She let out a soft moan, shifting her hips back harder. She started to move quickly, thrusting me in and out of her, propelling my length deeper inside of her.

My eye went wide as I let out a small grunt, pulling my face back to watch her. She stared straight at me, passion and fire mingling in her eyes, causing them to sparkle whenever the morning light caught them.
She moved her hands up until she was grasping my shoulders firmly, applying pressure until I laid back on the bed.

Leaning over me further, Jespin moved her body faster; in long, needy movements.
Her mouth parted slightly as I gasped, feeling myself falling over the edge. I wanted to grab onto her, feel her under my hands; but I didn’t want to hurt her. Instead I reached out with one hand, grabbing onto the edge of the bed and squeezed.

She swayed on top of me for a minute longer, catching her breath as a small smile appeared on her lips. I grinned back, grabbing onto her and pulling her down against me.
She didn’t try to cover herself as I rolled over, on top of her. I looked down at her body; finally feeling like I could stare without upsetting her - unlike last time.
She reached down, grabbing onto my half-hard dick; rubbing her thumb along the top of it.

The action in itself caused me to freeze as I glanced down at her hand. I looked back up at her as she licked her lips, oblivious of my stare.
Finally looking up at me she began to apply more pressure; rubbing and massaging until I was hard again.
She let go and pushed me onto my back, crawling up in between my legs and taking my member back in her hands.
She directed me into her mouth and I closed my eyes, sighing deeply as her tongue began to dance around the head of my cock.

Apparently Mario had been right; she was not the same person anymore - not entirely. I was yet to decide whether or not that was good…

#50 - Unbeautiful

2010-01-04T15:25:00.000-08:00

Unbeautiful - Lesley Roy

I was numb as I walked beside Alex through the airport. The last couple of days had passed by in an indefinable haze; like my brain was moving in slow motion.
I had thought a lot about everything since the night I had found out what the world thought about me.

It was such a strange thing, knowing that I wasn’t the person I thought I was; at least not on the outside. My physical appearance had never been that big of a deal before; I wasn’t totally satisfied with how I looked, but I definitely wasn’t ashamed of at. At least I hadn’t been until now.

Alex had spent the whole time trying to reassure me that no matter what anyone said, it wouldn’t change how he felt, but I couldn’t believe him. I couldn’t bring myself to trust what he said.
He was trying to protect me, he wasn’t going to come out and tell me that I was ugly; that he deserved better.

“Jespin please, don’t do anything rash ok?” He whispered as he walked me through the terminal gate.
I nodded mutely, causing him to groan. “Baby please? You’ve hardly said anything in two days… say something!”

“Something.” I sighed, turning around to face him. He looked down at me, giving me a weak smile.

“I wanna be with you Jes. You. Don’t get home and forget that, ok?”

“I won’t forget.” I agreed, allowing him to pull me into a tight hug.

I clutched onto him harder and longer than I normally would have; I had made up my mind. This would be the last time I saw Alex, at least in this way - the next time we came face-to-face, he wouldn’t belong to me anymore.
He could feel it too, he shot me a pleading glance as I was ushered through towards the plane.

I allowed one last look back at him as I walked away. His hands were stuffed into his pockets and he was staring back at me with a fierce intensity in his eyes; he knew.

I was an idiot, a fool for believing we were unbreakable. I truly believed that no matter what happened, nothing would ever be able to tear us apart, but I had been wrong.
It was ridiculous to believe that love could conquer anything, a fairy tale, an unrealistic dream.

There were lots of things that I could tell myself to make me feel better; ’if you love something let it go’, ’all good things must come to an end’, ’it is better to have loved and lost’…
None of it mattered. None of it could take away the aching that I felt inside of me.

I kept reminding myself that this was going to be better for everyone. Alex would move on and maybe this time he would find a nice girl; someone that loved him and would be better suited for his world.
I would go back home and try to forget about the horrible things people said, even if it was fruitless; I would still try.
I liked to believe that I was being selfless, but I knew better, I was being totally self-centred.
Sure, I was backing away so that Alex could move on to something greater than me; but I was also running away from the hurt.
I viewed the last week in Russia as one last, wonderful, memory. Like the giant party that follows graduation; something to remind you of all the reasons you missed it - but something that told you it was time to move on.

When I got home, I told dad not to worry about the press conference; that Alex and I had decided it was better if we just ended it now, before it got out of hand.
He just nodded, giving me a small smile; but I could tell he didn’t believe me, just like Alex he knew the truth.

“Can I come in?” I looked around to see Sidney walking towards me, smiling timidly.

I nodded, rolling over onto my back. “Looks like you’re already in.” I chuckled quietly as he crawled onto my bed beside me.

We stared at each other, not speaking for a long time. It was almost humours, just how much had changed between us in the past year. “I slept here you know… after you left, every now and then.” He laughed quietly, looking away from me.

“You use to sleep in my bed? Why?”

He shrugged, glancing back at me. “I missed you I guess. It made me feel like you were close… like you were with me…”

“Sidney…” I sighed, wondering what I could possibly say to stop this conversation.

“I know.” He said quickly, before I had a chance to speak. “I know that you don’t want to do this right now… maybe you don’t want to do this ever but… I just thought it was only fair to let you know that I’m still not giving up.
Mario thinks that you left Ovechkin because of what was being written about you, and I know people would write stuff if you were with me… but it’d be different.”

“It’d be worse.” I said simply, not even wanting to imagine what people would say if Sidney Crosby ever had a girlfriend.

“No, it wouldn’t. People expect different things from me Jes. Ovechkin is suppose to lead the rock-star lifestyle; fast cars, expensive clothes, lots of women… It wouldn’t be like that with me.
People don’t want to see Sid the Kid out drinking and hooking up with models, they wouldn’t hate on you for being with me. At least not in the same way that they’d hate on you for being with him.” I sighed softly, feeling emotion lump in my throat. I rolled over onto my side, away from Sid.

“I really can’t do this right now Sidney…”

“I know… just… keep it in the back of your mind ok.” I nodded as I felt the bed shift beside me, and Sidney’s weight disappear from it.
I listened as he gently shut the door behind him, leaving me alone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Iris - Goo Goo Dolls(Cover)

“Just tell me what you need?” I said softly, listening to Jespin breathing on the other side of the line.

“I don’t think I can do this…” She said slowly, pain evident in her voice as she exhaled deeply.

I nodded to myself, not expecting any less. I had given her, her space after she left; hoping that maybe if she calmed down she’d realize that I really didn’t care what people said about her - I was wrong.
I could tell that this was the end, and that I wasn’t going to be able to change her mind, or chase after her.
This was her choice. She had seen how cruel people can be and she wasn’t ready to deal with it; it wasn’t like I expected her to put up with their shit - it just hurt that she believed them over me.

I thought about saying it now, telling her that I loved her and that this would end me. All I wanted to do was to be worth her, but I was afraid if I told her I loved her, she’d hate me for it - think that I was only saying it to make her stay. I could take a different route, tell her she was right... it was better this way.
If she asked why though, it would mean coming clean about the real reason behind Sergei’s accident, revealing my true colours to her.

“I’m sorry that they hurt you Jespin.” I said finally, after waiting to make sure that I could trust my voice. I was positive that I wasn’t fooling her, there was no mistaking the emotion that was burning through every word I spoke. “I’m sorry that it ended like this.”

On those words I could hear a sob escape her, confirming to me that I was doing the right thing. Right now it was just some people sitting at home saying bad things, and it was getting to her; if we carried this out then eventually it would filter up to the mass media - that would be a million times worse.

I could feel my resolve slipping as her sniffles became louder and I fought with myself to get off the phone. “I’ll see you later Jes…” I had so many things that I wanted to tell her, so many things that I needed to say to her but there was no point now. Every confession I made would only hurt her more, and that was the very thing that I was trying to prevent.
I said the only thing that I could think of, the only thing that made sense. “No matter what happens… tee ma-ya sud'-ba.”

My dad and I watched from the living room as the Penguins came back in game six. It was hard to watch, even when dad assured me that it would be my turn next year.
I kept hoping that the camera would show Mario’s box, begging internally that I would get just the slightest glimpse of Jespin. When they finally did show it, I couldn’t help but feel stupid - of course Jespin wouldn’t be there.
Mario wasn’t about to parade her around and risk someone recognizing her as the same girl that I had been with only a week before.

And had it really only been a week since I let her walk away? I nodded to myself, it was painful when I realized just how slowly time had been moving. Without hockey and Jespin, I was running out of reasons to get up in the morning.

It hurt even more to know that I could have given her everything she wanted. That I could have spent all my time with her and loved her everyday of my life. Even if she didn’t want to be with me anymore, for whatever reason, she was always on my mind; and I knew I’d never get her out of my head.
I didn’t want her to go, and I still couldn’t believe that I had given her up.

Every time I wanted to call her, or hop on a flight and go find her, I remembered the last time that I saw her; the last day she was here.
The more I tell her I cared about her, the more pain she was in; her smile began to dim every time I came around.

#49 - Who’s That Girl?

2010-01-03T16:00:00.000-08:00

RANT! lol
**Someone mentioned on the last update, that Alex still has a brother that's alive; yes, I know.
Please keep in mind that this is a fictional story, and as such, it excludes things that are real, and creates things that aren't.
Mario Lemieux also doesn't have a daughter named Jespin... but obviously for this story, it worked out that way.
Having Alex as the only living child in his family, will play into the future of this story, and added a differnt feeling/dynamics for the relationship he has with his family.

If I was going to base this story on facts completely, there wouldn't be characters for it... that's the point/fun with fan-fiction, you can write whatever you want.

I'm sorry to rant... I just wanted to make sure that people keep that in mind when they read this. These stories are meant to be fun and entertaining... if you want 100% real, you probably shouldn't read fan-fiction in the first place.

Cheers!**

Breakdown - Jack Johnson

For someone who didn’t speak a word of Russian, Jespin already had my parents wrapped around her finger. I wasn’t at all surprised though, she had the same effect on me; always had.

It was amazing how quickly everything had fallen back into place; how easy it was to forget everything that had happened in the past week and just move forward. I was more than ready to put this behind us, and she wasn’t pushing me for any information on Sergei.
Of course things were different, I knew we’d eventually have to go public at some point; and that was going to a shit storm for sure.

Alex Ovechkin the Washington’s leading man, dating the daughter of Mario Lemieux; Pittsburgh’s original Golden Boy.
I shook my head whenever I thought about what this was going to mean for Crosby and myself; the comparisons were bad enough in hockey. Now I was going to have to deal with the whole ‘why would she pick him over Crosby’ debate - something I was not looking forward to.

Of course it was a small price to pay; the happiness I felt when I was around her was worth almost anything. I looked over at her as she sat beside me, in the restaurant; her soft black hair falling down around her bare shoulders.
I grinned as I looked across the table at my parents; my dad was retelling the story about the time he was skeet shooting behind the apartments with my uncles. They had run out of disks so they ran back inside and started using the vegetables from my mom’s porch garden; she was still bitter about it.
Although Jespin couldn’t tell what he was saying, she still laughed at his expressions and actions.

My saving grace was that she couldn’t follow along whenever they went into embarrassing stories about me as a child. She still laughed, but I managed to maintain at least some of my dignity.
Our order came and we ate in moderate peace; or as peaceful as it could be with my dad there.
That was the difference from the America and Russia; here everyone still knew me, but the Russian people were less likely to come up and ask for autographs and pictures.

My parents left before us; my mom was going shopping and bringing my dad with her, Jespin and I were going to go sight seeing.
We left the restaurant and headed for the arena where I use to play hockey.

Even though it was almost June, there was a game going on when we got there, a group of guys - maybe fifteen or sixteen - were skating back and forth across the ice. “You guys play all year, yah? I wish I could have seen you when you were like that…” Jespin laughed from beside me, pointing down at one little boy who was celebrating the goal he just scored.

I rolled my eyes as he hugged his team, poking her in the side. “I was pretty fantastic.” I laughed as she snorted.
I wrapped my arm around her, tugging her against my side and kissing her lips gently.
We stayed like that, embracing for a long time before I finally pulled away.

“I’m glad you came…” I said softly, nuzzling my face into her hair.

“Me too.” She sighed. “I’m just sorry that it came to this…”

I nodded. “Yah but, now you’re here and you get to spend time in Russia… the greatest country in the world.” She snorted again as a smile broke out across her face.

“We’ll see what happens when the Olympics come…” She laughed, leaning against me.

I wrapped my arms around her and glanced around as he continued to watch the game from beside the ice. Something felt off. I couldn’t put my finger on it, but I was getting a bad feeling.
I moved back and grasped Jespin hand in mine, tugging on her until she turned and followed me. I wasn’t sure what my problem was, but I needed to get out of this building.
It was when I turned around that I realized what my problem was; news reporters. I glanced back at the ice trying to figure out why there was so many of them; must be some up and coming kid out there… I thought as I looked back around.

Whatever their reason was for being there, it had changed now. They were all focused on me and Jespin; cameras flashing as I started moving again, pulling her down the stairs and outside of the arena.

“What’s going on, Alex?” Jespin huffed as I sped up into a sprint, trying to put as much distance between us as possible.

“Shh… just wait, come on.” She didn’t ask anymore questions after that, allowing me to steer her back towards the house.

“Ok… can you tell me now?” She asked as she flopped down on the couch, pulling her legs up underneath her.

I walked over to the computer desk, flipping open the internet page for one of the popular Russian gossip sights. “Alex?” She whined, “what is it?”

“Reporters, cameraman… it’s gonna be everywhere soon. Fuck Jespin, I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry about wha-”

“They saw us.” I snapped, cutting off her question. “There were reporters there and now they have pictures of us making out… they’ll get posted everywhere and eventually someone is going to make the connection.” I sighed, turning back around to refresh the page.

“Well…” She said slowly, walking over to me. “I know this isn’t how we planned it but, they were going to find out anyway, right?”

I nodded slowly. “Yah but, I should have released the information in a press conference… you’re not just some random girl Jes. This is gonna piss a lot of people off… I’d ask if you were ready for that but, it’s a little late now.”

We sat quietly for a few minutes as I refreshed the page again. “Are you mad at me?” She asked softly, drawing my attention away from the computer.

“No. No baby, I just… I wish that this was going to be easier.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Unwell - Match Box 20

Alex was right. Faster than I would have thought possible the Russian news sights were over-flowing with pictures of Alex and I embracing.
By supper time it was on the news, and when Alex checked the internet before bed; it was swarming with forums wondering who I was.

Luckily, no one had seemed to figure out yet that the girl kissing Alex Ovechkin was the daughter of the Pittsburgh Penguins’ owner.
I wondered how long it would take for them to make the connection; how long it would take for the story to break in America.

I tried to push the thought out of my mind; tried to focus on the positives - like the fact that Alex and I were back together. Or the fact that everyone knew the truth now, and everyone was ok with it.
I suggested that it might be better if we hung out in his house, just lay low for a while; but Alex suggested that the damage had already been done.

I was planning on heading home to catch the last few games of the finals; it looked like it was probably going to go till at least game six. Alex wouldn’t be returning with me however. He wasn’t interested in watching the rest of the play-offs, and I couldn’t really blame him. Plus, I’d be spending so much time with dad and the rest of the Pens that I wouldn’t get to see him too much anyway.

“They know you work for the Capitals.” Alex said as he walked into the kitchen; where his mother and I were making cookies.

“What? How do you know?” I asked, gasping as I did so and earning a startled look from his mom.

He shook his head and sighed. “I was back on the forums… the pictures of us from the rink are now being compared to a video still from that night in the locker room… remember?”
I nodded my head slowly as Alex hurriedly whispered to his mother, who waved away his concern and he laughed humourlessly. “She still doesn’t get why it’s such a big deal.”

“I should probably call dad… let him know what’s going on…” I walked away from the kitchen and into the living room, pulling out my cell phone and plunking myself down in front of the computer. I couldn’t read what anyone was saying, obviously, but I knew how to get to Google.
I typed in ’Alex Ovechkin’ and ’girlfriend’, clinking on the first link that came up. There were several of the same pictures over and over again; all of them were of me and him.

I started to read some of the things people were saying, as I punched in my home phone number. “Jes?”

“Hey dad! Did you-” I began, but he cut me off.

“When are you coming back?”

“I was going to leave in a couple days… why?’

Pause. “Have you been on the internet lately?”

I scrolled down on the mouse, moving the screen so I could continue reading. “Yah… I’m on right now.”

My dad sighed, sounding sad and distressed. “I think maybe you should just come home for a little bit, wait till the playoffs are over and then we’ll release a statement. I just… I don’t want anymore pictures of you guys coming out yet… they’re close to making the connection now, we need to beat them to it.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t see why this is that big of a deal…”

“Jespin listen. If this doesn’t come from me, then people are going to assume that I don’t approve and that’s just more crap we’ll have to deal with. I’d give a statement and explain what’s going on now but, I don’t want to do that to Sidney-” I started to interrupt him, wondering what Sidney had to do with this, but he pressed on. “- think about it Jes, this is going to be Sidney’s crowning glory… he’s going to win, I can feel it. The last thing that I want to do is have the media over-looking his achievement because of this relationship. Will you just give me until this is over? Then I promise we’ll work this whole thing out.”

I sighed. It was pointless to argue or try and make sense of what he was saying; I knew that Alex would probably agree with him anyway. As adamant as my father was about doing this properly, Alex was even worse in his quest to keep everything hush-hush.
We said our goodbyes and got off the phone, but I stayed in front of the computer reading.

‘There’s no way Ovie is dating her! He could have any girl he wanted, why would he pick a dog?”

‘Who knew Ovechkin liked fat chicks? She must have just been a night-stand or something…’

‘I say it’s photo-shopped, no way, NO WAY would Alex Ovechkin date her… she’s not pretty and they’re saying that she’s not even Russian’

‘And here I always thought Ovie had taste!’

‘Where’s that hot blond girl he use to date… at least she was something to look at… I heard that this one is like a janitor at the Verizon Centre or something.’

I knew that I should have stopped reading, but I couldn’t help myself, I had to see what else they were saying.
I was so enthralled in the forums that I didn’t even notice the tears overflowing my lids; or that Alex was standing behind me. “Jespin?” He said softly, his hands gently resting on my shoulders. “Jes, stop… don’t read that shit.”

“I… I…” I sputtered, unable to do anything else but turn around to look at him.

He looked devastated as he pulled me off the chair towards him. “It’s not true, none of that is true. It’s what jealous people do when they have nothing worthwhile in their lives, ok?” I couldn’t do anything except cry. “Jespin look at me.” He grabbed onto my chin and tilted my face towards him. “You’re beautiful and you know it… they don’t know anything about you…”

“There’s a hate club!” I managed to choke out, glancing back around at the brightly lit screen. “They don’t even know who I am but there’s a hate club.” Alex sighed, pulling me against him.
I pressed myself into him, holding onto him tightly as I tried to make sense of everything.

I knew I wasn’t the prettiest girl ever, but was I really a dog? Obviously my parents weren’t going to tell me that, and neither would my friends… maybe what a stranger said was a better indication…
If they’re right… if everything that they said is right… then Alex should be with someone better. I had believed that because I loved him I was what was best for him; but it wasn’t like no other girl was capable of loving him. There were lots of other girls that could love him - girls that deserved him.

#48 - Granite and Hope

2010-01-02T15:00:00.000-08:00

**Let me just say... in case anyone picks up on it. I already know Jespin can't read Russian... we're gonna pretend the paper is in English. Just go with it... allow me a loophole haha**

Together - Kina Grannis (Starts for real at 1:40)

Alex’s parents had to be the nicest people I’d ever met; I had no idea what they were saying to me, but we seemed to get along incredibly well.
He wasn’t home and I wasn’t sure if that was good or not; the last thing I wanted was to cause a huge scene.

His mother seemed to know who I was instantly, as soon as she had pulled the front door open she had smiled at me, pulling me into a hug and ushering me inside.
His dad had taken my bag upstairs, probably assuming that I was here as Alex’s guest. I didn’t know how to tell them any different, so I just sat with them and listened to them watching the evening news.

“Hockey!” His dad grinned, excited to us an English word that he knew. He reached out to mess up the top of my hair as I focused on the screen. The Russian announcer was saying something about Alex, showing video of him skating around the ice; devoid of passion. It was then that I realized it was showing the last game against the Penguins.
I felt my heart falter as I remembered everything that had happened that last week. If only I could go back and change everything, maybe things would be different.
Maybe I would still be here, but here because he wanted me to be and not because I was chasing after him.

It was late and I could only assume that his parents were saying goodnight to me. His mother looked worried, and I could tell that every time she picked up her phone she was calling him, wondering where he was; I was wondering the same thing.
His mom murmured something to me, sounding like an apology, as she showed me down the hallway. I followed, surprised when she flicked on a light and we were standing in Alex’s room.
She gave me a pat on the back before turning around and leaving me standing in the empty room.

I shook my head, not sure what to do now. Alex wasn’t here and apparently know one knew where he was or when he was going to be back. I didn’t want to continue to stay in his house under these false pretences, but I also couldn’t just take off and leave without explaining anything to his parents.
I sighed, deciding that I would stay, but not on his bed.

I changed into a nightgown and pulled the comforter off the bed, planning on cocooning myself in it like always.
I was about to settle in, when a picture caught my eye.

I got up and began walking around the room, staring at the different pictures and trophies.
There was an older boy in a lot of them, clearly this was Alex’s brother Sergei; the family resemblance was uncanny. I smiled as I watched them grow up before my eyes. Family dinners, Christmas, hockey games, playing around outside.
Sergei was clearly a lot older, but he seemed to be Alex’s confidant; smiling adamantly from beside him through the years.

Then they stopped, not the pictures but the friendship and the smiles. Alex’s carefree youth was gone, replaced by a forlorn looking young boy. Suddenly I realized what Oksana meant when she said that Alex ’had’ a brother.
Something had happened, a sickness, an accident, whatever it was; Alex’s brother was gone.

It began to make more sense when I found an old newspaper article resting on top of his dresser. It was the only thing out of place. The rest of the room was like a shrine for everything wonderful and exceptional in Alex’s life; hockey everywhere.
This article wasn’t about hockey, it was about a car wreck from 1995. The black car was unrecognizable in the paper; just a jumbled mess of twisted steel and broken glass.

I sat down on the floor as I scanned the small black letters, trying to make sense of the tragedy. A nineteen year old Sergei was driving into town, when he lost control of his vehicle.
Ice. Just ice. That was the reason listed here; poor weather. He had been doing everything right, no indications of alcohol or speed playing a factor in it, just a freak accident that took the life of a young man.

Tears formed in my eyes as I re-read the article, trying to imagine what it was like for Alex to live through this. He would have been young, nine or ten when he lost his brother and best friend so unexpectedly.

I looked away from the ageing paper as my mind wandered back to happier times in Washington. Happier times for me, but had they really been happy times for him?
I remembered with a fierce rush, all the time I had driven places with Alex. The complete disregard for speed limits and traffic signs. He drove without a care, pushing the limits with his car, in the same reckless way he played hockey.
It didn’t make sense. If his brother was killed in a car wreck, why would he be so irresponsible and wild when he drove?

I laid down on the floor, wrapped tightly in the comforter. The article was resting on the night stand beside me; I couldn’t bring myself to put it back. I had to keep reading it, trying to find something in it that might explain why Alex was the way he was. There was something I was missing, something that I couldn’t see.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Somewhere Out There - Our Lady Peace(Cover)

I decided that it was probably time to go home. Pushing myself away from the granite tombstone I stood up, sticking my hands in my pockets as I walked away from my brother’s grave.
I could feel my phone in my pocket, vibrating incessantly as I moved through the night. It had been daylight when I had walked through the cemetery gates, now the moon was high and I could only assume how worried mom would be.
It’d been a long time since I’d been here.

I hopped into my car, slamming on the gas as I drove through the familiar streets. I gunned it along the back roads, picking up speed as I wove my way through the dark.
I came to a screeching halt outside of my parent’s home. Slamming the car door behind me before I ran up the walk.

The house was dark inside and I checked the clock, it was after 1AM. My parents were usually always in bed by ten, so I wasn’t surprised to be the only one awake.
Heading up the stairs I tried to be quiet, keeping my head down as I passed Sergei’s closed door, unable to even look at it.

I quietly opened my own door, gently shutting it behind me as I turned around and headed further into my room.
The first thing I saw was the twisted car frame of the accident, staring back at me from the bedside table; the moonlight filtering through the window to illuminate it.
I gulped audibly, unsure as to who would do this. What kind of sick fucking joke… my mind began to turn. I glanced around noticing for the first time that the newspaper page wasn’t the only thing out of place.
My bed was unmade, and the comforter was on the floor. I bent down, listening.

I moved onto my hands and knees, crawling towards the far end of the cotton shell, trying to stay as quiet as possible. I exhaled when I realized that it was a person; Jespin.

I glanced back up at the nightstand, realizing that she was the one who had moved the article; she knew.
I couldn’t make sense of any of this. Showing up at my house to press Crosby further was one thing, following me all the way to Russia…

Without being able to help myself I moved closer. I laid down on my side, reaching out to trace the shape of her face with my fingertip. “Come all the way to Russia to sleep on my floor?” I whispered, just loudly enough to wake her out of her restless sleep.

“Huh?” She sighed, opening her eyes to meet my gaze. “Oh.” She gasped, sitting up quickly, “I didn’t… I’m sorry I didn’t know that you wouldn’t be here and then I didn’t just want to take off in case your parents didn’t know where I went cause they have no idea what I’m saying.” She breathed quickly, her words slurring together as she pressed to get them out.

“Why are you here?” I asked quietly, unable to take my eyes away from her.

She bit her lip and looked away, her eyes brimming with tears. “I- I came to find you.”

I nodded. “I know that, but why?”

“To apologise, to tell you that I was sorry…” She sighed, the motion moving her entire body as she shook her head. “I don’t know Alex. I just had to come… I couldn’t let you leave.”

I sighed, finally pulling my eyes away from her. “So… you’re really not with Crosby then?”

“No.”

“You don’t want to be with him?”

“No.”

I nodded again, finally looking back at her. A small smile began to creep on my face as I reached out for her, grateful when she threw herself into me.

I held onto her tightly, allowing myself to finally believe that maybe she wasn’t using me, maybe I had been wrong.
After all, my ideas didn’t make a whole lot of sense given the fact that she was here now. I kissed the top of her head, my face finally breaking into a grin as I felt hope filter through me.

I manoeuvred her around in my arms, standing up with her and placing her down on my bed.
I pulled off my shirt and kicked off my jeans, crawling in beside her. I allowed myself to relax as I felt her skin against mine; pressing into me.
It was so easy to forgive her for not telling me the truth; if the truth now meant that she wanted me and only me. I supposed that I was always wanting to forgive her, as long as it was for the right reasons.
Now that she was here and everything was finally starting to make sense again, it was easy to laugh about what had been my devastation only minutes before. “Anything else I should know about you before this goes any further?” I quipped, glancing down at her.

She grinned back up at me, stretching until her lips were brushing against mine. “No…” She whispered gently, her voice breaking slightly as one of her thick tears dropped on to my arm.

#47 - Goodbye/Hello

2010-01-01T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hallelujah - Jeff Buckley(Cover)

I sat in the middle of the floor, surrounded by bags of clothing and other crap that I was taking back to Russia with me.
My team-mates had left long ago, all finally giving up on me and heading back to their respective homes. It wasn’t that I wanted to push them away, it was simply that I didn’t give a shit anymore. About anything.
Well, that wasn’t true; there was one thing, but she didn’t give a shit about me.

And there it was, I had done it again. It’s was like telling yourself not to think about the colour red; you can‘t help but see red. I fought my hardest to keep Jespin out of my mind, but everything kept coming back to her.
My house wasn’t safe, Washington wasn’t safe, hockey wasn’t safe. Russia wasn’t safe either - not with all the memories of Sergei - but at this point, those memories were almost preferable.

A knock at my front door forced me onto my feet; compelling me to do something other then wallow in self-pity; at least for a few minutes.
I pulled it open, fully expecting to see Greener, but it wasn’t. It was the only person and the last person I wanted to see. Her.

“You’re going to Russia?” She asked, her voice stabbing through me like a rusty blade, twisting into an already fatal wound. I nodded, looking away from her. “And there’s nothing I can do to stop you?” I shook my head, wondering when the gloating was going to start. “When do you leave?”

“Tonight.” I said, my voice raw. “I leave tonight.”

“Don’t.” She sighed, her perfect lips falling into a frown as her thick lashes attempted to bat away the tears that were now pooling in her lids. “Don’t go.”

I wasn’t consciously aware that I was moving until I was clutching her against my chest; my lips fighting for dominance as I kicked the door shut behind her.
Whether it was the words she spoke or my body acting under direction of my heart and no my mind; I didn’t stop.

I pulled her further into my house; the gaping whole in my chest sated for the time being.
Her arms wound around me and I clutched at her desperately; like a drowning man to a lifeboat. We dropped down onto the floor, a jumbled mass of twisted limbs and tears.

I pulled off her clothes before I could even comprehend what she had been wearing, throwing my own off before I moved back down on top of her.
She didn’t say a word as I frantically made love to her on the hardwood floor; all my important belongings creating the walls of the dream like world in which she clung to me.

It wasn’t out of need or revenge. It wasn’t out of vengeance or retribution. The only explanation I had was love. I loved her so much that this, this love was the only thing I could comprehend.
It didn’t matter how bad the repercussions would be, or how much it was going to hurt when she went back to the man that she loved; for these few minutes she was mine.
For these few minutes we were the only two people in the world and she loved me, just as wholly as I loved her.

I wasn’t sure why she was letting me pretend like this, for so long. She must feel that bad for me… I decided as I watched her sleeping on my bed, wrapped up in my comforter like she always use to do.
I glanced at the clock, knowing that I was going to have to leave soon. I sighed, rolling away from her as I sat up; moving towards my closet.
I pulled on a t-shirt and jeans, never taking my eyes away from her sleeping form; not even when my phone vibrated on the bedside table. “Yah?”

“You ready man? I’m out front.”

“Sure Feds, I’ll be down in a second.” I said, flipping my phone shut as I stowed it away in my pocket.

Knowing that Feds was waiting for my downstairs, brought me back down to reality faster than anything else. I listened as I heard the front door open and he began to pull my crap out to his car.
They wanted me gone just as badly as I wanted to go. It wasn’t that they hated me, or they didn’t understand what I was going through; but they were worried, that was what they all kept saying.
They were worried about me and wanted to make sure that I got away for a while; took some time off and relaxed.

I shook my head as I walked back towards the bed, leaning over to gently tuck a strand of hair behind Jespin’s ears. There would be no relaxation when I got home; just distance and safety. I would still feel the pain and the burn; both of which were already beginning to grow in the pit of my stomach as I glanced down at her.

It shouldn’t be this hard to walk away, not from someone who doesn’t want you. It hurt now, to look at her and wonder where Crosby had put his hands, possibly hours before me.
It would have been easier to never know her; to have ignored her and continued on my merry way through life never knowing that love like this actually existed; but there was no going back now.

I kissed her on the forehead, sighing as I pulled myself away. It was all I could do to sneak out; I couldn’t face her. With a deep breath I turned around and headed towards the door. I stopped on the threshold, allowing myself one last look at the person I was leaving my heart with. “Goodbye Jespin.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Slow Goodbye - Leslie Roy

I rolled over; sad, but not surprised to find the bed empty beside me. I glanced up at the clock and realized how late it was.
My first thoughts were of Alex, and where he’d be by this time; wondering whether or not he still felt anything for me at all. It was easy to pretend that the answer was yes. The way he had held me and kissed me made me almost believe that he had forgiven me; but he was still gone, and I was still alone.

I was sure that going to Alex’s house and having sex with him wasn’t exactly what my dad had in mind when he’d told me to go and be happy; but Alex hadn’t thrown me out, that had to count for something.
Of course he hadn’t said a single thing to me. I took that at face value, wondering if it was because he had nothing to say, or he just didn't know where to start.

I could keep chasing him, and I probably would; but at some point I was going to have to realize that I couldn’t make him love me if he didn’t. And he didn’t.

I sat in the airport, wondering how this was going to go. I had called dad before I bought the ticket, telling him what I was planning to do; he had remained calm and collected through out our conversation. He asked only that I call him when I arrived, and that I stay safe.
I sighed as I pulled my legs up underneath me, shifting in the uncomfortable airport chair as I watched the men loading luggage on the runway. I smiled to myself as I looked down at the ticket in my hands. This is without a doubt the craziest thing I’ve ever done… I shook my head, reaching for my phone.

“Keisha here! Sorry I couldn’t make it to the phone… leave a message and I’ll call you back if I feel like talking to you!” I rolled my eyes at her voice mail as I waited for the beep.

“Hey Keisha… it’s Jes. I was just calling to let you know that I’m sitting in the airport… going to Russia, apparently. Umm… I don’t know how long I’ll be but, I’ll give you a call later on.” I sighed, hanging up and stowing my phone back into the pocket of my pullover.
I had gone through the conversation last night with Keisha; running over the pros and cons of me going to find Alex.
I had his address from Semi, so it wasn’t like I wouldn’t be able to find him; my biggest problem was going to be the fact that I didn’t speak any Russian.
Well, that and I wasn’t even sure if he wanted to see me.

Some people might say that I was out of my mind, there was no reason for me to be doing this to myself, or to him. But I needed to know without a doubt that it was over.
I had no idea what Alex was thinking. After talking to Mike I knew that he was still under the impression that I was using him to get Sidney jealous; I was determined to find a way to show him the truth.

I owed him a million apologies, but I was completely ready to give each one, as long as I could get him to talk to me this time.

It wasn’t until we were touching down in Moscow that I realized I was out of my fucking mind. Moscow? Moscow!? What kind of crazy person follows a guy to Russia? No not just a guy… a guy that hates me!
For the first time in my life I had no idea what to do. Do I just turn around and go back now - am I actually in Russia? How did they even let me get on the plane for such a stupid reason? Why did no one stop me!?

I groaned as everyone started getting up. “Shit…” I sighed, grabbing onto my purse and following the crowd off the plane.
I don’t fucking speak Russian! How am I going to get a fucking cab!? This was the very last time I ever did anything on impulse, ever. EVER.

Suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks; Alex was not the only Russian I knew. I started to laugh, delirious with relief, as I pulled my phone out. The roaming charges were going to kill me, but it was worth it if- “Hello?”

“Oksana! Oh my god, thank god. Where are you?”

“Home… what’s up Jes?”

“I’m in Russia! Do you mean home like… Russia home?”

She started to laugh and I couldn’t help but giggle along. “Yes I’m in Russia… I’m heading back to the states soon for the finals but… why are you here? Where are you?”

I told her the whole story - although she already knew bits and pieces from Geno - then I told her what airline I had taken, and she hung up; assuring me that she was on her way.

“You’re a fucking life saver! Ugh! I don’t even know what I was thinking…” I groaned as I climbed into the front of her Ferrari.

“You weren’t.” She chirped, rolling her eyes as she cautiously pulled out onto the highway. “But, that’s not your fault, that’s what love does to you.”

I snorted, watching the dark brick building roll by outside. “Right love…” I allowed my mind to wander, zoning out as a random Russian pop song poured out of the speakers. “Oksana… how did I screw up so bad?” I asked softly, pulling my eyes away from the window to glance at her.

She furrowed her brow, pouting her lips slightly. “I don’t think you screwed up that badly… I think that Alex just has a hard time depending on people. I mean, after Sergei… it was just hard for him, you know?”

“Wait. Who’s Sergei?”

“Alex’s brother.” She said slowly, glancing over at me.

I bit my lip. I guess it shouldn’t have surprised me that I didn’t know a whole lot about his home life, he never really talked about it much. “He has a brother?”

“Had a brother.” She corrected me, shaking her head as she pulled the car onto the curb. “Looks like you weren’t the only one keeping a secret.”

I twisted my face, trying to find meaning in her words. I reached for the handle, planning on continuing this conversation once we were inside her place. “Aren’t you coming?” I asked as she watched me get out of the car.

“Why would I go into Alex’s house?”

My mouth fell open as I pulled myself back in her car. “Why are we here?!”

“You flew all the way to Russia, to talk to him. So go talk to him. I don’t live far from here anyway… if things go bad… call me and I’ll come get you.” She shooed me out and I grabbed my suitcase.
I watched her drive off, leaving me standing on the sidewalk, clutching onto my bag. I turned around once she was out of sight, glancing at the large brick house behind me.

#46 - A Father’s Love

2009-12-31T15:00:00.000-08:00

Never Never - Kina Grannis

“Sidney, I’m sorry.” I said quickly as he walked in through my door. I was sitting at the kitchen table, fully expecting my dad to follow in after him; but Sidney shut the door behind him.

He stared at me hard for a minute as I wrapped my fingers around the bottle of Coke I was drinking. “Ok.” He said finally, walking over to my fridge and pulling the door open.

“… what?” I asked, my mouth dropping as I stared at his back.

“You said sorry, I said ok. You’re forgiven.” His face reappeared a second later, grinning, as he clutched a plate of left-overs. “Are you gonna eat this?”

I shook my head as he placed the dish in the microwave. We both waited in silence until the dinger went off and he carried it back over towards me; taking the seat next to me and digging in. “So… just like that, we’re ok?”

He shrugged as he shovelled forkful after forkful into his mouth. “Obviously, I would rather you date someone other than Ovechkin but… there’s no reason why we wouldn’t be ok.”

“Oh.” I said softly, waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Are you positive? Cause I did go behind your back and-”

“Jes! I’m not mad. I still like you, I still want you to be happy and… I guess I’ll just… wait and hope that things don’t work out. In a non-asshole way, I didn’t mean for that to sound like that.” I shook my head, waving away his concern as happiness and relief flooded my face.

“Thank you…” I sighed, throwing my arms around his neck as I giggled excitedly. I pulled back and looked up at him, he looked confused. I laughed a bit as I sat back down. “I just… I thought you hated me and, I haven’t talked to dad yet and Alex isn’t speaking to me so-”

“Ovechkin’s not talking to you?” Sidney asked, grunting as a grin crossed his face. “Why?”

“Because I lied to him… he didn’t know anything about you or Mario and, I don’t know, he’s mad at me.”

“Well, you kinda lied to me too and I’m not mad at you. Clearly, we get along better.” I bit my tongue at that remark, not wanting to fight with him so soon after he’d forgiven me.
I had a feeling that Sidney would be making remarks like that for a long time, but that was ok. He wasn’t mad at me, and judging by the way things were; Alex wouldn’t be around for much longer anyway.

“So where’s my dad?” I asked as Sidney and I sat on my couch watching highlights from yesterdays’ final game of the Pen/Capital series.

“Umm… he went back to Pittsburgh with your mom earlier, she wanted to get back to make sure that the kids were ok.” I nodded slowly as he spoke, wondering just how upset dad was. “He’s not mad at you either… by the way.” He added as he saw the pain cross my face.

“How could he not be…” I said slowly, shaking my head. “I totally disrespected him Sidney.”

“I think he gets it. I mean, at least he seemed like he did. He doesn’t think that you’re ashamed of him or anything, he just…” Sidney shrugged, giving me a reassuring smile. “Seriously Jes, it’s ok.”

I sighed deeply, closing my eyes as I rested my back on the couch. “I need to see him…”

“Then let’s go.” He said simply, causing me to look up.

“What?”

“You wanna see him. You’re done of school. The Capitals are done - thanks to yours truly - and, there’s no reason why you shouldn’t just come home with me!” Sid grinned, pushing himself off the couch and grabbing for me. “Come on!”

“I can’t just take off Sidney!” I groaned, glancing around my apartment.

He rolled his eyes, tugging on my arm still. “I don’t mean for good but, come on… celebrate with me!”

I couldn’t believe that I had let him talk me into this. I suppose in a way it was good, I needed to get out of Washington for a bit; go back home and try to find some way to make things up to my parents.
I watched the lights of the city disappear behind me as Sidney drove slowly through the darkening night.

It would only take us a few hours to get home; and I was both excited and anxious at the same time.
It’d be nice to get away from things for a while, but I was worried about the reception I would get. What if they didn’t want to see me? What if they kicked me out?

I couldn’t believe that I had lied about my dad now that I thought back on it. It wasn’t like I had done it was malicious intent, or with the purpose of hurting him; but that’s what I had done - no matter what Sidney said.
My parents had never been anything but wonderful to me, and they didn’t deserve to be hurt.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Lost - Michael Buble

I sat beside Nathalie, my arm resting around her shoulders as we watched another episode of Hoarders. “Mario, maybe we should call her?” She asked softly, gazing up at me as I raised my eyebrows at her.

“I thought you had the utmost faith in Sidney.” I chuckled as my scrunched up her face at me. “Those were your words after all… they’ll be fine babe. Sidney said he’d call when he left.”

“And he should have left hours ago! He’s going to be driving back in the dark Mario, go call him and make sure everything‘s ok. What if he hit a moose?”

“A moose?“ I sighed rolling my eyes as she pouted up at me. I unwound myself from around her and groaned as I pushed my body off the couch.

“Geezer.” She quipped as I rubbed my back, heading into the kitchen.

I snorted “Geezer… I’m not the one with grey hair.” I laughed as she yelped behind me. “Don’t worry about it… you’re still fairly attractive for being seventy-something.”

She muttered something behind me, but I couldn't make it out as I headed off the landing; I stopped in my tracks as car headlights flashed in through the window. “He’s home babe!” I called, turning around and heading towards the front door.
I pulled it open, surprised to see Jespin’s car parked in my driveway. She got out of the passenger seat, and even in the dark I could see how flushed her face was. I gave her a small smirk as I walked out on to the porch, watching her walk towards me slowly; her steps, small and timid.

My smile widened and I tried not to laugh as a look of complete shame and sadness spread across her face. “Jessie.” I cooed, reaching out for her.
She fell into my arms and began to sob, her apology almost indistinguishable as she pressed her face into my chest.
I laughed heartily before kissing the top of her head and steering her towards the front door.

I turned around as I felt Sidney move behind us; thanking him with my smile as he nodded in return, his eyes never leaving Jespin.
Poor kid… I sighed, recognizing the tenderness in his gaze. He was in love, completely; and there was nothing I could do to ease his pain.
As much as I would love for things to work out between the two of them, Jespin needed to find her own way.
I knew that that didn’t make it any easier though; and if Alexander Ovechkin was really what she wanted, then we were in for the battle of the century. Once the press got a hold of this, it was going to be everywhere.

“Jessie, it’s ok.” I sighed, leading her towards the couch as Nat glanced over her shoulder.

“JESPIN!” She screamed, jumping up and pulling our daughter away. They embraced warmly before they both plunked down on the couch.

“Mom… I’m sorry.” She sighed, finally getting her emotions in check. “I should have… I didn’t mean… It’s not…” She sputtered, unable to find the right words to say what we already knew.

“It’s ok Jespin, we know.” I grinned, sinking down on the cushion beside her. “It’s ok.”

“Hey dad, what are you doing?” Jespin asked softly, walking into my office, a cup of coffee clutched in her hand.
She was still wearing her PJs as she headed towards me, her hair dishevelled from tossing and turning the night before.

“Austin got me that facepage thing a few days ago. I’m ‘liking’ things…” I explained as I clicked around the page.

“You’re what?” She giggled, coming to stand beside me.

“Ummm here look…” I said, pointing to the screen. “Maxime updated his status to say ‘Is a superstar’… Jordan commented on it and said ‘you suck’. So… I agree with Jordan, and then all I have to do is hit this little link here… and now Max knows how I feel about him.”

She shook her head at me, her eyes still focused on the screen. “Why don’t you just tell him?”

I sighed, laughing slightly. “It’s technology Jespin… it’s what all the cool kids are doing! Anyway, what can I do for you this morning?”

She bit her lip, moving around to the front of the desk to sit down in one of the empty, leather chairs. “Umm… I just wanted to tell you that I was sorry… again.” She sighed, glancing up at me. “I didn’t lie to hurt you I just… I don’t know. I felt so alone the past couple days… like everyone hates me.”

“No one hates you Jes, and you’re never alone.” I reached out across the desk to squeeze her hand. “Baby, there is nothing in this world you could do that would ever make me love you less. Except date a Flyer, that I couldn’t tolerate.” I smirked, causing her to grin back. “So… do I get to officially meet your boyfriend now?”

She groaned, leaning back in the chair. “We’re not… he’s still not talking to me. It’s probably better this way anyway, I mean, it wouldn’t have worked out.”

“I don’t believe that.” I said quietly, causing her head to snap back up.

“Why?” She asked incredulity, tilting her head to the side.

I exhaled loudly, glancing around my desk at all the pictures of her on it. “You’ve never been that kid Jespin. You were never the one to give up or stop trying. If you wanted something bad enough, you worked until you got it… why would this be any different?”

“Mike Green says that Alex is planning on going back to Russia soon… there’s not a lot I can do to stop that.”

“Stop it, no. But he can’t stop you from going…” I said simply, smiling at my logic.

“Dad! Are you trying to encourage me to chase after a boy into a foreign country?” She laughed, her eyes full of disbelief.

“I am suggesting nothing of the sort…” I said slowly, trying to hide the grin on my face. “But you aren’t going to stop until you get what you want Jespin, and as long as that continues to be him then, you need to do what it takes to be happy.” I watched her for a long minute as she stared off into space, debating in her mind. “Besides, whatever happens, you have a family to come home to… that’s all that really matters.”

#45 - Nothing

2009-12-30T15:00:00.000-08:00

Yes, this song IS in the New Moon movie... No, I did not know it at the time that I picked it... don't judge =P lol

Meet Me At the Equinox - Death Cab For Cutie

The phone went to a dial tone, and I finally hung it up. I couldn’t believe that that had just happened, how was it possible that even Beth was angry at me?
Of course she wasn’t really mad at the fact that I was dating Alex - or had been - and had lied to everyone about it; she was mad that I hadn’t told her.
‘We’re suppose to tell each other everything, and you didn’t think that was important enough to mention?’, she had hissed when I told her what had happened the night before.

I had called her because I needed someone; someone to talk to, someone to figure things out with.
Now I didn’t even have Beth. I had nothing.

I left out a long sigh, staring out at the back parking lot as I sat, defeated, on the stairs. I watched the cars driving past the gates, heading off to their destinations as I sat unmoving, no where to go, no one to talk to.
Almost no one. I grinned slightly as I saw Mike pull into the parking lot, pulling his Lamborghini into an empty spot before hopping out.

He saw me instantly, giving me a huge grin as he jogged towards me. “Hey Jes, what are you doing here?”

“What are you doing here? I thought you guys had the day off…?”

“I just came to workout, suppose to be meeting Brooks at the gym. So, what’s up? You look like shit… no offence.” He added sheepishly as he sat down beside me.

I bit my lip and turned to look at him. “You don’t know?” He shrugged his shoulders, still staring at me with expectation. “Alex found out about my dad. About Sidney.”

“Shit, how did that happen?”

“They ran into each other last night…” I explained, not wanting to go into detail about the worst night of my life.

“Huh. You think he would have called to tell us something about that… where is he anyway?” He asked innocently, looking around as if he was expecting Alex to pop out from behind the garbage bin.
I closed my eyes and looked away as I felt heavy tears forming under my lids. “Jes?”

“He’s gone. I think he broke up with me.” I sobbed, feeling Mike’s strong arm slid around my shoulders, hugging me against him.

“What did he say?” He asked softly, rubbing his hand along my arm.

I shrugged, the tears finally falling freely down my cheeks. “I don’t know he just… he left and… he won’t answer my calls…”

“Ok well… I’m sure it’s not that bad. I mean really, Ovie’s gonna realize that this isn’t that big of a deal. It’s not like you were cheating on him or something… you just… left out a few details about your dad. That’s not so bad.”
The way he said it made it seem so simple; and I almost believed it was going to be ok. Until I remembered the look on Alex’s face when he left.
I shook my head, trying to make him feel the devastating effects that last night had had on our relationship.

Mike pulled out his phone and hit a few numbers before holding it up to his ear. “Ovie? Yah… what happened last night?” He asked as I sat up, staring at him with wide eyes. “So… well… I think you’re over-reacting. So what? Are you mad about Mario or Sidney?
Uh… how do I know about Sidney?” Mike looked over at me, an apologetic look on his face. “Jespin sort of told me a while ago… who she was…
Look Alex, it’s not that big of a deal. Ok! I’m sorry I didn’t tell you but that doesn’t…” He let out a loud sigh, shaking his head as Alex’s voice cut crossly through the phone. “Whatever, fine. I’ll talk to you later.” He snapped his phone shut and glanced at me again.
“I think he just needs to cool off.” He said finally, giving me a sad smile. He pulled me back into a hug and we continued to sit in silence.

“Do you ever feel like there isn’t a single person in the entire world that loves you anymore?” I asked quietly as Mike walked me to my car; after finally having decided it was best if I wasn’t here when Alex showed up.

“Jes-”

“No Mike, it’s true. Alex, dad, Sidney… why am I so selfish?”

He shook his head, hugging me on last time. “You’re not selfish and they all still love you… they just probably need some time I mean, this is kinda big.” He chuckled, releasing me and pulling open my door.
“I’ll talk to him, alright? See if I can’t talk some sense into him. You take care of your dad. Just remember that he’s your dad so… he has to love you on principle.” He said smugly before closing my door for me.

I groaned as I watched him jog back to the VC, hoping that this conversation wouldn’t be the death of me.
I couldn’t possibly talk to Sidney about it today, but I could try and patch things up with dad; I probably owed him the biggest apology of all.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Hockey Night In Canada - Pens vs. Caps

I knew what Mike had been trying to do, but it didn’t have any effect on me; I already knew that I needed to let Jespin go, give her what she wanted.
I needed to focus on tonight, at least try and make it look like I wanted to be here.

Normally hockey had always been my sanctuary, the ice, the fans, the game; tonight it felt like hell. It all reminded me of her.
Jespin had taken over almost every part of my life, changing it, and now there was no going back; it was like being haunted.

I skated past the Pens bench and felt all their eyes following me. I could see Crosby out of the corner of my eye; he looked like a man with something to prove - as if he hadn’t already stole the most important thing from me.

We were being crushed. Apparently the entire Pittsburgh team felt the need to dominate the game; although it wasn’t too hard to dominate a game when the other side didn’t want to win. Or at least I didn’t want to win.
I just wanted to get away from here, from this place, from everything that reminded me of her. I needed to go back home; the only part of my life that she hadn’t managed to filter in to.

Everyone was angry, yelling at me, but I didn’t give a shit. I was numb and I preferred it that way. “What the fuck is wrong with you tonight Alex?! Get out there and DO SOMETHING!” Coach screamed at me as I felt his hand slam into the back of my helmet.
I hopped out of the bench and on to the ice; glancing at the clock. There was still eight minutes in this game and I wasn’t sure I could make it.
I hated being around Crosby; hated watching him touch the puck and skate past me.

My mind was screaming at me to stop him, to knock him out. I wanted to inflict pain on him until he was physically able to comprehend the suffering that was consuming me; but I couldn’t.
Some where out in that crowd of black and white was Jespin; and I couldn’t stand the thought of hurting her. If I took Crosby out, she would be upset, and even though she wasn’t mine anymore; I didn’t want her to be upset.

Our Cup run was over, and that meant only a few more days till I could go home. I’d have to come back once for the NHL award show, but other than that I could hide out in Russia until the start of next season.
Hopefully putting an ocean between us would help ease the pain; it was a fruitless thought, but I couldn’t stand to think about the long months I had ahead of me.

I answered the media questions quickly, without my usual flare; trying to sneak out the back before anyone noticed. “Not so fast!” I groaned as I turned around to see Brooks and Greener following me.

“Fuck off guys, I’m not in the mood.”

“Jesus, since when did you become such a fucking pussy?” Brooks spat, glaring at me as they moved forward.

I sighed and shook my head. “Just stop Brooks.”

“No I won’t stop! We just lost that fucking game because you’re off in ‘Everyone-Feel-Sorry-For-Ovechkin Land’. Some of us would have liked to make it to the finals you know?” I shrugged, turning back around. “Why won’t you just go talk to her?" Brooks pressed on. "You’re both moping around, like always. This always happens… one of you does something wrong and then you’re both too stubborn to do anything about it."

"And we’re the ones that have to pay for it.” Greener added, softer.

“Look. There’s no point having this conversation with you. She already made her choice… I have to respect that.” I said, taking a deep breath.

Brooks cursed again, shaking his head. “First off, she’s not with Crosby, Mike already told you that this morning. And second, since when the fuck do you respect anything?”

“There’s nothing I can do-” I started to say, taking another step towards the exit, but Brooks cut me off.

“Umm… yah there is. Go get your woman! Fucking Christ. Go club her over the head and drag her back to your cave, or whatever the fuck it is you people do! Just stop feeling sorry for yourself.”

Brooks shrugged at Greener, both of them looking proud of themselves. “That it?” I asked sarcastically, reaching out for the door.
They nodded, and I pushed it open, letting it slam behind me as I headed towards my car.

#44 - Traitor

2009-12-29T15:00:00.000-08:00

Breathe - Sia

It was just before game 6 of the Penguin/Capital series, and the Penguins were winning by one game; if we lost tonight, we were out.
I stood in the visitor’s hallway of the Iceberg, waiting for the guys to head out onto the ice; also waiting for my dad.
I knew he was coming to visit me at some point, the only question, was when.

I debated telling Alex the truth about me before the game, but I decided against it. By some miracle of god no one saw the two second clip of me on SportsCentre; I wasn't about to bring it up now, not if the shit hadn't already hit the fan.
I was going to have to tell him, I realized that now. I would tell him as soon as the series was over; as soon as he was done playing against Sidney for the summer.
I would tell him, and I would face the repercussions head on - praying for the best.

“Hey love, what are you doing?” Alex asked as he came up behind me, startling me as he wrapped his arms around my waist. I froze in place as I shifted my eyes back and forth down the hallway… this was not good. He was fully geared, ready to head out onto the ice.

I sighed softly as I rested my head against his chest. “Just getting ready to head out… are you ready to play?”

“Ready to win.” He grinned back. I shook my head at the complete confidence in his voice; I wish I felt that confident right now. He let out a sigh as the Caps started to file out of the locker-room. “Let’s get going… need my baby in the box with me.”

He grabbed my hand, pulling me out towards the ice behind him. “Oh! I forgot something… I’ll meet you in the box!” I stretched up to give him a kiss on the lips; turning quickly and running back down the hall. The last thing I needed was to walk hand and hand out with Alex…

“Hey! There she is!” I pulled up short; almost running right into dad as I rounded the corner. “Where are you going in such a rush?”

“Umm… just forgot something in the locker-room…” I lied again, starting to panic as I shifted uncomfortably. “I gotta go!” I took off again, running past my dad and flying through the locker-room door.
I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my nerves as I counted to 10 Mississippi. I slowly pushed the door back open and headed towards the ice.

It wasn‘t getting any easier, watching Sidney and Alex play each other; it felt like I should be over the worry by now, but I wasn‘t. I shook my head softly as the game started and Alex dove over the box, skating straight towards Sidney.
Coach B paced beside me as the period went on, mumbling to himself as the play intensified.
And it was an intense game, a hard game. It’d expected no less though; Sidney and Geno always felt the need to try and outshine Alex - of course now it was all out on the line - do or die.

We were able to make a come back, winning game six and securing a game seven on home ice.

I had snuck down to say hi to dad and the guys while Alex was changing, running back in time to catch him before he knew I was gone.

“Hey baby! Ready to head home?” He asked as I pushed my way into the locker room.

“Yah, let’s get out of here…” I agreed hurriedly, hopping that we’d be able to sneak out of here before anyone saw us.
Alex grabbed my hand and pulled me out of the locker-room after him, he rushed down the hall; trying to avoid the media. I didn’t try to stop him, I wanted to be out of here just as badly as he did.

“Hey! Let go of her! Just cause she works here doesn’t mean you can put your fucking hands on her!” I froze as I heard Sidney’s voice snap out from somewhere behind me.
Through wide-eyes I started up at Alex as he stopped walking too; his face mingled with a mixture of confusion, anger and shock.

He looked down at me, then back up at Sidney. Apparently deciding that I was in some kind of danger he pulled me protectively behind him; taking a step in front of me to shield my body from Sid, completely. “Don’t try and tell me what to do… I can touch my girlfriend whenever I want and it’s none of your business.”

“Girlfriend?” Sidney spat, his voice dripping with venom as he started to emit a bark-like laugh. “Yah, cause Jespin would date you!”

I groaned softly, resting my forehead on Alex’s back; I need to say something now, before this escaladed any further. “I am… I am dating him Sidney.”

Alex grinned in triumph for a minute - at my proclamation - before his face fell back into confusion. He looked back and forth between Sidney and I, as I moved to stand beside him. “Why does Crosby care if you’re dating me? … how do you even know him?” His eyes strayed to me; accusing for the first time.

“It’s not what you think-” I started to say before Sidney cut me off.

“How do you know me? Please… the only thing that Ovechkin cares about is getting his name spread around even more - it’s not enough for him to have ability, he wants the celebrity that goes along with it… he’s using you Jes. He's using you for your name, and to get under my skin...”

“Shut up Crosby! Don’t stand there and pretend that you know anything about me… and if all that bull was true; why would I go after Jespin? That doesn’t even make any sense.” Alex sneered back, his arm wrapping around my shoulder; pulling me against him once again.

“Hey Sid! We’re getting ready to-” Jordan came around the corner, stopping in his tracks as he saw Alex’s body wrapped around mine. “Whoa… what’s going on?” I groaned softly as Max, Bill, Tyler and Chris came around the corner too, stopping just behind Jordan.

“Let’s go…” I said softly, grabbing onto Alex’s hand and tugging on him. He gave one last glare at Sidney before allowing me to lead him down the hallway.

“Jespin?” I skidded to a halt; my entire body locking into place as my father’s voice slammed the wind out of me. I turned around slowly - facing him - as he came to stand beside Sidney. “What’s going on?”

I opened my mouth to say something, but I wasn’t sure what. How do I fix this now? Ok… not a big deal… I took a deep breath and looked over at Alex. “Ovechkin’s using Jespin to try and get back at me.” Sidney spat before I had time to get any words out.

“What?” I wasn’t sure who had said it first, but the question was stated by more than one person.

“That’s not true Sidney!” I whined, tightening my grip on Alex as I did so. “He doesn’t… he didn’t know…” I said slowly, quietly.

“He doesn’t know what?” Dad asked, walking towards me; until he was close enough to reach out and gently grab my shoulder.

“He doesn’t know… that you’re my father.” I felt Alex stiffen beside me as I watched comprehension and sadness cross my father’s features. “I’m sorry…” I whispered, not really sure who I was actually apologising to. My dad nodded, turning around to face Sidney.

“He didn’t know… so… he’s not using anyone…” He said slowly, directing his words at Sidney - who’s face was now a deep shade of angry red. He turned back around and gave me a kiss on the cheek. “You’re mom wants you to stop by the hotel sometime tonight, alright?” I nodded slowly as he turned around, motioning for the rest of the guys to head out.

We stood there, hand in hand, watching them disappear before either one of us said anything. “Alex…” I whispered softly, breaking the silence as I turned towards him. “I’m so sorry I know I should have-”

“Why was he so mad?”

“Who?”

“Sidney… why was he so mad that you were with me?” I sighed softly, hoping that Alex wouldn’t have picked up on that. “You had a thing?” He asked, answering his own question.

“Not really…” I sighed again, reaching out for his other hand. “Not like this anyway.” He nodded slowly. “Not like this.” I said again, firmer this time as I closed the gap between us.

“Did you use me… to piss him off?”

“No!” I yelled, reaching out for him. “Sidney had nothing to do with this Alex…”

He dropped my hand and staggered back a step. “I need to go… I need to think about this-” He brought his hands up, running them through his damp hair. Suddenly, his calm demeanour broke. “What else did you lie about? Fuck Jespin! I didn’t even know your last name!”

“I know… I know, I’m sorry.”

“I don’t know… what else did you lie about?”

“Nothing! Alex listen.. Anything that I ever said about us, or about the way I feel about you… that was all true.” He turned around and headed down the hallway, not waiting for my explanation; leaving me stunned. “Alex… no, wait!” I cried out, taking off after him. “Please, I know I should have told you but… I didn’t- I just wanted-” I groaned, internally cursing myself for being so stupid. He shook his head, refusing to look up at me; turning around and taking off again. “Please! Alex… I love you.”

He stopped walking, his hands on the handle of the emergency exit. I heard him exhale loudly, his body noticeably dropping as he looked back over his shoulder at me. “A few minutes ago I would have believed that… a few minutes ago, that would have meant the world to me…” he said softly, before pushing the door open and letting it slam shut behind him.

I stood alone in the hallway, hot tears cascading down my face as I stared after him, feeling like a complete traitor. What now?
Alex was mad at me because I lied to him, Sidney because he felt cheated, Dad because I hurt him. In a few minutes I had managed to chase everyone that mattered out of my life. What now?

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Make This Go On Forever - Snow Patrol

Jealousy. How did I not see that one coming? I had been used for money, used for fame, and used for a free ride. Why not jealousy? Why wouldn’t someone use me for something that simple?
I felt angry tears stream down my face as I raced through the dark streets, paying no heed to traffic lights as the night passed by in a blur.
It was pretty simple why I didn’t see it coming; I trusted her. I fucking trusted her and she lied to me; it felt like blatant treachery.
She lied to me about everything, and I was stupid enough to believe her; stupid enough to want to believe her.

I should have seen the signs, I should have known. I wasn’t good enough to deserve someone’s love; and yet I fell into her trap, I allowed her to use me.
And Crosby had her first. Out of every single guy in the whole world it had to be fucking Crosby.
I yelled, slamming my hands down on the steering wheel as I hit the break. I pulled off in front of a bridge, stepping out into the rain after wrenching the keys out of the ignition.

I jogged out onto the overpass, not stopping until I reached the middle. I leaned over the edge, resting my face in my hands as I allowed the truth to wash over me.
The worse part was that I still loved her, no matter how much I denied it, I knew it was true. Jespin was the first person I had ever trusted since Sergei died, the first person I had allowed myself to become attached to; the one person that had made me feel good, for the first time in forever.

And it was all a sick joke now. I had hidden the truth and kept my feelings inside, to protect her, and she had been lying the whole time.

It was nothing that I didn’t deserve, nothing that I hadn’t earned. “Is this what you wanted?” I screamed at nothing in particular. “Is this what I get? Karma? I take his life and you take the only thing that matters to me?” I let out an angry hiss as the tears began to fall again. “I fucking lost him too! Even if it was my fault, I had to live without him… I had to live my life knowing what I did!”

I shook my head, taking a deep breath as sobs began to rock through me. “Not her…” I choked out. “Please God, if you exist… take anything… but don’t fucking take her.”
There wasn’t even anything productive I could do. This was her, she was the one that had chosen to lie to me; she was the one that used me to get Crosby jealous.
I wonder if it worked. I wonder if she was with him right now, laughing with him, touching him.

I wanted to kill him. I wanted to punch him in his over-rated head until I felt better.
It didn’t even matter any more what people said about us as competitors, I knew the truth now. Even if I could beat him on the ice, he’d already won. He had Jespin, she loved him and not me.
She had probably always loved him; it wasn’t like I could blame her, what girl didn’t want Sid the Kid? The fucking wonder boy.

In that moment, my mind tried to force her memory out, but my heart clutched on to it. With each word, smile, touch, kiss, laugh that I remembered; my body fought against itself, forcing her out; inadvertently pushing her down deeper inside of me.

I made up my mind. She had made her decision and I wouldn’t punish her for it, I had lied to her too; even if I had lied for different reasons.
Crosby could have her, he could do whatever he wanted with her; after all, she wanted him, so why would I try to stop it?
Fuck, if he wanted the Stanley Cup he could take that too, it didn’t matter anymore.

Not without her.

#43 - Wardrobe

2009-12-28T15:00:00.000-08:00

The Real Thing - Gwen

“Ugh! What do you want?” I groaned, trying my best to mask the smile in my voice as Alex jumped on top of me.
I was wrapped up tightly in the blankets of the bed, unable to move as his body weight spread out across me.
It was a lazy day off - a rarity as of late - and I was looking forward to spending the entire day in this same position. Nothing but my Pjs, some junk food, old movies and possibly Alex; as long as he promised not to mention the word ’hockey’ to me.

“It’s my bed…” He reminded me as he sat up and tugged at the blankets. “I don’t need an excuse to be here. Now, you on the other hand…” He chuckled, finally finding a chink in my bedspread armour; wedging his way in beside me.
His legs entwined with mine as his arms enfolded me, squeezing me against his warm chest. I smiled to myself, unable to hide the feeling of giddiness that washed through me every time he held me like this. “So… do I have the pleasure of your company all day?”

“Mmm… that depends…” I turned slightly to grin at him. “Are you planning on pissing me off today?”
He sighed, pulling his face into a look of deep concentration; as if seriously trying to figure out the answer to that question. I started to laugh as he grimaced, “should I go grab you the magic 8 ball or…”

Rolling his eyes, his grinned; bending his head down to brush his lips against the side of my face. “I want you to stay… if that means I have to take a vow of silence for the rest of the day… I will.”

“Hmm… you… not talking?” I stared incredulity at him, allowing my mouth to fall open slightly. “I’m liking the sound of that!”

He grunted as he started to roll away from me, reaching for the bedside table. “Ugh! Alex, you’re breaking up my cocoon!” I whined as his movements caused cool air to find me; sending goosebumps down my exposed skin.

He laughed in response, rummaging around through the drawer some more before rolling back into me. Grinning he held up the magic 8 ball in his free hand. I rolled my eyes in retort; for someone who was so sure of himself, he sure liked to use that stupid thing a lot. “Will I get laid… right now?” He asked in a mystical voice, shaking the fortune-teller in his hands.

“Shouldn’t you be asking me that?” I asked smugly, causing him to snort.

He stopped shaking and held the tiny writing towards him. “Wicked!” He smiled, tossing the ball down towards our feet. “Outlook good…” he said confidently, rolling back on top of me.
I started to laugh, fully intending to push him away and give him a hard time; but I couldn’t - not when I saw the sincere look of contentment that was on his face.

He brought his lips down to mine; his movements languid and relaxed as he shifted on top of me. I sighed into the kiss, wrapping my arms around his neck and gently twining my finger through his hair.
“Ya lyublyu tebya…“ He mumbled softly against my lips, causing me to move my lips off of his.

“What does that mean?” I asked, curiously as he pulled back to stare down at me. “You’ve been saying that a lot the past couple days.”

He didn’t answer me, looking away instead; leading me to assume that it was something horrible, something he didn’t want me to know he was saying. “It’s nothing.” He finally said turning back to face me. “Sometimes… I don’t even know I’m saying it most of the time… it’s just a Russian thing, no big deal.” He shrugged, giving me a small smile.
I wanted to believe him, but there was something else in his face that made me want to press deeper; a burning that shone intently in his eyes.

I knew that I could have argued with him, could have gotten him to tell me - or at least I liked to think so. I didn’t want to fight though; today was a day for relaxing and enjoying each others company - not arguing.

He wanted to go downstairs and watch Sports Center, I refused; our compromise ended up being us on the couch - me still wrapped tightly in his comforter. He laughed as he watched high lights of himself, and all I could do was roll my eyes. “You’re the most vain person I’ve ever seen… you know that right?”

“With looks like this? Of course, if you looked like this, you’d be the same way.”

I sighed, a grin spreading across my face. “Well, if I ever get in some kind of horrible freak accident and become disfigured, I’ll let you know.” His mouth fell open as he looked down at me, laughing.

“Oh so, I’m vain for watching myself on TV? I hate to see what’s going to happen to you…” He grinned nodding towards the television.

I laughed and looked over, the colour draining off my face as I saw myself hugging Alex in the locker-room after his win against the Penguins in game two. “Oh shit…” I breathed, sitting up to get a better view.

The picture changed and the reporters went on talking like the world hadn’t just ended. “I know… I told you I’m way better looking than you!”

“My dad… my dad watches Sports Center…” I managed to choke out, tearing my eyes away from the TV to look at him.

He shrugged. “You’re dad also almost caught us having sex… I think that’s worse than this. Besides, he knows you have a boyfriend… is he really going to be that mad that you’re dating a Capital?”

I had two options. Either pretend like this didn’t matter, or tell him the truth.
I wanted to tell him the truth, I hated lying to him and I loved him, it felt foolish to hide anymore; but there was always the chance he’d be so mad that he’d leave me.
Pretending seemed like a - holy shit. Did I seriously just think that? Did I seriously just admit that I loved Alex Ovechkin?
I took a gasp of air, turning to look him in the eye. “You’re right… I’m just being silly.” I said finally as his eyes began to fill with concern.

“You sure?” I nodded, leaning over to kiss him gently on the lips, feeling his worry melt away as his tongue swept through my mouth. “Mmm… what were we talking about?” He asked quietly as I laid back down.

“I think you were talking about how fantastic you were…” I giggled, trying to forget about the image of myself on TV.

He nodded seriously. “Yah, that sounds about right…”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Girl I Wanna Lay You Down - Jack Johnson

“We should go away somewhere… seriously… just take off.” I commented as we laid on the couch that night, enjoying our last night of stress-free relaxation.

“Where?” She asked, yawning slightly as glanced over at me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know… south.”

“You might need to be more specific than that.” She giggled, stretching her arms out above her head.
On reflex I jabbed my fingers into her side, causing her to squeal as I ruined her stretch. “Jerk…” She grinned once I finally let her go.

“You know… I can’t deal with that.” I said, shaking my head as I pointed at her shirt.

“Why, you don’t like mad Max?” She said, giving me an evil grin as she rubbed her hands down the ratty Talbot shirt she was wearing.

I shook my head, trying to look like I was seriously thinking about it. “No I don’t think I do…” I snapped out with my hands, my good reflexes beating her to her shirt. I grabbed at the flimsy fabric and pulled; careful enough to not hurt her.
The old cotton gave way under my hands, ripping open easily.

“Why do you always rip my shirts?!” She whined as I tugged the white shirt off of her. I laughed as I continued to tear it.

“There.” I said once it was completely demolished, throwing it down on the floor. “You look better like that anyway.” I added, nodding towards the white lace bra she was wearing.

“Gee, thanks.” She pouted, causing me to laugh as I grabbed onto her, pulling her down into my lap. Her stomach began to growl loudly and we both laughed. “Are you hungry?”

I nodded, allowing her to get up. “Wanna just go get some take-out?” I asked as I watched her head for the stairs.

“Sure, let me grab another shirt…” She laughed as she disappeared.

I was in the garage, leaning against the hood of the Lamborghini when Jespin found me. I glanced up as she walked down the garage stairs, wearing a short skirt and a fitted sweater.
She smiled at me as she moved to walk past me, aiming for the passengers’ side; she didn’t make it.

Something about seeing her long, smooth legs moving past me; had my mind completely discarding the idea of food. She sighed loudly as I pushed her down onto the hood. “I knew it! I seriously knew that I shouldn’t have worn a skirt…” She laughed as I stepped in between her legs, pulling myself out of my jeans.
I bent her forward until she was on her tip-toes; grabbing at the hood for support as my hands started to travel.
I slapped her roughly on her bare thigh as my other hand moved around to her front, gently rubbing my clit through the tiny cotton underwear she had on. I listened to her let out a quiet purr as her wetness began to dampen the material that was still covering her pink flesh. I grinned, slapping her ass hard before I kicked her legs open wide.
She started to whine with pleasure as I roughly pushed the blue cotton aside and pressed myself inside of her; grabbing onto her hair and tugging, until she was arched up against me.
She let out a loud cry as I filled her completely. “You like that baby?” I grunted as she murmured an incomprehensible string of words. “I can’t hear you Jes… tell me how much you like it.”

I started to slow down, taking long languid thrusts as I waited for her to comply. Normally I didn’t have the will power to hold off and tease her like this; but she was full clothed and I couldn’t see her facial expression - that helped a lot. “Alex no!” She whined, pushing her body back towards me.

“Tell me that you love it.” I grinned, coming to a complete halt as I cocked my head to the side, waiting.

She managed - with a dancers body - to turn around, moving her leg over my head until she was facing me; with me still inside of her.
She grabbed onto my shirt and pulled me towards her as she sat down on the yellow hood. “I love it when you fuck me, now fuck me.” She demanded in a seductive growl, biting onto my bottom lip as I groaned.
So much for teasing… I thought for a fraction of a second, before I shrugged my shoulders, deciding to oblige her.

#42 - Coward

2009-12-27T15:00:00.000-08:00

Hope For The Fallen Man - Relient K

After another win, the energy in the locker-room was contagious. Even Jespin was smiling as she enfolded me in her arms.
The guys were celebrating and making plans for our last night in Washington. We were heading to Pittsburgh for the next two games, but I could think of much better things to do with my last night at home. “Let’s get out of here…” I whispered to Jes, inhaling her sweet scent as I kissed the side of her head.

“You don’t want to go out with them?” I shook my head earnestly. I had become a party-pooper as of late.
Normally I was the first person out and the last person to leave; but all that had changed. I use to love the attention that I got everywhere we went, but now there was only one person that I needed attention from.
Knowing that Jespin was the only one I wanted, I almost dreaded going out. I had a tendency of getting jealous of everyone that was around us; anyone that looked at her or anyone that took her attention away from me.
I didn’t need her like a desperately clingy child; it was more of a certainty thing. I wanted Jespin forever; for every day of forever, and I had no use for other people any longer.

Jespin didn’t argue with me or try to stop me as I grabbed her arm, sneaking out the locker-room before anyone saw us. “So do I get to meet your dad?” I asked, remembering for the first time that he was somewhere in Washington to watch the game.

“Umm… he’s going to be leaving soon so… I don’t know…” She said slowly, I nodded, not totally upset.
I was looking forward to just going home with her and enjoying some alone time before we had to leave. “Congrats on the win, by the way…” She smirked as we reached the parking lot.

“Yah… I am pretty fantastic.” I agreed, opening the passenger door for her.

I walked around the front of the Hummer and climbed in the driver’s side. “Um, that’s not what I said…” She laughed as I looked over at her.

“It’s not?”

She laughed loudly, rolling her eyes. “No, not quite…”

We had lost our first game in Pittsburgh, our first loss of the series. The games sat at two for us, one for them; but I still wasn’t worried.
I knew that I was better than the Penguins; I knew that we were better than the Penguins. We had another game left here before we headed back home, and I was determined to win it.

Jespin had been disappearing a lot, spending time with her mother and father while I ran over drills and plays with the team and coaching staff. I was glad that she had something to distract her from this, and glad that she didn’t have to be alone; but I still missed her terribly.
I had gotten so use to her seeing her around the ice all the time, it was hard knowing she wasn't there to support me.

“So everything going good in paradise?” Feds asked as he started to undress beside me.

“Yah.” I grinned, as I allowed my mind to wander off. He didn’t press me for any more information, thankfully.
I thought about Jespin the entire time I got ready, wondering if I’d be able to see her tonight.
I didn’t want to take her away from her family, but I needed her too - especially going into this game tomorrow.

I gave her cell a call, getting no answer. I flipped through my contact list until I found her home phone number, giving it a try. “Hello?” A little girl answered.

“Hi, is Jespin there?” I asked, smiling as I tried to picture a tiny Jespin.

“Umm… yes she is, may I ask who is speaking?” She asked professionally, probably regurgitating the direct way her parents taught her.

“Sure, just let her know it’s Alex.”

“Ok… JESPIN THERE’S A ALEX ON THE PHONE!” She screamed, not bothering to pull her face away from the mouthpiece.

“Alex?” Jespin asked a few seconds later, evidently taking the phone away from her little sister.

“Hey babe! Can you come to the hotel tonight?” I asked quickly, unable to put on any kind of pretence.

“Ugh! I really want to but I’m kind of stuck babysitting… mom and dad are gone out on a ’date’ and Lauren left me. Austin's here but he’s not really…” She sighed, trailing off as the sound of something shattering came from somewhere behind her.

“Can I come over for a bit… or…?” I bit my lip, regretting putting her in that position.

She sighed again, and I could tell she didn’t know what to do. “Alright. Just for a bit, and only because I miss you.” She said quietly, causing me to grin.

Almost an hour later I was pulling up in front of a massive mansion surrounded by a huge yard. I shook my head as I got out of the cab, paying the driver before I jogged up the walk.
She opened the door before I had to knock, jumping into my arms with a grin. I sighed as I lifted her off the ground, taking a few steps through the colossal double doors. “So I assumed your parents had money but… fuck. What does your dad do again?”

“Old money.” She said quickly, pulling me up the stairs to her room.

“Where is everyone?” I asked as I followed her down the dimly lit, empty hallway.

She giggled as she led me through an open door into a big, expensively decorated bedroom. “I gave Austin money and sent him to the friend's, and my little sister is sleeping.” She explained as she flopped down on the bed.

I walked around the room, staring at all the pictures and posters that were on the walls.
“Who’s that?” I asked as I pointed to one girl that kept reappearing in pictures that spanned the years.

“Beth, my best friend. Or, was my best friend… we don’t talk a lot anymore… not since I moved.”

I nodded in understanding. “Yah, distance can do that to people.” I said softly, moving on to the shit ton of dance trophies in the corner. “Whoa! So you’re actually a good dancer…” I quipped, turning around the grin at her.

“Oh… yah…” She hopped off the bed quickly and grabbed onto my arm, pulling me away from the trophies before I could read the labels. “Wanna see?” She grinned mischievously as she pushed me down on the bed.

From her tone of voice, I had an idea of what she was getting at. I laid back, propping myself up on my elbows as her body began to sway.
In a matter of minutes she was pulling off clothing, all the blood in my body rushing south with due haste.
I watched her until I couldn’t stand it anymore; reaching out for her and grabbing onto her arms.
I shoved her backwards roughly onto the bed. She grinned up at me through her eyelashes, her perfect teeth dragging along her bottom lips; pouting. “Fuck” I groaned quietly, climbing onto the edge of the bed, pulling her legs open and trying to remain as silent as possible.
My right hand grabbed onto the thin layer of black lace; the only thing that was left on her. I pulled them off in one quick move before taking a step backwards.
Standing up at the end of the bed I fumbled with my own pants, shoving them down to my ankles before moving back to Jespin.

I grabbed her thighs and pulled them wide, tugging her down to the end of the bed. I bent down, digging my teeth into her stomach as she whimpered; her hands slamming down on my back - nails digging into my skin.
It was like a new game; pleasure and pain. The goal was to stay as quiet as possible, no matter what.

I moved down, tracing my tongue around the Y of pussy that was now in front of me. Gasping, her legs opened further, imploring me forward; welcoming me into the warm wetness that was already beginning to seep out of her.
I grinned to myself, plunging my fingers into her as deep as they’d go, while I drew a figure ’8’ around her clit; causing her to push herself against me.
I did - one of the many things that I did great - brining her off effortlessly before flipping her onto her stomach, grabbing at her hips and pulling her back up to me.

When I was completely spent I fell down on the bed beside her, both of us laughing quietly as our heart-rates returned to normal.
I was almost asleep when I heard a car door slam. Jespin gasped beside me and sat up, snapping her head around the see the time. “How the fuck is it one AM?!” She moaned, the front door opening downstairs, voices carrying up to where we were.

I hurriedly grabbed my clothing, tugging the different pieces on as I began to laugh again. “Don’t make me laugh!” She grinned. “I can’t believe I’m sneaking you out… oh god.”

“I feel like a rebel.” I chuckled. “Although, I never thought I’d be afraid of my girlfriends parents at the age of 23.” She rolled her eyes and gasped as foot steps moved towards her door.
I dropped down on the floor and rolled under her bed as she jumped onto the mattress above me and gathered the sheets around her.

“Hey babe.” Her dad said as he opened the door. “Did you have a good… are you naked?”

I suppressed a snort as I heard Jespin go ridged. “Umm… yah… it was really hot in here…”

“Why are your clothes everywhere? Actually, forget I asked… I don’t wanna know.” He laughed. “I’ll see you tomorrow morning… I love you.”

“Love you too dad. Tell mom I said goodnight.”

I heard the door close and I rolled out from under the bed, grinning at Jespin as she looked down at me. “Come here.” I whispered signalling for her to come off the bed.

“No! Alex… you have to go… I’ll drive you back to the hotel.” She whispered, getting off the bed.
I reached out and grabbed her leg, accidentally tripping her. She landed with a loud thump on the floor beside me; laughing softly.

“Are you ok in there?” Her dad yelled from the hallway.

“Yah. Fine. I just… fell off the bed.” She giggled, covering her face with her hands.

“Umm… you know, for someone who’s been in dancing since they were three… you’re awful clumsy.” Came the muffled reply, from the other side of the door.

x x x

The Scientists - Coldplay

The reporters were calling this the greatest series ever played. I was leading the Capitals and Crosby was heading the Penguins; together we were racking up the points, but I was finally showing the world what I already knew. I was better than Sidney Crosby. I knew it, and now they did too.

We lost our last game in Pittsburgh, and even though Greener couldn’t seem to shut Crosby down, it didn’t matter; I was untouchable.
Even on our bad games, I was still on.

I felt on top of the world, in a way I had never known before; in a way I never thought possible.
I had it all, but for the first time in my life I wasn’t afraid of losing it either.

I was making a run for the most sought-after trophy in the hockey world. I was doing amazing personally, and we were doing well as a team. On top of all that, I had someone to share my victories with.
For the first time in my life I felt like I had a soft place to land; someone that finally understood me.
Of course I was stilling hiding the worst of myself from her, but what else could I do? I wasn’t willing to risk loosing her.
The best part, was the thought of winning the Cup for her; bringing it home to share it with her. The victory would be that much sweeter because her arms would be waiting for me at the end of the day; knowing that, made all the difference in the world.

I still felt the pressures of the world on me; the critics, reporters, owners, coaches, fans - the weight just felt more distributed, more manageable.
I glanced at Jespin as she laid beside me, her head nestled into my shoulder as the plane flew silently through the night.

Whatever came over the next few days, even on the off chance that we didn’t knock the Pens out, I knew that I was going to be ok. I had Jespin, and that was more important than anything else.
She murmured in her sleep and I chuckled as I pulled her closer, resting my chin on the top of her head. “You’re so beautiful…” I whispered, glancing around to make sure none of the guys were paying attention to me.
“Jespin…” I whispered softly into her hair, gently running my fingers through it as she slept. “I love you. I love you and I’m sorry I’m too much of a coward to tell you that…”

It felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. I had always been hiding two things from Jespin; the very worst and the very best of myself.
The worst parts of me that covered my hands in blood, and the best that ratified everything good I had ever done in my life.

#41 - Differences

2009-12-26T15:00:00.000-08:00

Pretty Girl - DRH ---> I seriously love this song! I wanted to use it somewhere so I swung this update around to try and make it fit... hope you like it!

I had no idea what was going on with Jespin; what could possible cause her to react that way - to anything.
Sure she was stubborn and horribly frustrating but at the same time; she was usually more rational than that.
Whatever it had been, it seemed to be in the past now; at least I hoped it was; I hated seeing her in pain.

I had a photo-shoot with SI before the start of the series, and Jespin was beside me, riding shotgun as I cruised through the streets of downtown Washington. She was smiling and chatting away as I listened along, searching for a hint of sadness in her voice; there was none.

“Alright Alex, I think that’s gonna be it. Good luck with the series… hopefully you’ll be bringing the cup home for us.” I grinned as I moved away from the models around me to shake hands with the photographer, Adam.

“I’ll see what I can do.” I chuckled, grabbing a water bottle off the nearby table and making my way over to Jespin.
She was leaning back against the wall in the far corner, her arms folded protectively over her chest; self-consciously.
She didn’t notice me as I made my way to her, causing me to grin more. She looked beautiful, the lights above her illuminated her skin; giving it a mysterious glow as she shifted back and forth below them.
She was focused on something, her face creased with worry. I stopped walking and turned to follow her line of sight.

The blond, interchangeable models were laughing as they headed off the set; still dressed in their tiny, tight outfits.
I glanced over at Jespin and then once more at the girl, comprehension finally dawning on me. Could she really be worried about them? She’s way prettier than any of those girls…
I guess it only made sense for Jespin to be worried about it though, for whatever reason she seemed to be under the impression that she was something other than perfect.

I didn’t say anything as I walked up beside her. She was so focused on her own thoughts that she didn’t notice me as I bent down, planting a firm kiss on her cheek. “Oh!” She jumped, colour flooding her face as she looked up at me. “I didn’t see you there.”

“I noticed… you ok?” She nodded, like she always did, even in times like this; when there was clearly something wrong.
I set the water bottle down beside her before I wrapped one arm around her waist, tugging her towards me. My other hand sliding underneath her hair to grasp the back of her neck.
I pulled her face towards mine, kissing her passionately. I expected her to push me away but she didn’t, instead she answered with just as much enthusiasm; sending shivers through my body. “You’re beautiful…” I said gently as I finally pulled away, conscious of the effect she had on my body and the fact that we weren’t alone. “We have to get going.” I added when she didn’t say anything.

“You don’t need to tell me that.”

I tilted my head, not releasing my grip on her. “I don’t have to tell you what?”

“You don’t need to say those things to me…” She said quietly, blushing as she looked away.

I rolled my eyes. “You know what… you’re just as foolish as you are beautiful… and that’s a lot.” I let out an airy laugh, unable to fathom her words. She sighed, looking away from me; back in the direction that the models had exited. “You jealous?”

“No… not jealous.”

She had a fire in her eye, something familiar, something I’d seen the night before. Adding up her reaction to the other women and the emotional flip out of last night; things were starting to come together. “Jes… you know that I think you’re perfect, right? I love everything about you, everything. It doesn’t matter how you see yourself because well… you’re delusional.”

“Alex, I’m not delusional, and I’m not blind either.” She added, causing me to laugh.

“Jespin seriously… look at you.”

“I’d rather not.”

I rolled my eyes, unable to stop laughing. I could tell she was getting annoyed but it didn’t matter; she was being ridiculous.
I finally managed to calm myself down enough to hide my smile. “To think for one second, that you could possibly be anything less that breath-taking… frankly, is an insult to me and my fantastic taste.” I said genuinely, forcing her to look me in the eye.
In this second, there was nothing I wanted more than to tell her that I loved her, but I couldn’t.
I knew if I allowed myself to admit out loud what I already knew; I would lose everything. I needed to keep myself together, keep my feelings inside in order to protect her.
There had to be another way to make her realize what everyone else could clearly see. “Why don’t you believe me? You think I’m just with you for fun?”

She shrugged, biting her lip. “Why are you with me?”

Because I love you. “Because you’re everything Jes. Look, I‘m a nice guy but let‘s face it… I‘m not nice enough to date a charity case. If I wasn‘t attracted to you one-hundred percent, than I wouldn‘t be here.”

She nodded slowly, finally allowing me to move her away from the wall - we walked arm and arm towards the exit. “Are you sure you wouldn’t rather that?” She asked quietly as we passed some more of the SI models.

“Positive. Why have that when you can have the best?” She chortled quietly and I shook my head. “You’ve seen my ex girlfriends Jes, you know I’ve already been down that avenue, I’m not going back.
You’re just stuck with me now… so get use to it.” She finally cracked a grin and leaned into me.
I sighed, kissing the top of her head as we reached my car. I would probably never get use to the fact that Jespin didn’t see herself the way I did; but maybe it was for the best. After all, if she knew how I actually viewed her, she’d realize just how much I needed her; and my dependency was a dangerous thing.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Over My Head - The Fray(Cover)

Washington had won the first game of the serious, and I was conflicted. I had spent my entire life always cheering for the Penguins. They were my dad’s team, my family’s team, Sidney’s team, and I had always assumed that they were my team by default.
Watching the Capitals win was something else entirely. It felt like they were really my team; like I was actually part of it.
I was only a medical intern, but it felt like I had spent so long watching them fight for every win. I wanted them to win this, as horrible as that was.
I wanted to watch my team, the team that I was part of, win the games and take home the Cup.

Even though Sidney and I had made up after our fight and were back on a semi-good basis; I felt guilty again for cheering against him.
I almost felt like I needed to apologise, even though that was foolish. I knew if I went to see him I would never tell him that I was actually cheering for the Caps whole-heartedly, but I still felt compelled to wish him luck.

I headed through the visitor’s halls, searching for Sidney. Some of the guys were already out in the hall stretching and they waved to me as I headed by.
I finally saw Sidney through the locker-room window. He was sitting by himself taping his stick.

“Hey Sidney…” I said slowly as I pushed the door open. His hands stopped moving as his eyes snapped up to meet my gaze. “Oh… umm…” I began, trying to backtrack; I probably should have assumed that he was already in game mode.

“Get out.” He hissed, never taking his eyes away from me.

“What?” He was always crabby before the games but, he’d never bossed me around before.

“You can’t be in here wearing that. You need to get out.” I glanced down at my shirt and realized that I had probably just screwed with some random superstition he had. I opened my mouth to apologise and I backed towards the door. “I don’t have time for you right now Jespin! I’m trying to get ready for a game here. We need to win! … if it‘s the last thing I do… I‘m getting that Cup… and I need to get the fucking Capitals out of my way first!” He spat, causing me to shrink back as he ran a hand through his messy hair. “I don’t mean… ugh. I’m sorry ok, I just can’t deal with anything else right now.” He looked mildly deranged as his eyes bounced back and forth between my shirt and my face.

In truth, I really didn‘t need to get him worked up like this, and I knew better. There was just something forcing me onward; like his superstition was not directed at me. I was a member of the Capitals and he didn’t want to deal with me because of that. In a fit of childish immaturity I snapped. “Right… cause of hockey.” I drawled sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

“Jespin, I’m a hockey player! This is what I do! The Stanley Cup is like… the holy grail of my life… I need to win this… can’t you understand that?”

“Sure… I was just coming in to wish you good luck anyway.” I turned around and left back the way I had come in. I gave a few hugs as I headed down the hall, getting more and more angry as I did so.
No one else had a problem with what I was wearing. I sighed as I reached the Capital’s locker-room, pushing the door open and walking through.

I didn’t even feel like it had anything to do with what I was wearing; Sidney was being insane because of his insistent need to win the Stanley Cup. That in itself wasn’t wrong; it was that way for most guys in the NHL, their number one goal in life.
But they all had lives. They didn’t sit around and feel the need to wait for the giant silver trophy before they actually moved forward with anything else. Maybe it had always been an excuse.
Maybe Sidney wanted those model girls and I had been foolish to think he was interested in me. Maybe he just wanted me because he wanted to date Mario Lemieux’s daughter, right now, that wouldn’t surprise me.

All my emotions seemed to come pouring out of me; like someone had opened the flood gates.
All of a sudden it wasn’t about Sidney and his superstitions, it was about me not being good enough for him. No forget about him, it was about me, not being good enough for Alex.

A couple days ago I had seen those girls fawning over him; and even though he was only reciprocating it for the pictures - those girls would probably date him in a second.
I wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t good enough for Sidney - not that that part mattered.

I continued to storm around aimlessly, throwing open one of the medical room doors and walking through, sighing. “Oh sorry, I didn’t know you were in here…” I groaned as Alex turned around. I sighed again, biting my lip as I waited for him to freak out too; why not?

“No problem.” Alex said gently as he smiled at me from across the room. “You ok?”

“Umm… yah, why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged, setting his freshly taped stick down on the examining table, before walking the length of the room towards me. “You look upset. Anything you want to talk about?”

I stared at him in bewilderment, unsure of how to continue. “Shouldn’t you be… getting ready for the game?”

He shrugged, “I’ll be ready later… you look like you need to talk now.”

I laughed slightly, shaking my head as I thought about my conversation with Sidney, just minutes before. “I’m actually… doing better now, surprisingly. Don’t worry about it… you need to get ready for the game.”

“More important things than hockey, you know?” He grinned, causing an unexplainable lump to rise in my throat. I nodded, smiling slightly as I did.

“Yah… I know.” He bent over and his lips began to slid along mine; moving together in a gently rhythm as his arms surrounded me.
After what felt like an eternity, or a few seconds, I pulled away. “Good luck tonight.” I said quietly, not letting go of him.

“I’ll see you after…” He whispered back, kissing my forehead as Boudreaux’s voice boomed through the hallways, ordering the players into the room.

I watched him go, glancing over his shoulder at me and grinning before he disappeared through the door. I sighed to myself hopping up on the table and lying down on my back.
My thoughts were a jumbled mess and I simply didn’t have the energy to sort them out.

#40 - Changing Views

2009-12-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

You Could Be Happy - Snow Patrol

“Merde! Sorry Sidney… I wasn’t watching… and since when did TK learn how to shoot?” I glanced over at Flower as he apologised to me again, his thin fingers clicked away at the buttons on his PSP.
Apparently he didn’t realize that I wasn’t playing attention either.

I sighed, looking back down at the tiny LSD screen, just in time to see myself get gunned down by Talbot. I set the small black console down onto the tray in front of me, leaning back into my spacious airplane seat; perks of playing in the NHL - comfortable seats. “Jesus Sidney! Thought you’d be more excited to get to Washington… I mean, if anyone needs to get laid, it’s you.” Max’s voice carried loudly through the plane, causing me to groan as I felt Mario shift in the seat in front of me.

“Shut up Max.” I said hastily, running a hand through my over-gelled, brown hair.

“What!? I thought you and Jes were finally… you know…” I sighed and turned my attention to the clouds below; peering out my window with an unreasonable interest. “Sid?” Max pressed, earning the attention of everyone within ear shot - and when you’re Max Talbot, ear shot happens to encompass the total plane.

I bit my lip, regretting having put this conversation off until this moment. I took a deep breath; wondering how bad the guys were going to poke at me for this; or even worse, how nice they were going to be because of this.
It was one thing for them to laugh at me, another to realize just how upset I was and try to console me. If there is one thing French men can’t do, it’s console. “Jespin’s dating a boy from Washington” Mario answered for me; the tone of his voice leaving no room for further discussion, as he relayed the information we had both received last night.

It almost hurt to hear it from him. When Jespin had called last night to let me know what was going on, it didn’t seem so bad. After all, she was only dating this guy because I told her to; he didn’t have anything on me, I knew in my heart he couldn’t compare.
And not just because of the money or the fame; but because of who I was to her. Her family loved me, especially her father, and I knew her better than anyone, she was like a sister to me - in a non-incestual way.
The idea of her being with someone else didn’t effect me like how it should have - or how I had expected it to.
There was just something in the way it sounded coming out of Mario; so real, so blunt, so final.

At least I was going to see her; even if that meant playing Washington and dealing with Ovechkin. I had honestly thought that they were going to get put out by the Rangers, but they came back to win it in the end.
Now we were playing them; playing them for a spot in the finals… a spot I'd rather die than let Ovechkin take from me.

“Jes!” I shouted, causing her to jump as I jogged towards her through the hotel lobby. I caught her in my arms and spun her around. She laughed as I put her back on her feet, her green eyes shinning with happiness as the rest of the team started drifting towards us. “How have you been? You look great!”

“Thanks! And… I’ve been good… how was your trip?”

“Nothing special-” I began to explain as Jordan cut me off.

“Where’s your new boy-toy at? Max and I are gonna let him know who he’s dealing with, show him what‘s gonna happen if he messes around on ya.” He grinned as I rolled my eyes.

Jespin giggled again. “Well, as interesting as that would be to watch… I figured I would put off introducing you all till… well… never.”

“Ouch! Is he that ugly?” Max quipped, pulling her into a hug.

“No but, I don’t want him to have to stand beside you… we all know that no one can compare to you.” She said patently, causing Max to grin triumphantly as he turned around to face me.

“Jessie!” Mario cooed before I could say anything to wipe the dumb look of Max’s face.
She ran into her father’s waiting arms, throwing herself at him as they rocked back and forth in a warm embrace. Mario talked to her softly for a few minutes, a conversation that I really should have tuned out. “Is he taking care of you? He’s good to you? You’re happy?”
She nodded mutely, never pulling away as he rattled off a long list of questions. I waited around, not wanting to loose the few precious moments I had with her.
Finally, after being called away, Mario left; giving me a small smile as he did so. Jespin turned around and headed back to me, pushing me gently in the arm.

“So what’s your plan for tonight?” She asked casually, following after me as I headed for the elevator.

I shrugged. “I don’t really have any plans, what did you have in mind, or, are you… busy?” She shook her head, giving me a weak smile. “He won’t mind if you’re here?” I added, trying to fish for information without actually asking anything about him.

“He has some things that he needed to do anyway… for… work.” She hastily, causing me to laugh.

“Sneaking out to hang out with me? You shouldn’t have…”

“I’m not.” She snapped, exhaling loudly before the lines of her face relaxed. “Sorry, I mean… I didn’t come here, not for anything that would be inappropriate.”

“Jes. I know.” I said quickly, my brow furrowing with stress as I glanced at her. “I know that’s not why you’re here… I was kidding.”

“I know. Sorry… just… stressed out about playoffs I guess.” She said unconvincingly.

I shrugged, figuring it was better to forget about the conversation than pressure her on it. I didn’t particularly feel like talking about him anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Freshman - The Verve Pipe(Cover)

I was planning on stopping off at the hotel to see everyone - especially dad - but somehow I had forgotten about Sidney.
Alex knew where I was, I told him that my dad really liked hockey and was coming down to watch the Pens play; he was mildly impressed that my dad would follow a team, but he didn’t think anything strange about it.
I had, however, completely forgot that Sidney was going to be here. I wasn’t really sure how that happened, but it did, and now I felt horrible.

I felt bad because Alex had no idea that Sidney was here; that I was in his room, spending time with him.
Even if we weren’t alone, and even if we weren’t doing anything bad, I still felt guilt ridden.
Of course Alex still text'd me lots through out the night; keeping me happy and anxious at the same time. I truly missed him, as lame as that seemed.
I had been with him only a few hours before; spending time with him before his evening practice and team meeting.

“So Jes… sex good?” Max asked, as casually as a normal person would ask about the weather.

I glowered at him. “Horrible. Unless we’re comparing it to your performance? If we are, it’s fantastic.”
The guys began to howl with laughter all around me, even Max couldn’t help but grin sheepishly at me before turning his attention back to the movie.
The only set of eyes that lingered on me were a pair of chocolate brown ones; full of realization and anger. I made eye contact with Sidney, trying to give him a reassuring smile as his gaze intensified.

Leave it to Sidney to assume that I would never touch another man. I mean, obviously I didn’t want him to know about my sex life; but still, the fact that he’d assume I wouldn’t touch my boyfriend? That was a little much.
I tried to pretend that I couldn’t see him watching me as I gazed in the direction of the TV set; not caring for the first time that TK’s bush of hair was blocking my view.

“You’re not letting him pressure you, right?” Sidney asked hesitantly as he stood beside me in the elevator; the metal box slowly moving down towards the underground parking lot, and my awaiting hybrid.

“Of course not… Sidney, he’s not that type of guy.” I explained patiently, trying not to let his questions get under my skin.

He nodded, staring straight ahead. “So you’re not sleeping with him?”

My mouth fell open as I spun around to glare at him. “I don’t really see how what I do, or don’t do with my boyfriend, is any of your business.” I snapped, finally loosing my cool.

“So you are?”

“What does it matter?”

“It matters.” We bother glared at each other for a minute before glancing off in opposite directions. “Stop.” He said finally as the doors opened and we both stepped out.

“Excuse me?”

“Stop sleeping with him.” I shook my head, more at him than at his request, before I took off towards my car. “Jespin!” He shouted taking off after me.

I stopped walking and turned around as he closed the gap between us. “No. No, I won’t. We’re not together Sidney… you even told me that you wanted me to date someone else. Now that I am… you’re not ok with it?”

“I didn’t mean for you to fuck him!” He hissed, his eyes growing wide as I tilted my head. “Ok, wow, that sounded bad… I didn’t mean…” He licked his lips as he searched for the right words. I waited. “Look Jes… I wasn’t ready for this. I really care about you and I think you could be the girl that I end up with… I just didn’t want to committee to you until I’d proven myself.
I need that Cup, Jes.
I just assumed that you’d date some guy and it wouldn’t go anywhere. I guess I sort of assumed you’d compare him to me and… rather me.
I obviously was wrong. That’s ok though I mean… this was my mistake, putting it off.
But we can make it work… I don’t want to think about you out there with someone else so, let’s do this.”

I hesitated, unsure if he was really say what I thought he was saying. “Are you inadvertently telling me to dump my boyfriend, and date you?” He nodded, like he was pleased I’d caught on so fast. “No.” I said simply, unable to think of a clearer way to put it.

“What do you mean, no?”

“I mean… no. N-O, no. That’s… I can’t even… ugh!” I turned around and finished walking to my car, needing to be away from here.
I knew that Sidney wasn’t really trying to be an ass, but that’s what he was being.

“Jes come on! I’m sorry alright I just…” I heard him groan loudly as I pulled my car door open.

“Look Sidney, I love you like a brother. You’re always going to be important to me and I’m always going to want you in my life… but maybe this is all we’re ever suppose to be.” I hesitated before getting in, watching his face contort in pain. “Sidney, I really like him. I didn’t date him because you wanted me to, I’m with him because it’s what I want.
I don’t want to lose you, but, if you can’t respect that…” I trailed off, letting my threat hang in the air.

“Yah, I got it.” He said slowly, bringing his eyes up to meet mine. “Some other time then.” He turned around and left before I could say anything else.

I felt like shit as I drove home. I didn’t want things to go like that, I hated fighting with people; especially Sidney.
Was I being unreasonable? Was I making a huge mistake? This was all my fault after all.
I had been selfish enough to keep Sidney in the dark about how I actually felt about him, and selfish enough to start a relationship with Alex.
I didn’t deserve them; but I didn’t want to give one of them up either. Of course, I wanted each one for something different, for my own reasons, but the reasons were still selfish.

I was still re-evaluating everything as I slowly climbed the stairs to my door, my head hung in shame and guilt.
I unlocked the door and walked inside, wanting nothing more than to curl up and die; or at least cry, a lot.

I didn’t even notice Alex until his arms were around me. He didn’t ask questions or pressure me for information; he just directed me towards the stairs, and allowed me to cry into his chest.
He curled up next to me on the bed and pulled me against him tightly.

His compassion was almost more than I could handle, causing my tears to come out in hot waves. He murmured to me in his thick Russian accent; reassuring me with his natural language. It felt wrong and wonderful at the same time.

When I could finally calm myself enough to stop the flow of tears I glanced up at him, and his concerned eyes. “Do you need me to do something?” He asked hurriedly, fear taking the place of his gentle whispers.

I had no idea what to say. I wasn‘t even sure why I was crying so much; it didn‘t make a lot of sense. I still had Alex, and that fact alone seemed to assure me that I could get through anything.
Even though he had no idea what was going on; it was like his blue eyes were reassuring me that everything would work out. “No, I’m fine... I’m so sorry about that Alex… I don’t know-” He cut me off by pinching my lips together, shaking his head slightly as he smiled.
When he was confident that I wouldn’t try to apologise anymore, he removed his fingers and replaced them with his lips; allowing my body to explain the things that my mind couldn’t.

Tonight's Update

2009-12-24T06:01:00.000-08:00

Hey ya'll!

Just wanted to let you know that there will not be a Traitor update tonight.

If you guys are anything like my family, tonight's the 'big night' anyway... so you won't be home lol.
The next update (#40), is hopefully going to be a bit of a change... new perspective... so I wanted to make sure that everyone was around to read it.

It'll be up tomorrow night (3pm - regular time on this blog).

Cheers!

#39 - Mr. Romantic

2009-12-23T15:00:00.000-08:00

I’m Yours - Jason Mraz

I put the finishing touches on the dinning room as I waited for Jespin to show up. I had left the food in the oven to warm; it didn’t look very good, and I wasn’t sure how it was going to taste - but I was positive I’d get an ’A’ for effort.
The dinning room table was set with a white linen cloth, running the full length of the king size surface. The plates and silverware - that I had bought specifically for tonight - were set on the table, the same way as they had been at the store.

Tomorrow we were leaving for New York and I wanted to make sure that everything was perfect; or at least that it looked perfect for tonight.
I heard the front door open and ran my hands through my hair, trying to tame it as I headed towards the front hallway. “Look at you all fancy…” Jespin laughed as I came into view; nodding towards my outfit.
I wasn’t actually that dressy - black denims and a grey collard shirt - compared to her though, I supposed that I did look over dressed.
She was wearing a fitted red, plaid shirt and a pair of grey baggy sweatpants that were tucked unceremoniously into a pair of over-sized, brown, suede boots.
Her hair was pulled back into a messy ponytail, looses pieces stuck out all over the place; giving her the look of someone who’d just rolled around in the sac. The thought had my heart rate increasing.

I grinned as she moved towards me, opening my arms and accepting her in a tight hug. “Did you bring your bag?” I asked, referring to the things she’d need with her for the next few days.

“Yah, I just left it in my car though… so… are you going somewhere?”

I shook my head and let her out of my arms, grabbing for one of her hands instead.
I pulled her after me, into the dimly lit dinning room, watching her reaction with smiling eyes. She inhaled deeply, biting down her lip as she took a timid step into the room. Her eyes moved around slowly, taking in every detail as a smile danced around the edge of her lips. “Alex…” She breathed slowly, finally turning around to look at me. “Did you do this?”

I nodded sheepishly. “I just wanted to show you how much I appreciate you…” I said lamely, feeling foolish for trying to explain my feelings to her.

“I can’t believe you did this… thank you!” She threw her arms around my neck and I grabbed for her; enthusiastically enough that I lifted her right off the floor.
My tongue swept around her mouth as she wrapped her legs around my waist. I spun around to get a better grip on her, pushing her back against the wall until I could hold her up with just the pressure of my body against hers.
I brought my hands around to the front of her shirt, grabbing at the buttons and trying to undo them. Giving up, I took hold if the fabric, pulling it in opposite directions until I felt the buttons give.
Her shirt fell open without the round restraints to hold it in place, and I moved away from her lips; my mouth falling down onto her soft flesh. “Oh god… is something burning?” She panted, causing me to pull away from her.

“Shit!” I groaned, letting her back down onto her feet before I dashed off into the kitchen.

Black smoke was pouring out of the oven causing me to sigh. Checking the temperature I realized that I had inadvertently turned it up, instead of down. I sighed again, hitting the ‘off’ button and pulling the door open slowly.
The burnt smelling smoke burned my throat, and I slammed the door closed again. “You opposed to take-out?” I shouted over my shoulder.

“No… and I’m sorry your dinner’s ruined.” She said softly as she walked up behind me. Her arms snaked around my waist and I felt her press her cheek up against my back. “At least we can still eat at the table…”
I nodded, trying to keep the smile off my face. Now I got the points because she saw what I was trying to do, but she won’t take any away from tasting my awful food. It was pure win.

“Hey Ovie! Come on! Let’s get drunk!” I groaned as the front door slammed open and Greener’s voice filled my house. He wasn’t alone either; pretty soon I could hear other people laughing and carrying on as the moved down the hall towards us.

“Quick Mike, go long!” I heard Feds shot, before the sound of running could be heard. I spun around, pulling Jespin behind me as the sound of crashing echoed out loudly.

“Oops…” Greener said sheepishly as I walked around the corner of the dinning room to see him laid out, half the plates, shattered around him on the floor around him.

Jespin suppressed a giggle behind me and I turned around to look at her. She had her hands up in front of her face and was staring at Greener. “I’m sorry but… that’s funny…” She snorted, her body shaking with laughter.

I grabbed her arm and pulled her against me as Greener started pulling himself off the floor. The rest of the guys filed in and I felt myself blushing.
So Brooks had already known I was going to do something romantic, that wasn’t so bad; them actually seeing my attempts fall short - not so good.
I nuzzled my face into the top of Jespin’s hair, waiting for the colour in my cheeks to fade.

“Buttons… the arch-enemy of Neanderthals everywhere!” Brooks laughed, causing me to pull my face out of her vanilla smelling locks. I glanced down at Jespin who was now pulling the ripped pieces of fabric back around her in an attempt to cover herself. Shit… forgot about that… I sighed, grabbing onto her hand and pulling her out of their sight.

“Go upstairs and grab one of my shirts. I’ll see if I can get rid of them…” She nodded, running off towards the banister as I moved back towards the guys. “So… any reason you guys are here?” I didn’t want to sound like a dick, but I definitely wasn’t in the moods to hang out with them tonight.

“Yah we’re gonna party before we go to New York and destroy some Rangers!” Greener laughed, rolling his eyes like it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Get drunk here?!” I asked incredulity, staring at the faces of my most rambunctious team-mates.

They nodded. “Coach said we weren’t allowed to go out to the bars so…” Semi shrugged at me. “We brought beer, vodka… and Brooksy is ordering some pizza.”

I glanced at Brooks who was now talking into his cell phone, ticking away toppings on his fingers. I exhaled, defeated as I heard Jes running back down the stairs. “Awww you didn’t have to get all dressed up for us!” Feds laughed as she came around the corner wearing one of my over-sized workout shirts.

“Yah, you look hot in red lace.” Brooks added as he flipped his phone shut, causing Jes to blush at the reminder that everyone in the room now knew what bra she was wearing.

The guys were drunk; drunker than drunk. They were so intoxicated, I was honestly impressed that they hadn’t broken anything so far - although there had been a few close calls with the Rockband guitars.
I laid back on the couch with Jespin; watching the guys jump around and sing along to songs that they didn’t know; or weren’t in any condition to remember.

I snaked my arms around her, pulling her closer to me, whispering into her ear. “So much for a romantic evening, huh?”

She giggled against me, tilting her head so that she could kiss my jaw. “It was the thought that counted anyway…” She explained

“Mmm…” I sighed, moving her around until I could kiss her. “And how much did it count?”
She let out an airy laugh as her legs slid over my lap. Exhaling I brought my lips down against her neck, feeling the heat of her skin under mine as I began to kiss her softly.

“Alex…” She mumbled, gently pushing on my chest. I could feel the apprehension that was radiating out of her body; diluted only by the fact that she didn’t actually want me to stop. “Alex… your team-mates…” She pressed, finally causing me to pull away slightly.

“You’re right…” I sighed, looking around the group of guys that were still oblivious to Jespin and I. There was no way I’d ever get rid of all of them, and I wasn’t dumb enough to try.
Deciding on the best course of action I grabbed Jespin in my arms and lifted her off the couch. She let out a squeal as I reached the stairs, still not loud enough to gain the attention of anyone around us.

I kicked my bedroom door shut behind me as I tossed Jespin down onto the bed; turning back around to lock the door handle, before jumping down beside her. “You’re not being a very good host right now…” She giggled as a cuddled up beside her.

“Yah well, tonight was suppose to be about you.” I sighed, running my fingers along her side, worshipping in the feel of her curves through my shirt. She stifled a yawn and I halted my hand; smiling at her as I grabbed for the covers. I pulled them down and watched her crawl towards the pillows; tugging off her sweats once she was there.
I got off the bed and turned of the light - without a second thought for the guys downstairs - crawling back into bed beside her.

I could tell she was tired, but she didn’t want to disappoint me or let me down. I caught her roaming hands before they could reach my boxers; tugging them towards my face and kissing each one before I released them again. “Not gonna let me say thank you for making me dinner?” She said as she settled in beside me.

“Oh don’t worry, I won’t forget… you’re tired though, sleep babe.” She yawned again and I wrapped my arms around her, spooning into her back as I closed my eyes. “Besides…” I whispered after a few minutes of listening to the distant sounds of a poorly sung Misery Business, “we’ve got all the time in the world.”

#38 - Free-Falling

2009-12-22T15:00:00.000-08:00

Falling Slowly - Glen Hansard(Cover)

I sat on the couch, my back against the armrest, my feet resting in Alex’s lap. His hands working expertly over my sore legs; working out all the tension and pain in a few sure movements.
I grinned to myself as I watched his eyes lovingly caress every part of skin he touched; how did I ever get so lucky?
He was perfect. That was a word that I would never have imagined myself using to describe a man; let alone a hockey player - but it was true.

He was everything that I wanted. Everything I would have wished for myself, if I had of known myself well enough to ask.
I felt this way about him, even now, as he brooded over the game; the game, and whatever else was bothering him.

I wondered briefly if I should be worried; if he was about to drop some kind of bombshell on me. It was only a fleeting concern though. Every time I worked myself up, he’d look at me and smile; melting away every fear I’d ever had.

“Are you done of school now?" Alex asked suddenly, causing me to look up.

“Ummm almost, I have one final left in a couple days and then I’m done yah… last couple weeks are just internship.” I said slowly, wondering where this was going.

“So… you’ll be with me for the playoffs?”

I chuckled quietly. “Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Think you’d stay with me?”

I paused and glanced up at him. “Like… in the hotel?”

He nodded slowly, judging my reaction carefully. “Yah. I mean, everyone knows we’re together now so…” He shrugged, his voice wavering as he tried to play off the fact that he didn’t view this proclamation as a ‘big deal’.

“Well… are you sure you want that? I mean, I don’t want you to get sick of me or anything…” I said hesitantly, seriously concerned about what this would do to our relationship.
Not being able to be around Alex as much as I wanted, only made me want to be around him more; would it be the same if I was around him 24/7? Would he feel the same if I was with him the whole time?

“I won’t get sick of you, I promise. I just need you close.”

I sighed and nodded. “If that’s what you want… of course. Could you just tell me one thing though?”

“What’s that?”

“Why are you being like this? What happened? I mean, I don’t mind the fact that you want to be around me more but… what caused it?” I blurted out, unable to hold it in any longer.

“I always want you around me. I have always wanted you around me…” He sighed and reached out his arms to me.
I crawled towards him, relaxing against him as his arms enfolded around me. “I’m not a good person Jespin.”

“What?” I said it loudly, unable to hide the confusion and surprise in my voice. “What do you mean?”

“I don’t just mean that I can be arrogant sometimes… I mean, I’m not the person that you think I am.”

I shook my head, unable to follow what he was saying. “I don’t… what do you mean?”

“Nothing.” He said quickly adverting his eyes.

“Is this what you were so upset about? You don’t think that you’re not a good person?” I couldn’t help but grin slightly. “Alex… you are. Believe me. If anyone knows what a good person you are, it’s me.” I said with as much emotion and conviction in my voice as possible.

“I don’t want you to change your mind.”

“I won’t.” He exhaled loudly, and I could tell that the conversation was over. He sighed deeply, his eyes reverting back to the aching torment I’d seen all day. “Alex…” I sighed, a thousand thoughts running through my head.

I knew how I felt about him, I knew that I needed him; that I loved him. I stared into his blue eyes and contemplated saying the words that I had never spoken in this context before.
I contemplated telling him the truth; that I loved him and only him, and that I would always be here, for as long as he let me stay.

Loosing my nerve, I simply smiled, bringing my lips down to his. He answered back tenderly, his hands sliding up my back gently; holding me against him tighter.
He stood up and shifted me around until he was holding me in his arms. I wrapped my arms around his neck as he moved towards the stairs; climbing them two at a time until we reached the second level.
He carried me into his bedroom, laying me down on the bed; his lips never leaving mine.

Alex undressed me, painfully slowly, gently removing each article of clothing until there was nothing left separating us.
Interlacing his fingers through mine he lowered himself down on top of me, the weight of his body crushing down on me.

He kissed me intently, his body unmoving as he laid in between my opened legs. I needed him, wanted him; like always, the anticipation was almost too much to bear.
This time was different though, we could both feel it. It wasn’t about the physical gratification that we both so desperately wanted; but the intimacy we both needed.
I slid my hands out from under his, gently running my fingers through his hair as his arms moved up my sides, cradling me.

Finally moving forward I felt Alex’s body press up against mine; his erection slowly pushing it’s way inside of me.
I sighed in satisfaction as he filled me completely; hooking my legs around his back as I clung to him.
He moved slowly, each stroke a long, languid, motion; slowly bringing us together.

Alex stared down at me the whole time, his eyes intently watching me as they filled with emotion. It was all I could do to stare back, every move intensified by the excitement of watching his reactions as he moved deeper inside of me.
He made love to me until my body was confused. I ached with the consistent burn of passion and pleasure, the tightness in my muscles suggesting that we’d been like this for ever; my mind convinced it had only been mere seconds.

When we were done, he didn’t roll off of me like he normally would of, instead, he rolled over, taking me with him, until I was nestled into his side.
He leaned up for a second, unwinding his arm from around me to grab for a blanket at the end of the bed. Pulling it back up around us. “You mean everything to me Jes.” He said softly, causing tears to form in my eyes. “You know that right?”
I threw my arms around him, pressing up against him as hard as I could. I felt like I should be saying the same thing to him, telling him how much he meant to me; but when I looked up and saw the smile on his face - I knew he already knew.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Home - Michael Bubble

It felt surreal, like the slow motion part of a movie; everything had stopped. I should have been flying, but it felt more like freefalling. Every move, every thoughts, every breath was held in time; refusing to move.

I pushed myself around the ice as fast as I could; the world moving past me in a slow blur of strange faces. Jespin was the only thing I could see.
She stood behind the bench beside Boudreaux, her eyes never leaving me as I pushed in, moving hard against the Rangers - trying to find a chink in their armour.

It was amazing the change in a couple days. In one night she had made everything better. Of course the guilt was still there, silently chipping away at me; piece by piece, each chop going deeper than the last.
Hockey had been like a band-aid against the cut; not stopping it or healing it, just something the covered it, moved it out of the forefront of my mind.
Jespin was like my own personal cure. Not something that could erase the scars, but something that could change them, contort them until they were nothing more than thin white lines.

She still didn’t know what she was to me. She had no idea the dependency I now had for her; the amount of faith and emotional baggage I was pressing upon her. She was the only thing keeping me moving; the only one keeping me alive.
I wanted to show her, pay her back for everything that she had been for me; let her see how much she meant - but there was only one thing I was ever spectacular at.
I was going to win this game, and I was going to win it for her.

The dressing room was a feeling of contagious excitement this time around. The guys were hanging from the ceiling after our shutout victory against the Rangers. In one night we had brought it back; an offensive force to be reckoned with, once again.

I could see the cup; taste it, feel it, and as much as I was driven mad with the need to conquer it - I could think of something better. She moved across the locker room, tossing out ice packs and creams to different people; none of who were able to infiltrate my mind.
It wasn’t until Jespin was sitting down beside me that I finally pulled myself into the present. “Feeling better then?” She giggled silently, causing me to chuckle as she gently pushed her shoulder into my side.

I slung my arm around her shoulders, pulling her against me tightly and pressing my lips against hers. She kissed me back timidly, leaning into me until I felt a hand slap against my head. “Media coming in…” Greener warned, glancing at Jespin as he spoke.
She gave me one last kiss on the cheek before hoping up and moving back through the room. I watched her go with sad eyes as the group of cameramen and reporters began to crowd around me, shoving tape recorders and microphones in my face.

I answered the questions hastily, trying my best to finish as quickly as possible. I knew that Boudreaux was going to make me sit through the post-game press conference anyway; but I couldn’t help but rush.
I was glad we won, extremely glad, but I also wanted to get home. Our next few days were packed with games and I knew I wouldn’t have that much free time. I needed to do something big for Jes, find something to show her how much she cared.

Once the reporters were gone from my stall, I called over Brooks. “Hey… when Kelly’s mad at you, or when you‘re just trying to do something nice, what do you do?”

“Fuck.”

I rolled my eyes at his serious response. “Ok… before the fucking… like what’s something that you would do for her?”

“Buy her jewellery, cook her dinner…” He said, finally giving me good answers.

“I can’t cook.” I muttered, wondering if there was something else I could do. I wasn’t sure she’d appreciate more jewellery; it was my fall back, after all.

He laughed loudly. “Neither can I but… that’s not the point. Even if you suck at cooking… it’s ’the thought that counts’!” He quipped, laughing again. “Girls eat that shit up…”

I nodded slowly, wondering how she’d react to that. Jespin wasn’t a materialistic kind of girl; maybe she’d appreciate it if I did something myself.
I sighed, pushing myself off the bench as Boudreaux came through the door, signalling at me. I was going to need to give this more though and figure something out, and soon; before the push for the cup came in full force.

#37 - Stay

2009-12-21T16:00:00.000-08:00

Double header, go back and read #36 if you haven't yet... love you Becky =P

Who You’d Be Today - Kenny Chesney

I sat in the locker-room, half-dressed, totally unprepared for the game that I was suppose to be getting ready for.
Last night had almost killed me. It should have been fantastic, finally having Jespin in my arms, but it had been the opposite.
Now, I couldn’t stop thinking about Sergei and all the things that he should have been.

I should have been putting on my game face, pumping myself up; but I was consumed by questions.
What if I just had of quit hockey? What if I had of told Sergei that I didn’t want to play anymore? What if I had of just walked home that night, instead of yelling at him to come pick me up?
My parents had said that I couldn’t blame myself for what had happened; it was an accident. They were partially right, it had been an accident; but it was still my fault…

“Hey Ovie… you ready to go man? Rangers! We fucking own them!” Greener shouted, punching me in the arm as he started walking around the room, talking himself up.

Sergei would be in his thirties now, if it wasn’t for that night. He’d probably be married, have children. He would have been a fantastic father.
He believed in me and pushed me to be my best; even when everyone else lost faith. He wanted what was best for me, always putting me before his needs; even as a teenager he was always there for me.
And because of me, he’s not here anymore.

“Alex, babe?” Jespin’s soft voice pulled me out of my downward spiral; but only slightly. Enough that I could look up.
She was standing in front of me, her hair gently falling around her face like a halo; illuminated by the neon lighting shining down from behind her. She looked like an angel, my own personal saviour. “Are you ok?”
She crouched down in front of me, and my eyes followed her. Those big green eyes were filled with such concern that it almost killed me to lie to her.

“Yah… I’m great. Just… thinking about the game.” I said lamely, hoping she couldn’t hear the deception in my voice.

Her face lightened slightly as she pulled herself onto the bench beside me. “It’s ok Alex… everything is going to be perfect… I’m sure of it.”
We were both thinking of different things. She was clearly referring to the game, but I felt comforted anyway.
I nodded, putting an arm around her shoulder and hugging her against my bare chest.

“You’ll be out there right? You’ll wait for me after the game?” She nodded her head against me.

“Of course…” She knows something’s wrong… pull it together…

“Hey, you know what I was thinking? I already talked it over with Boudreaux and he’s fine with it, but… think you’ll watch from the box?” It was a lie. I hadn’t asked Boudreaux anything; but I didn’t care. I just needed her to stay as close to me as possible, at all times.

“What box?”

“Like… the player box…”

She pulled away from me and stared up at me. I could tell she wanted to refuse, say ’no way’; but I also knew that I looked completely pathetic and downtrodden. She sighed and rolled her eyes slightly. “Fine… if it’s ok with everyone else than I will… now get dressed.” She kissed my forehead as she got up.
I watched her walk out of the dressing room and it was then that I realized I was alone.

I threw on the rest of my gear quickly, not truly caring that I was breaking superstitions; I just needed to get out of here.
I needed to be around people so that I could drown out the guilt that was threatening to pull me under.

I threw the door open and took off towards the sound of my team-mates. “Feeling better now that you’ve had a pre-game quickie?” Greener laughed and I reached out to slap the back of his head.

Coach started to yell orders as we lined up, telling us some last minute ideas and suggestions; I couldn’t take it in though. My eyes found Jespin, through the crowd of gigantic children in uniforms, and I smiled at her. “Hey Ovie… you catching this? Or should I throw down some cave-drawing so you can follow along?” Brooks quipped from behind me.
I rolled my eyes as the people nearest to us started to howl with laughter; falling back into my private world.

Everyone began to file out onto the ice and I let out a gentle sigh as I followed suit.
The crack of the ice sounded from down below me as I took my first step onto it; my head still full of regret and shame.
I felt even worse as I tried to push the thoughts of Sergei out of my head, my mind repeating over and over again; I’m so sorry.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Inaudible Melodies - Jack Johnson

I followed the coaching staff out to the box; no one really paying attention to me. I stood up behind the bench, feeling sorely out of place as I watched the guys skate around on the ice.
It felt freeing and terrifying at the same time; like the first time on a motorcycle. It was amazing, to be that liberated; nothing separating me from the game that I loved so much. At the same time though, it felt reckless, being that close to two-hundred plus pound men, no protection.

When Boudreaux finally looked at me, I realized that he definitely wasn’t expecting me; but if he was mad about it, he hid it well. “Everything ok with him? He looks off…”
I followed his gaze, finding Alex stretching by himself off to the side, as the other guys began firing shots off at the net. I sighed to myself as I shrugged my shoulders.
It just made no sense. Alex was almost the most excited person when it came to games; especially big games. Tonight, it looked like he didn’t know where he was; and if he did, he didn’t care at all.

The game was a disaster. There was no focus, no passion, no flair; it was a different team out there. A team that didn’t want to win.
Alex had a few shots on net, but he couldn’t follow through with anything; he didn’t even follow through with his checks.

The rest of the team was taking their cues from him. Instead of trying to pick him up and continue on, they faltered and crashed, bad.
Someone from the Rangers ended up scoring the only goal of the game; I was so numb I didn’t even register who it was.

The guys were just as subdued once they got into the locker-room; the only one who had anything to say was Boudreaux. I watched him rant and roar, pointing fingers of accusation at everyone in the room.
He blamed Alex; just like everyone else. They didn’t say it, but you could feel it in their glares, in their words, in their silences.
Alex was the only one who didn’t seem to notice. He sat in front of his stall, slumped and defeated.

For someone who was usually so loud and boisterous, it broke my heart to see him this way. I wasn’t sure what had happened that caused this complete flip; but I wanted to do whatever I could to take away the pain in his eyes. He wasn’t upset about the game - I wasn’t even sure if he had even registered the last few hours - there was something else in his face; something deeper.

“Anything you want to talk about?” I asked slowly as he raced through the streets of Washington, swerving in and out of the slower moving traffic, without abandon. “Alex?”

“No. Like What? Why?” He grunted, his sentences running together as he spun the Lamborghini recklessly onto a side street.

“Maybe you should slow down…” I breathed, grabbing onto the ’Jesus bar’ and closing my eyes.

I felt the car start to slow and heard the roar of the engine falter down until it purred gently. “Sorry.” He said quietly, causing me to open my eyes. He reached out, resting his hand on my knee and giving me a small squeeze.

“It’s fine… if you want to talk about anything though… I’m here, ok?” He nodded, giving me a small smile before pulling his car into the empty garage stall.

I sat on the couch and watched him pace around the bottom floor of his house. “Alex… come sit!” I laughed finally, unable to keep the grin off my face. I knew I probably shouldn’t be laughing; but I couldn‘t help it.
He stopped walking and looked at me, grinning back sheepishly before he jumped onto the couch beside me.

“You’ll stay tonight?” He asked, pulling my feet into his lap.

“Of course… are you gonna be alright though?”

He nodded, licking his lips as he started to rub his fingers along the bottom of my foot. I looked like he was choosing his words carefully, mulling them around his head before he spoke. He finally glanced up at me, smiling slightly as he said genuinely. “I will be, as long as you stay here.”

#36 - The Price

2009-12-21T15:00:00.000-08:00

Short, sorry... bridge update =P

These Magnet Hearts - Kina Grannis Starts at 27 seconds or something...

Alex was gone, and it was impossible not to miss him. I had gotten so use to always being around him; so use to spending all my time with him.
I sat on the floor in my apartment beside Keisha, random books and pieces of paper surrounding us as we quizzed each other for our upcoming finals.

I cursed myself for getting so far behind in my work; it was because of this that I was left at home while the guys were on a week long trip in Canada.
I tried to remind myself that he’d be back Friday night; and really, it wasn’t that far away.

Of course, to save my sanity - or his - he called me and text’d me lots. ‘Miss you’, “Can’t wait to get back to you’, ‘I’ll play for you tonight’.
It was funny that we’d already fallen into a pattern and yet, every time I saw a message from him, I got giddy all over again.

As if on cue, my phone started vibrating again; and I jumped, reaching out quickly to flip it open. “Hey Jes!”

“Hey! How’s your trip going?” I asked, overly-excited, as Keisha made a gagging noise in my direction.

“Good, good… missing you. Greener’s taking the opportunity to hit on me, since you’re not here to stop him but… we’ve won all the games so far…” I could only laugh as Greener vehemently denied Alex’s words from somewhere in the background.

“Well, I miss you too… couple more days until you’re back though…”

“Mmm… back and then into playoffs. I still won’t get to see you too much, how do you survive without me?” He chuckled and I could hear the grin in his voice as I sighed.
I could hear a commotion sound around him and I couldn’t help but laugh again.

“I guess I should let you go… sounds like the whole teams in there now.”

“Just about… I’ll be back late Friday, wanna meet me at my place?”

“Sounds good… I’ll see you soon.”

“Ne magu zhit' bes tebya… have a good night babe.” I said goodbye and wished him luck before I hung up the phone.

“Oh, you guys an official couple now?” She asked grinning as she chucked a biology book aside.
I nodded, causing her to grin even more. “I’m very happy for you… honestly… I still don’t understand what took you so long.”

Suddenly, I glanced up at Keisha, and without giving it a second thought; I started to speak quickly. “Mario Lemieux is my dad. That’s kind of what kept us apart, I guess I just thought about it too much.”

“Like… the Penguin?” Keisha asked, looking slightly confused as she shuffled through the papers in her hands.

“Yes. The Penguin.”

“Oh… I guess that makes sense then. Hey… where’d you put the muscle diagram?” She asked, as she dropped the papers onto the ground, glancing around.

I laughed quietly as I handed her the diagram in question, shaking my head. I felt stupid keeping that secret from Keisha for all this time; I should have known that it wouldn’t effect her either way. She was fairly steady when it came to friendship; she’d been unwaveringly loyal to me since we met, and I felt slightly awful that I hadn’t told her until right now.
Of course she didn’t even notice that anything was off, but even so, I made a mental note to be open with her in the future.

I laid in bed after Keisha had left to go home, staring at the clock. Technically since it was after 1AM, it was no longer Wednesday.
That meant all I had to do was get through today and then all day tomorrow; I could do that.
I sighed as I rolled over onto my back and pulled the covers up tighter; I was turning into a very pitiful person.

The bed began to vibrate and I jumped up, grabbing for my phone; which was stashed underneath my pillow. “Alex?

“Hey babe, did I wake you?” He said quietly as I let out a squeal of surprise.

“No… I’m just lying in bed trying to fall asleep… what are you doing?” I grinned, ridiculously excited to hear from him.

“Nothing much, just sitting on the bus… thinking about you…”

“I miss you.” I blurted out, unable to stop myself. I couldn’t believe that I was having a conversation like this; me, of all people.
I was not a dependent, flirty, lovey-dovey person; or at least, I hadn’t been.

I could hear him chuckle quietly from the other line before he spoke again. “I miss you too. I should let you sleep though, I just wanted to hear your voice.”

The last thing I wanted was to get off the phone - sleep be damned. “Alright… I’ll talk to you tomorrow then, have a good night.”

“Night Jes.”

I rolled over and sighed contentedly as I stowed my phone back under my pillow. I didn’t think it would be possible to fall asleep at all; not with how excited I was, but soon enough I felt my eyes get heavy.
I curled up into a tiny ball and wrapped my arms around my body pillow; just a couple more days…

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Turn Right - Jonas Brothers(Cover) Starts about a minute in.

We got back to Washington earlier than expected. The guys were excited, they wanted to go out and party; one last giant bash before playoffs hit.
I had absolutely no interest in going out; not when my beautiful girlfriend was curled up in my bed, waiting for me.

I raced home, ignoring speed limits as I steered the ‘stang through the dark streets.
I made it home in record time; pulling the car into the garage and jumping out. I tried to calm myself down enough that I could remain somewhat silent as I pushed open the squeaky kitchen door.

All the lights were off except the small bulb above the stove, causing me to grin. Most men wouldn’t notice it at all, the others, that did notice it would probably not give it a second thought.
For me though, that tiny little light meant that someone else was here, and, that that someone cared enough to leave it on. That light was more than just a source of illumination; it was a welcome home sign.

I dropped my bag in the middle of the kitchen and jogged up the stairs; shedding my clothing like a horny teenager, as I made my way to my room.

The door was wide open and I walked through it, to find Jespin sleeping soundly; curled up underneath a thick layer of blankets.
I smiled to myself as I gently crawled onto the bed, sliding down underneath the covers. I pushed myself up against her and pulled her into my arms; careful to not wake her.
Unconsciously, she nuzzled into me, and I held onto her tighter. I felt my entire body relax as her scent surrounded me and the feel of her skin overpowered every other thought in my mind.

In the same moment that I was ecstatic to be back with her, I was angry at myself for having to leave.
Who cared what my job was… I was an idiot for every wanting to be apart from her. I knew that there was nothing I could do about it; but the thought still bothered me.

She had changed me so completely, alerted my life until it was unrecognisable, and I didn’t want to loose her. Not ever.
I was in love with her; wholly and irrevocably in love with her. There was nothing I could do to stop it, even if I wanted to. Jespin was as big a part of me now, as anything else that was in my life.

I didn’t deserve her love, and I didn’t deserve to feel this way about anyone; especially not someone as incredible as her.
I was terrified of her leaving, and I tightened my hold on her; as if that could stop her from ever going.

I didn’t like when people had power over me; the only thing that meant was that they could hurt you, and I didn’t want to hurt again.
That’s why I had always picked the most superficial girls I could find. They were people that I would never fall for, people that would never actually love me back; they were safe. They were safe because, if they left, I could just find someone else to replace them.

Jespin was irreplaceable. If she changed her mind, I wasn’t sure what it would do to me; but I had a good idea.
And then, as hard as I tried to fight it; I was ten years old again.

I rolled away from Jes, afraid to wake her; as the tears began to fall down my face. I shook my head slightly, trying to fight off the overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and abandonment that washed over me.
Why was I doing this to myself? Everyone I loved left me, for one reason or another. That was a life lesson I knew, all to well, but I was still here.

I was pushing my luck by letting her in, by letting her get this close to me. We were at the edge, if she got any closer; she was going to see the monster that I really was.
I didn’t want that. I didn’t want her to look into my eyes and see the type of person I was, the type of brother I had been. Yet that was always my way.
I was selfish, controlling, neurotic; I got people killed.

My brother had paid the price for my egocentricity; was I really willing to make Jespin pay for it too?

#35 - This Moment

2009-12-20T15:00:00.000-08:00

Fix You - Coldplay

“Alex, we need to talk.” We need to talk… the worse four words in the history of the world.
I couldn’t find any words to speak, so I nodded mutely. I opened the door slowly, trying to force time to slow down; I needed the world to stop spinning so that she couldn’t say anything else.

She walked past me, deeper into the house; while I stood, unmoving at the front door. “Alex?” She called over her shoulder before she disappeared into the den. I looked down at the floor as I pushed the door close; sliding my hands into my pockets before I followed after her.

She was sitting on the edge of the sofa when I came around the corner; her back stiff and her hands folded in her lap. Her face was emotionless as she stared straight ahead, not looking at me.
I took a few breaths to steady myself before I walked over and sat down beside her.
I could only assume that her change in demeanour was because of her conversation with Greener; which meant that I was an idiot. I shouldn’t have pushed her, I should have just accepted a good thing for what it was worth and not tried to force anything more. My mom always said that women were fickle and you couldn’t pressure them into something; I should have taken her advice, I should have allowed Jespin to come around to me on her own.

I wanted to just accept what I knew was happening, take it like a man and move on; there were plenty of other women out there. Women that weren’t her… I thought sadly, trying to remain impassive.
I stared at her and saw her searching for the words, her eyes unfocused as she planned the break-up in her head. This was my only chance.
I didn’t think a time would ever come in my life where I would beg for something, someone; but I had reached that point. I wasn’t about to go down without a fight. “Before you say anything…” I said quickly, grabbing onto her and pulling her into my lap. “Before you say anything… I don’t care. I don’t care why you won’t date me, why you don’t want to go there.
It doesn’t matter anymore Jes, if this is what you want… then this is how it’ll stay. Just forget today ever happened.”

“Alex-”

“Don’t leave me.” I sounded pitiful, pathetic. It was like loosing Sergei all over again; like I was a child - unable to do anything useful.
That was exactly what it felt like. Of course there was a difference, the difference between a brother and a girl I was dating; the difference between life and death.
And just like that time, all those years before, there was nothing I could do. No amount of begging or pleading could change the inevitable.
I knew that, but I couldn‘t stop the words from coming out. “I need you in my life Jes, no matter what I can or can’t call you… we can work through this.” She turned around slowly until she was facing me, and I clutched her against me tightly.

She stared at me for a long time, feeling finally beginning to filter through her face; until her lips parted and her eyes brimmed with tears.
I waited patiently for her to say something, anything; with each breath I felt like I was moving closer and closer to the edge of a cliff. I was about to free-fall over the brink, and the power to hang on rested with a girl that was too ashamed to tell anyone the truth. My chances weren’t looking good.

Jespin took a deep breath as the tears finally started to fall, pouring down her cheeks. “Alex…” She said slowly, reaching up to wipe the tears away from her face. “I don’t want this to end… I just…”

“Just tell me what you want Jespin. Anything. You can have it. If there‘s a problem I‘ll fix it… just tell me what I need to do.”

“I want you. I want to be with you…” I nodded, my breath catching in my throat as I waited for the ‘but’. Instead a small smile formed through the tears. “Ok.”

“Ok…?” I asked, caught off guard by her response.

“If you want me to be your girlfriend… I will, just please… no press releases or anything...”

I smiled, it was all I could do. I wanted to say something romantic, special; but the words wouldn’t come.
Instead I cupped her face in my hands and brought her lips down to mine; kissing her for everything I was worth.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Realize - Colbie Caillat

I had been completely undecided until he spoke those words to me; until he let that part of himself through. When he asked me not to leave him, it was the most vulnerable I’d ever seen him.
I’d seen him happy, sad, angry, indifferent, but never vulnerable. As out going and attention-grabbing as he was; he was also one of the most guarded people I’d ever met.

The biggest part of me didn’t want to let him go, and once I saw the unwavering need in his eyes, I had no choice. I didn’t want another choice.
I need him, and apparently he needed me too.
Alex had never been this open with me before, and I was almost positive, he'd never been this open with anyone else either. I couldn't just walk away, not if he was so willing to let me in.

I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life wondering whether or not I’d missed out on the one person that could inspire such powerful emotions in me. With that realization, everything else melted away, until he was the only thing I could comprehend.

Whatever my father had to say, no matter how Sidney would react… even if this blew up in my face; nothing could make me change my mind any more. I was in this for as long as he’d have me.

His lips were gentle but urgent on mine as we melted into each other on his couch. I almost couldn’t believe my luck; could I really have it all? Was I really able to have a relationship with Alex, without telling him anything that could ruin us, without having the big hoopla surrounding it?
Could it truly be this easy for all the pieces to just fall into place? “Vi znachete vce k mne…” He smiled against my lips as I moved around until I was straddling his lap.
He reached towards me, slowly sliding my shirt up over my skin. I focused on my breathing, trying to keep my hormones in check as he took his time exposing my chest.
It seemed almost strange that just minutes ago we were both so emotional and confused, and now it was leading to this. In a way it still made sense, I supposed; Alex was much better at expressing himself physically than verbally - and I wasn’t about to start complaining about it.
He began to run his tongue along my cleavage, his thumbs rubbing circles around the lace cup of my bra until my nipples were hard beneath it.
My lips were longing to taste him; to kiss him long and deep while I ran my hands along every square inch of him.
He stood up, holding onto me as he began to turn, laying me down on my back; the cool leather of the couch underneath me.

Sitting up in between my legs, I could see him growing hard through the basketball shorts he was wearing; I bit my lip to keep from groaning in frustration.
He stared down at me for a second before undoing my pants and tugging them off. I could feel every part of my body heating up, and I rubbed my legs together as he pulled his clothing off hastily.
He fell down on top of me - flesh against flesh- as our legs entwined together. His tongue began to trace hot lines down my neck as I wrapped my arms around him; one of his hands sliding upwards until he had a firm grip on my hair.

Grunting he pulled back, hard, and I arched my back in response as his pelvis grinded into me.
I could feel his dick rubbing against my clit; accelerating my breathing as I grew wetter and hotter.

I wanted to savour this; each grasp, each movement. I wanted to relish each time his fingers tightened around my side or my arms. Wanted to, but it was impossibly hard to keep from egging him on, or stop myself from begging for him to enter me.

I sigh as my clit began to throb painfully. His fingers hadn’t even roamed south yet, but I was already dripping with heat and desire. I decided to give him a better idea as to what I needed. I kissed him, my tongue thrusting for control while his hands played on my nipples.
Not a word had been spoken between us. What could we possibly say that would evoke the emotions we were feeling right in this moment? Words were inadequate. Nothing could ever express the fire he ignited inside me, only action ccould demonstrate my need. Only the feeling of tongue, teeth and flesh against flesh could ever come close to creating some kind of window into how I really felt about him.

We laid beside each other, panting uncontrollably; both of us somewhere between bliss and relief.
I couldn’t do anything but force my mind to remain in this moment. I didn’t want to think about all the things to come; the definite, like play-offs and finals, and the uncertain, mainly things surrounding my father and my relationship with Sidney.

#34 - Careful What You Wish For

2009-12-19T15:00:00.000-08:00

Vulnerable - Secondhand Serenade

“I don’t know what to do man… we’re together all the time. She likes me, a lot, I know she does. I just… I don’t get it. What else does she want from me?” I paced back and forth Greener’s living room as him and Brooks sat on the couch, watching me.

“Maybe she’s just worried about getting caught up in the media thing?” Greener suggested, for the hundredth time.

“Maybe she realized how ugly you are.” Brooks piped in, grinning as he did so.

“Thanks man…” I mumbled, too stressed to really care about his insult.

Greener sighed, taking another sip from his beer. “Maybe you should just put it all out on the line. Tell her, she either wants you, or she doesn’t.” He shrugged nonchalantly as I turned to stare at him.

“And if she says she doesn’t?!” I exclaimed, my face full of fear.

“At least you’d know.” Brooks said simply.

I shook my head; just the idea of Jespin leaving made me upset. “No… no. I’d rather not know and have her… than know and have her leave.”

“Then why the fuck are we even having this conversation. There ya go! You don’t wanna risk it so… let’s move on.”

“I want her to be my girlfriend Brooks! Not just the girl I sleep with.” I spat, shaking my head again.

“Jesus Ovie… you’re getting the milk for free… but you still wanna spend the money on a cow…? It makes no sense.”

“Did you just compare Jes to a cow?” I asked, hostility in my voice as I stepped towards him.

“I was joking! Fuck! She must be good in the sack for you to freak out this bad… of course… you’re sisters probably better.” Brooks laughed, punching Greener in the arm. “But then again, she’s a total freak…”

Greener didn’t dignify that with a response, shaking his head as he looked away. I wasn’t going to get any help with this… not with Brooks here.

“What are you thinking? You think she’s seeing that other guy?” I asked Greener once we were finally alone.

He shook his head. “No. If she was going to spend time with you and sleep with you behind his back, it wouldn’t make a difference if you had a title or not. You guys go out in public now and she doesn’t care, the only way he’d find out you two were together would be if he follows hockey… closely” He shrugged. “There’s something else here man… I just don’t know what it is.”

“Could you find out?” I asked sheepishly, quietly. He looked up at me and raised his eyebrows. “Greener… there is some reason why she doesn’t want to date me, and I don’t know what it is. We get along great, we talk all the time, we spend lots of time together… the sex is… fantastic. Please, find out. Tell me that I’m not completely crazy for being with her.
Greener, I’m falling hard here man…”

He let out a low whistle, surprise crossing his face. “I’ll go talk to her man… but I don’t know if she’ll tell me what’s going on…” I nodded, silently pleading that this would work out.
I didn’t want to be without her, but I need to know she was in this too. I knew I couldn’t stop myself from caring about her; but I need to know what I was doing wrong. I needed to know what was wrong with me.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Chasing You - Kina Grannis (Doesn't start till about 1:17 in)

“Mike? What are you doing here?” I asked, smiling as the sheepish looking defenseman walked past me into my kitchen.

“I came to talk to you… it’s kinda… weird and personal actually…” I bit my lip as he rocked back and forth on his heels; uncomfortable, nervous.

“Umm… sure, ok.” I nodded, closing the door and heading into my living room, Mike following closely behind.
We both sat down on the couch, neither one of us saying anything at all for a few minutes. “So… are you gonna tell me why you came here?”
I was starting to get nervous, Mike was never this quiet, not ever. Maybe Alex sent him here to break up with me! My heart started to pound immediately, like an airplane taking off; it’s acceleration rocked through my body.
I began to draw in quick, short breaths; causing myself to get light-headed.

“Are you ok Jes?” I nodded, too quickly. The action causing a wave of nausea to hit me as I clutched onto the side of the couch. “Jes?”

“Why?” I half-sobbed as I focused on Mike.

“Why… why what?” He asked, his voice going up a pitch as he stared at my eyes; more specifically, at the tears that were growing in them. “Oh… it’s not… I don’t think it’s as bad as you think it is…” Mike said, sliding over until he was beside me. “Ok, I don’t think that made sense. Look Jes, why won’t you date him?”

“I am dating him…”

“No I mean, why won’t you go public with him? Make it official?”

I shook my head, looking away. “He’s gonna leave isn’t he?” It was the only thing I could say.

“No… I don’t know. He just… doesn’t understand… none of us do.” He said quietly, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “You like him, right?” I nodded. “Then what is it… are you dating that guy from Pittsburgh? You can tell me Jes, between us.”

I sighed and shook my head, trying to find some way around this. I couldn't tell Mike the truth; the implications were terrifying. I wasn't ashamed of who I was, not at all; but that didn't make this any easier.
I felt like superwoman. Washington was my public persona, the place where no one knew who I really was; where I was free to make choices and decisions that affected only my life, and not the lives of my family.
By telling Mike the truth, I was opening myself up, taking away my safe place. There would be no more hiding behind the mask; all the expectations and implications of being the daughter of a hockey legend would crash in around me like waves of judgement.
I wanted to curl up into a ball. Run away to my secret layer. Continue to hide, safe and sound, behind the namelessness I had created for myself. The only thing that gave me pause was the questions surrounding Mikes visit.
If Alex had sent him here to find out, then it meant Alex was on his last leg. I wouldn't loose Alex, I couldn't.

With a deep breath I turned to face Mike, fear rocking through my body as the pieces of my new life began to fall away; exposing me for what I was. “No… we’re not dating but, I guess you could say it has to do with him…” Mike sat still, silent, waiting. “The ironic thing is… you already know who he is…” I paused to study him; his face was confused, worried. “Sidney Crosby.”

“Like… really?” He said shocked, his face a mixture of surprise and humour.

“Yep.” I breathed, steadying myself for the accusations of betrayal that were sure to follow.

“So, you like him and that-”

“No. I mean, I do like him but… not in the way I like Alex… it’s more complicated than that…” Mike chuckled, raising an eyebrow at me; he probably thought I was crazy, what could be more complicated than that? I bit my lip, the biggest secret bubbling up inside of me as I thought of Alex, of why I needed to do this. “I lied to you guys. My last name isn’t Landry, it’s Lemieux… Mario’s my father.” I said quickly, pushing the words out in a single breath.

“Shit.” He said, before falling silent again. I waited patiently for him to say something; anything. It was my worst nightmare. The silence echoed around us as Mike mulled my words over in his head, weighing what the best punishment for my lies would be.
Finally, he began laughing. “I’m sorry… that’s hilarious. Holy shit!”

I stared at him, my mouth gaping as he covered his face with his hands and continued to laugh. “You think this is funny?” I hissed, unable to believe what was happening; how could he possibly find humour in this?!

“I’m sorry Jes! I don’t mean to laugh at your life but… that’s like a soap opera or something… wow.” He shook his head, pulling me into a hug. “Is that it though?”

“Is that it?” I spat. What kind of mockery was this? Did he not have any idea what would happen if this went public?
If my father found out he would disown me, send me packing; refusing to have anything to do with a daughter that would sell herself across enemy lines.
Sidney would never speak to me again; he wouldn't even say anything bad. He would just give me that look - that look of complete disappointment and disgust - I could picture too clearly on his face.
Then there was Alex; and the fact that this revaluation would change everything for us, would suck our relationship of all the things that made it beautiful.
It was carefree, simple, perfect. We cared about each other because of who the other person was; not because of a name or a history.
Would he hate me? Would he be disgusted with himself for dating someone that had lied to him about the very core of herself?

“You know what I mean… is that what’s stopping you from being with Alex? You’d date him but you’d worry about how he’d react to this? How your dad would react to this?” I nodded slowly against his chest, wondering what he was going to say. “So… why exactly do you not want Alex to know all this?”

“I’m not sure… it’s just… I don’t want him to treat me any different; good or bad. I just want him to like me because he likes me, not because of my name or who I know or my connections-”

“But you already know that he likes you… I can’t see that really changing his mind. I guess though, if you don’t want to tell him, don’t tell him. That doesn’t mean you can’t date him. Just tell him you don't want some kind of huge 'Ovechkin hoopla' over the whole thing... that way, if it stays out of the press, you wouldn't have to tell your dad.”

I sighed and pulled away to look up at him. “Don’t you think that makes me a horrible person though… if I date him and he doesn’t know the truth?”

He shrugged his shoulders and looked away from me; thoughtfully. “I don’t think so Jes. You’re doing it because you feel that’s what’s best for you… I think Ovie will just be happy if he can call you his girlfriend.”

I knocked on the door, waiting for Alex to answer; nervous as hell. After talking with Mike I still had no idea what I should be doing. I took a deep breath, feeling like it filled me for the first time. Even though I was completely confused, I felt like a weight had been lifted off my chest. Mike knew the truth, and that made me feel good - it was nice having one ally.
I could tell Alex that I cared about him, enough that I wanted to be with him and only him; but could I really do that if I wasn‘t willing to tell him the truth about who I was.
I wasn’t sure what the right thing to do was; the way I saw it, I had three choices. First, I could tell him that I wanted to make things official and then tell him who I was, hoping for the best. Second, I could tell him I wanted to make things official and then not tell him anything else. Or, third, I could walk away. Tell him that it was over and save myself the rejection that might come from him learning about my parentage.
“Hey…” He said slowly as he pulled open the door, glancing around behind me. “What’s up?” I gazed up into his blue eyes, completely unsure as to what I was going to say.

“Alex, we need to talk.”

#33 - Gifts

2009-12-18T15:00:00.000-08:00

Awake - Secondhand Serenade

Movies… check. Presents… check. Take-out Menu… check. It was lucky that Jespin didn’t want anything fancy for her birthday. I was lucky enough to find a gift suitable on such short notice.
What kind of girl doesn’t like birthdays? I could understand when they got old and unattractive, but really, nineteen wasn’t too bad; she was still four years younger than me.
I had decided to get her two things for her birthday; one being the type of things all girls love - jewellery. The second, being something much more personal.

I had never actually given a gift to a girl that wasn’t extravagant or didn’t come with a heavy price-tag, and I was anxious as to whether or not she’d actually like it.

I smiled over my shoulder as she bounced down the stairs in her pajama pants, grinning broadly. “Ready for bed?” I chuckled as she closed the distance between us, throwing her arms around my middle.

“Mmm… nope. Didn’t get dressed at all!” She squealed excitedly. And she said she didn’t like birthdays… I thought, rolling my eyes as she hopped onto the couch. “It’s my birthday so… I can stay in my PJs all day if I want.” She explained, flipping through the movies that were piled on the coffee table in front of her.

“Oh… I thought you said you didn’t do anything special for your big day.”

“No…” She said shaking her head. “I said I didn’t want you to do anything special for my big day. I’m totally happy to just spend a night together.”

“So does that mean you don’t want your presents then?” I laughed as her eyes got big and she attempted to keep the smile off her face.

“I hope you didn’t spend too much…” She said anxiously as excitement and worry flashed in her eyes simultaneously.

I shook my head, walking over to the large blue bag on the floor. I picked it up and headed back towards her, slowly.
Flopping down beside her I pulled out the smaller present, a long, flat, blue box. I handed it to her and she turned it over in her hands; sighing when her fingers traced over the sprawling letters in the word ’Tiffany’. “Alex…” She began, and I could feel her in taking air for the scolding that was about to ensue.

“It wasn’t expensive, promise.” I said quickly, cutting her off. She bit her lip and nodded, hesitantly pulling off the lid.
A smile tugged at the corner of her mouth as she pulled the pendent out of the box. “I know it’s not the best looking thing but… you didn’t give me much time and… everything in there was keys!” I said frustrated, trying to explain why it wasn’t perfect. Why it wasn’t good enough for her.

“No… it’s beautiful…” She smiled. “Help me put it on…” Relief flooded through me as I took the small chain in my hands, fitting the clasp around her neck. The silver key dangled down until the tip was gently laying between her cleavage. She continued to roll it over in her fingers until I grabbed onto her hands and pulled her into my lap.

“I still have one more but… this one is sort of… a different gift.” I said lamely, colour rising in my cheeks. Great, now I’m fucking blushing… god this was a stupid idea.
I sighed, pulling the larger box out of the bag and handing it to her. “It was my grandmothers.” I said, looking away from her as she pulled the cardboard box open.

She gasped, and I looked back at her. “Alex…” She said slowly, shaking her head as she held the large, red egg in her hands. “I can’t take this… it’s a family antique.”

I shook my head and pressed the gold clasp at the top, letting the shell fall open to reveal the tiny blond dancer. She began to spin, a Russian lullaby filling the silent air around us. “My grandmother gave it to me a long, long time ago… she reminded me of you…” I explained pointing to the little dancer.

“She’s a ballerina.” Jespin whispered, her eyes watching each tiny rotation faithfully. “It’s…” She shook her head, unable to find the words.

“I would have gotten you something better… but… I didn’t have anytime to come up with-”

“Shh…” She said, hushing me as she set the egg down on the table. “It’s… the best gift anyone’s ever given me.”

I stared at her incredulity. I gave this to her because I wanted her to have something of me, something that meant more to me than money; a piece of my past. She wasn’t suppose to like it. I was giving it to her to make myself feel like she was a bigger part of my life; it was selfish, and, I hadn't expected her to like it. She wrapped her arms around me and I held her tightly, kissing the top of her head.

“Ugh!” I groaned as the phone rang. I wanted to keep holding her and let it go to voicemail; but it was her birthday…

She hopped up and ran into the kitchen. “Hello? Oh… hi! Umm… yah, no it was good. Yep. Thanks. Yah, I miss you guys too… I know, ok… I’m kind of busy… yah. Talk to you soon, bye.”

It wasn’t a personal conversation; I could tell by the tone of her voice that she didn’t want to be on the phone at all, that lead me to believe one thing. It was him. Of course he’s calling… why wouldn’t he. It doesn’t matter how much time she spends with me… she’s still technically on the market. I tried to wipe the pain off my face as she came back into the room.
I didn’t want to discuss this tonight, not right now. I still had one present to give her, and I didn’t want to ruin the mood by trying to pressure her into a relationship.
But we were going to talk about it, soon.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Birthday Sex - Jeremih

Alex came up behind me as I scrubbed at our dinner dishes in the sink. I smiled to myself as his arms wound around my waist and he nuzzled his face into my neck. “Can I help you with something?” I asked, biting my lip as he pressed himself against me; pinning me between his body and the counter.
He drew his face back, moving his hands up to my shoulders; still using his lower half to hold me in place.
His hands began to move expertly over my shoulders and back; rubbing, squeezing and working my sore muscles. I let out a contented moan as he began to apply more force, rocking my body with each move of his large hands.

Slowly, he began to pull down the straps of my tank top, kissing each place the fabric touched on its’ descent. I turned around as the pressure keeping me against the counter lessened; until I was able to grin up at him.

He smiled back down sheepishly, before grabbing onto my sides and pulling me upwards. I stood on my tiptoes as he brought his face down onto my exposed breasts; gasping as the heat from his mouth caused goosebumps to spread across my flesh.
Alex moved down onto his knees as he pulled his shirt off over his head and tossed it away. He grabbed onto the tank top, that was now resting at my waist, pulling it down to my feet.
My PJ pants followed and I stepped out of them as his fingers pushed their way inside my tiny pink shorts, rubbing gently against my clit.

He stood back up suddenly, and snatched my hips in his hands; throwing me over his shoulder. “Alex!” I screamed as he headed out of the kitchen.
He balanced me in place as he climbed the stairs, throwing me down onto the bed once we reached my room.
I giggled as I hit the plush surface, feeling the heat growing between my legs as I watched him shimmy out of his jeans.

He tilted his head to the side and appraised me; planning his next move. I could see the ideas mulling through his head as his eyes began to drift over my body.
Finally he reached out, sliding his hands down my thighs, spreading them wider as he crawled onto the bed between them.

Knowing my body better than anyone, he was able to play it like a well tuned instrument; for his pleasure and mine. He could tease me easily, thrusting until I clenched around him tightly; then he would stop - just short of another orgasm for me.

He grinned down at me as he halted his rhythm, causing me to purr with anticipation. I swayed my hips, hoping he’d change his tempo and give me the release I was so desperate for. But he didn’t.
Laughing lightly at the urgency in my moans; he started fucking me slowly until my eyes rolled back into my head. Starting to whine I reached down, my hand fumbling between us in an attempt to pull myself over the edge. “Patients is a virtue babe…” he groaned into my ear, laughter in his voice. He loved this.
He loved being able to make me beg and plead; he loved knowing that he could do anything to me - get away with anything he wanted.
Normally I hated his ability to manipulate me, but when it came to how he toyed with me between the sheets, I couldn't care less.

My entire body was in knots. My legs were shaking with tension and my stomach was contracting with pain as I glare up at him. I bite into my lip until I taste blood; not caring that I was only feeding into his obsessive need for domination.

“Baby, it‘s my birthday…“ I whined, reaching up and raking my nails down his chest. “Don’t tease me, Alex.“
A feral growl of pleasure emitted from his chest at the sound of his name. With a snarl still on his lips he reared back and then quickly forward, slamming into me fiercely.
Snapping my head back I scream myself hoarse as I began careening over the edge of bliss; too out of it to notice that he was right there with me.

#32 - Charm And Attention

2009-12-17T15:00:00.000-08:00

Slow Club - When I Go

I stood in between Mike and Feds, watching Alex handle the press like a pro; alright maybe not a pro… I thought, smiling to myself as the reporters erupted with laughter around him.
It wasn’t like watching my dad or Sidney do interview; they were both so proper. I always assumed that it was the best way, but they always sounded so plain; so cut and dry. There was no laughter, no jokes; just text book responses.

Alex was different. The Capitals’ PR workers always tried to make him say certain things; he never did though. He said what was on his mind, what he was thinking; he spoke the truth - or at least the truth as he saw it. It was endearing enough that you couldn’t help but be charmed by him. I was positive he could win anyone over, well, when he was behaving and not allowing his ego to inflate again.

“So what’s up with you guys anyway?” Mike whispered, leaning over to hear me better.

I shrugged my shoulders, not really wanting to have this conversation with Mike. I loved the guy to death, but Alex and I hadn’t even figured that out yet. “I don’t know.” I answered honestly, blushing as I felt Feds turn his attention on me too. “We haven’t discussed it really…” I sighed.

“He told me he you said no when he asked you out.” Mike said, grinning sheepishly.

“I did not say no! I just said I needed time to think about it… and why was he telling you about that?” I asked, completely shocked that Alex was saying anything about his relationship with me.

“He was over at my place a few weeks ago.” He explained, still grinning. “He seemed very put out but… I just can’t figure it out. I mean, you get along so well and you’re always together… why not just make it official?”

Sighing, I looked away. I had no idea what to say to that; because for someone who didn’t actually understand the relationship’s implication on me, I had no solution. We did get along great, fantastic even; and we were together almost all the time. It seemed like only a natural progression to move into the ’official’ relationship stage. “It’s complicated.” I finally said, as Alex made him way over to us.

“Sorry about that…” He grinned, keeping a respectful distance from me as the cameras continued to follow him.

“No worries.” I said as I ran my hands down along the sides of my dress; I really needed to tell Alex that pink wasn’t my colour.
It was another random charity dinner for the Capitals; it seemed like there was another one every other week.
This time however, I had gone as Alex’s unsanctioned date; that was the best explanation I had for the attention grabbing dress.

I thought it made me look horrible, but I kept seeing Alex’s eyes drift down my curves every now and then; that was the upside to it. The only upside.

When the dinner started I took my seat with beside Ben and a few of the upper scale employees; much to Alex’s dismay. I hated the idea of sitting across the room from him for the rest of the night; but it was the only way that made sense if we were trying to remain inconspicuous.
With my luck this whole thing was probably being televised, and the last thing I needed was a phone call from my dad wondering why Ovechkin had his arm around me.

I sighed, wondering how easy this all would be if my dad was someone else; than I instantly regretted the thought. I felt guilty for even allowing the words to filter through my brain; this was my problem not his. I needed to stop using him as an excuse as to why I couldn’t be with Alex.
Maybe he’d be as tolerant as mom. Maybe he would say that he was fine with it, as long as it was what I wanted. That, was most likely wistful thinking, but then again, it wouldn’t be the first time he’d surprised me.
Suddenly, the idea of going official didn’t seem so bad.

I liked Alex, too much for my own good; but regardless, I knew he was the one that I wanted to be with.
The realization hit me like a ton of bricks, and had me searching the room for him at once. He was chatting with Mike, both of them looking intense. He caught my eye a minute later and shot me a pitiful look; tugging at my heartstrings, as if he was actually in distress. He was such a baby sometimes… I sighed, not necessarily viewing that as a bad thing.
He had enough charm that he was able to get away with those kinds of things; more charm than any one man should be allowed.

I continued to watch him and Mike as their conversation became less serious; eventually leading to them getting scolded by Boudreau for being too rowdy. I couldn’t help but grin; both at them and at my revelation. I was going to tell Alex that I was ready for it, for us.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Kiss A Girl - Keith Urban

She smiled at me from across the room and I pouted back. Normally, when I dated someone, it was as eye-candy, a trophy wife; so to speak. I didn’t actually care if they were beside, but they always were - making sure no other girls were coming on to me.
I looked at Jespin, wishing that she had agreed to sit with me. I was already ecstatic that she came here tonight, but I would have enjoyed the evening more if she was beside me. “So… Jespin‘s still not dating you, which makes total sense to me. She‘s a total fuckin’ babe and you‘re… you... but for some reason she‘s all gaga eyes over there. What the hell did you do to her?” Greener asked, leaning towards me.

I grinned sheepishly, my mind automatically falling into the gutter. I started remember specific details about the quickie we had in the shower before we got here. “You’re gonna have to be a lot less vague than that…” I chuckled causing Greener to groan.

“Why is everyone else getting some except me?” He huffed, unintentionally loud enough to draw the attention of some other team-mates. It didn`t bother me any though, I was too busy wishing Jespin was close enough to kiss.

“Mike…” Brooks whispered urgently from down the table.

“What?” He hissed back, folding his arms across his chest. Brooks mouthed the word ‘I’, pointing at his actual eye. “I…” Greener repeated out loud. Brooks made a thrusting gesture and mouthed the word ‘fucked’. “Fucked…”
Brooks leaned back and grinned, pointing a thumb at Greener’s sister, Kelly; who was sitting beside him. “Oh! Fuck you dude!” Greener yelled loudly, gaining the attention from some other tables. “I hate you so much…” He groaned as Boudreau came over and began to cuss us out.

“Cocksucker…” Greener said quietly as Coach B finished his rant and walked away from us.
We both looked back over at Brooks who was grinning broadly. He lifted up his hand, closing his fingers one by one until only his pointer finger and middle finger were still stick up. He wrapped one arm around his girlfriends’ shoulders, and lowered the other hand below the table, in her direction.
Kelly stiffened as her mouth opened in shock. She snapped her head in Brook’s direction staring at him incredulity as his arm began to make slow jerking movements. I heard Greener hiss beside me before he launched a dinner roll at Brooks’ head.

“What were you guys doing over there? I thought Boudreau was gonna have a heart attack… he doesn’t even get that upset during games…” Jespin asked absently, gazing out the window as we headed back to her house.

“Ah…” I said slowly, trying to buy myself sometime. I was very sexually active with Jespin, but for some reason; talking about something sexual in the manner Brooks did, didn’t feel right. “Brooks and Greener were just… fighting with each other…”
I was glad when she didn’t pressure me anymore than that.

Her phone began to vibrate in her pursue and she answered it. Speaking for a few minutes before hanging up, sighing.
It vibrated again a minute later and she acted out the same thing. Answering, speaking for a minute, then hanging up.
The third time it went off I glanced at the dashboard’s clock; wondering why so many people were calling her at midnight. “What’s going on?”

“Just my family calling…” She replied, sighing again.

“At midnight? Three times?”

“My mom, my dad and then one of my sisters…” She explained still not making much sense. I raised my eyebrows at her, still wondering. “It’s officially my birthday now…” She said quietly, glancing back out the window.

“What do you mean it’s your birthday?” I spat, nearly taking the car off the road.

She turned around to face me. “It’s February 3rd now… my birthday.”

I looked back out the windshield in complete shock. Did I know this? Did she tell me this? How did I forget this? I don’t have anything for her… oh shit! I didn’t get her anything… fuck! “Ah… I didn’t know.” I said, completely apologetic, hoping she wasn’t about to freak out.

“I know. That’s cause I didn’t tell you.” She said simply, reaching over to squeeze my knee reassuringly. “I don’t like making a big deal out of birthdays and I knew that you’d try to make a big production out of it.”

“Well, what do you want then?” I asked, not disputing her. She was right after all, I would have thrown a huge party for her.

“I don’t know… long road trip coming up, we could just hang at my place, watch movie or whatever…”

I nodded, still trying to figure out what I was going to buy her. “Alright, that sounds… reasonable.”

We fell silent after that, even though my mind was racing. I needed to get her something special, something fantastic, something great. But what?

#31 - Last Thing I Saw

2009-12-16T15:00:00.000-08:00

When I Look At You - Leslie Roy

I’d gotten too close with Alex over the past couple weeks. Way, way too close. There were a few times when I’d come close to getting caught in a lie, too close to having him call me out on something.
He knew something was off. It didn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that there was something else going on. He just didn’t realize that that ‘something else’ happened to revolve around the Pittsburgh Penguins

He’d broken down my walls easier than I ever thought possible; and in return I’d tried to push him away. I didn’t want him to find out who I was… I was too scared of loosing him now. It was a vicious circle.
I was a afraid that he was going to leave because I was pushing him away. I was pushing him away because I was scared he’d find out the truth. I was scared if he found out the truth then he would leave… and then I ended up back to pushing him away.

That’s why the vodka tasted so good. It burned my throat but it also numbed my body. Numbed it until I couldn’t feel anything.
Even better was the feeling of the dance floor beneath my feet; and Alex’s body pressed up against my back, his hot breath on my neck.

I could remember the last time I had gotten this intoxicated; and oddly enough, it had also involved Alex and a dance floor.
Of course this time it was different. There was still the hormones and heavy petting; but it wasn’t vague this time around, it carried with it a intense need and definitive ending. We both knew where how this was going to go down.

I was starting to fall for him; but I didn’t want to think about that. All I wanted to think about was the here and now. This, and how real ’this’ was.

Even though it had literally been just a few months since I met Alex; I already couldn’t imagine what it would be like without him. It was hard to imagine a Washington where he didn’t exist - what else would be here for me?

I didn’t want to - no, I couldn’t - think about that. I had to pretend that the season would never end, that I would never loose him; that he would never change his mind.

Taking one last chug of my cup I tossed it towards the garbage can; missing by a foot. Sighing, I turned around until I was facing Alex. He grabbed my hips and pulled me against him; grinning as I wound my arms around his neck.
He bent towards me, his lips crashing down on top of mine. I answered back willingly, not carrying that there was hundreds of people around us; probably watching us.
I had never been addicted to drugs before, but I was positive I knew what it felt like. Knew what it felt like to need something so badly it caused you physical pain. Need something so badly you couldn’t focus on anything else; luckily, for some absurd reason, Alex felt the same way about me.

I tilted my head back, tearing away from his kiss in order to gasp for air. He didn’t pull away. He moved down to my exposed neck, his teeth dragging along the skin. The next time I gasped, it wasn’t from lack of air.

I could feel the desire pulsing through my veins as I swayed my pelvis into him; feel the tingle of lust seep down to the heat in between my legs. We had to leave now - before I started pulling off his clothes.
Alcohol, plus hormones, plus Alex, was forever going to be a dangerous equation for me.
Pulling myself up I pushed my lips against his ear, “Alex…” I moaned, knowing I wouldn’t have to say anything else. The best thing about him was that we were always on the same page; at least when it came to the physical things.

He chuckled loudly, releasing his hold on my waist and grabbing my hand. Tugging on me, he pulled my through the crowd of people and back up the stairs towards some of the other Capitals.
He grabbed our coats off one of the couches and headed, full tilt, towards the back exit.
I laughed as he dragged me behind him through the dark parking lot; it was nice to know he needed this just as badly as I did. Flattering really…

He used the buttons on his key to unlock the Lamborghini; pulling my door open and flipping up the front seat. “Get in.” He ordered, ushering me inside.
I bent low, crawling towards the back slowly; trying not to fall over from the alcohol. He let out a low growl of impatient and slapped my ass, hard. I let out a yelp, biting my lip as I slid into the seat as fast as I could.
He slammed the door and moved around the front of the yellow hood.

He pulled the door open and then locked it; slamming it behind him as he crawled into the back beside me.
Alex let out at sigh, looking down at my shirt and then back up at me. Thank god for tinted windows… I thought with pleasure, as I pulled the green fabric up and over my head.

Alex was on me before I was completely free of my top; his hands expertly undoing the back of my bra and casting it away. He pulled me onto his lap, his eyes drinking me in as his hands began to dig into the soft flesh around my nipples. “Vi znachete vce k mne…” he mumbled, before his teeth dug into my shoulder. I let out a feral growl, too overcome with need to care about what he was saying. If it wasn’t in English and didn’t involve to word ’fucking’, I was in no mood to hear it.

His hands ran up my bare legs and underneath the skirt I was wearing. I reached down, undoing his pants and sliding my hands under his boxers; grasping his hard cock in my hands and pulling it out.
His fingers grabbed at the tiny black panties I was wearing and shoved them aside roughly; forcing me downwards until I was impaled on him.

I groaned in sheer pleasure as he began to lift me up and down, pumping my body along his length; filling me over and over. I felt myself tighten around him as his dick repeatedly pounded into me; demanding my immediate climax.
Obliging I wrapped myself around his neck, whimpering as the feeling of release over took me.

Grunting, he followed second later; his muscular arms winding themselves around my tightly. He held me still - safe and securely - for a few minutes before he sighed deeply.
I started to giggle as I looked around for my shirt. “I can’t believe we just had sex in a parking lot. The parking lot of a bar no less… that’s so sketchy…”

“When the car cost more than the bar, it’s ok.” He smirked, doing his pants back up and moving into the driver’s seat.

Once I had pulled my bra and shirt back on I climbed into the front seat beside him. Leaning the back of my head against the window so I could look at him as he drove. I was still fairly intoxicated, and that, mixed with the energy I had just spent in the back of the car, was making me feel dopey and tired.
I covered a yawn with the back of my hand as he smiled to himself.

I tried to keep my eyes awake and focused on him; as the lights of the side reflected through the windshield, casting different colours across his face. My neck was cramping from the position I was holding it in, but it didn’t matter. If I was going to fall asleep, I’d be damned if he wasn’t going to be the last thing I saw.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I Will Follow You Into The Dark Night - Death Cab For Cutie(Cover)

I took one last glance at her, just as her eyes finally closed. I shook my head and turned my direction back to the street in front of me.
The light was turning red and I began to slow down as gently as possible. I didn’t want to disturb her as she let out a gentle snore.

The guys were never going to let me live down what happened at the bar; but it didn’t matter, it was worth it - Jespin was worth it.
I could see the looks that the boys were giving me on my mad dash, and I knew I’d have to answer for it later; the laughter, cat-calls, snide remarks.

I sat at the red light, waiting for it to change; taking the opportunity to look over at her again. Her head was flopping down onto her chest; her arms limp. She was completely zonked out.
I smiled and looked at the clock, it was going to be after two by the time I got over to her place; I opted for mine instead.
I changed lanes just as the light switched to green, turning the car left onto my street.

I pulled my Lamborghini into the empty garage stall, glancing over at Jespin again. I started to laugh quietly as she mumbled some incoherent words, shaking my head before I got out of the car.
I moved around to the other side of the vehicle, slowly opening her door and trying to insure that she didn’t fall out on the floor.

I grabbed her out of the seat and hoisted her up into my arms, kicking the door shut behind me. She was extremely light so I had no problem carrying her through the door and up the flight of stairs to my bedroom.
I laid her down on the bed, tucking a few stray strands of hair behind her ears, before I pulled the quilt up to her chest.

I sat down beside her, running my fingers along the side of her face as she slept soundly; her breathing causing the black bedcovers to shift slightly.
Her pale skin stood out against the dark sheets, illuminating the perfect curves of her face. That was the best way to describe her, perfect.

It felt strange; having so many different emotions directed at one person, it was something I’d never experienced before. There were times when I just wanted to take her in my arms and hold her, never let go her go. Other times I wanted to make her scream out; I wanted to dig my fingers into her and listen to her cry my name as my body moved inside of hers.
Then there were the times that were the most confusing of all. The times that I just wanted to be around her, talk to her and listen to her. I could listen to her talk forever, about anything; school, her intern, her family. I could confide in her too. Tell her almost all my secrets and fears, or just be around her; not saying anything at all.

I couldn’t imagine not being with her now; she’d altered me so completely, there was no going back.
I wasn’t just use to her, she’d become one of the greatest parts of my life; one of the few people I could count on at any time.

There were times when I wanted to tell her how I felt, how I really felt; but I was too scared. Not scared because I thought she didn’t love me back, or because I was too much of a coward to say the words; but because thinking about it took me back to a darker place.
I wasn’t worthy of love.

It hadn’t been an issue before; I didn’t love the women that I was with, but that was fine. It was my reimbursement, my compensation.
I wasn’t allowed to have everything. I could have the fame and the money, the talent and the dream job; but love, that was just too much.
When I thought about telling her that I loved her, I remembered about Sergi. I remembered about the day that he died, and I remembered that it was my fault.

He wanted me to have this life; he wanted me to be the greatest hockey player in the world, and I did it, for him. But I couldn’t have this too.
So I didn’t say anything.

I undressed, laying down beside her and positioning her until she was against me. I gently kissed the side of her head before turning off the light. I could still see her slightly, the lights from the streetlamp shining in through the window.
I watched her until I felt my eyelids grow too heavy to remain open; satisfied that she was the last thing I saw.

#30 - Poetic Truth.

2009-12-15T15:00:00.000-08:00

Just Like A Star - CBR

The memories of last night came flooding back to me before I even opened my eyes. I sighed as I felt the warmth of a naked body next to me; wrapped against me tightly by the blankets of the bed.
Alex kissed my shoulder lightly as I shifted around; turning my body until I was facing him. He looked different; not counting the angry red lines that were running down the front of his shoulders. I looked back up into his eyes, smiling slightly at how worried he looked. “You ok?” He asked quietly, staring at me intently. I nodded, grinning. So, maybe last night had not turned out at all like I had expected, but at least I knew for sure now that Alex and I had a deep chemistry; the only problem now, was trying to figure out whether or not that was a good thing.
He breathed a sigh of relief before hugging me against him; kissing the top of my head. “And you’re ok with…?” He raised his eyebrows in a ‘ya know‘ manner, causing me to giggle.

“Since when did you learn empathy?” I teased - my voice raspy from screaming last night - as his hand ran down the side of my face.

He shrugged in response, licking his lips and watching me carefully. “I like you Jespin. I want you…” I inadvertently groaned in agreement; my body getting excited just at the very thought of having him again. “No…” He sighed as I wrapped my arms around him; causing me to freeze in place. “I want to be with you… I want you to belong to me.”

“Belong to you?” I asked incredulity as he trailed gentle kisses along my jaw.

“Mmm… wrong words.“ He sighed deeply before speaking again. “Be my girlfriend?” He asked; more sweetly than I ever thought possible. I opened my mouth to say something, but closed it; not trusting my voice.
There were so many thoughts running through my head all at once; was this really what I wanted? If I said yes then there would be no going back on it. I was either in it, or I wasn’t.
The problems that could arise from the were countless. This would completely piss off my dad, make Sidney hate me, cause the whole Pens organization to disown me; but at that moment, I didn’t care. “Alex…” I whispered softly as he clutched me against him. “I like you… you know that now but…”

“But you don’t want me to ask you when we’re both naked?”

I sighed, grinning slightly. “Maybe just give me a couple days? I’m not saying no… I just… need to work some things out first?“ I asked slowly, trying to make him understand that this wasn’t a rejection. He chuckled seeming unaffected by my statement as he rolled over on top of me. I could fell his hard-on gently slap against my stomach as he held himself up above me.

“Does that mean no more sex?“ He raised an eyebrow at me, causing me to giggle again as I shook my head and reached down, guiding him inside of me.
He worked away at a happy-medium tempo unlike last night; slow but still powerful.

After a few minutes he pulled out completely, rolling me over onto my stomach and pushing my legs aside with his knee. He gripped my hips firmly in his hands as he brought me up to meet him; impaling me on him as he pushed inside of me as far as he could.
I groaned as I felt my body shift to accommodate his size; trying to catch my breath as he began to move in and out of me, with powerful, confident movements.
He grinned down at me as he gracefully balanced me on the edge of bliss; his eyes burning with a different kind of desire than last night. Different, but no less intense.

My voice was still raspy as I curled up next to Alex on the couch. After screaming myself hoarse last night and again this morning, a few minutes of muteness seemed like a good idea. I smiled to myself as he flicked through the TV channels; feeling like I had learned a secret.
There were two sides to Alex. The first one, being the one everyone knew. The cocky, conceited, pig-headed hockey player who fully believed he was God’s gift to the world; if not God himself.
Then the other side; the one very few people ever saw. A vulnerable, kind, compassionate person that had flaws (well, flaws everywhere except in the sex department) and fears, just like everyone else. Of course, I wouldn’t try to explain that to anyone just yet…

The phone began to ring and I groaned, not wanting to move off of my new Russian body pillow.
After the third ring I finally rolled off the couch and headed into the living room.

It was Keisha, and on reflex, I told her everything about Alex. She was surprised, shocked and excited; but not worried in the least. “So are you together now? Should I be learning Russian?”

“He speaks English Keisha… and no. He asked but I told him I needed more time… I’m still not sure if it’s the right thing to do or not.” I sighed, glancing back over towards the couch where Alex was still absorbed in the television. “I mean, I do really like him but… putting a title on it just feels so… real. Like there’s no going back.”

“Well Jes… I’m gonna be honest with you. He’s kind of ugly; not my type at all. But you were pretty upset over him a little while ago… so that tells me you really like him; really, really like him.
Don’t rush into anything you’re not sure of, but don’t miss out on something ‘real’ just because you’re afraid of the outcome.”

I sighed, not bother to argue with her when I knew she was right. We made plans to hang out and then I got off the phone; feeling more confused and anxious than ever.

“Who was that?” Alex asked as his eyes glazed over the TSN highlights from last night.

“My friend Keisha… you met her before.” He nodded, not looking up at me. “I told her about this… if that's ok...” He turned around and smiled at me.

“Really?” I nodded as I flopped down beside him, causing his grin to widen. He leaned over and kissed me on the lips; sending sparks down to my toes. “I’m gonna have to go…” He said as he pulled away, “but, think you’ll sit next to me on the plane ride?” Ugh plane ride… ugh Tampa… how did I forget? My hesitation caused him to frown. “You don’t want anyone from the team to know we‘re not fighting anymore?” There was sadness in his voice as he turned back to the TV.

“I never said that… but they‘ll assume that we… do you want them to know?” He snapped his head back to me, staring at me with disbelief.

“Of course I want people to know! Jespin, I asked you to be my girlfriend. I know that we‘re not together, yet, but yah… I want to tell everyone.”

I smiled at him, wrapping my arms around his neck. “Then I guess I’ll see you on the plane.” I said softly before kissing him gently.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

You Belong To Me - Lifehouse

“I thought she hated you…” Greener groaned as he sat across the aisle from me.

“Did it look like she hated me the other day in the x-ray room?” I asked forcefully, causing Greener to shrug.

“I guess not… but… I can‘t believe she‘s not mad at you anymore? What the hell did you do to her? It‘s the mob connections isn‘t it?! I knew you had something to do with the Russian mob!”

I rolled my eyes and looked away. Retard. But even Greener’s stupid comments couldn’t keep me down; I had made love to Jespin. Not just made love to her, but connected with her; there was no denying it now - there was something there, something deep and perfect.

“Ugh!“ Greener groaned again, causing me to look at him. “Dude, she is way too hot for you.“ I shot him a dirty look before whacking him off the side of the head with an empty water bottle.

I turned to the front of the plane in time to see Jespin coming on. Normally medical and coaching staff sat in the front, so she didn’t attract any attention until she was halfway to me.
I saw some of the guys turning around, trying to figure out where she was going. Literally every head in the plane turned towards us as she squeezed past, plunking down between the window and me.

I was originally planning on playing it cool, but she had told her friend about us; so I didn’t see the problem with letting the team know what was up. Plus, I knew a lot of the guys on the team thought she was hot, so just to prove the point that she was off limits; I dropped my arm around her shoulder, pulling her towards me and giving her a kiss on the temple. “Hey.” She whispered softly as she smiled over at me. “All ready for your game tonight?”

“Always…” I snorted, shaking my head at the foolish question. I glanced back at her quickly, making sure I didn’t just do something condescending. Jespin was smiling though, glancing out the window as the plane began to roll down the runway.

I pulled Jespin into my arms as soon as I left the locker-room. “I never thought I‘d get out of there… too many reporters.” I sighed, glancing over my shoulder to make sure no one was listening. It was one thing for the boys to see me with Jespin; it was another for them to see me being all ‘sappy’, I’d never live it down.

“Geesh… someone’s gonna think you have feelings if you keep that up.” She mocked, flashing me a grin before giving me a playful shove. I laughed back, pulling her under my arm as I steered her towards the exit.
It was amazing how quickly we were able to change the dynamics of our relationship. I felt more comfortable with her than anyone; more satisfied, more contented than every before.

“Ovie, Jespin! We’re going swimming!!” Mo screamed, running past us with some of the boys close on his heels.

“Swimming?” I asked her, licking my lips at the thought of her in a tight, tiny, sexy two-piece…

“Umm… I think I’ll pass…” She said slowly as I pushed the door open, ushering her outside.

I frowned. “Forget your suit?”

She shook her head as we headed across the street. “No… I usually go swimming with Georgia on away games but… umm… I don’t really like wearing my swimsuit in front of people…” She said quietly, causing me to roll my eyes.

She looked even better than I could have imagined. She stood in front of the mirror, glowering at her reflection for a few minutes before grabbing for a shirt. I’d never seen a girl with less confidence in herself, it was unnerving.
From what I had heard of her family; they were fantastic. Not the type of people to put their children down, or make them feel bad about themselves.
No, this had ex-boyfriend all over it. “What did he do to you?” I asked slowly, pulling the shirt away from her before she could don it. I wrapped my arms around her and pulling her against my chest, tightly.

“Who?” Her eyes snapped up to stare back at me through the mirror.

“Whoever he was… the guy that was here before me…”

“Oh…” She says softly, glancing down at the floor to avoid my stare. “Nothing.“ She shrugged, still looking away.

“Don’t lie to me Jes… you’re perfect, but you always want to hide it. Why?”

She sighed, shifting her weight nervously before glancing up at me. “He didn’t do anything it was just… I kind of felt inferior to him… not good enough.” She shrugged, acting like it was no big deal. Like the idea of her not being good enough was actually plausible.

“Jespin.” I said firmly, spinning her around towards me. “You are special. Don’t let anyone say differently. You’re perfect, you’re beautiful… seriously. I’m fucking Alex Ovechkin… do you think I would waste my time with an uggo?“ I chuckled, tracing the curves of her bare skin with my hands.

“Don’t rub my rolls…” She whined, still very much insecure as she slapped my hand away from her smooth, flat stomach.

“You do not have rolls, besides babe, even if you did... there’s so much more beauty to you than your skin…” I sighed; poetic truth.

#29 - The Way You Look

2009-12-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

Ok I have the songs as more of a mental state of each character... but that's not how it was when I wrote this originally... I just found this more fitting.
They're also backwards... so Ovie's POV at the start, the song is more about Jespin's feelings and the same at the end. Jespin's POV but the song is more about Ovie's feelings.
Sorry if that doesn't make sense but the songs didn't match what was happening any other way lol.

Animal - Nickelback

I never let go of her as I pulled her off the counter. Clutching onto her arms I slammed her body into mine. She turned, trying to shrugged me off, but I wrapped one arm around her chest, holding her back against me. My other hand swept her long jet-black hair away from her, exposing the delicate, white skin of her neck.
She didn’t fight me as my lips brushed against her, lightly at first. I tightened my grip and began to plant firm kissing along the crook of her neck, upwards until I was breathing heavily in her ear.
I spun her around, crushing my lips down on hers; feeling her lips answer back earnestly. “Tell me you need me…” I said hoarsely as her body pressed up against me. “Tell me you want me more than anything.”

I knew I was right, I knew that it was true; but she was going to say it first. She shook her head instead, placing her hands on my chest and pushing away lightly. "I don't..." She said softly, causing me to grunt with determination; if she wants to play like that…

I grabbed onto her by the waist of her sweatpants, pulling her towards me before shoving a hand, down past the elastic. She yelped in shock as my fingers shoved their way roughly inside of her folds; feeling her wetness deposit on my fingers. I grinned in victory as I pulled my hand back out, holding my fingers up in front of her face. It was a dick-move, completely, but I didn’t give a shit; I needed her, just as badly as she needed me.

She huffed angrily, red-faced, and tried to shove me away again. Not allowing it, I reached out firmer, grabbing her shirt in my hands and pulling her up towards me. I kissed her gently until I felt her teeth grabbing at my bottom lip.

“What?” I asked, tracing my tongue around the top of her lips as she sighed in frustration. “Say it.” I encouraged, knowing full well she knew exactly what I wanted.

I pulled back as she closed her eyes, sighing softly as she looked down. I saw sadness cross her features and I placed my hand gently underneath her chin, tilting her head upwards.
I didn’t mean to be so forceful, so degrading; it just happened when I opened my mouth. I didn’t want her to feel bad about this, I wanted her to be ok with wanting me; I wanted her to enjoy it. “It’s ok… you don’t have to say anything if you don‘t want.” I said softly as I wrapped my arms around her waist, kissing her passionately.
I took her hand in mine, intending to take her to a bed, or, at the very least a couch; before I realized I knew where neither of those things were. I turned around at the foot of the stairs, just wanting to hold her again.

She grabbed the back of my head, kissing me with force and taking a step forward; I grabbed onto her as I lowered myself onto the staircase. She climbed on top of me, fumbling with my belt while I pushed my hands down the back of her sweatpants.
When I felt the pressure move off my erection; signalling that she had undone my pants, I flipped her over until she was sitting on the stairs.
I grabbed onto the waist of her sweatpants again, this time tugging them off completely, along with the pair of tiny shorts she’d been wearing underneath.

I kicked my way out of my pants before kneeling down; two steps below where she sat. She gripped the step below her, holding onto it tightly as I took her thighs in my hands, tipping her upwards and bringing her lower half off the step.
I moaned as I pushed myself inside of her, half-way; feeling her warmth and wetness shift to surround me, as she purred in agreement.
I could feel myself teetering on the edge already; my body electric with excitement as I pulled her towards me firmly. I took slow, languid thrusts as I moved her body easily the way I wanted it to go - if only she was so easy to manage… I grinned as my heart hammered against my chest.
She moaned deeply with each thrust I took, her knuckles white from her grip on the stairs. Her arms were locked into place as she tried to hold herself up, causing me to chuckle quietly; she was hardly hanging on and I hadn’t even gotten started yet…

“Jespin…” I whispered softly through her sighs of contentment, causing her to look up at me; a seductive pout on her lips. “Hold onto me.” I directed as I leaned forward, allowing her to grip onto my shoulders instead.
Keeping myself inside her I moved up until I was directly below her; laying her back down against the steps gently.
I pushed into her once, powerfully, but still not fully; then I stopped, watching her face for a reaction. She began to whimper at my lack of movement; propelling me into action as I started to repeat my slow momentum.

“Alex…” She sighed into my ear, causing me to grunt in pleasure. “Faster, please…” I pulled back, not bothering to hide the mix of shock and satisfaction that was taking over my face.
I jabbed into her halfway; cringing slightly as an over-powering feeling of pleasure swept through me. I pulled out fully, moving back in slowly; her tight, wet, tautness shifting open, even further, to accommodate me.

I took a deep breath before I started pumping into her, needing no more prompting than her moans of pleasure; bringing her body towards me as her nails drew blood from my shoulders.
She arched her back against my chest as she started to quiver - her first orgasm running out around me, down onto the step.
I groaned at the feel of her body as she started to climax again; positive that I wouldn’t be able to last any longer.

Moving her small frame on top of me, I sat on the step; holding her above my lap as I pounded into her - slowing only when I felt my own orgasm filling her.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Carry You Home - James Blunt

We hadn’t even made it to the top of the stairs before he was hard again. He shoved me down onto the floor, a few feet away from the staircase. I glanced over my head at my soft mattress; it was only a few seconds away, but I knew we wouldn’t make it.

Normally I hated being so exposed. I was the girl that always wore a t-shirt over my bath suiting; I didn’t want people looking at my body.
Not tonight though.

Alex couldn’t take his eyes away from me, and I loved it. I didn’t want him to stop staring at me, making me feel desirable, beautiful. He stared at me like I was the only girl he'd ever seen; no not a girl. His blue eyes travelled the length of my body and his grin confirmed it; I wasn't a little girl anymore.
He dropped down onto his knees, in between my legs; moving closer until his dick was resting lightly on my stomach.
He bent down, kissing me urgently as I dug my nails into the back of his neck; begging him for more.

I closed my eyes, every part of my body tingling with ecstasy, when I felt his fingers roughly clamp around my clit; causing me the cry out against his lips.
I dropped my hold on his neck, stretching my arms down until I could firmly grasp his erection in my hand. I started gently squeezing it in a pulsating manner, imploring him to start again.
I loved the feeling of his hands on me, the feeling of his mouth on me; but none of them could match what it felt like to have him inside of me.

He pulled away from me, looking down at my hands - that were now running the length of his cock, stroking - before looking up at me. He smiled, a broad, wide smile before he pulled himself away from my reach. I let out a moan, whining at the thought of him not continuing. “Please…” I sighed, hooking my ankles around his back and pulling him towards me.
He chuckled, grinning, before grabbing my legs and unhooking them. He spread them wide; exposing me even further.
I didn’t care, I propped myself up on my elbows so I could watch his face. He looked pleased, almost greedy as his tongue ran along the bottom of his lip. I began to pant, unable to do anything but imagine what his tongue would feel like against my throbbing clit.

“I wanna taste you…” He mumbled, glancing up at my eyes. “Show me what feels good for you babe…” I wanted to tell him that I had no idea what he meant. I had just had my first orgasm, ever, less than five minutes ago; but I lost every ability to form coherent thoughts as he bent down and pushed his tongue inside of me.
He moved his mouth around every part of me, nipping, licking, sucking until it was all I could do to keep from screaming.
Finally understanding what he meant by 'showing him', and I reached down, grabbing a handful of his hair. I didn’t want him to stop, ever, but even this could sedate me. I felt another powerful climax as hot juices began to pour out of me, but I wasn’t done.

“You…” I whined, not sure if he would understand me, I wasn’t even sure I had just formed an actual word or not.
He pulled his face away from me and nodded though, wiping his mouth on the back of his arm before flipping me over.

I laid on my stomach, glancing over my shoulder at him as he positioned himself against me.
He grabbed onto my hips, digging his fingers into me as he tilted my body towards him. “Are you ok if I go hard?” He asked, his voice thick with need as he teetered just outside my opening. I opened my mouth to ask him if he was serious… hadn’t we just done hard? Wasn’t what just happened on the stairs hard?
Instead I nodded, biting on my lip as I watched him begin to penetrate me. He moved in slowly, going deeper and deeper until he was stretching places of my body that no one had ever reached before. Several times I wanted to ask if he was all the way in yet, convinced he couldn't possibly go in any further; but I just kept my teeth firmly planted in my lip, trying to avoid the screams that were desperate to get out.
Finally, after feeling like I wouldn’t be able to deal with any more of his body, I felt his hips touch my skin, and I knew it was over.

He exhaled loudly, taking a few breaths while he held me still; before he pulled out.
It felt strange, having my body begin to close itself off after he had pushed me open; but I didn’t have time to think about it before he slammed back into me.
I let out throaty cry, unable to hold it in. He slammed himself into me again and I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes; but I didn’t want him to stop, not ever.
He began to increase his tempo, earning a small groan from me every time he entered me fully.

He slid a hand over my back, tracing my spin up to the base of my neck before twisting my hair around his wrist. He yanked it back until I was looking at him. I made eye contact with him and his face was full of need and lust; the sight sent a fresh wave of tingles and wetness down to the heat between my legs. “You ok?”

I nodded, unable to do anything else. He nodded in acknowledgment, dropping his hold on my hair and bringing his hands back down to my ass. He pulled out fully again and then thrusted in more forcefully than before.
He began to slam repeatedly, forcing me back down onto my elbows. I gave up trying to hold myself in place, allowing him to move me however he wanted.
I came again after a few minutes; this time the orgasm was deeper, more intense than before.
I screamed when it hit, unable to do anything else. “Let it out babe…” He groaned, encouraging me on until I was sure the neighbours would call the police.

He pulled out again, rolling me over onto my back before he fell back on top of me. He didn’t say anything this time as he pushed himself back inside my heat. He made quick smaller thrusts; the head of his cock brushing my clit every time he moved out.
I covered my face with my hands, tears of unreserved satisfaction welling up over my lids.
I had never felt this incredible in my whole entire life.

He began to grunt and I felt his hands grab my wrists; pulling them away from my face. I allowed them to go, glancing up at him as came inside of me.
He teetered for a second as his breathing began to slow, before he pulled himself away from me. Taking a deep breath and standing up.
He bent down and scooped me up bridal-style, carrying me over to my bed and laid me out above the covers, before flopping down beside me.

Without the excitement of sex to distract me, I self-consciously wrapped my arms over my breasts; trying to remember when my shirt had actually come off. I looked over at him and he rolled his eyes, swatting my hands away and replacing them with one of his arms. “Don’t hide from me, ever. I love the way you look.” He whispered, pulling me against him.
I nodded, rolling over until my face was pressed into his chest.

#28 - Stood Up

2009-12-13T16:00:00.000-08:00

Because Just A Writer asked so nicely... and I'm very excited for the update that follows this... so make sure you go back and read #27 if you haven't already =)

Make Up Your Mind - Theory Of A Deadman

God she had nice boobs… “Focus Ovie! What the hell are you doing dude?” I glanced up to see Greener yelling at me. The puck had dropped and I was still standing in the same place; visualizing Jespin.
Or trying to visualize Jespin. Fucking Greener. I thought, hostility searing through me. That’s twice tonight he's ruined my fun.

“ALEX!” Coach B roared from the bench; pulling me back into reality. I took off, sprinting down the ice as fast as I could. I barrelled down on Fischer, grabbing the puck off him; never slowing.
I entered the crease and flipped the puck around, dropping it in the net.

The crowed erupted and I jumped backwards in response, slamming myself into the glass. I grinned and took off towards the bench; spinning out wide in order to pass by where Jespin was standing.
She was leaning away from James, looking confused; but she still smiled when I threw her a wink. The fact that she was putting space between her and James made me more excited than the fact that I’d just scored.

Near the end of the last period, I stole another glance at Jespin, this time she didn’t notice me; she was too busy chatting into the phone. She looked annoyed, but I didn’t see her for long.
Quickly turning away she headed out the walkway, still clutching her phone to the side of her head.

“Out tonight Ovie?” Brooks called as I walked out of the showers and back into the locker room.

I shook my head and grinned. I wanted to brag; tell everyone what had happened between Jespin and I - finally - and then tell them what my plans were for tonight. But I didn’t.
I didn’t want to say anything sexual about her, because I didn’t want any of the guys in the locker-room thinking about her like that. In fact, I didn’t want anyone else thinking about her like that. “Not tonight, got other plans.”

I headed down the hallway once I was dressed, deciding to stop by the waiting area first. I pushed the door open, but she wasn’t in there.
My stomach did a bit of a flip-flop as I thought about how nice it would have been to see her in there, waiting for me. She apparently wasn’t ready to take that step yet. Oh well… I sighed, heading back down the hallways towards the player’s parking lot.

I waited around the back door for a few minutes before giving up and heading out into the parking lot. She wasn’t there.
I pulled out my phone and called her; it sent me straight to voice mail. I punched in Mike’s number, trying to remain calm as I waited for him to answer. “Sup man?”

“Is Jespin still in there?” I asked, holding my breath.

Pause. “Umm… no. Just a sec.” I heard his muffled voice a second later as he spoke to someone. “Ovie? She’s not here. Ben said that she had to check out early… family emergency or something?”

Family emergency… ok… not so bad. Unless she made the whole thing up. Maybe it was him… maybe he’s here again. “Thank Mike.” I said shortly before hanging up. I wasn’t about to make the same mistake though; I need an answer, and I wasn’t going to do anything else until I got one.

Over the course of the fifteen minute drive to her house; I had managed to completely work myself up. I was a mess; blinded with outrage.
I couldn’t believe that she had stood me up; that isn’t suppose to happen. I knew that she was hard headed and unbelievably impossible, but I honestly thought I had had her, right where I wanted her.
I’m Alex-fucking-Ovechkin… she should be loving the fact that I want to spend time with her, not this shit. No one just walks away from me.
I sighed in frustration as I pulled in front of her place, praying that she was alone. She might drive be completely insane, but I didn’t want anyone else there with her. I didn’t want him to be there. Or maybe I did, maybe this would be my chance to put him in his place, get him to back the fuck off my woman.
My woman… right. I chuckled humourlessly; she pissed me off to no end, she was a complete tease with those little work-out outfits she wore, the way she pressed up against me when I kissed her. The way she moaned when I touched her… she was mine. I nodded to myself, stepping out of the car and into the cold night. She was mine whether she liked it or not.

She wanted me too, and not even in the way other girls did. I wasn’t an idiot, I knew most girls only wanted me for the money, or the celebrity; but I used them too, just for different things. I didn’t let people take advantage of me, and I didn‘t let them walk all over me.
Jespin was different. She wasn’t going to use me for my money or my name; but that didn’t mean she could disrespect me the way that did. Especially not when a shit ton of girls were wet and ready to take her place.
Exactly, a shit ton of girls, so why the hell am I wasting my night chasing after this one?

I sauntered towards the front door and pushed it open; walking past the doorman without pausing.
I climbed the stairs and stopped in front of her door, slamming on it; like I had done the other day.
She pulled it open slowly, her attention focused on the cell phone in her hands. She looked up, shock making her eyes grow wide as she regarded me. She was wearing a pair of baggy, grey, calf-length sweats and a tight penguins t-shirt. Penguins… I shook my head, probably says Crosby on the back… I wasn’t sure why that made me so mad, but it did.
If she had a problem with the fact that I thought a team revolved around me, or thought that I was conceited; she’d obviously never met the wonder kid. “What are you doing here?!” She asked, completely caught off guard. She was surprised, flustered, and it was enjoyable to watch.
Her face began to flush as her eyes narrowed on me, dangerously. I took a step into her loft, causing her to take a step; as I slammed the door behind me.

“Are you alone?” I asked, looking past her at the expensively decorated room.

“No.” She said too quickly, looking away from me.

I chuckled slightly as I took another step towards her. “You’re lying.” She didn’t try to suggest differently as I grabbed onto her arms and pulled her towards me. “I told you to wait for me after the game… what happened?”

“Something… came up…” She looked up at me, allowing me to see the truth in her eyes. I calmed down drastically knowing that she would have been there; that she didn’t just take off.
I continued to stare at her as I tried to figure out my next move; Jespin bet me to it.

“Get out.” I shook my head, pulling her up into her tip-toes so that I could kiss her lips. She kissed me back for a minute before shoving me away. “No.”

She said it sternly and angrily, so much so, that I almost believed her - almost. “You weren’t saying that earlier…”

“That was a mistake.” She spat, the fire returning in her eyes.

“You say that an awful lot…” I chuckled, shaking my head as I allowed my desire for her to take over.

“Yah well, it seems to happen a lot when I’m around you.” She said dryly, taking a step away from me.

“Or maybe your body’s already figured out what your mind is too damn stubborn to see…” I suggested, taking a few steps forward until she was pinned between my body and the counter.

“This is getting out of hand…” She said quietly, not looking up at me. “I can’t do this anymore-”

“Enough with that shit!” I spat, cutting her off. “Give me one good reason why we can’t do this? One solid reason, and I‘ll leave you alone.”

She stood mute for a minute; an inner turmoil raging back and forth below her calm exterior. “Because of my family.” She said finally quietly.

“Your family? That’s your excuse… I don’t even know what that has to do with this…?”

“It’s… they’re… it’s just complicated, ok?” She asked, pleading.

I shook my head. “That’s not good enough Jespin. I don’t care who you are… I don’t give a shit if your dad’s the head of the mafia and he’s gonna break my legs for dating you. I’ve already made up my mind and the only thing that’s going to stop me now is if you don’t want me. And you do. So…” I shrugged my shoulders, sighing slightly. “… unless you have another reason…”

She sighed. “I really like you.” It didn’t sound like a proclamation. The way she said it made it sound like it was another reason for us not to be together; but that didn’t make any sense.

“I know.” I said slowly, unsure of what else to say. I already knew this, at least she was admitting it out loud now.

I looked down at her and felt the fire inside of my light again; this time it roared to life easily, egging me on.
I didn’t need any more prompting, I already knew that I wanted her badly; now we were alone, together, with the words out in the open.
It hit me for the first time, just how beautiful she was. I had always known that she was attractive, desirable; but for some reason, in this minute, I just realized how stunning she was.

I reached out, needing to hold her. I ran my hands through her hair, then down the side of her face; onto her neck, shoulders, sides.
I needed to touch her, every part of her. I needed to taste her and feel her; explore her, and know more her than anyone else. She had just admitted the fact that she liked me, but that wasn’t enough for me anymore.
I felt a new electricity pulsing through me and I knew what I needed; something that went even beyond her body. I needed her to love me; because impossibly enough, I was beginning to love her.

“Jes…” I whispered, the new revelation spreading out around me like wild fire, consuming everything else.
She could feel it too, I knew. She snapped her eyes up towards me; worrying growing on her face.

I felt perfect, wonderful; like everything was finally making sense. She still felt apprehension - it infuriated me. I was done with this back I knew what I wanted and she knew what she wanted; whether or not she was going to act on it, I wasn’t about to let it pass me by.
If she needed more proof of what I already knew, she was going to get it.

I grabbed onto her hips without warning; lifting her until she was sitting on the counter.
I roughly shoved her legs opened and stepped in between them, pulling her towards the end of the counter until I could feel her soft body against me.
She breathed into me, groaning as she wrapped her arms around my neck.

“This is the right thing to do Jes… us, I mean. It’s right. Let me show you…” I whispered softly, gently pushing her black locks away from her face.

“I can’t do that Alex. I can’t.” She shook her head, the weight of my words pulling her back into reality. I couldn’t help but grin, this time it wasn’t because she didn’t want to, this time it was because she was nervous. It was endearing.

“… I think you can…” I said with a husky voice, pulling her off the counter roughly.